Aeryn's Thoughts: TWWW

By 13thNight

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Well, now I've told him. Now he knows everything. Not everything, but he knows the worst. Velerek. What a disaster I made of that. Why? Sense of duty? Ambition? Because I took too long to admit my feelings to myself? To him. Velerek.

Crichton.
I've learned nothing. I did it again. What has it cost me this time? Yes, I have reason to be more cautious. To trust myself less.

I am less sure of myself, of him, the future.

Velerek and Crichton. It's different. Isn't it?
Velerek was the same species. But a tech, so… different. But not forbidden. Crichton is a different species. Forbidden. But I don't have those restrictions any more. Do I still have those beliefs?
Velerek wanted me to give up my life to go with him. To not be a soldier. Crichton, well, I guess he didn't have to ask. I already did. I had no choice.

Crichton.
Neither of us was where we wanted to be. Neither of us was home. Home? We each had adjustments to make. New lives to understand. Changes in who we are.
Destinies to accept.
So we hesitated.

I almost lost him. To death. More than once. Too many times.
He almost lost himself. To Scorpius. To the chair.
I almost lost him. To my hesitation. My uncertainty. To Gelina. To the planet where we lost him for a quarter cycle. To what he thought was his Earth.
I almost lost him. Pushed him away. Shut him out.
Maybe I've actually done it this time. Lost him.
Betrayal. Betrayal of a loved one.
John would never do that. Would never consider it. Could he forgive it?

Even if we hadn't hesitated… Even if we had committed ourselves to each other… Could 'we' survive what I did? Who I was? Can we?
Yes. John will forgive me long before I forgive myself. He always does.

But what do I say? How do I tell him?
What do I say? About 'us'?

He quietly sits next to me. "Velorek said that he'd always remember you.... and you?