Don't Eat the Green Touts
By Cyclone Jack
Notes from Author: like to thank Barb Shields for beta testing; like to my friend for inspiring the whole idea for this story by laughing so hard to “crackers” that he his milk shake came out his nose
Legal: I do not own Farscape, Henson does; don’t plagiarize me or I will hunt you down
(some time after Crackers)
John sat in Command, bored out of his mind. He had been sitting for the past three hours doing absolutely nothing. “Granted this is better than some alien busting my balls for whats ever in my head.” he reminded himself but he wanted something to do. John turned at the sound of footsteps to find Aeryn walking into Command.
“Hey.” Aeryn said with a sly smile.
John perked up immediately at the smile. “To day maybe my lucky day…then again it could be one of those days.” John thought to himself.
“John,” Aeryn began as she bent down to eye level with John on his stool. “Remember we had a little talk about being close on the asteroid?” she asked innocently.
“YES…I mean yeah, why?” he tried to act coy and failed miserably.
There was a long pause as Aeryn smiled at his exuberance. “I have a questions about human….behavior. Do you think when your shift is over, you could…drop by and explain them to me?” she asked inches from John’ face.
“YESSSSSSS,” screamed John’s mind “I have reached the promised land!” John had to resist the urge to grab Aeryn and kiss the hell out of her where she stood. “Uh, sure. Anything particular you want explained?” He asked huskily.
Aeryn stood back up and headed for the door. “No, nothing specific, just some general… stuff. Don’t be later.” She said with a smile as she walked out.
The next arn and a half crawled by numerically. As he sat in Command visions of what he hoped Aeryn would let him do danced in his head. A few minutes before his shift was it, John’s link chirped.
“Yo.”
“John, it’s me, don’t forget to drop by.” Aeryn reminded him before closing the channel.
John’s heartbeat began to blast in his ears. “Breath John now is not the time to pass out.” He reminded himself trying to calm down to no avail.
“Zhaan?” John called over his link.
“Yes John?” replied the priestess.
“Do you have any flowers that I could have?” he asked hopefully.
“Why, you do need a elixir for an illness?” Zhaan asked, concerned that John was becoming ill.
“Uh…no nothing like that. Its..its…itsjustthatI’m…m.. meatingAeryninamomentand and and and Iwanttogivehersomeflowersand…”John stammered quickly, jumbling his words together..
“Of course John, I will bring some up when I come for my shift.” Zhaan said before closing the link and laughing softly.
As John watched the timepiece in command, his stomach began to feel light and slightly queasy. “Got a bit of the butterflies” he laughed to himself.
At one minute before his shift was over, Zhaan walked in with an assortment of flowers in hand and small smile. “Here you are John, I hope Aeryn likes these.”
John grabbed the flowers and kissed Zhaan on the cheek before taking off down the hall. “Thanks Zhaan, I owe you one!” he shouted over his shoulder as he ran.
Zhaan shook her head and turned towards the readouts before her. “Ah, to be young again.” She sighed.
***************************************
John ran all the way down to Aeryn’s, before skidded to a halter just short of Aeryn’s door. He looked inside to find it pitch black.. “Aeryn?” John called, his hopes beginning to sink like the Titanic.
“Come in.” Aeryn called out, a hint of mischief in her voice.
John walked into the dark room and was stopped by Aeryn’s hands. “Where are you Aeryn? What’s with the lights?”
John felt Aeryn’s hands grab his wrists, “Lights on.” .
The lights came on and Aeryn stood before John naked as s jay bird!
John’s eyes bulged along with another part of his anatomy at the sight of Aeryn. John’s jaw dropped, which Aeryn slowly pushed back up with one finger as she smiled at him. “I take it this is normal humans?” she asked teasingly, as she tugged him toward the bed.
John grabbed her by the waist and pulled her against him and kissed her hungrily as the churning in his stomach began to increase exponentially. As Aeryn’s tongue snaked into his mouth, John could taste bile rising to the back of his throat. “No, not now..” he whispered in horror as he shoved Aeryn away.
Aeryn opened her eyes in shock as John pushed her way. His face was scrunched up in pain as he clutched his stomach. “John, what’s the matter?” She asked as she moved toward him. That’s when he let out a torrent of green, chucky vomit all over the two of them. Aeryn stared down at the green vomit that covered the front of her in shock as John ran for her bathroom, trying to make it to the toilet before the next wave hit him.
“YOU THREW UP ON ME!!!!!” Aeryn shrieked in rage as John heaved into her toilet.
*************************************
Zhaan scrolled down the readout on the monitor. “Yes, it is definitely food poisoning, I believe it was the tout roots.” She said.
John sat on the exam table with a bucket next to him, prepared for the next round of throwing up. He was a light shade of green and looked and smelt like vomited dren. Aeryn stood several feet away, looking very displeased. Water dripped down her hair from the quick shower she took before she had come down to check on John.
“It’s not fair, I was so close.” He muttered to himself. He looked up at Aeryn, “I’m sorry, I thought I just had butterflies.”
Aeryn and Zhaan both looked at John waiting to explain yet another one of his idioms.
"Oh never mind, just get me some pepto." He mumbled miserably.