Finding Peace
Author: Sarah Wait
E-mail: wait@kca.net
Feedback: Comments are appreciated, constructive criticism is fine, but
flames will be used to make S'mores.
Summary: "The Locket" filler - Aeryn's reflections on her 'other' life.
Rating: Let's say PG, although that's probably harsh.
Timeline/Spoilers: The Locket, vague references to anything before that
point
Archive: E-mail me; we'll talk. :)
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Farscape"
belong to the Jim Henson Company, Rockne S. O'Bannon, the Sci-Fi Channel,
Hallmark Entertainment, and the actors who bring the characters to life.
They have been borrowed with love, but not permission. No copyright
infringement is intended.
I purposely avoided reading any Locket fic, so any similarities are purely
coincidental. I did, however, draw from some of the theories presented by
members of various lists. Cristin and Adele are the ones who come to mind,
but there may be more. Thanks to all of you for great discussion and
therefore, inspiration!
Thanks to Natalie for encouraging me to keep going even though I made her
cry, and to Adele for beta-ing this mess.
Copyright Sarah Wait, December 2000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding Peace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Favoured Planet
Cycle 50
I've never done this before - written my thoughts down to try to understand
them. But then, never before have my thoughts threatened to overwhelm me as
they are now.
I have a simple life here. Simple, quiet, and boring. There is no need for
warriors on this planet, so once again, I feel out of place. I am not alone
, of course. I have acquaintances; friends. But not friends like I had on
Moya. I know that it is entirely my own fault that I have kept these people
at arm's length. Every chance I had, I returned to the mist to try to find
my way back to you, worrying for your safety and hoping to be with you
again. For so many cycles my relentless drive to find a way back to Moya
controlled my every action. My determination gave me purpose, but it also
isolated me from the others on this world. I never expected to find anyone
who could replace you, of course, but I never before realized how lonely I
would be without someone - anyone - to talk to.
I have started to garden, as a way to earn my keep. I think Zhaan would be
happy to hear that - after she recovered from the surprise. But in the long
cycles after I arrived here, I found I had to do something, *anything*, to
keep myself busy. To keep from thinking of what I had lost.
I don't really know if this is therapy or a punishment. I am tending life,
but so many of the seedlings I planted now tower over me. And still I am
here, alone. With every tree I plant, I hope that I do not see it grow to
maturity.
The others here do not understand my restlessness. Most of them came
through the mist with their entire ships, with their friends and family.
They were not abandoned here.
Abandoned.
I used to feel that way; feel that I had been abandoned by the family I had
just begun to accept. Soon the hurt faded, to be replaced by resignation...
and understanding. After all, it was my idea to leave Moya to explore the
mist, and I know you would never have broken your long-ago promise to me. I
feel no resentment towards you, nor the others.
Two cycles ago, I forced myself to mourn you. I realized that even if you
had managed to elude our many enemies and live out your life, you would
likely be gone. I dreamt that perhaps you had found your way home, back to
the Earth family you left so long ago. I hoped so. But somewhere in my
heart, I kept alive a secret wish that you would still be there if I somehow
found my way to you.
The Elders called me to a meeting tonight, along with others who arrived the
same cycle I did. As I looked around the group, I found myself wondering if
I am really so alone, after all. But I think the Elders realize that I...
we... cannot live this way.
And so, they told us of the secrets of the mist. Of its dangers, its
physical properties, and its flaws. Every year, there are brief openings in
the mist. Over time, the residents of this planet have discovered a
pattern. The opening through which I may return to Moya will not appear for
another five cycles, but I have decided to return to the Barren Planet in
hopes that you have somehow discovered a way to escape the mist. Discovered
a way back to me.
I know now that you have not lived out your life; in fact, you have never
left the mist. You have always been out there, just out of my grasp.
Perhaps I knew, somehow, that you were still alive - and that as time passed
without you, you have been as trapped as I have.
Now I am preparing myself to go find you. I have five long cycles to wait -
and to remember. I know you'd laugh if I told you this, but... I wish you
were here to talk to me. Yes, I know, all the times I told you I was tired
of talking, and now I say that I miss it. I told you that you'd laugh.
But then, I miss hearing you laugh, too.
*****
Favoured Planet
Cycle 97
So much has changed. When I tried to return to you forty cycles ago, I
didn't realize how all- encompassing the mist was, how many holes there
were. After so long, it was difficult to remember exactly where I had
broken through. I soon found it didn't matter, as the writhing, twisting
flow of the mist meant that it had remained anything but stationary. With
precious little time left, I guessed; took a chance... and I was wrong.
When I failed to reach Moya, I realized that I would have to accept my
fate - for another fifty-five cycles, at least. I had no choice but to stay
here... no choice but to make a home and a life on this planet. In order
for that to happen, I had to change. I had to 'become more', although I
often question that this is what you meant when you said those words so long
ago.
I have found here a future that I never would have predicted for myself. I
changed my life once already, once when I believed it would be impossible to
live as anything but a Peacekeeper. I thought that would be the hardest
task I ever had to face. I was wrong. As time passed, I finally grew to
accept and perhaps to be content with those changes. But though I have
accepted this future, I still find myself longing for the life - the
future - I had on Moya.
Twelve cycles after that first failed attempt to find you, I married.
Le'an is also an off-worlder. And he, too, left behind someone he... cared
about. I feel he is the only one here who truly understands me. We have
had to resign ourselves to a future here, on this planet and with these
people, and we have helped each other to find that acceptance.
Our oldest son was born five cycles later. When I first held him in my
arms, I couldn't help but wonder what *our* children might have looked like.
My thoughts must have shown on my face, because Le'an asked me if I would
like to name the baby 'John'. I considered it for a moment - a way to hold
on to the past. Then I realized that every time I looked at him, there
would be an echo of sadness in my eyes. I could not do that to my child.
Le'an understood, and we never spoke of it again.
It was then that I decided I had to focus on my life here. I stopped going
to the Barren Planet every cycle, but I could not bring myself to forget
you. Though short, my time on Moya made me into the person I am now - not a
soldier bravely giving her life for her mission, but rather a wife and a
mother. Had someone told me I would live to middle age, content to garden
and watch my children grow, I never would have believed it. Sometimes I
still don't. But because of you, and what you taught me during our short
time together on Moya, I have come to cherish this life.
And so, Le'an and I have always talked freely of our lives before the mist -
of you, and of Soilire. I do not know if the children ever fully understood
our situation, but I believe they eventually accepted it. Over time, the
stories have become almost legends; fantasies to be told on sleepless
nights. Tales of wormholes and warriors, viruses and creatures... and
finding peace amongst one's enemies. I don't blame them for turning it into
something fanciful. But as much as we love our family, Le'an and I will
always remember the truth.
Yesterday our third and youngest son left to live on his own. Other
colonies have been established on this planet, and he has found his home
elsewhere. Our children are grown and again the time of the Opening is
approaching. I feel I must return to look for you. It does not seem right
to leave my family, although they have made their own lives. But Moya was
my family as well, and it was not right to be separated from you.
Le'an, too, hopes to find those he left behind. Long ago, we made an
agreement. If either of us are able to find a way to our homes, we will
accept whatever decision is made.
If I find you - I don't know what my decision will be. In my heart, I would
choose to stay on Moya. But in my mind, I realize that it is too late for
that. My future is set.
My only hope is to make sure you and our friends have the chance to find
your own futures. With or without me.
*****
Barren Planet
Cycle 110
Fifty-five cycles ago, I failed in my attempt to return to you. Two days
ago, I tried again - and once more, I have failed.
Le'an and I traveled here, to the Barren Planet, the day before the hole was
to open, each of us hoping to return to those we had lost. We had escaped
the mist at the same time, but separately, and so must we leave. Moya's
transport pod was much larger than his scouting ship, so we spent the night
here. Excitement and anticipation chased away any possibility of sleep.
I had decided that no matter how badly I wanted to stay with you, I could
not. I've aged so much already; it would not be fair to ask you - all of
you - to take on the care of an old woman. My only intent was to warn you
of the dangers of the mist, so that someday you might find the families you
left behind, or at least a chance to make a family of your own.
Lost in my thoughts, and finally a fitful sleep, I never noticed the growing
intensity of the storm outside.
Yesterday morning we awoke to horrible conditions. Even now, I can feel the
winds rocking the pod. We have been unable to even attempt to escape the
wall of sand and wind that has descended upon us. We have no choice but to
wait and return home.
Whereas before I had felt despair and resignation, yesterday I felt rage. I
had brought a Zeccan plant with me, a distant descendant of Zhaan's gift,
intending to return it to her. I had even replanted it in its original pot
as proof of my unexpected occupation. In my anger, I threw it against the
wall of the transport. The moment it shattered, my anger was replaced with
shame. Losing my temper had accomplished nothing but the possible
destruction of one of the few things I had left of you. As I bent to pick
up the shards, I noticed something under the ledge near the floor. I swept
my finger under the ledge and came out with the locket Chiana had given me
in return for some long-forgotten transgression. I wonder if I even told
her thank you.
And now, trapped here on this desolate rock, I have nothing to do but
wonder. Wonder if I could have found you, wonder if I could have saved you
from the fate awaiting you in the mist. I had planned to give this journal
to you, so that you might understand the life I have lived without you. Now
it is simply another way to pass the time as I wait. Wait to return home,
where I will wait - and wonder - for another fifty-five cycles.
*****
Favoured Planet
Cycle 121
Le'an died today.
I feel sorrow that he is gone, but this sorrow is not the empty void that
exists when I think of you. In a way, I almost feel free. Free of the
lies, of the charade. The others never really understood our relationship,
and it was easier to simply pretend we were like any other partnership on
this planet. Easier on the outside, that is.
The truth is, Le'an was my friend - the first friend I ever really had here.
Then, eventually, he became my lover. But he was never my love. Only one
man in my life has ever been that to me.
He knew, of course, the same way that I knew I could never be the woman he
had loved and lost. In our own way, we were happy together. Over time our
futures became so very different than we ever dreamed, and we accepted the
reality of our fate. We realized we could not have what we wanted most, so
the life we had together was enough. It had to be.
I went back to the pod today for the first time in almost twenty cycles. I
finally feel free to return to the past I put behind me so long ago. Once
again, I allowed myself to feel hope. I think Le'an would be happy for me.
I have kept Chiana's locket with me as connection to the past. It helps me
to deal with my memories, to pretend they don't matter so much. Shortly
after I discovered it, I pried it open to find the image of someone's
long-ago lover nestled inside. I found myself wishing that I had an image
of you, for I realize I am forgetting your features, your voice, the way you
smiled at me. If I do find Moya, that is the one thing I will take with me
when I leave. It is all of you I will allow myself to have.
I have decided to resume my annual trips to the Barren planet. The Zeccan
plant has overgrown much of the pod, but thankfully, it has not interfered
with any of the main controls. I no longer have the strength to waste on
removing it. Ennixx is upset that I insist on following this dream - for it
is nothing more than a dream, she believes. Over time, the legends became
like your 'fairy tales' to my children and to theirs.
She fears I am losing touch with reality, when in all actuality, I feel I am
closer to 'reality' now than I have been in a long, long time.
****
Favoured Planet
Cycle 165
I look back over these brittle, yellowed pages and I see a record of my life
on this world. An incomplete record, but one that has helped me come to
terms with a life I never imagined for myself. The cycles seem to have
passed so quickly, yet it feels I have been here forever. Over 150 cycles.
More than a lifetime... more than my children's lifetimes. Certainly longer
than I ever expected to live.
We once discussed how Sebaceans have a longer lifespan than humans, but this
is unusual even for my species. I don't know why I have lasted this long.
Perhaps there is something about this planet that prolongs life. Perhaps my
longevity is yet another effect of Pilot's DNA that I received so very long
ago.
Perhaps.
The time of the Opening has once again drawn near, and I find myself torn.
I want tomorrow to be here *now*, so that I may finally find you. Yet I
fear that I will fail once more, and I will die without seeing you again.
This will be the last time I write for you, John Crichton. If I find you
tomorrow and do whatever I can to save you and our friends from the fate
awaiting you in the mist, my soul will have found peace.
If I fail... if I fail, I am sure to die before the next Opening. My heart
simply cannot take another fifty-five cycles without you. You see, I know
the secret of my longevity. You, and the hope of seeing you again, is what
keeps me alive.
Tonight I will place this written record in the chest next to my bed.
Someday Ennixx will find it, and perhaps she will finally understand the
truth that underlies the legends.
Until tomorrow, John.