Alright For Now
Author: Phil
Email: phil_fic@y...
Spoilers: Major Spoilers for DMD and the Season 2
Cliffhanger.
Disclaimers: Farscape and everything about it belongs
to its owners, not to me, obviously. The Song
"Alright for now" belongs to Tom Petty and MCA Records
Inc. The Song "Fade to Black" is owned by Metallica
and Capitol Records.
Big thanks to Lin and Jigs for the betas. Also thanks
to Mark/Officer Don.
Archiving: Help yourself.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Welcome + Appreciated.
"Life it seems to fade away,
Drifting further everyday,
Getting lost within myself,
Nothing matters, no one else.
I have lost the will to live,
Simply nothing more to give,
There is nothing more for me,
And in the end it sets me free.
Things not what they used to be,
Missing one inside of me,
Deathly lostness can be real,
Can't stand this hell I feel.
Emptiness is filling me,
To the point of agony,
Growing darkness, changing dawn,
I was me, but now he is gone..."
*
The room was dark, a dim glow from the walls the only
illumination. He sat cross-legged on the bed; eyes
closed, palms pressed together and his forehead
lowered to touch the tips of his fingers. His face
spoke volumes about his life; deep worry lines cutting
into his once handsome face and a few small scars,
permanent reminders of his past mistakes. This man
had gone twelve rounds with the universe…and lost.
A tense stillness hung in the air, disturbed only by
the distant hum of the craft's systems and the man's
indecipherable muttering. He paused for a moment, his
hands slid up to rub his temples and he sighed the
heavy sigh of the desperate. It had been a long time
since he'd managed more than a few arns sleep.
His eyelids slid open slowly to reveal black islands
floating on the sea of azure irises. He gazed into
the distance somewhere beyond the wall, his eyes
bloodshot and empty. Anyone who had known him during
his old life could have easily recognized his physical
features, but his posture and character were much
changed. No longer was he relaxed and open; he hid
behind solid walls of mistrust and paranoia. His
easy-going nature and humour were still there, but
somehow twisted and darkened.
He stood, the black leather of his clothes glossy
under the soft light. The sway of his long coat
revealed more than one sidearm secreted about his
person and he no longer gave the impression that he
would have many issues with killing, or death. He
strode towards the door, which rose and parted for him
as he slammed his palm on the release.
He walked determinedly into the lowly lit corridor,
casting short shadows as he repeated the journey he
had made so many times in the last three monens. The
others onboard were likely asleep or at least in their
quarters, which was fine with him - conversation was
something he avoided where possible these days. Even
the priestess had given up trying to persuade him to
discuss his feelings. Pilot would be awake out there
in his chamber, but the symbiot had long since learnt
to accept or at least ignore his late night movements.
A few hundred microts later he approached his
destination and drew to a halt outside the airlock.
He reached out to open the locker next to the door,
taking out a large, mostly white fur. He wrapped it
around his shoulders and drew the hood up over his
roughly cut and matted hair. Now ready, he opened the
outer door of the airlock and moved inside. He closed
it behind him before turning to face the inner portal.
A thin glaze of ice coated the small window and
distorted the view of the room beyond it. He turned
the handle and drew in a sharp breath before he
stepped through.
The chill blast of air hit him as he entered and
surveyed the familiar room. A few barrels and crates
were stacked in the corner with small icicles hanging
from the edges and a thin frost covered the tops.
Some scrap metal was piled in the other far corner,
the freezing cold slowing the inevitable rusting.
What he had really come for though was located in the
centre of the room - a smooth, rounded, oblong
container, roughly two meters in length.
He sat down on the barrel next to the container,
brushing off the thin layer of white that had built up
since his last visit. The vapour of his breath hung
in the freezing air as he reached over to place his
left palm flat on the glass top - opaque due to the
build up of frost and ice. His right hand slid into
the pocket of his coat and grasped something. He
slowly took out his closed fist and brought it to his
lips, silently kissing whatever precious treasure he
held. His eyes closed and he sat there quietly for a
long time.
*
A while later he sat up, wiping away the single frozen
tear from his stubbly cheek. He slid his right hand
back to his pocket and opened it. A slight jingle of
metal on metal could be heard in the near silence of
the room. He took his pale left hand away from the
glass top, leaving a pool of slush and water in its
wake. Through the blurred opening he could just make
out the distorted image of a beautiful ashen face,
framed by long strands of frozen black hair.
He was alone, desperately lonely. Without her the
ship and his life seemed empty. For what seemed like
an eternity all he'd wanted was a single voice in his
head, his own. However the solitude was so bad at
times that he almost missed the chip and its master,
whispering to him in the night.
He closed his eyes and visibly swallowed, resting his
cheek against his hand. A few microts later his chest
shuddered and he blinked moist eyes. He sat there for
a while longer, breathing quickly and deeply as his
emotions started cascading out of control. Here with
her, he could let it all go, lower the defenses that
kept the painful world out.
The bitter cold of the room was matched in his heart.
The guilt still tore into the very being of him, worse
than any torture his nemesis had put him through. He
had failed her, could not summon the strength to
protect her when it really mattered. The knowledge
was constantly with him. If he'd just held on for a
few more arns, on top of the monens of resistance -
then he'd probably be holding her alive in his arms
right now, asleep and at peace.
His mind's eye flashed back to the data-file he'd
watched so many times; the DRD recording from the
Neural Cluster on that darkest of days. He'd been
desperate to know what her last words to him meant and
demanded to see it on returning to Moya. Pilot and
the crew had been reluctant to say the least, but
couldn't deny him forever. Within a weeken he'd
hacked into the data-files and taken what he wanted,
needed. His heart had soared on hearing her words, it
still did every time he heard them. He could hardly
believe she'd finally said it to him and how much that
must have hurt when he'd betrayed her.
Of all the things that the chip had taken away from
him; his memories, his friends, almost his sanity -
the loss of her had been the hardest blow. After two
cycles of heartache and hope, they had finally been
moving in the right direction - together. He'd worked
so hard to earn her trust and help her realize it was
no longer forbidden to feel, to love. It had
ultimately led her here, a catatonic state of neither
life nor death. Again she was trapped between worlds,
and he was the cause. Strange, and sometimes cruel
how history repeats he thought to himself.
He stiffened for a moment, hitting his leg with his
fist, chiding himself for the indulgent self-pity. He
knew what he had to do to make it right, to get her
back and for all this to make some sort of sense. The
darkness always hung in his mind though; the
depression and melancholy that waited in the shadows
to claim the unwary. He couldn't allow himself to
fail, not again. No more broken promises, no matter
what the universe threw at him. He was taking
control.
His face softened for a moment as he closed his eyes,
looking again the man he truly was, if only for a
moment. Then a sound; his deep voice softly singing a
few verses from an old song he half remembered:
"Goodnight baby, sleep tight my love,
May God watch over you from above,
Tomorrow I'm workin' what would I do,
I'd be lost and lonely if not for you.
So close your eyes,
We're alright for now.
I've spent my life traveling,
I've spent my life free,
I could not repay all that you've done for me.
So sleep tight baby,
Unfurrow your brow,
And know I love you,
We're alright for now,
We're alright for now."
It gave him strength somehow, his empty eyes filling
with determination to fulfil his single-minded goal.
Even if this plan didn't work, he would devise
another, and another until he succeeded or died
trying. If it worked he'd make sure she was never
uncertain of his true feelings again. "Whatever it
takes Aeryn, whatever it takes." He repeated softly as
he turned and left for the solitude of his quarters.