When Skies are Gray 2

The Traveller's Song (pt. 3)

by Shipscat

Meara woke up suddenly, her internal clock telling her that she should have been up already. She was right. She only had half an arn to get to her duty station. She was a little surprised to find herself still in Aeryst's arms and still in his room. She hadn't intended to fall asleep. In fact, she was really surprised that she had fallen asleep. She carefully eased herself out of the tangle that were their arms and legs and got dressed. She found everything except her tank top. After a short search, she found it in the bed with Aeryst clutching it in his fingers. She tried easing it out of his fingers but he had a death grip on it. Not wanting to wake him, she gave up on it and zipped her jacket up all the way.

Pausing a moment to admire his sleeping face, she left.
Meara was having a great solar day despite the lack of sleep from the night before. Of course, the fact that she was distracted by thinking about the events of the night caused her to make several small mistakes as she was learning to fly the marauder, but she really didn't care. She also wasn't too worried about the fact that Broc got the upper hand when they were sparring until he grunted something about the strange way she'd been acting lately. He had gotten her down and was sitting on her chest, leaning back slightly, a triumphant look on his face. The position was a grotesque parody of a more intimate one. "That's why you aren't interested in me, isn't it? You have the look of someone who's being frelled on a regular basis."
Meara snarled and hooked her feet over his shoulders, sitting up quickly. This maneuver resulted in Broc being propelled backward, banging his head on the matted floor. She sprang up quickly, taking a closer look at him. He was out. She waited a microt or two. He started to come to. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, then stalked off.
Nevertheless, her good mood was ruined. Frelled was such an ugly word. So was recreate, now that she thought about it. The word sex was better but rather cold. She really didn't think it fit the warm feeling she got whenever she thought about Aeryst, but that was still what it was. Meara started wondering if she should have recreated with him at all. She had been having so much .. well, fun, not recreating.. Probably that was all he'd want to do now. With a pang, she realized that he might not want to do that, either. He had just said he wanted her for the night, and they had made no plans to see each other on their next duty free days like they usually did. It was Meara's experience that men were not so interested in going to the same well twice. And she knew that she certainly wasn't. She had never taken a recreating partner for a few days or weekens like she knew others did. It was too complicated. She started to think in the back of her mind that the attention Aeryst had shown her was some strange and drawn out form of foreplay. It had certainly worked, at least from her point of view. If she had only known it meant the end she would have tried to make it last longer. It didn't matter anyway. The end result was always the same. If not now, then later.
It was three days later and Aeryst was getting worried. It was the usual time that their schedules meshed and he had yet to hear from Meara. He had already made a casual perusal of her usual haunts and a pass by her room. He was torn between being concerned that something had happened to her and worried that she didn't want to see him again. He tried to tell himself that he would know if she were wounded, but another part of him whispered that he wouldn't know if she were lost or dead. Cursing himself for acting like an idiot, he settled for drifting by her room every half an arn or so, depending on how inconspicuous he could be.
He was very relieved when he saw her go into her room. She looked fine, in fact, she looked like nothing was wrong. She hadn't seen him, so waiting for a microt, he keyed in her code and let himself in.
She was taking off her jacket when he came into the room. When she turned and saw him, she stopped what she was doing and her jaw dropped.
"I've been waiting for you," he said.
"Why?" she said, completely at a loss.
"Because it's our day," he answered, as if it were obvious.
"I thought it was over," she said, looking completely confused.
"If you didn't want to see me anymore, you could have had the decency to tell me."
"Tell you what?"
Aeryst reached out and grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. She went willingly into his arms. "Were you disappointed with me?" he said softly into her ear.
She melted a little at the contact and the memories. "Of course not," she whispered back. "But you said you wanted just that one night."
"I meant that you didn't-oh, dren." Looking into her eyes, he said, "I want to keep seeing you as long as I can."
She shook her head a little. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I am. My parents were together for cycles. For all I know, they still are."
Meara was starting to get a little uncomfortable. "Your parents weren't Peacekeepers," she said, pulling away from him.
"I happen to know that Captain Garn has had the same lover for twenty cycles," he said, looking a little frustrated.
Meara raised both eyebrows. "He has not, " she said. "And if he did, he is Captain. He can do what he wants."
"Meara, I care about you and I'm not going away."
"Well, I am so it doesn't matter anyway. I'm getting a marauder in a few weekens," she said, turning her head and back to him.
"Dammit, Meara, what do you think we've been doing all this time? What do you think this is all about?"
"I don't know," she said, turning back towards him with her arms crossed over her chest. "You are the strangest person I have ever met. I have no idea what you want from me." Her voice was getting a little shaky.
Aeryst took the tanktop out of his pocket and threw it on the bed. "You forgot this," he said and left.
Meara sat on the bed and stared at the offending shirt. She was feeling really stupid, and that wasn't a feeling that she liked. She knew that she had somehow hurt him and she hated it.She laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. What *was* this all about? She tried to find something that made sense in all the swirl of emotions that engulfed her when she thought about the time since she had known him. It was obvious that he still wanted to see her, and she was glad about that. It surprised her a little, because she had never liked it when men assumed that just because you recreated with them once that there was going to be a next time. The other thing that was obvious was that she shouldn't make assumptions. She knew Aeryst was different. She had spent most of her life with soldiers and he was more intelligent and kind. (And better in bed, another part of her reminded her.) He had different ideas about what was right and wrong, and it seemed he had different ideas about men and women too. She might as well forget every conclusion she had ever come to about men because they weren't going to be of any use to her. But what was really clear to her was that she wanted badly to see him again and that if whatever it was that was happening between them was over that she didn't want it to end this way.
"Are you alone?" Meara asked as she walked into the medical bay the next day.
"Why are you here?" Aeryst asked as he stopped tinkering with the instrument in his hands. He came around to the front of the desk and leaned against it with his arms and legs crossed.
"I'm not leaving for a while," she said. There was no response from Aeryst. He seemed to be waiting for something.
"We could be together until then," she suggested.
"I'm not interested in a recreating partner."
"Maybe we could go back to the way things were before," she said, a little more gently.
"It's different now."
"Why?" she asked. At least the wary look in his eyes was gone now. Maybe she wasn't frelling this up too badly.
"Because I.. can't be around you without wanting to touch you." His arms were unfolded and his hands were clutching the desktop now.
"You certainly weren't having a problem with that before," she said sardonically.
"Believe me, you have no idea," he said, and actually smiled. "Look, Meara, I know you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I have very strong feelings for you. It's going to be bad enough as it is to see you go. I don't think it would be a good idea to get more attached to you than I..."
He stopped because she was starting to back up and look visibly frightened.
"Don't you feel that way too?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head, "I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"That's why you didn't tell me, isn't it? Didn't you think I might be upset if I knew you were going to leave, or that I might worry about you?" He closed the distance between them and grabbed her arms gently before she managed to back right out the door.
Meara struggled to say something but she was suddenly too close to tears. She nodded without looking at him.
"Can you change your mind? Can you go back to prowler duty?"
She shook her head. "I don't think so. And if I could, they would never promote me again," she said, breathing again.
"But it's the most dangerous duty there is. Is it that important to succeed?"
"Yes," she said desperately, lifting her head to look at him. "The most dangerous duties are the fastest track to promotion.You don't know what it's like. You just hide here in your laboratory like you were High Command and you don't have to do the things I do. If I'm shooting at someone, I want to know why I'm trying to kill them." Her eyes blazed and her voice was strong with conviction.
"No. I just clean up after what you soldiers do," he said contemptuously.
"That's not fair!" she exclaimed, whirling around and running out the door.
Later that day Meara was sparring with Broc again. She was in a foul mood and luckily for him he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut about it. She was just starting to get tired when she saw Aeryst's face around the corner of the open door. He drew back as soon as he saw that she had noticed him.
"I'm done," she said and left Broc sprawling on the floor. She followed Aeryst down the corridor for a little while before she decided there was no one around and it was safe to catch up with him. "Where are we going?" she asked.
"I found a place that I think no one knows about. I think you'll like it," he said without looking at her.
They walked along in silence for a while. Meara was beginning to regret not having picked up a towel as she had sweat running into her eyes. It also occurred to her that her hair must be a real mess.
"I've been thinking about this afternoon," Aeryst started.
"Thinking?" Meara said.
He gave her a sideways glance. "Haven't you been thinking about it?"
"No," she said truthfully. "I've been hitting things. Well, mostly I've been hitting Broc."
Aeryst grimaced.
"I suppose now you're going to say that you don't like it when I get hit?"
"I don't. Particularly if it's him."
"He makes a good sparring partner. A few days ago I came really close to hurting him because he, well, I was mad at him. He just keeps coming back for more. I have no idea why."
Aeryst gave her an appraising glance. "I do."
Aeryst did not add anything to his comment and he lead her through a couple of halls and up some stairs and finally, a ladder. Meara immediately noticed that the room they were in was open to the stars. "Wow," she said, looking up. "There's a hole in the ceiling. What is that? It's at the wrong angle to be a port for a gun or a torpedo." She was walking around in a circle with her face to the sky.
"I think it's a cannon hole. It looks like it was repaired with a small energy field and then forgotten."
"That means that it could be turned off or fail and cause a problem someday," Meara said, finding the exact center and lying down on the floor beneath it. "It's dusty in here," she commented as she laced her fingers together under her ribcage and stared at the stars.
"That's why I think no one comes here," he said, sitting down in the shadows in a corner of the room . He took a deep breath. "I told you that I've been thinking, and I wanted to let you know that I want.. that whatever time we have together is fine-well, okay with me. It has to be. I won't make it hard for you. I won't tell you how I feel about you and I won't ask you how you feel about me."
Meara had a painful lump in her throat. Was this what she had wanted? She felt that she had reached some kind of decision point in her life. She knew that she *should* say that it was wrong to form personal attachments, that she didn't want to hurt her career, that she thought he was strange and possibly crazy. She *wanted* to say that she thought she cared about him, too. That she was sure that she liked the fact that he cared about her, even if she found it a little frightening.She opened her mouth to say that this was never going to work, but what came out was, "I like your nose."
"You like *my* nose?" came out of the shadows.
"Yes," she said, unlacing her fingers and and putting her hands over her head in a position of surrender. "It's fierce, you know, like the nose of a prowler."
"It's not that sharp," coming from a little closer to her.
"I keep thinking 'he's so gentle and sweet to me'," she said dreamily, "but then he's got that strong, powerful profile." She looked over at him with stars in her eyes.
He was shaking his head and smiling at her, almost close enough to touch.
She looked away and grabbed the front of her blouse, pulling it away from her skin. "I'm all sweaty," she commented.
"You want to go to my room and take a shower?" he suggested.
She propped herself up on her elbows, causing her breasts to thrust forward, and shook her hair back. She looked over her shoulder and said, "I'd rather stay up here and get sweatier....unless, of course, you think I'm too smelly and disgusting."
He leaned over and licked her cheek delicately. "Mmm.. salty."
Meara giggled.
Meara and Aeryst spent the next weeken in bed. Every chance they got, it was either her room or his or the room under the stars. Meara was really surprised that the sex could get any better, but as they learned more about each other and explored each other's bodies, she learned there were new heights of pleasure to reach. She wasn't sure if it was the same for Aeryst, but he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. Of course, that wasn't all they did in bed. They ate in bed. Meara taught him a gambling game that the soldiers used to gamble away their credits and meager possessions. Aeryst started winning most of the bets, and she suspected him of cheating. It was probably what they were betting on that inspired him to cheat. It wasn't that she minded losing, because losing was always a delightful experience, but it irked her that she couldn't figure out how he did it. And they talked. Meara had never talked or listened so much in her entire life. She had had no idea how many things she had opinions about until she had someone to listen to them. But true to his word, they didn't talk about how they felt about each other, or what the future would bring.
Meara and Aeryst were lying head to toe, sprawled along the length of his bed. Aeryst was reading, with one hand curled around Meara's ankle.
"I need that ankle," she said. He released it without comment and she got up from the bed and fetched her boots and a polishing kit. As she sat down on the edge of the bed, his feet moved over and nestled against her bare backside. "Why do you do that?" she asked.
He put down the handheld data storage unit and looked at her blankly.
"You're always touching me," she struggled with a clarification. "As if you were checking to make sure I was really there."
"I do?" he asked. "Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," she decided against telling him she found it oddly reassuring. "I was just wondering why. I'm not just going to disappear or something."
"I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it anymore."
"I'm not going anywhere right now," she said thoughtlessly.
"I thought we agreed not to talk about this," he reminded her.
"Maybe we should," she said, looking at the strained look on his face.
"Loss can happen at any time."
"So you're making sure you're looking out for it?"
"That's me," he said dryly. "Constantly vigilant."
"How do you know its always going to happen?"
"It always has," he said, turning back to his device.
Meara was guessing that this had something to do with his parents. "What was it like having a family?" she asked, still working on her boots.
He thought about that for a microt. "It's nice. It feels good to have somewhere to belong." He looked over at her with that slightly goofy expression he often got when he looked at her.
"Do you mean like a regiment or a unit?" She looked back at him with her dark hair spilling over her bare shoulders.
"No. I mean belonging to someone who loves you."
She smiled and looked down at her boots. His voice had wrapped itself around her like a warm blanket. She put the boots down and stretched out beside him.. She touched his face and said softly, "I have a training mission. It's supposed to take only a couple of days. I will be back, I promise."
"Okay. I'm going to miss you," he said and kissed her-a sweet slow kiss that felt like forever.
Meara was back from her training mission and had a couple of arns to kill before she knew Aeryst would be free.The mission had been boring which meant that it was a success. She did feel a little more competent in handling the marauder, although she had to admit to herself that it wasn't as much fun as flying a prowler. She had missed Aeryst the entire time, and was having a hard time remembering what she had done with herself before she had met him.
"Hi, I'm Kel," came a voice from behind her.
"I'm Sun," she answered and looked up at the owner of the voice.
Kel was young, strong and good looking. He sat down close beside her and moved his chair closer to hers so that he was almost touching her. 'I've been watching you and you look like you could use some exercise."
"So, do you think you're the man for the job?" Meara asked archly. She was remembering what she used to do when she came home from a mission.
"I think I could take you- a couple of times, " he drawled.
Meara stood up and finished her drink and walked out. Kel followed her. When they reached her room, she let him in. He immediately shoved her up against the wall and plastered his body against hers. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. She felt nothing, so she tried harder, drawing him into herself. He started ripping her clothes off and pulled her onto the bed. She tried putting his hands where she knew she liked but it wasn't having the expected result. He clumsily tried to follow her lead, to make her happy, but she only got more frenetic. Before she knew it it was over.
"Well, I'd heard about you, but that was-
"Get out,' she said with contempt, still lying on her back on the bed.
She could tell by the way he was moving as he put his clothes on that he was hurt by her comment.
"Nothing against you,' she said, staring at the ceiling. "Just go away."
She laid there for a moment after he left wondering why the hezmana she had done that. And then she wondered why she was so angry at herself. It wasn't like she hadn't done it many times before. She decided to take a shower. She wanted to wash the feel of him off of her skin. She was feeling even worse by the time she stepped into the shower. She had the feeling that she had carelessly and stupidly broken something valuable. Something useful, that she needed, like the time she had overloaded and blown up a pulse rifle.
Had she always felt this empty afterwards? She realized that she had never been full of anything before to feel so empty now, and she started crying. She slid down in the shower and sobbed heartbrokenly. She realized that a profound and fundamental change had happened. She was not the same person that she was before.
Aeryst greeted her at the door with a smile. "You're back. How did the mission go?"
"Fine. I'm back, aren't I?" she said, and put her arms around his neck and leaned into him. She kissed him passionately and lovingly. He put his arms around her and squeezed, lifting her off the ground a little. She ran her hands through his hair and kept kissing him. She finally stopped and started taking his shirt off. After getting his shirt off, she backed him up to the edge of the bed and gently pushed him down on it. Aeryst seemed to find this mildly amusing. She put her hands on his shoulders and shoved him onto his back. When he reached up to help her take her shirt off, she batted his hands away. She leaned down and breathed into his ear, "I want to show you how much I missed you."
Afterward, as she lay sprawled on top of him, he gasped, "Still better than flying?"
"I was flying. Weren't you?" she murmured, and rolled off so that she was laying on her side. She dragged Aeryst with her and draped his arms over her and snuggled in.
"You okay?" he asked.
"It's cold out there."
Aeryst noticed a small bruise on her shoulder as her hair fell back. It was actually a couple of small marks in a line. 'Those look like teeth marks' he thought , 'Did I do that?' Something cold ran through him as he realized that he hadn't .
"Talyn?" Meara said. It got his attention. She had never called him Talyn before. He hadn't even been sure she knew it was his first name. "I don't want to do this with anyone but you. Ever."
"That's fine with me," he said carefully.
"No, I mean it," she said emphatically. "And I don't want you to, either."
"I'm not frelling anyone," he said. "I haven't been since I met you."
"What would you do if I did?" she asked softly.
"It would kill me," he said matter of fatly.
A pang of guilt ran through her. It had not occurred to her before that he would care. She snuggled in closer and decided not to tell him what she had done.
"Then I won't. I promise."
Talyn brushed her hair back over the small bruise and held her tightly until the pain in his heart eased. "I love you, Meara."
"Don't say that."
"It's not a bad word. It's how I feel."

"It's Lt. Ralaryn, isn't it?" Meara asked, with her head lying on Talyn's shoulder. It was several days later, and they were in the secret room, looking up at the stars.
"She's the captain's ...lover," she said, hesitating over the last word.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"I've been watching him. She's around a lot and they seem happy when they're together. Besides, I remember she once called him "pompous" and he didn't do anything about it."
"He is pompous."
"There are a couple of other people I've gotten suspicious about," she said conspiratorially. "Do you think that this kind of thing goes on more than we think?"
"I think it goes on more than *you* think," he said. He was thinking of saying that some people could be suspicious of her and Broc, but he decided against it.
"You're laughing at me again," she said comfortably. "I was just thinking it can't be that wrong if others have personal relationships and Captain Garn hasn't been Captain forever so they must have found some way to be together if they have been together as long as you say they have."
After sorting this out for a microt, Talyn replied, "It wouldn't be easy. One of the reasons they change assignments and transfer people is to avoid the problems that come with personal attachments and friendships."
"They make it very clear that your only loyalty is to your unit and your superiors. Friendships are detrimental to an effective unit." Meara paused for a microt. "Besides, it makes it harder to watch them die."
Talyn gave her a little squeeze in response.
"You were right. I should have stayed here, even if I had to teach little brats to fly. I don't think Captain Garn would have been in a hurry to separate us."
"I'm way ahead of you," Talyn said.
"As usual."
"I'm going with you."
"No, you're not," she said automatically.
"Science Officer Aeryst at your service," he said, giving her a mock salute.
She plopped herself down on his chest. "How? I got this assignment because I pulled six people out of burning wreckage. How could you possibly arrange this?
"I contacted someone in High Command that I once treated for a venereal disease that you can only contract from a certain species of alien."
"You *blackmailed* someone?"
"I didn't even have to threaten him. He just asked what I wanted." When she looked at him askance, he added, "It's a particularly unattractive species of alien."
She looked deeply into his eyes. "I'm not sure it's such a good idea."
"You would rather we were apart for monens or cycles at a time?"
"I don't want you to get hurt. Besides, you said you weren't any good at combat."
"I didn't say that. I said I didn't like it."
"I don't want you to have to ... do something you don't like," she said, biting her lip.
"I won't do it if you don't want me to," he said seriously.
She looked at him for a moment, thinking. "We'll have to bulk you up. You're too skinny," she said, poking his ribs for emphasis.
The worst thing about the Marauder was the lack of privacy. The Captain had his own quarters. Meara, as first officer, had her own tiny cubicle. The others were supposed to share a room but Meara soon discovered that the young military tech had found a place to bunk close to the ship's drive. Not that Meara blamed her-she knew too well how uncomfortable it could be to live in a barracks. She and Talyn had decided to keep it low key for a while-she knew with the rotating schedules that there were going to be times that they would be able to be alone together without being caught but they were both determined to act as if they were nothing more than crewmates. It was driving her insane. The only consolation she had was thinking about how much more unhappy she would be if he were still on the command carrier.
Talyn was settling into his new role well. Captain Rouj was not interested in any of his command other than if they filled their assigned duties. He did not seem to expect that Talyn or Risa, the tech, would do much in the way of fighting. Meara, on the other hand, insisted that Talyn did indeed "bulk up" and maintain an exercise schedule. She had no success in getting him to fight with her. Of course, she always had Broc. Meara assumed that it was a coincidence that she and Broc had ended up on the same assignment. She knew he had been demoted, but was surprised by the lateral transfer. She left it up to the vagaries of High Command and she really wasn't curious enough to ask. She was just happy to see a familiar face.
And what was their assignment? Captain Rouj also had no interest in divulging information to his crew. As near as Meara could tell, they were quickly heading for the middle of nowhere for absolutely no reason at all.
The marauder had landed at a Peacekeeper base.to restock and refuel. The captain had already left and although it was customary for one of the crew to stay behind he had given no specific orders. As the others got ready to leave, Risa made some resigned comment about staying behind to check over the ship.
"I'll do it if you don't want to," Talyn offered.
"I'll stay," Risa said.
"Is that what you want to do?"
"I want to get off the ship," Risa confessed.
Talyn made a dismissing motion with his hand and smiled at her. Risa looked at Meara, who nodded assent.
Later, Meara and Risa were sitting at a table drinking fellip nectar. Marik and Broc had made themselves scarce.
"Wonder where the guys went?" Risa asked.
"Probably off looking for a couple of females that don't know them well enough to turn them down," Meara said, half seriously.
"Officer Aeryst is ..um..nice," Risa said. "I wonder what it would be like to recreate with him?"
Risa suddenly found herself on the receiving end of a look that she was sure no one had seen and survived. "I, uh, guess I'm never going to find out," she said.
"Good guess," Meara said, placing her glass on the table and standing up. "I'm going to look around. Meet you back at the ship."

With her arms wrapped around Talyn's neck, Meara asked, "Is this why you volunteered to stay here?"
"Actually, I was just trying to be nice."
"Well, don't be nice to Risa anymore or I'll have to pry her off of you with a crowbar," She said, nuzzling his neck.
"You're jealous!" Talyn sounded delighted.
"Damn right.'
"You have nothing to worry about, love."
"I am worried. I'm worried about whether you can take care of yourself... I'm worried about this assignment. I'm worried about Captain Rouj. I don't think he's paying a whole lot of attention to anything. Do you know that he didn't even check Marik's service record? He couldn't have, the guy's been under investigation a couple of times. Once he was suspected of setting fire to a soldier's bunk when he was in Combat Training."
Talyn could feel her shuddering against his back. He stroked one of the arms around his neck comfortingly. "Maybe Rouj doesn't care. Not all captains would consider that a liability, you know that."
"Well,I do. It's bad enough if you have someone who enjoys killing the enemy, its another thing to have someone you can't trust at your back. I don't like you sleeping in the same room as him."
"I'll be careful. Have you found out where we're going?"
"All I know is that we're going deeper into the uncharted territories."