Crash and Burn
by Janne
Summary: Crichton reveals his feelings about his encounter with the Aurora Chair some time after the event, and Aeryn attempts to help him conquer his demons.Spoilers: Some references to A Bug’s Life, Never, and Hidden Memory.
Disclaimer: The Farscape concept, theory, characters, and overall universe is not the property of me, but rather of Fox Studios Australia, Jim Henson Co, Sci-Fi Channel, and Nine Network Australia. This story is strictly for entertainment purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author’s Note: I’d love to hear what you think about it, so don’t hesitate to e-mail me. I don’t mind if you use it, all I ask is that you give credit to me where credit is due. And with all that said, please enjoy.
// Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not aloneBecause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again //John sat staring at the stars before him as he had done so many times before. He liked to see them, then his worries and problems didn’t seem so big. There are so many people that have much bigger problems. Much bigger demons to fight. Much bigger emotional thorns to overcome. Just then he heard footsteps. He didn’t even turn around to find out who it was- he already knew it was her. She came and sat down next to him and stared out into the stars with him, not pressing him for information. They sat like that for several minutes and then he said something. “What are you doing here Aeryn?”
“Well, I figured you would want to talk. I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you want to talk.” He turned his head and looked at her, but didn’t say anything. “I can tell there’s something on your mind, John. You’re different. You aren’t as rambunctious, as fun loving, as friendly. You recoil into yourself and won’t let anyone in. You need to talk to someone John. I’m just letting you know I’m here if you want to take the first step. I can’t take it for you.” He sat there, amazed at this woman’s speech. She wanted him to spill out his innermost feelings when she wouldn’t even do the same for him? Of course, you’re always the one pushing her, Johnny. Maybe you should be the example. It couldn’t hurt. He turned to face her and motioned for her to sit opposite him. She obliged, but sat next to him instead, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. This caught him off guard and a slight smile spread across his face. She looked at him, then, noticing his excitement at her motion, and she smiled one of her radiant smiles that made his heart melt. I love that smile. I live for that smile. He inhaled deeply, then started his story.
“You know when I was in the Aurora Chair?” He got a nod of acknowledgement from her intent face. He continued. “I have healed from the physical wounds, but I haven’t quite healed from the emotional ones. I’m still working on that. It’s not as easy as I make it out to be.” He smiled a lopsided grin at her at that last comment and she returned it. “I guess I’m just trying to say that Scorpy took something from me that I’ll never get back. He also revealed a part of me that no one had ever known was there. I was very vulnerable. It was the most personal stuff I have in my mind, and he took it. I didn’t offer it and give it to him; he took it. It was ripped from me and I have no way of getting it back. I have also killed, and I can never take that action back either. That scares me, what I have become almost scares me.” She nodded and moved slightly. He could tell she was getting a little uncomfortable but didn’t want to say anything, for fear of deterring him further from talking. He smiled and pulled her closer to him, having her sit between his legs and holding her. She tensed up slightly, but she felt the security and gentleness of his touch and he felt her relax.
“You will need to deal with the images you saw. Many of them you probably did not know existed. It has let you see a side of yourself you would rather not know was there. But it is not invisible, John, and you must conquer your inner demons. It won’t be easy, but it will make the rest of the process so much easier. And you can’t fully heal until you do.” He knew she was right and was so glad she was there. He could tell she was offering to help him conquer his demons, and was glad he could take the journey with her. He inhaled and smelled the scent of her hair. She’s so beautiful, so fragile, and yet so strong.
“I know I must, but it is so hard to do it. I need your help.”
“And I will help you.” She turned around and they sat face to face. She looked into his eyes. They held such pain, such suffering, and she wanted to take the burden from him so badly. But she knew he must rid himself of these toxins himself. But she could, and would, help him along the way.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They entered her workout room together. She led the way to her munching bag, and set her gear down. She turned around to face John and started to speak.
“You must first recognize your demons before you can eliminate them. Put your gear down and come over here with me.” She gently took his arm and led him to the bag. He looked at it in wonder.
“How’s this supposed to help me find my demons?” he asked her. She shook her head, realizing he was not adept at the ways of the Peacekeepers.
“There is a ritual of sorts that the Peacekeepers use when someone has certain problems that must be overcome. This is one of them.” She walked behind the bag and held it as she was spotting him. “Now, look into the bag and visualize your worst enemy. Concentrate on nothing but the bag and the enemy within. Then, punch it.” She braced herself for the blows he would deliver, for he was much stronger than he looked when he was angry. He closed his mind and searched for his worst enemy. Surprisingly enough, there was not only one. The first to come to his mind was his father. He spoke to him in a belittling sense, tearing self-confidence from him at every remark.
“You were a terrible son! You never lived up to the family name! You are a disgrace to your mother and me! You’ll never be half the hero I was!” His father’s words came piercingly close to ripping his heart out, but he could hear Aeryn.
“Don’t let him get to you John! It’s all in your mind; it’s not real! Just see his face on the bag and exert your energy on the bag.” Her words came clearly through the haze of hurt and rage that his father was feeding him. He opened his eyes and saw his father standing before him. He punched and kicked and jabbed until his knuckles were bloody. With every punch and kick, his father’s essence disappeared a little more. Finally, Aeryn would not let him continue any farther, and his father’s image was completely gone. She held him as he regained his balance, and was startled to see him start to cry. She laid him down and held him, caressing his hair and whispering soothing words to him as he had done so many times with her. When he finally started to calm down, she spoke.
“Maybe you weren’t ready for this. It’s difficult for someone to do this, especially in the state you are in now.”
“No, Aeryn. I started this and I’m going to finish it. Please stay here with me and help?” She looked at him, at the pleading in his eyes and nodded her consent. She got back up and repositioned him again. The he started again.
The images of enemies that came to him again were the same as before, only now his father was gone. He decided to take on that of his friend, D.K. They came face to face and the others faded away. Then the words came.
“You never should have flown Farscape! It should have been me up there! I’m double the astronaut you’ll ever be! I wouldn’t have gotten lost!” The words stabbed his heart, and he almost gave in again, but Aeryn’s words came through loud and clear: not to give in, that it was only in his head. He opened his eyes and saw his friend standing there, firing comments at him- battering his confidence. He punched him square in the jaw, and didn’t let up until his friend’s image had dissipated. She stopped him again, and held him until he calmed, the he insisted on going back into the ring again and again, fighting enemy after enemy until only one remained. He wouldn’t tell her who it was, but he said there had been a reason for leaving this one to the last. She set him up again, and then he pulled on her arm and whirled her around to face him.
“Just in case I don’t make it out, I thought you should know-“ then he pulled her in and kissed her. She found herself not resisting, as she thought she would, but rather reciprocating the gesture. When they finally broke the kiss, she was stunned, and he smiled a sly grin. Then he closed his eyes and resumed his fight within.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He stared into the eyes of the only demon left standing, and she stared right back. He was surprised that his sub-conscience considered her a demon, but wasn’t prepared for what she threw at him. She was worse than all the others combined because she hit so close to his heart.
“You little, deficient human! You’re not half the man your father was! You’ll never live up to his glory! Just go back to your primitive planet and leave us all alone! We were better off before you came here and ruined all our lives!” He winced at her words, but recoiled, knowing these were only the words of the Aeryn he had in his mind. They were only what he thought she thought. They weren’t they real Aeryn. And so he opened his eyes and kicked and punched, diminishing the fictitious apparition before him. As he did her in with a final right jab, he saw her leave and muttered her name aloud. He flicked out of his trance to find Aeryn in a stunned heap on the ground. He realized she had heard him say her name, and was probably hurt that he considered her a demon. He came to her and held her as she had done for him only moments ago.
“Did you really think of me as an inner demon?” she asked dumbfounded.
“Well, yes, in a way. I didn’t think you would ever forgive me for what I did to you. I changed your life, in a major way. You were a happy little Peacekeeper until I came along, literally.” His face fell to his chest, but she lifted it with her finger.
“You have changed my life, there is no denying it. Of course, I consider it to be for the better. You helped me be more. Without you I would be a rigid Peacekeeper, following and giving orders like a drone. Personally, I think you saved me.” She smiled and planted a light kiss on his lips.
“So you don’t hate me?” he asked hopefully.
“You always said I would never be alone. I would like to think I could offer the same for you.” She smiled and picked up her gear, waiting for him to do the same. He did and they walked out of the workout room hand in hand.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As Aeryn sat on the terrace, she stared out at the stars. She’d looked at these stars so many times before, but tonight they had a different glow, a certain luster around them. It was rather beautiful, although she couldn’t figure out what made them shine particularly bright this night. Then she heard the door open, and knew who was standing in the doorway without even turning around. The way he breathed, the way he walked, the very way his heart beat, it was all engrained in her mind. She waited until John sat down next to her to say anything.
“So what brings you here tonight?” she asked softly.
“Just the stars,” he answered simply. A question had been burning inside her since the exercises earlier that day. She wanted to know if they had worked. She wanted to ask him, but she thought better of it. As though he could read her mind he turned his head toward her and answered her question burning deep within her. “Those exercises really helped. I haven’t felt this calm since I came through that wormhole. I feel an inner peace that I haven’t felt in cycles. And I owe it all to you.” He smiled at her as he said the last part and she grinned too.
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
“Of course. I realized what was really scaring me. I conquered my demons. They came in weird forms, and all they were were my insecurities. They came in different forms; my dad, D.K., Scorpy, and others, but all had a common feeling. They all harbored my innermost fears and insecurities, and that was what was driving me to the brink of insanity. I’ve got them under control and in check. Everything’s fine. Houston, we’ve fixed the problem,” he said smiling, turning out to look at the stars again. Aeryn flashed him a puzzled look at his odd comment at the end, and he just smiled, pulling her closer to him. “Don’t worry, Aeryn. It’s a harmless human saying. I’m fine thanks to you.”
“Well, we all have to crash and burn sometimes,” she said, moving closer to him, and they watched the stars and pondered how small their problems were. They decided they had it good. They were fine.
Author’s Note: The lyrics to Savage Garden’s Crash and Burn were used without permission and were reprinted without permission. They were also used in portion, not in their entirety.