Be A Believer
by Janne
Summary: Aeryn has a dream about her mother and, with her help, sorts out her feelings for Crichton.Spoilers: Some parts of Nerve, The Hidden Memory, and all episodes involving the evolution of the J/A relationship.
Disclaimer: The Farscape concept, theory, characters, and overall universe is not the property of me, but rather of Fox Studios Australia, Jim Henson Co, Sci-Fi Channel, and Nine Network Australia. This story is strictly for entertainment purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author’s Note: I’d love to hear what you think about it, so don’t hesitate to e-mail me. I don’t mind if you use it, all I ask is that you give credit to me where credit is due. And with all that said, please enjoy.
Archiving: If you want it, I only request that you ask me first, then keep my name and e-mail address with it.
// Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer //Aeryn stared around her. She was sitting in her workout room, in the middle of the Peacekeeper symbol. This has to be symbolic, she thought. A figure, a crisp, battle-scarred Peacekeeper soldier, came toward her and sat opposite her. She immediately recognized her and was taken aback, using all the strength in her not to gasp. She accredited her as her mother. She took in every detail, every mannerism, every color, and every expression so as never to forget her. She’d already lost this woman once, and wasn’t going to do it again. The woman looked at her, expressionless, and then began to talk.
“Aeryn, you know who I am, but I will introduce myself anyway. I am Ashanara, your mother. I have come to talk to you.” Aeryn noticed her smile a lopsided smile she herself often gave to John. There you go again, calling him John. It’s Crichton. She stirred herself from that thought and focused back to reality. Her mother proceeded. “It seems you have followed in your father’s footsteps, becoming a Peacekeeper soldier. And a pretty good Prowler pilot as well.” She smiled again, obviously very proud at her daughter’s accomplishments. “I always knew you would be a great warrior. The Peacekeepers do a wonderful job with their training. Of course, every good training has its faults.” She stopped, as if to see if Aeryn would say anything about that last comment. She only gave her mother a confused look, soon followed by a look of understanding. She’s referring to the compassion that PK training is in serious lacking of. She said nothing and resituated herself into a more comfortable position, then looked up at her mother with a look that was intended to indicate she should continue. Her mother nodded and did so. “As you know, the Peacekeepers are very strict about long-term relationships. They usually reassign one of the officers to an assignment far away from the other officer if it is at all possible. Of course, when two people find each other, it is often difficult to resist, no matter what the consequences. You and that officer, Velorek, thought you’d found something special, and it turned out you had, but you didn’t realize it until it was too late.” Her mother paused and noted her discomfort at the mention of Velorek. She had to bring him up! I’ve always felt guilty about that. I guess she knows that. But how? Her confusion was apparently obvious to her mother, as she started talking again. “I am here to make sure you do not make that mistake again. And to make sure you do not follow in my footsteps.” Aeryn’s head jerked to attention.
“Your footsteps? What do you mean?”
“Aeryn, did anyone ever tell you what happened to your father and me?” She shook her head. Her mother sighed, and bit her lip, thinking about how to tell her. “Well, your father, Talyn, and I had an unassigned procreation, which resulted in you. It wasn’t to fill the ranks or for genetic stability, but rather for us. We broke Peacekeeper regulation by creating a life. Unfortunately, someone I’d told about the affair, a friend I’d trusted with my life, betrayed us both. He was a mutual friend, and served with your father on several missions. But, the reward given to anyone who reported a long-term relationship to High Command was too much for him and he gave in. Now, since I served under your father, he was charged with high treason. At the time, committing to a long-term relationship with an unassigned mate for procreation was considered treason. And since he was my superior, he was expected to not get involved.” She stopped and Aeryn took the time to fully absorb the information just given to her. I wasn’t an assignment. I was created because two people loved each other. I hope she’s not hinting she wants grandchildren. She smiled at the irony of the whole thing. Her mother noticed her amusement and smiled. “Yes, I thought it rather humorous you did the same thing I did.” She noticed her daughter’s confusion. “Getting into a long-term relationship, Aeryn. But, it would be nice…” Her voice trailed off as she finished. She smiled and kept going. “Your father was sentenced to death by means of the Living Death. He was the true soldier and took his sentence with dignity, pride and honor. He was proud that he’d broken from his training and actually lived a life. He always wanted to be more, be more than just a robot, giving and following orders. He wanted to feel as well. In a way, I see that in you also.” She smiled at her daughter and reached out to touch her. Aeryn thought she would turn away, but amazingly she didn’t, something told her not to push this woman away. John’s a bigger influence on you than you’d anticipated Aeryn. She turned to her mother and started to cry. She fell into her mother’s arms and cried. All the tears, all the bitter and hateful tears from years of suppressed anger, hatred, fear, and sadness came pouring out. Her mother caressed her hair and shushed her, in the exact way that Crichton did. You don’t hold back for your mother. Why do you with Crichton? She continued to cry, and finally the tears started to subside. She’d cried all she could. She straightened up and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, waiting for her mother to continue. When it was evident her mother was waiting for her to say something, she finally did.
“You’re referring to Crichton aren’t you?”
“Yes. Why do you insist on calling him Crichton? He calls you by your first name, and you should too, especially considering the way you feel about him.” Aeryn was not expecting that, and was startled, especially at that last statement.
“What do you know about me and Crichton— me and John?” she demanded.
“Oh Aeryn, it is apparent to everyone except you. And to John to some degree, but more so to you. Every person on the ship knows you care deeply for him. Your Peacekeeper training has failed you. But, as in the case of your father, that is not always a bad thing.” She backed away, sitting back in her original position.
“What do you mean, as in the case of my father?”
“Well, he was the ideal Peacekeeper. He obeyed orders to the last letter, treated his soldiers well but was strict all the same. He knew that he was a good soldier and Captain, but he wanted to be more. He wanted to feel. He felt that the training the Peacekeepers provided lacked compassion and care. They were the best at teaching cadets how to use a pulse rifle, pilot a ship, and be a good soldier. They taught how to suppress feelings and observe killing and death without getting distracted with mourning or grief. It looked good on paper, but your father disagreed with that tactic. He thought that to be a good soldier, you had to have some regard for life, or else you never truly understood what you were fighting for. He tried to teach others his theory, but they just laughed at him. He realized that everyone else was too deep into the training. Peacekeeper High Command got wind of the suggestions and they were furious. When he realized that he would never be able to teach others to love and care for others, he decided the only thing left was for him to be more. I was assigned to his command and we instantly connected. We worked well together and were drawn to one another. We decided to have a child for us, not for the Peacekeepers. We did, and he taught me the very things Velorek taught you. He taught me to love, to care, to feel. In many ways yours and Velorek’s relationship was a mirror image of ours.” Aeryn blushed at this and looked at the floor. John taught me the same things as Velorek. She’s going somewhere with this, somewhere that involves John. Her mother continued. “Our friend, Henrique, betrayed us by telling High Command about us. They finally found a way to dispose of your father. He took his sentence of death as any honorable man would. In the moments before he was put in the chamber, he told me he loved me and that he was glad he’d gotten the chance to really live his life before he died. His only regret was that he never got to see his child. He died lying in my arms.” Her mother wept a tear from her eyes and Aeryn touched her arm. She looked up and smiled a weak smile and returned the gesture. “He died but his legacy lived on. You were his legacy. You eventually broke from the Peacekeeper mold, as Crichton said you would. You did as he foresaw; you became more. I always knew a part of your father would be with you, and it seems that the good part is with you. I’m very proud of you, as is your father.” Aeryn smiled and hugged her mother.
“It was very difficult. I had to go against everything I ever knew. Quite often, I’m not sure if I can do that. But Crichton made it easier. He helped me. He was always there, encouraging, supporting, and pushing me to be more, even when I pushed him away. He believed in me even before I did.”
“That, my dear, is the sign of eternal love. When a person believes in you before even you do, then they are there forever.”
“Yes, but I don’t know if I’m ready to love again.” The incident with Velorek came flashing to her mind. She shuddered. Her mother sensed this.
“I have it on good authority that Velorek does not hold you responsible for what happened to him. He is very proud that you evolved and became a better person, as he always knew you could, and eventually would.”
“I don’t want to hurt or be hurt again. Every other relationship has ended in disaster. Velorek, Larraq, all of them. I just don’t want to have to go through the pain again.” She lowered her head, feeling as though she’d somehow failed her parents.
“Aeryn, you broke through the limitations of the training to be something more. Now, you know deep in your heart what you want to do, all you need to do is follow what’s in here,” she pointed to Aeryn’s heart, “not what’s up here,” she said pointing to her head. “You’ll make the right decision. Your father died trying to give every Peacekeeper the right to love and experience emotions. You have that opportunity. Please don’t let your father’s hopes die in vain. I made the mistake of not breaking free when I had the chance. I won’t let you make the same mistake.” She looked hopefully into her daughter’s eyes, tilting her head so their eyes were level. She kissed her daughter on the cheek and got up to leave. As she was about to leave, she turned around. “You have the courage to do the right thing. You always have. He loves you, and you know it. You just have to be a believer.” And with that, she left.
Aeryn stayed on the pad, silent, motionless, and confused. I do love John. I have for a while. I don’t want my father’s legacy to die in vain. I will do what he fought for. I will live. Aeryn got up and left the workout room in search for someone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
// Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. //Aeryn woke up in a light sweat. She vividly remembered her dream, and desperately held on to the image, the remembrance of her mother. She retained her words, “Follow your heart. You’ll do the right thing.” She got up and dressed hurriedly. She walked quickly throughout Moya’s halls in search of him. She went first to his room, but found it empty. She proceeded to the terrace, as she knew he didn’t have watch on Command for another three arns. As she passed the entrance to Command she noticed a familiar figure over the consoles. She turned back to the entrance and stood at it. She saw his figure, hunched over a console. I wonder what he’s doing here. He doesn’t have watch for a long while. He started to turn around right then, so she made a movement to announce herself. He didn’t turn around, but rather stood still for a few microts, then said, “Hi Aeryn.” She walked over.
“Hi John.”
“So what are you doing here?” he asked.
“I was about to ask you the same question. You don’t have watch for another three arns,” she said moving to close the large gap between them. He whirled around, surprised that she’d know when his watch was. She realized that and blushed. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
“I see. So what about?” he asked with genuine interest. That’s John, always concerned for others. Always saving others in any way he can without asking, or even expecting, anything in return.
“Well, I had a dream. My mother was in it and she was telling me about my father, what he did and why he died.” She paused and moved towards the terrace entrance. He followed, temporarily neglecting his duties. She sat down on the floor and motioned for him to join her and he did. “She told me how he fought the Peacekeepers to try and get them to allow feelings. She told me how they loved each other even though it was considered treason. She told me how I was following in his footsteps, and how she was very proud of me.”
“So am I Aeryn. You’ve become so much. I’m so very proud of you,” he said edging a little closer. For once, she didn’t resist, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him.
“She also told me I should follow my heart.”
“Really? Are you planning on following her advice?” She hesitated for a microt, then answered with such conviction it startled him.
“Yes.” She turned to him and proceeded. “John, every relationship I’ve had was either a disaster or meant nothing. Velorek, Larraq, they all ended in disaster. And all the assigned “relationships” were empty, painful. Maybe that’s why I’ve been avoiding my emotions. I couldn’t bear the pain. But my mother made me realize that I have to overcome my fears and love again. The hurt can’t be a reason to push people away. You’ve been there for me. Every time I’ve needed someone, you were there, by my side, ready to do anything, and what do I do in return? Push you farther and farther away. You love me, and I love you. I’ve just been too scared to act on those feelings.” She stopped hoping he would say something.
“Aeryn, I would never hurt you. Never ever. I love you too much.”
“I know. And I would never hurt you either.” Just then a song flashed through her mind she’d heard before. She couldn’t remember where, but she’d heard it somewhere. Then she realized it was one of John’s favorite childhood songs. She felt it fitting for their feelings right about now and started to hum its tune. John laughed slightly and began to sing it. And they sang that song for several moments.
// I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Ah, love was out to get to me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried.I thought love was more or less a givin’ thing
Seemed the more I gave the less I got
What's the use in tryin'
All you get is pain
When I needed sunshine I got rain.Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. //After they’d finished the song, John looked into Aeryn’s eyes. “So what else did your mother say?” Aeryn gave him a mischievous smile and he cocked an eyebrow.
“Let’s just say she showed me how to be a believer.”
Author’s Note: The lyrics to The Monkees’ I’m A Believer were used without permission and were reprinted without permission. They are also not in their original state- I have used them in part, not in their entirety.