Be My Princess Leia

by Shaye

DISCLAIMER:  I own nothing related to Farscape or to Star Wars.  They belong
to O'Bannon, Henson, Sci-Fi &etc and to George Lucas, respectively.  Duh.

SUMMARY:  John explained Lethal Weapon to Gilina.  Why not Star Wars to
Aeryn?

RATING:  PG?

ARCHIVAL:  The usual suspects will get a copy in their mailbox.  Otherwise,
ask.

SPOILERS:  Hmmm...I guess some for PKTG, and one for ACN and ABL.  And of
course, the Star Wars trilogy.  But if you're one of the three people on
Earth who hasn't seen Star Wars yet, you probably don't want to read this
anyway.

NOTES:  <shrug>  I wanted to be Princess Leia when I grew up.  Also, much
thanks to Sarah, who braved piled up mail and the flu to bring you this
beta.  *g*  Side note:  I wrote this at LEAST a week before seeing LGM 3.
*g*

~*~

"I want the things that I had before, like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom
door..." ~Everclear, "Wonderful"

---

The light of a million stars gently graced the terrace of Moya.  A lone
figure stood, silhouetted by the light, staring out into those stars.  And
then he sprang to action.

Aeryn Sun was on her way to Command after fixing a comm problem in one of
Moya's upper tiers.  As she passed the terrace, her attention was arrested
by the strange sounds coming through the door.  It almost sounded
like...like a <battle> was going on inside.  But that was ridiculous.  Ever
cautious, she commed Pilot.  "Pilot, can you tell me who is inside the
terrace?"

Pilot's voice came across, level as ever.  "On the last sweep, Commander
Crichton was the only one on the terrace."

Aeryn thanked Pilot and shut off her comm.  The large panel was slightly
ajar, and Aeryn drew her weapon as she cautiously glanced inside.

Pilot had been correct.  John was the only one on the terrace.  But he was
waving around some kind of glowing stick, and making very strange noises.
"<Dvv....Dvvv...Dv!  Chhccckkkkgghhkccccckkk....>"  Aeryn was about to knock
him out and have Zhaan examine him when he spoke in a low, deep voice.
"Your powers are weak, old man."

Then John went on in his own voice.  "Ha!  Old Ben sure showed you, didn't
he, Darth?  You old scoundrel...oh, no wait.  That was what Lando said to
Han...."

To Aeryn's dismay, John then continued with his strange ritual of waving the
stick and making the whooshing, staticky noises.  She'd had enough.  This
was bizarre, even for him.  Even for him <lately>.

She stepped into the terrace, unnoticed by John.  Unnoticed, that is, until
she bellowed, "John Crichton!  What the FRELL are you doing?"

Astonished at being discovered, John turned around quickly and sheepishly
dropped the pseudo-sword to his side.  When he saw the expression on Aeryn's
face, however - half concern, half amusement - an enthusiastic grin appeared
on his own and he raised the stick triumphantly.  "Look at what I found,
Aeryn!  It's a lightsaber!"

Giving him a quizzical look, Aeryn examined the glowing stick more closely.
She recognized it after a few microts; it was a spare part from one of
Moya's auxiliary systems.  "John, that is <not> a light sword.  If you hit
someone with it with any degree of force, it would shatter."

John simply rolled his eyes.  "Lightsabers aren't <real> anyway.  But it
looks an awful lot like one.  It's even green, just like Luke's."

Aeryn frowned again, protesting, "It's green because it contains amnexus
fluid.  It glows because it's composed of phosphorent fibers.  John, you're
losing your mind!"

He threw back his head and laughed until he choked, finally cocking his head
and giving her a wry smile.  "For once, Sunshine, you're wrong about that."
He took her hand to lead her further into the terrace, giving the air a few
extra whacks with the "lightsaber" as they walked.

"Look, Aeryn," he began, "my people have been dreaming of interplanetary
flight for years, decades even.  Probably centuries, if I know Galileo at
all.  But it's never happened until now, and no one but me even knows it's
possible.  That's why all sorts of people on Earth come up with stories
about people traveling in space.  It's a whole genre called science
fiction."

"Science fiction?  Those two concepts seem at odds with one another."

"They're stories that are based on science, but for one reason or another
are impossible and so fall under the category of fiction.  I know your
culture has it's own fiction, Gilina told me," he teased.

Aeryn bristled at the mention on the tech, but since John seemed to indicate
that this story would explain his behavior, she kept silent, giving him a
slight acknowledging nod.

"Right.  So, arguably the greatest piece of science fiction ever, the
<masterwork> where all is concerned, is this series called Star Wars."

Aeryn's eyebrows knit together almost instantly.  "Star Wars?  That's not a
very creative title."

John's eyes flashed merrily, and he traded the lightsaber from one hand to
another, giving it a few whooshes along the way.  "But it fits.  It's all
about this big, bad group of people called the Empire and...oh, frell, I
might as well start from the beginning."  He dropped to a sitting position
on the terrace, dragging Aeryn along by grabbing her hand.  She hit the
ground with a thud, but John barely noticed, as he'd started on his diatribe
once again.  "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."

*

"So then, they're waiting for an opening to get back to the Falcon, and all
of a sudden the guards all just run away from the entrance to the ship,
leaving the coast perfectly clear.  That's their chance, so they all start
for the ship, only to realize why the guards all left their posts.  Right
there, framed in the doorway, are Obi-Wan and Darth Vader in their
lightsaber fight."  John couldn't help but grin inwardly at Aeryn's reaction
to his storytelling.  She was trying so hard to look uninterested.  "And
THEN," he continued dramatically, "what do you think Obi-Wan did?"

Aeryn shrugged, shaking her head impatiently.  "Killed Vader and left with
the rest of them?"

"Wrong."  John paused a moment too long, reveling in Aeryn's anticipation.
"He just held up his lightsaber like this," he paused here too, as he
demonstrated.  "And let Vader kill him."

Aeryn's eyes widened.  "No!  He just gave up?"

The Human winked at his Sebacean shipmate.  "Not exactly."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked warily.

"You'll see."  She rolled her eyes as he continued, "Then everything happens
at once, Luke's screaming NOOOOOO! and everyone starts firing..."

*

About half an arn after Aeryn had entered the terrace, she and John finally
ended up sitting side-by-side, the entire length of their upper legs
touching.  She leaned slightly into his personal bubble, as if trying to
absorb every drop of what he said.

"And then Han announces that he's leaving."

"What do you mean leaving?"

John let out a frustrated sigh.  "Hello, Miss Chatty Kathy, I'm trying to
tell a story here."

Aeryn frowned at his strange phrase but let out a muttered, "Sorry, go on."

"He's got a bounty on his head and he needs to go pay it.  So he's gonna
leave while they try to destroy the Death Star.  And Leia just gets royally
pissed at him, gets all in his face like--"  He turned to face Aeryn, only
to find that she was closer than he'd thought.  "Well, like this.  And she
says, 'If money is all you care about, then that's what you'll have.'  You
could tell she thought Han should stay and fight - he was the best pilot
they had."

"Is she interested in Han as well?"

"Yes, definitely.  But she won't admit it."

"So they have a...what was the term you used?  Love triangle?"

John smiled enigmatically.  "In a way."

Aeryn's eyes narrowed.  "What are you not telling me?"

He laughed.  "You'll just have to wait and find out."

John opened his mouth to continue but was stopped by Pilot's voice on the
comms.  "Commander Crichton, Officer Sun, your presence is requested on the
Command."

Immediately the two sprang into action, rising from the ground and heading
swiftly for the door.

"What's the deal, Pilot?"

"Is there some sort of emergency?"

"No," the large symbiot answered.  "There is no emergency.  But
a...situation seems to be developing between D'Argo and Rygel that I would
like you to help mitigate."

John and Aeryn exchanged a glance, picking up their pace slightly.  "Right
on it."

"We'll be there shortly."

*

On their way to Command, John finished his tale with enthusiasm, emphasizing
it with wild gestures.  "They're flying through this canyon sort of thing to
get to their target, and everyone is bearing down on them, and it looks like
they're going to lose.  But then a shot comes out of nowhere, Darth goes
spinning off into the night, and Han Solo gets on the radio and tells them
to finish the job."

"He came back?" Aeryn asked approvingly.

"Yep.  But Luke's the only hope left, when suddenly he hears Obi-Wan's
voice.  I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't just in his head.
Because he's a Jedi, Ben's spirit lived on after death.  Only his body died,
in other words.  Obi-Wan tells him to shut off the computer and do it
manually.  So he does, BAM, shot of a lifetime, two blasts right into the
hole.  Then they all get the frell out of there, and the camera pans back
and you watch as the Death Star explodes.  Everyone cheers, women are
crying, and score one for the side of the Rebellion."

Aeryn laughed somewhat incredulously.  "Your culture does come up with some
interesting stories.  What happened then?"

"Well, R2 got fixed, Leia was happy that Han came back, and they all got
medals, including Chewy."

"And then?"

He shrugged.  "And then credits roll, that's the end of the movie."

Aeryn stopped short just outside of Command.  "But I thought you said it was
a series.  There are more, aren't there?"

John eyed her mischievously.  "There are, two more.  But everyone on Earth
had to wait to see the next one.  Ask me again in three cycles."

Aeryn glared, grabbing John by the elbow as he passed her to enter the
Command.  She swung him around and pinned him against the wall.  "I am not
waiting three cycles to find out what happens next."

John bit his lip trying to suppress a laugh.  "And what do I get in return?"
he asked suggestively.

Aeryn arched one eyebrow.  "You won't know until you deliver the goods, will
you?"

Chuckling, John acquiesced.  "Okay, I give in.  Let's take care of this in
here, and we'll hook up later."

Aeryn nodded, releasing her vise-like grip on John's arm and marching into
Command.  "What the frell is going on in here!?"

~*~

As it turned out, it wasn't until much later that John and Aeryn were
finally able to reconvene.  The situation between Rygel and D'Argo had taken
at least an arn to resolve, and after that it seemed like one thing after
another begged for attention.  Though it had been early afternoon when the
movie madness started, the next opportunity they had for privacy was after
everyone else had gone to bed.

John was starving and exhausted, not having eaten since breakfast.  He
intended on grabbing a few food cubes to munch before heading off to sleep
himself, but as he was leaving the Center Chamber, Aeryn came round the
bend.

"Oh, hey," he greeted, stopping short to avoid a collision.

A sly look entered Aeryn's eyes.  "So I can talk about anything I want?"

He eyed her suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and quirking an eyebrow.  "Why
are you so chipper?  We've had an exhausting day.  The spat between Fluffy
and D'Argo, the leak in Moya's plumbing, the fire in the maintenance bay,
the small DRD mutiny..."

"It wasn't a mutiny John, they just lost power."  Aeryn smiled tolerantly at
his strange human expressions.

"Stop it, you're creeping me out."  He shook his head, but was not about to
leave if Aeryn was in the mood to chat.  Moving to the table, he motioned
Aeryn down beside him.

"Stop what?" she asked, finding some food cubes of her own and something to
wash them down with.

As Aeryn sat beside him, John explained, "That look on your face.  It's
creepy.  Reminds me of our run-in with the Nebari."

Aeryn rolled her eyes and spat, "You just won't let me forget that, will
you?  Human saves the day..."

John only laughed.  "Okay, I take it back.  What was it you wanted to talk
about?"

She let out a strangled sigh and threw her head back.  "Oh, well if you
don't recall, I found you on the terrace today waving around one of Moya's
spare parts."

Finally understanding what that sly look was all about, he buried his head
in his hands and groaned.  "Not now, Aeryn...please?  I'm tired."

When she didn't respond for quite some time, he tentatively looked up to
find her regarding him archly, her arms crossed over her chest.  He sighed,
"I'd better get something really great out of this deal."

Again she said nothing, but gave him an extremely amused look.  Rolling his
eyes, John paused to gather his scattered thoughts and began, "Okay, the
second movie was The Empire Strikes Back.  A long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far away..."

"You already said that."

He stopped, holding out his hands.  "Well, yeah.  They all start that way."

She frowned.  "Why?"

"I guess...so you know it's a Star Wars movie."

"But don't they all have the same actors?"

"Aeryn!"

"Sorry.  Go on."

*

"So in order to receive more extensive Jedi training, Luke takes R2 and
travels to this planet called Dagobah, where the Jedi master Yoda lives.
Now, Luke's expecting some big, imposing guy to teach him the ways of the
Force.  But when he gets there, Yoda turns out to be this little runty
Muppet.  Think Rygel, only with longer ears, an annoying voice, and the
inability to form complete sentences."

Aeryn laughed, adding, "And without the need to eat every bit of food in
sight, I assume?"

"No, actually, he had that.  Oh, and he could mind-frell people just by
thinking about it."  John grinned, explaining, "That's what made him a
Jedi."

*

"...Luke's hanging there by one hand, the wind is blowing, and he's about
ready to fall...and what should happen but Darth reaches out to him,
offering to pull him back up if Luke will join him on the Dark Side.  And
then comes the most shocking revelation in movie history.  Luke's just
trying to hold on, and all of a sudden Darth says...wait, hold on...."

John searched quickly for something to speak into.  He finally found some
sort of cooking implement.  "Test, test..."  Nodding satisfactorily at the
hollow sound, he continued, "All of a sudden Darth
says...'Luke...Luuuuuukke...I am your faaather...."

Aeryn stood, indignant.  "No!"

John could barely stifle his chuckle.  "Yes!"

"No!"

"Well, that's pretty much what Luke said.  Then Darth goes on about wanting
to rule the galaxy as father and son, but Luke'll have none of it, so he
lets go."

"Lets go...of the ledge.  And falls."

"Yep.  Ends up outside the Cloud City, hanging by his legs.  He kind of does
this mental call for help...and Leia hears him."

"Leia?  In her head?  How...?"

John winked.  "Getting to that."

*

"...A long time ago, in a--"

"Yeah, yeah.  In a galaxy far, far away.  What was the name of this one?"

John sighed.  It was so late, his vision was starting to blur.  But Aeryn
still appeared wide awake.  "Return of the Jedi.  And if you don't mind, a
long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Han Solo was being held by this
gangster named Jabba the Hutt.  Han owed Jabba some money, if you'll
remember.  Now Jabba's this big disgusting guy...think Rygel, only twenty
times bigger, slimier, and mean."

"Rather than merely irritating?"

"Exactly.  Leia tried to rescue Han by defrosting him, but Jabba found out
and made her wear this bronze bikini, which incidentally, I wouldn't mind
seeing you in."

"If I knew what that was, would I kill you?"

"Probably."

"I thought so."

*

"So Luke finally goes back to Dagoba, only Yoda's dying by this time.  And
his dying words are, get this...'There is...another...Sk-sky...walker....'"

"What the frell does that mean?"

"It means Luke's not an only child.  After Yoda dies, Luke goes out into the
swamp and Ben appears to him.  He tells him that his sister was hidden from
him to protect them both--"

"Wait.  Sister?"

"Yeah."

"Frell.  It's Leia, isn't it."

John grinned.  "Sunshine gets a gold star."

Ignoring his Crichtonism, she thought back to her earlier comment about a
love triangle.  To her credit, she managed to avoid looking utterly ill, but
she did come close.

*

"At this point you've got the classic Star Wars parallel storyline.  Luke's
on the new Death Star with Vader and the Emperor; Han, Leia and the droids
are with the Ewoks on the moon of Endor duking it out with the Storm
Troopers and the AT-AT Walkers; and Lando is in space in the Millennium
Falcon waiting for word that the shield generator has been disabled."

"But if Han and Leia succeed, then Lando can destroy the Death Star, in
which case Luke dies.  But if Han and Leia don't succeed..."

"They all die.  Exactly."

"So what happens?"

John pursed his lips for a moment before yawning widely.  "Y'know, I'm
really beat.  I'm going to bed; I'll tell you the ending in the morning."

He pushed back from the table and meandered out of the Center Chamber,
leaving Aeryn sitting at the table in open-mouthed shock.  There was no way
she'd let him get away with that.  He was doing it purposefully, and what
she needed was a plan of action.

John didn't even notice Aeryn following behind him until he was nearly to
his quarters.  Finally he got curious and turned around, only to find Aeryn
not three feet behind.  "Aeryn.  Going to bed too?" he called as he
continued walking.

"Actually, I'm coming with you."

He stopped to give her a knowing look and shot back, "So is this what I get
out of the deal?"

"No, you get to tell me the end of the story.  I don't care what it takes."
With her last sentence, she overtook John and entered his quarters before he
did, leaning against the wall and looking at him expectantly when he
sauntered through the door.

They tried to stare each other down for a few microts, but if there was one
thing that John knew was universal about women, it was that they could
<always> stare longer than he could.  So he flashed a trademark grin and
flopped down onto his bed.  "By all means, make yourself comfortable."

Very deliberately, Aeryn came and sat down next to John on the bed, so close
that he felt like if he breathed too deeply, the gap would close.  It was
then that Aeryn inched toward him, turning and repeating, "What happens
next?"

His grin got wider, and he resumed the story.  "Chewy and one of the Ewoks
got control of one of the Walkers and blasted open the door to the shield
generator.  Han and Leia set up the bombs, and the generator exploded.
Lando swooped in to attack the center of the Death Star, meanwhile, the
Emperor has almost killed Luke.  In a final act of redemption, Darth throws
the Emperor down a chasm, frying his mechanical parts in the meantime.  Luke
drags him out to the ship and takes off his scary face mask, finally
revealing a pretty normal but somewhat bloated face.  Darth, or Anakin as
his real name was, dies, and Luke drags him onto the ship and takes off just
as Lando fires, setting off a chain reaction that blows up the second Death
Star.  As a bonus, Lando and the Falcon make it back out alive.  Then
everyone celebrates, Luke burns his father's body, and Han and Leia finally
get together when Han realizes that Luke's not exactly competition."

John took a deep breath, missing Aeryn's satisfied sigh.  He waited a
moment, trying to gauge Aeryn's reaction.  "So.  Did you like my story?"

Aeryn smiled.  "I did."  She added a little wistfully, "It sounds very
exciting."

He gave her a nudge, protesting, "Hey, we do plenty of exciting things."

"I suppose," she grinned.  "We risk our lives enough without trying to take
down an empire."

They exchanged a startled glance, a thought slowly blooming between them.
Then John laughed.  "It's a little different trying it in real life."

In the silence that followed, John contemplated his next move.  After
several moments, he cleared his throat.  "So, Aeryn?"

"Yes?"

"Now that I've kind of got this whole Han-Solo-wanted-alive-rather-than-dead
thing going on, right down to getting turned into a statue...will you be my
Princess Leia?"

Aeryn drew in a long breath, sitting back and considering her words
carefully.  Finally a smirk curled the corners of her mouth.  "I like nice
men."

John automatically opened his mouth to say the next line.  "I am n--Wait a
minute, no you don't!"

"Yes I do," she protested, pretending to look hurt.

"No, you don't.  You almost drooled when you caught sight of Larraq, and he
was <not> nice men."

She narrowed her eyes, unable to come up with a retort.  "So are you nice,
or not?"

He quirked an eyebrow at her, responding, "That's for you to decide."

Aeryn only smiled and shook her head.  Rising from John's bed, she rumpled
his hair on her way out.

John caught her hand as she passed, immediately clasping it and pulling her
to face him.  Looking up at her, he coaxed in a much lower, more serious
tone, "Come on, Aeryn.  Be my Princess Leia."

She looked down on him tenderly for a few microts, then leaned forward, her
hair falling in a curtain over her face.  She approached his lips slowly,
then at the last moment veered to the right and spoke softly in his ear.

"Only if I don't have to wear my hair like that."

FINIS