Seeing The Light: 2
By ISIS
Notes and Disclaimers: See part 1
Aeryn made her way slowly down the corridor, sweeping the stick back and forth in front of her as D'Argo had shown her. She had been grateful to the Luxan for the cane, feeling more confident in moving around the Leviathan, though she had strongly suspected John's hand in its invention. But right now all the Sebacean felt was mind-numbing fear and despair.
As soon as the transport pod had docked with Moya, Aeryn had grabbed her cane and stumbled from the docking bay. The others had let her go, knowing she needed some time alone. She had allowed Zhaan to convince her to let the third doctor in as many weekens poke and prod her, only to repeat the prognosis of the previous two, that her blindness was untreatable, permanent. She had listened to his words, her face stony, revealing nothing of the turmoil she was experiencing. She had merely thanked him, interrupting Zhaan's questions about other doctors, and demanded to be taken back to Moya. She endured the flight back to the Leviathan, ignoring Chiana and Rygel's attempts to draw her out and Zhaan's inane, optimistic chatter. Inside, she felt as if she would explode.
Her groping hand found the lock of her room and she palmed it open, stumbling inside and closing the door behind her. Then she stood inside the entrance, feeling the panic and despair rising in her. Aeryn took a step forward and her booted foot slipped on something small and metallic. She fell painfully to her knees with a grunt. Her searching hand found the offending article and she picked it up, turning it in her slender fingers to identify it. It was her comm. The rounded pin had slipped from her fingers that morning and skittered across the floor of her room. Unwilling to suffer the indignity of being found on her hands and knees looking for it when Chiana showed up to guide her to the transport, she had left without it.
It was the final straw. With a scream of rage, Aeryn fired the comm across the room, hearing it clatter against the far wall with satisfaction. It was followed by the cane. Then she gave in to the frustration, desolation, and above all fear that had been consuming her since the accident. She reached around her, feeling for the privacy curtain each crew member had hung inside the latticework door of his or her cell. Tears streamed down her face as she pulled it from its fastenings, echoing the shriek of ripping material with a harsh cry of her own. She tore around her quarters, destroying everything she could get her hands on. The more things she threw to the floor, the more she stumbled; the more she stumbled, the more enraged she grew. Finally, she fell heavily against her overturned bed, and lay panting in fear and despair, her tirade over.
Aeryn felt waves of sickening hopelessness and terror wash over her. She knew she could not continue on in this condition, constantly at the mercy of the others, relying on them for her every want, a burden on them that they did not need in the danger they lived in constantly. If she had been a PeaceKeeper still, her path would have been clear to her, her death expected of her, so as not to lessen the strength of the unit. Aeryn felt the tears stream down her face and dashed them away from her sightless eyes angrily. She knew what she had to do.
As she groped around for her cane, Aeryn felt a wave of painful regret. She remembered her last words to John, spoken in shocked anger over three weekens ago. She desperately wished that she could speak to him once more, explain to him what she had to do, make him understand that it was for his own good, for all their sakes. But she knew that was impossible. He would stop her as he had when she had nearly died before. He would probably risk his own life for hers on another foolish crusade. Aeryn could not let that happen. Her seeking hands grasped the cane and she headed swiftly out the door of her wrecked quarters.
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John pilotted the Farscape module into Moya's docking bay and set it down beside Aeryn's Prowler. He signalled to Pilot that he was docked and then sat in the cockpit, his head in his hands. The last three weekens had been hell and it was all his fault. He had watched his vibrant, energetic Aeryn sink deeper and deeper into the Sebacean version of depression. His heart ached as he followed her silently through the halls of the Leviathan, always there behind her, desperate to catch her as she stumbled, frantic to speak to her and apologise to her, aching to take her in his arms and comfort her, reassure her that everything would be okay. But John knew that she rightly blamed him for this last predicament that he had dragged her into, so he simply stayed by her, ever her silent shadow.
This last visit had seemed to seal Aeryn's fate. John had stayed on after the others left to question the alien doctor further about Aeryn's case. The tall feline doctor had shown incredible patience, his striped tail swishing back and forth as he gave John truthful if not optimistic answers to his probing questions, his emerald eyes sympathetic. Finally, he had suggested another doctor, a colleague on a distant planet who might have had more experience with Sebacean physiology, particularly cloning and regenerating tissue. John thanked the doctor and climbed back into his module. He had flown back to Moya, knowing he could not let Aeryn drop further into despair. His mind raced as he tried to come up with possible ways to teach her to take control of her life again, even in permanent darkness.
Just as he was about to climb out of the module, Pilot's voice came across the comm, tinged with concern. "Commander, are you still in the docking area?"
"Yes, Pilot, what is it?"
Pilot hesitated, then answered. "Aeryn Sun is heading your way. She just ... just destroyed her quarters. Moya and I are concerned about her. She seems particularly distraught." Pilot paused again. "I know the prognosis was not good. I'm afraid she may do something reckless."
John sighed."Understood, Pilot. I'll try to speak to her, calm her down. Thanks." John closed the comm and left his module swiftly, apprehensive about his coming confrontation.
But he didn't have much time to worry about it. Aeryn burst around the corner of the docking bay door, moving with remarkable accuracy towards her Prowler. John saw the look on her face, the determined set to her jaw, and raced over to stop her. "Aeryn! Stop!" He placed himself directly in her path.
The jerk of her head was the only indication she gave that she had heard him. She ducked to one side then expertly evaded him, sliding past him, heading towards her Prowler. John lunged out and grabbed her arm, ducking to avoid the unerring swing of her cane, grabbing her other wrist and wrenching the stick from her grasp. Aeryn turned to him and screamed, "No! Let me go, John! Let me die!" Tears streaming from her eyes, she freed her arm and looped her leg around John's, pushing him to the floor and returning to her desperate flight.
John leaped to his feet and ran after her. He launched himself at her, grasping her around her waist and dragging her to the floor, rolling to take the impact of their fall. She fought him like a wildcat, clawing at his hands to free herself from his restraining arms. "John!" she shrieked hysterically. "Please, let me go!" She stretched out to grasp the bottom of the Prowler's ladder to try to pull herself out of his grasp, but John grabbed her arm and wrapping a leg around her struggling form, rolled her away from the Prowler, coming to rest on top of her. He finally managed to straddle her thighs and pin her arms down in either side of her tearstained face. But still she fought him, writhing desperately under him, trying to throw him off.
"Aeryn! Stop it! Aeryn! No!" John hung on for dear life until he felt the fight go out of her at last. She lay sobbing beneath him, her hair a tangled mass around her head. John waited until he was sure she would not resist, then he moved to kneel beside her, hauling her up into his strong embrace. Aeryn wrapped her arms around his neck in a stranglehold and gave in to the despairing grief that had been eating at her for so long. Her body shuddered as she was wracked by deep-wrenching sobs. John's own eyes filled with tears at the state to which she had been reduced. He held her tightly, rubbing her back and stroking her hair, pressing his lips to her temple to whisper soothing words to her.
Over her shoulder, John saw Zhaan appear, obviously alerted by Pilot. She gazed at him, silently questioning whether he needed help. John clearly saw the sedative injector in her hands. He met her eyes and shook his head slightly. Zhaan studied the weeping Sebacean in John's arms, then turned and left the docking bay as silently as she had come.
Finally, calmer, Aeryn lifted her face from his damp shoulder. "Please, John, let me get in my Prowler. Let me do this. It's for the best," she pleaded softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
"No, Aeryn, I won't let you do this! It's not for the best! That's just the PeaceKeepers talking! It's wrong!"
Aeryn's eyes filled with desperate tears again. "You can't condemn me to a life like this, John! I'm useless!"
John groaned at her words, "You're wrong! I won't let you die! I need you!"
Aeryn's sightless eyes flashed with blue fire. "You need me!" she scoffed. "What good am I? I can't see! I can't fight! I can't protect you! I can't protect Moya and the others! Useless!"
John groaned again, "No, Aeryn, I do need you! I lo...," he stopped, unwilling to complicate the situation by telling her that he loved her. "No! Besides, you're not useless just because you can't see." Aeryn snorted in disbelief. "Look, you nearly made it to your Prowler. How did you do that, huh?"
Aeryn stopped, "I know this Leviathan like the back of my hand, Crichton!"
"Right! And when I tried to stop you, how did you avoid me without seeing me?"
Aeryn frowned, "I could smell you, hear you, feel you!"
"And even though you got turned around, you made it to the Prowler, how did you do that?" John pressed on relentlessly.
"I can see the docking bay in my mind's eye," she replied, turning her face away in confusion.
"And when I tackled you, Aeryn, you nearly got away? How could a useless blind person do that, huh?"
John was finally rewarded by the ghost of a smile crossing her lips. "Because, Human, I can take you ..."
"Blindfolded?" John said, then hastened on. "The point is, Aeryn, you very nearly overcame an opponent to achieve your goal. Just like you've always done. Just because you can't see, doesn't mean you're useless. Far from it. I can help you learn to do things again, to move without fear, to do things for yourself." He reached out and lifted her downturned face up to his. "Back on Earth, we stopped calling people 'handicapped' and started calling them 'challenged'. The Aeryn Sun I know and lo..., the Aeryn Sun I know would never back away from any challenge. Will you now?" He watched the myriad emotions flit across her face as she wrestled with his question.
Aeryn's mind was in turmoil at John's words. A part of her angrily thought he was merely delaying her, distracting her from her purpose, but another part of her desperately wanted to believe him, to stay with him however she could. Finally, she relaxed, letting her cheek press into his hand, loving the sensation of his thumb gently stroking her face. "All right, John, we'll try it your way," she sighed with resignation. She didn't have to see to know that he was smiling, that beautiful lopsided grin that had attracted her to him from the moment they met. Her eyes filled again with tears at the thought that she would never see it again.
John's thumb slid up to capture the crystal drop that spilled from her dark lashes. "Don't worry, sweetheart. Everything will be okay. I'll be with you every step of the way. Like you said to me on the Royal Planet, there's nothing we can't do together." Unable to refrain any longer, John leaned forward and brushed his lips lightly across Aeryn's. She responded to him immediately, her mouth warm and firm against his. John leaned back, then groaned and pulled her into his arms, kissing her with increasing passion, tasting the salt of her recent tears on her lips. Aeryn melted into him again, drawing strength from him until a discreet cough behind them had her pushing out of his embrace, her face flushed with embarrassment.
"Is everything all right, Aeryn? John?" Zhaan asked from somewhere behind her.
"Yes, Zhaan, it's fine. Aeryn was just upset at the last doctor's prognosis," John answered, deliberately giving Aeryn time to compose herself. " But she's all right now, aren't you, Sunshine?"
Aeryn let John help her to her feet, her impersonal PeaceKeeper mask back in place, unaware of the meaningful looks passing between the Human and the Delvian. "Yes, Zhaan, thank you for your concern. I'm fine now."
"All right, my dear." She felt Zhaan's cool hand take hers, passing her the cane before squeezing her hand in reassurance. Aeryn's mask slipped a bit, but she heard Zhaan's soft footfall leaving before she could say anything further.
She started slightly as John's hand reached out for hers and his strong arm slid around her shoulders. "Let's get you back to your quarters. I understand you have a bit of cleaning up to do." Aeryn looked down in embarrassment. Then she smiled ruefully, not in the least surprised that someone had informed John about her destructive frenzy. Instead she let the knowledge that the others cared wash over her and ease her fear of the future somewhat.
About two arns later, John met with the others in the central chamber for dinner. He had been loathe to leave Aeryn alone in her restored quarters, but she had fallen into an exhausted sleep as soon as he coaxed her to lie down and rest. She had looked so beautiful, so vulnerable lying there that John had wanted to lie down next to her, take her in his arms and try to make her forget the accident had ever happened. But of course, he couldn't. After contacting Pilot and asking him to place a DRD outside her quarters, John had made his way down to the central chamber.
"So what happened, Crichton?" Chiana asked anxiously, as he sat down, swallowing down the tasteless foodcubes.
"Aeryn tried to get to her Prowler and fly out of here. Good old PeaceKeeper Hari Kari," John declared ruefully, pushing his empty plate away. He caught the uncomfortable look on D'Argo's face. "What? Don't tell me you think I should have let her go?"
D'Argo looked at the others, "She is a warrior, John. She should be allowed an honourable death."
"Quite right," Rygel agreed. "Aeryn Sun would not appreciate being a burden to anyone." He yelped as Chiana's swipe caught him square on the back of the head.
"Can it, furball!"
"That's a load of dren and you know it, both of you!" John cried. "First of all, she's not dying! And second, she's not a burden. She's still Aeryn! Just because she's blind, she's not any less a valuable member of this crew!" He stared in disbelief at the skeptical faces around him. "I don't believe you people!"
Zhaan moved to calm the distraught Human. "Look, John, we're not saying that. We just want what's best for Aeryn."
"And that's letting her kill herself?"
"No, but ...," Zhaan began.
"No, Zhaan, you listen to me. All of you," John said, his voice dangerously controlled. "First, I don't want any of you to let on how you feel about her being blind." He glared at D'Argo and Rygel. "Not a word! I'm going to prove to you how wrong you are!" He took a deep breath and continued. "Secondly, I want you to help me, unconditionally. I have several ideas but I can't do it alone. There are some things I need made and then Aeryn and I will need your help with her training." John stared at his crewmates, his eyes blazing with determination. "Are you with me on this?"
Pilot's image appeared immediately on the viewscreen in the corner. "Yes, Commander. Moya and I are ready to do all we can to help Aeryn." The symbiont stared at the others challengingly.
Chiana looked at John's face and grinned. "Tell me how I can help, Crichton." He smiled tightly at her and turned to the others.
"You know I will do all I can, John," Zhaan said softly.
"As will I," D'Argo added with a sigh.
All eyes turned to Rygel. "What? Of course I want to help Aeryn. I was only -- what is it Crichton calls it? -- playing devil's advocate." He quickly steered his thronechair away from Chiana's angry swipe.
"Okay," John began, "Here's what I need." He launched into an extensive list of items, detailing the modifications and dimensions exactly. The others gazed at him in astonishment, encouraged by his obvious expertise. Chiana signalled a break by getting up and pouring everyone a cup of ras'laq, left over from their visit to the Royal Planet.
Finally, Zhaan had to ask."How do you know so much about this, John?"
John sat back, taking a break and sipping on his ras'laq."When I was in grade five, a girl transferred into my class. She had recently lost her sight in an accident. I volunteered to be her buddy, help her get her bearings and learn to be self-sufficient. I saw all the stages of her training, even helped her coach with her guide dogs." He grinned at the confused looks on the others' faces. "I'll get to those later. Anyway, Annie and I became really good friends. We kept in touch all though college. When I left Earth, she had just had her third child. She graduated top in her class from Harvard Law, had a thriving criminal law practise and a husband who adored her. She was even a world class swimmer, taking gold in the Special Olympics." He faced his colleagues. "She never let her lack of sight stop her from doing anything, and I'm not going to let Aeryn's injury stop her either."
"So tell us more about these 'kite docks'," Chiana asked, intrigued.
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