AFFIRMATIONS

by Eli

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    "And that brings us to -" but he was cut off.
    "The night on the false Earth."  She said, still staring straight ahead.
    "I was going to say the end, but, yeah, we should talk about that."
    "Why would you forget about that?"  Aeryn's voice was distant, but anger
tinted it.
    "No, Airy.  I could never forget, hell, it's all I can think of
sometimes.  I just thought you still didn't want to…. I mean, you were tight
lipped about it then, so why talk now?"
    "It's just that they won't let us out until we resolve everything."  She
nodded as if trying to convince herself as well as him.
    "Yeah, I suppose you're right.  So, you wanna go first?"  He almost hoped
she'd say no, it was such a mystery to him what it had meant to her and
wasn't sure he could take much more rejection.  He was surprised, but no
exactly relieved when she stood and began talking.
    "Well….." She began pacing.  "I know what happened between us was….. oh,
I don't know.  I thought I'd never see you alive again and it hurt.  I didn't
want to die without….."  She looked at him and bit her bottom lip, staring
through him as if he were a problem to be solved.
    "Without what?" he prompted softly.
    "I don't know."  She shook herself out of the trance and searched around
the small quarters.  "I was desperate, I thought I was going to die and you
were there, what was I supposed to do?"
    "So it meant nothing to you?"  He stood and walked to her, not wanting to
invade her boundaries, but also feeling the undeniable need to be near her.
    "That's just the thing though.  It wasn't supposed to do anything to me,
affect me in any way.  I let you in, I let you …….. know me, in a way no one
has before.  It didn't matter, I'd be dead the next day.  So I didn't hold
back and when everything happened with the Ancients and we were safe again I
couldn't just break you off.  You'd become important and it scared me.  Even
now I don't know what to do."  She sat down looking defeated.  He hunched
down next to her and suddenly became very interested in his shoes.
    "So, what exactly are you trying to say?" He didn't feel the strength to
look at her, but she seemed oblivious to his query, posing her own.
    "What was it to you?"
    "Well," he stood and began pacing himself, he didn't want her to answer
his question quite yet.  "I can in all honesty say that I've never met anyone
even remotely like you, and I . . . I don't know what that means anymore.
Hell, I thought regular women were confusing, but you . .  you're  a whole
other ball park."
    She looked up, rather confused at yet another of his numerous human
expressions.  Just as she was about to question him on it, she decided it not
wise and held back her words.  Then Aeryn realized John had stopped talking ,
he was just staring at a wall.  He stayed that way for several microts before
blurting out;
    "I wouldn't have, you know."
    "Wouldn't have what?"
    "Done anything with Zhaan, in the flax.  It was you, not pure oxygen, not
the heat of the moment.  Just. You."  His eyes stared into hers with such
intensity and conviction that she felt at a complete loss for words.  How did
one respond to this admission of his feelings for her.  She stood and walked
to him, still not sure of what would happen.  Aeryn saw that his knuckles
were white where he was gripping a chair.  She reached down tentatively, her
fingers brushing on the back of his palm.  He flinched, her touch setting him
on fire.  John knew she was well aware of how her presence affected him, and
yet she slipped her hand under his, releasing it from the chair he'd thought
it had melded to.  Aeryn turned his hand over, felling a wet slickness, she
saw small drops of blood he'd drawn from his fingernails digging into his
skin.
    "Oh, John………" She began, extracting a small cloth from her pocket to
wrap it in.
    "Don't Aeryn, just don't."  He pulled his hand away from her.  "We can't
do this."
    "What are you talking about?  I'm just trying to fix your hand."
    "No," he shook his head.  "Everything.  I'm not going to put you in
danger."
    "Put me in danger?"
    "Yes, if you and I are," he swallowed, "together, then when Scorpy gets
serious about getting me in the comfy chair, who do you think he's going to
go through.  I'm not willing to let you get hurt for me, and I don't think
you'd be too thrilled about it either, unless…." His voice became gradually
softer until it trailed off all together.
    "Unless what?"  She swallowed hard, she could hear him say it even before
he opened his mouth.
    John's head snapped to look at her, his eyes once again pinning her,
frozen where she stood.
    "Do you love me?"
    "What?" She asked, unsure of herself to say anything else.
    "You know exactly what I said.  I'm sick of dodging the issue.  Just
answer me, you owe me that much."  He stared at her, his sharp blue gaze
causing her breath to catch.  She stood still and silent, her gaze, though,
betrayed the fear that had always been kept under control, but now welled up
within her.  Could she still run?  Still flee him and all these feelings?
No, he had come to her now, held the elbows of her crossed arms lightly in
the palms of his hands.
    "Aeryn….." he whispered, making her look at him with the sheer power of
his presence.  And when her gaze rested on him, he was regarding her with a
soulful pleading, but mirrored fear in his eyes.  When he spoke, his warm
breath washed over her face and she could feel the lightest brush of his
forehead against hers.  "We both know how I feel about you.  You know that
you are more beautiful to me than all the stars and planets and wonders I've
seen.  Everything I've ever known and loved pales in comparison to the
feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see you smile.  I know, beyond any
shadow of a doubt that I love you, with all my soul, with everything I am.
And I can't even begin to articulate that love.  I just need to know how you
feel.  I don't know if I can do this without you here, without your love.
So…." He sighed, causing the tears now flowing softly down her face to warm
momentarily.  "One more time, do you, Aeryn Sun, love me?"
    And in one breath both their beliefs that no matter what hell they had to
live through, heaven would be waiting as long as they were together was
confirmed as she opened her mouth half a second before his lips closed over
hers.
    "Yes."
 

Well, whaddaya think?  Don't be shy.  Should I even attempt others?  You know
where to reach me.

Eternally at your service,
Eli
Keeper of Aeryn's Denial of Her Love for John