Daggers of the heart

By Donnie Thomas <kdkaine@alltel.net>
Rated PG | 11KB | Archived 03.26.00
Spoilers:S1 
Summary: None

Disclaimer: Farscape belongs to hallmark and the gang....

***

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Part I

As the leviathan Moya slowly traveled through a quiet section of the
uncharted territories for once, things were not so quiet inside the
ship. John Crichton raced along Moya's corridors after Aeryn Sun, trying
to get answers from the stubborn ex-Peacekeeper.

"Wait a minute Aeryn, what's the problem here?" John asked, trying to
keep pace with Aeryn as she marched down the corridor toward the center
chamber. Finally, she stopped to glare at him, her eyes narrowed. "The
problem Crichton, is that you will not leave me alone, now if you would
excuse me, I would like to get something to eat."

John quickly grabbed her arm, turning her towards him. "I don't buy that
Aeryn, you've been avoiding me for a whole week, and every time I try to
talk to you, you bite my head off! Now spill it, what is the problem?"

Aeryn scowled and jerked her arm out of his grasp, "Bite your head off?
I don't want to know what that means, and I do not have anything to
spill." She turned to start back down the corridor. John sighed and put
his hands to his head, rubbing his temples, "Enough Aeryn, all I want to
know is why you are angry with me, is it because of what happened in the
cargo bay? I thought you enjoyed yourself."

Aeryn stopped and visibly tensed at his remark, the vivid memory of
their time together in the cargo bay was still fresh in her mind. She
and John had been taking an inventory of their supplies so that they
would have a better idea of what they would need to bargain for on the
next commerce planet. They had been at it for arns, and she had found it
more and more difficult to take her eyes off of John, he was straining
to move a large crate so that he could get to the other crates behind
it. She had found herself caught up in the sight of his muscles as they
danced under his skin every time he moved. He had caught her looking at
him, and gave her that impish grin that was so irresistible, one thing
lead to another and they ended up in each other's arms, their passion
burning like a raging inferno.

Afterwards, as they were lying on the floor of the cargo bay, she began
to question what she had done. She knew that she had feelings for John,
but she had never dealt with these types of emotions before. She did not
know what to do about them so she buried them deep inside herself.
Instead, she had turned to the only emotion she was comfortable with;
anger. When he tried to pull her into another kiss, she had lashed into
him with barely controlled fury, and then ran from him before she broke
down. She knew that she had hurt him, and that hurt her, made her
ashamed, that was why she was avoiding him, she did not want to hurt him
anymore, but she just could not deal with the emotions that he caused
within her.

"No Crichton, it is not the incident in the cargo bay" she lied, "that
was just a mistake, a momentary weakness, nothing more." She almost
cried out in anguish at the sound of her own words. *What am I doing?
Why am I lying to him like this, of course it meant something!*

John felt like the floor had just slipped out from under his feet.
"A.M-Mistake? You can't mean that Aeryn." His voice trailed off, unable
to continue that line of thought.

"Of course I mean it, it was a mistake, something that should never have
happened." With that she turned and walked off, leaving John standing in
the middle of the corridor feeling small and alone. *Please forgive me
John, but I cannot deal with these emotions.* she thought as she entered
her quarters. She stood there for a moment until she threw herself onto
the bed and cried herself to sleep.

Part II

John numbly walked into the center chamber before realizing that the
rest of the crew was there as well. For the past few days since the
confrontation with Aeryn; John had avoided everyone, he hardly slept and
spent most of his time working on the Farscape I. His anguish over
Aeryn's statement had given way to an anger he had never felt, in his
mind she had betrayed him. He had given her his heart and she had cut it
open and threw it back in his face.

Realizing that he could not just turn around and leave the room without
being obvious, John braced himself and sat down across from Rygel with a
tray of food cubes.

"Good morning John, how are you feeling today?" Zhaan asked with obvious
concern at his haggard appearance, he had not changed his clothes in a
few days and a beard had started growing on his face, the dark circles
under his eyes indicated his lack of sleep.

"Fine Zhaan, I'm just fine." He answered roughly. John sighed, he knew
that Zhaan was just worried about him, he found it to be annoying as
hell and although outwardly he looked calm, inside he felt like he was
going to explode with the effort of trying to hold back his rage.

The others picked up on his mood and the rest of the meal was eaten in
silence. All except Rygel, the dominar was oblivious to everything as he
complained to no one in particular about Crichton's moody behavior.

"Really Crichton, you could at least have the decency to bathe before
you eat, your foul stench is ruining my appetite." Rygel stated, turning
his head towards the top of the chamber and wrinkling his face in
disgust.

"Drop is Sparky, or I promise you'll regret it." John whispered, his
eyes shooting daggers at the Hynerian.

The rest of the crew looked at him in stunned silence, never having
heard that much hostility in the usually easy going human. "Spare me
your theatrics Crichton." Rygel huffed, turning back to his food cubes.
"What could a primitive being like you possibly do to an obvious
superior being like myself."

At that moment something within John Crichton snapped, all the months of
running for his life, the pain of his torture in the Aurora Chair,
Aeryn's rejection of his love. Rygel's derogatory comments about his
species and his disregard for his feelings finally pushed John to the
breaking point. Crichton exploded from his seat at the table, scattering
his tray of food cubes to the floor as he reached across the table and
snatched Rygel from his thronesled and pulled him right into his face.

"I'll tell you what I can do you sorry little slug!" With a grunt,
Crichton tossed Rygel as hard as he could across the room, where the
dominar crashed into the wall and crumpled to the floor.

John was on him again instantly, grabbing Rygel by the throat and
putting his pulse pistol to the frightened Hynerians head. "Go ahead
Rygel, say something, give me a reason to splatter your brains all over
the wall!" John screamed into his face, Rygel just lay there shaking and
whimpering in fear.

"Crichton! What in hezmana are you doing?" D'argo yelled, drawing his
Qualta Blade. "Release Rygel and lower your weapon." When John made no
move to release Rygel, D'argo pointed the blade at his head. "Lower your
weapon NOW!"

Slowly John released Rygel, then turned toward D'argo, the pulse pistol
still in his hand. "Put your weapon away Crichton" D'argo said in an icy
tone, then more softly "Don't force me to hurt you John."

Finally John holstered his pistol, and as the realization of what he had
almost done hit him, his eyes widened and he ran from the room.

Zhaan immediately went over to check on Rygel, who was lying on the
floor unconscious. "Chiana, please take Rygel to the infirmary, I will
join you as soon as possible." Zhaan said to the Nebari, who was leaning
against the far wall staring after Crichton.

"Me! Why do I have to carry the little toad?" Chiana asked petulantly,
folding her arms across her chest. "Just do it!" Zhaan shouted, sending
the Nebari thief into immediate action from the unexpected fierceness in
Zhaan's tone.

After Chiana had carried Rygel out of the room, Zhaan and D'argo sat
back down at the table with Aeryn, who just sat there in stunned
silence.

"I have never seen John behave so violently" Zhaan whispered "he is
usually so calm, he rarely ever loses his temper." D'argo nodded, his
face tight with concern "I thought I was going to have to shoot him." He
unconsciously balled his fist. "When he looked at me, I saw pure rage in
his eyes." They both turned their gazes to Aeryn, who had been quiet the
entire time. "Aeryn, do you know what is wrong with John?" Zhaan asked,
laying a hand on the ex-Peacekeeper's arm.

"I pushed him too far" Aeryn whispered, closing her eyes to stop the
flow of tears. She did not meet their eyes as she continued. "John and
I.we.had sex a few weekens ago. Afterwards, I was having trouble dealing
with the emotions that had awakened within myself, and instead of facing
them I pushed them away." She breathed a heavy sigh before continuing.
"Then I pushed John away, I told him our time together did not mean
anything, that it was a mistake." She continued to look at the table
before her, not able to meet their eyes.

"Oh Aeryn, you must tell him how you truly feel, can't you see that you
are hurting yourself as well as him?" Zhaan said, a look of sadness in
her eyes. Finally, she composed herself and moved towards the doorway.
"I must go and attend to Rygel's injuries."

That left Aeryn alone with D'argo, who put a comforting hand on her
shoulder "you must go to him Aeryn, only a coward hides from the truth."
At her imperceptable nod, he too went to check on Rygel's condition.

Part III

Aeryn found John on the terrace, standing with his back to her looking
out at the stars. "John, I need to talk to you." Aeryn said, moving to
stand behind him. John made no move to turn around, still looking
straight ahead. "What do you want Aeryn? Did you come here to lecture me
about my foolish `primitive' behavior?"

Now he did turn around, and the anger in his eyes made her take a step
backwards. Seeing her reaction, his expression softened. "I'm sorry
Aeryn, I'm just hurt and angry right now." Aeryn stepped forward and
took his hand in her own " I know John, and I know that I hurt you when
I said our time together was a mistake, but I lied John. It meant a
great deal to me."

John pulled his hand from hers and looked away "Why the lies Aeryn? Why
would you hurt me like that." Aeryn touched his face with her hand,
turning his face to her once more. "Because I could not deal with the
emotions that I was feeling. I did not know how to express my feelings
for you, but John."

John put his finger Aeryn's lips to silence her, staring intently into
her eyes, he asks "How do you feel Aeryn? You have to tell me how you
feel." In response to his question, Aeryn leans into him and captures
his mouth in a passionate kiss that leaves them both breathless.

"I love you John Crichton." She says, and leans into him again only to
have him gently pull away from her. "I love you too Aeryn, but I can't
trust with you with my heart again, at least not yet."

As he turns to leave the terrace, Aeryn whispers "Maybe not yet John,
but I will earn your trust again. No matter what it takes."

FIN