Amends

AUTHOR: Natalie Williams
DISCLAIMER: I own zip. Although if I did own anything, I wouldn't have
to write this fic...
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: One take on what happens to Aeryn while frozen.
NOTES: Shaye, take your muse home.

---

*What the frell.*

That was the first thought in Aeryn Sun's mind as she once again
became aware. She wasn't awake, though, she knew that. She didn't know
where she was, and she didn't think about it too much. All she knew
was that she was cold, and she was alone.

*Am I dead?*

She had had plenty of brushes with death in her life. More as a
fugitive than as a soldier, really. Yet she had never had to wonder if
she was dead or alive. She couldn't even tell. How did someone know
that they were dead? The very thought was terrifying, and that terror
told her that she must still be alive somehow. Hopefully.

She had never wanted to die. She certainly never wanted to die alone.
Since discussing the possibility of an afterlife with John in the
flax, she had secretly hoped he was right. She wanted what he said to
be true. She wanted light. She wanted family and friends. If this was
an afterlife, John was wrong.

"I never thought I would see you here."

She knew the voice. It took a moment to realize who it was, but she
recognized it. Turning around in her mind's eye, she came face to
face- so to speak- with Larraq.

"You're dead," she gasped, a horrible realization coming over her.
"Does that mean-"

"No," Larraq told her. "I don't think so, at least."

If her body could sigh in relief, it would have.

"How did you get here?" he asked. "I figured you'd have at least a few
more cycles before this ever happened to you."

What had happened to her? Sorting through her thawing memory, she
began to remember piece by piece the events that had led to this
state. Scorpius' possession of John, the chase on the planet... the
crash...

"Scorpius," Aeryn growled. "The frelling bastard."

"Just wait till you get your hands on him?" Larraq said. She could
hear the smile in his voice, that teasing lilt she remembered.

"If I get my hands on him," she said. "I don't know how to do that
from... here. Wherever we are. Where are we?"

"I've never been sure. I can't tell you any more than that." He
paused, his voice becoming serious. "For what it's worth, I am sorry
for what happened on your ship."

She waved the apology away. He probably didn't even know what he had
done, and she had never blamed him for it. "It was a long time ago.
You didn't bring me here," she assured him.

"But this Scorpius did."

It sure as hell hadn't been John. She'd heard John in those last
moments. The man that had pleaded with her not to die was not the one
who mocked her as he destroyed her Prowler, as she was falling to the
ice. "Yes."

She wasn't sure if she continued to talk with him, but she never
really knew when Larraq's presence disappeared. It wasn't abrupt,
either. It was like when she and one of her Peacekeeper bunkmates
would talk to each other in the barracks till they fell asleep. It was
like he had just fallen asleep and she had remained awake. She was
disappointed by his absence, though; she hated being alone here.

Aeryn didn't know how long she was alone again before the next
presence came around.

"Hello, Aeryn."

As she realized who it was, Aeryn began to wonder if that sudden skip
of her heart was in her mind of if she was feeling a physical effect
of her own body. Then she began to wonder how to get out of this, how
to make herself fall asleep. This was the one person she dreaded
facing. "Velorek."

"It's been a while," he said. He sounded serious. Sobering. Maybe a
little angry, not that she could blame him.

The words were said before Aeryn even knew she was saying them. "I'm
sorry," she said. "They killed you, didn't they?"

"You knew they would," Velorek said. "It took courage to do what you
did. I never knew you'd be capable of that, exactly."

She couldn't feel her body, but she could feel the pain this encounter
was bringing her. "I don't even recognize who I was back then," she
told him quietly. "I've come to realize that recently."

"Was I right about you?"

Aeryn smiled inwardly. "Yes. About everything."

"You are special, Aeryn. Sooner or later you were bound to realize
that," said Velorek.

She couldn't take much more of this, but she wanted to tell him
everything. About Moya, about John... About how he had changed her
life, even if she didn't appreciate it at the time. "You were right
about everything," she began. "Crais' secret project on the Leviathan?
I live on the Leviathan. Moya. She had a child, a son. Crais left the
Peacekeepers, took Talyn with him. He treats him well, but..."

"He's a madman, Aeryn. You know this. Don't trust him," he warned.

She didn't want to think about this now. She wanted to tell him, she
didn't want a lecture.

Apparently seeing this, Velorek said, "I did love you, you know."

*I love you.*

Last time she had heard those three little words, she'd had her head
bashed in. She pushed away the memory. That didn't count, it wasn't
John. "I loved you, too," she said.

"I think I like this goodbye better," Velorek said. Then he was gone,
leaving Aeryn in the cold.

If she saw anyone else during her time in limbo, she only consciously
knew of one other. At least with this conversation there were no
apologies that needed to be said.

"He loves you, you know."

It figured those would be the first words Gilina said. Aeryn mentally
nodded. "I know," she said.

"And you love him," Gilina continued.

Oh, frell it. She had said the words thinking John would hear her. She
was barely alive now, if at all, and it wasn't like Gilina would pass
it along as a piece of gossip. "Yes," she admitted.

"And it only took you two that long to admit it. I never thought I
would get a straight answer out of either of you."

Aeryn paused, suddenly wanting answers to the question she'd had for a
cycle. "You wouldn't let me not answer you," she said.

"Mm hm. Him, too. I wanted to know if I was being led on. I don't
think John ever intended that," Gilina said, "and I wanted to believe
him. But he was always in love with you, from the very beginning."

She doubted it had really been that long. "Thank you for caring."

"It was hard not to. I want him to be happy. You seem to make him
happy. He did risk his life to save yours," said Gilina. "You did the
same for him before you were even recovered. When you find something
like that, you don't let go of it."

"I don't want to," Aeryn said. Amazing. The words were so easily said
to a dead ally, but she had such trouble saying them when it mattered.

"Then fight for him."

She felt a sudden surge of hopelessness swell in her. "I don't think I
have a choice in this matter."

Gilina was gone before Aeryn knew it, but she didn't feel alone this
time. The tech was right. She had to fight. For John, for her life...
Fight as she always had, as she had been trained to do. Even her
Prowler, the last remnant of her life as a Peacekeeper, was gone, but
that drive, that will to survive would stay ingrained in her.

And fight she would, as long as no one interfered before she had the
chance to make it through this.

If nothing else, she had to get the message to John that he was right
about everything but the light.

END