When Skies are Gray 2

The Traveller's Song (pt. 9)

by Shipscat

After her interview with Fossa, she decided to quit doing the small menial tasks assigned. When there was no reprisal or punishment, she quit watching the propoganda films. She still ate and exercised, in fact she found herself walking around the small track for miles, and let them check on the baby, even though they were disappointingly closemouthed about letting her know anything. She continued on for more than a monen like that until one day a quiet female medtech asked her to go to what she thought was a routine exam.

After ushering her into a small room, the medtech left and closed the door behind her. Meara couldn't believe her eyes. "Talyn!" she screamed and leapt at him. The unexpected weight of her almost knocked him over. He barely recovered his balance and kissed her fast to shut her up. Meara kept talking in between kisses. "I missed you.. I love you..I can't stand being away from you.." Talyn had his arms around her as far as they would go. "You are really big," he said.
"Oh. I haven't seen you in forever and that's all you can say?"
He looked at her with those same beautiful blue eyes. "I'm sorry Meara but you are.. really..the baby was hardly showing."
"I am the largest for my length of gestation. Do you think that means anything?" she asked worriedly.
"I'm sure it just means we are going to have a big healthy baby." he said reassuringly.
"Well, I think this is going to be a two pillow pregnancy. How did you get in here?"
"It wasn't easy. I'm sorry it took so long for me to find a way. They didn't have anything for us on the outpost, so I'm in the lab here and Broc's flying prowlers. Captain Travalya seems to be all right. I haven't heard anything terrible about her yet." He drew back a little so he could see her face. "How are you? What's it like?" he sounded and looked worried.
Meara wanted to reassure him and tell him she was fine, but she couldn't lie to him. "I hate it. I miss you. I can't stand being locked up." She laid her head on his chest. "I'm fine though, really. I'm healthy and the baby is fine and they don't know..."
"I can't stay long and I don't know if I can do it again. It's too risky," he said into her hair.
"I wish we had more time," she said longingly, attempting to conform her body to his.
He chuckled. " Big as a Command Carrier and you still want me?"
"I'm pregnant. I'm not dead."
He responded to that by running his hands over her back and kissing her deeply. In the middle of a soulsearching, burning, melting kiss he suddenly stopped and said, "I'm getting kicked."
"She does that a lot. Here, feel this." Talyn put his hand on her belly and felt a gentle movement. He put both hands on her and knelt down, placing his cheek on her stomach and closing his eyes. After a microt he placed a kiss gently on her swollen tummy and stood up. His eyes were wet.
"I love you, Meara. I'll be here when you get out." He turned to go. "Oh, I almost forgot," he grinned and pressed the shirt that she had snurched from him into her hand.
"It's not going to fit me anymore," she said helplessly.
"It's so you won't forget me," he said, and then he was gone. The visit from Talyn kept Meara going for a long time. Just knowing they were in the same part of space was vastly reassuring. She would have been looking forward to the time when she could see him again if it weren't for the fact that that would be when she gave birth. Several women had already given birth and were not seen again by the ones in the maternity ward.
Meara had been feeling a little restless and unusually energetic and was having a hard time settling down for the night. The baby obviously felt the same way as she was kicking up a storm. Meara was cooing and rocking herself on the bed when she heard a voice beside her.
"Why do you do that?" Diebe whispered.
Meara was really surprised by the question. After her admittedly clumsy attempts to comfort Diebe were rebuffed, she hadn't spoken to her in monens.
"She gets really restless when I lay down. I'm not going to get any sleep until she calms down."
"Does it work?"
"Mmmhmm. She'll be asleep soon. What about your baby?"
"I'm not in love with my baby," the other woman said, her voice tinged with jealousy.
'What a strange thing to say' Meara thought. 'I'm not in love with my baby, I'm in love with her father.' But on the other hand, she knew Diebe had a point. She didn't see the others patting their tummies or talking to their babies. Diebe seemed determined to ignore her own burgeoning growth, to the point where she misjudged her size and ran into things.
"Don't you care about your baby at all?" she asked curiously.
"No. It's an intruder."
"Maybe it didn't have a choice either," she said gently. Diebe didn't reply. She rolled over and Meara winced, anticipating the nightly crying.
Meara awoke sometime later to the sound of someone screaming. It was right next to her ear. Even in the semi-dark, she could see that Diebe was bleeding, writhing around and holding something that glinted. She pushed the emergency button on her bed that was supposed to let them know if she had suddenly gone into labor and sprang clumsily to her feet. She quickly disarmed Diebe of the knife that she had somehow acquired and determined that she was indeed bleeding profusely. She grabbed Talyn's shirt that she slept with every night and used it as a compress on the wound.
By this time there were others around but no medtechs. Meara told someone to turn the lights on and stand in front of the security cameras and wave. Diebe was saying, "I take it back. I don't want to die!"
Surprising herself, Meara slapped her, hard. "Maybe you don't deserve to live," she spat out.
By this time an emergency crew had arrived. In the hustle and chaos, Meara realised that the doors were unlocked and no one was watching. She threw some shoes on, wishing she had something decent to wear,and quickly slipped out a side door. At the last microt, she realised that she would need to get back in and she took her shoe off and jammed the door with it.
She waddled quickly down the corridor towards Fossa's office. Her waddle was exacerbated by the fact that she only had one shoe on. She was unsure as to whether he would be in his office or asleep, and had no idea if his sleeping quarters were close by. To her relief, he came barreling out of his office just as she got to it.
"What the frell happened! Are you in labor? Is it the baby?" he grabbed her arms and looked her over.
"No, it's not me," she said, shaking her head and trying to indicate the direction she had come from. "It's Diebe. She stabbed herself."
He let go and ran down the corridor in the direction she indicated. Meara leaned against the wall to catch her breath. She was really wishing that she could get Talyn. She was sure he would be much better at handling this than anyone she had seen here. Of course, she knew that was a ridiculous idea. They wouldn't even let him in.
As she stood there, she realised that Fossa had left his office door open. She went in and tried the door on the opposite wall. To her surprise, it was unlocked and when opened, led to an outside corridor. It took her a microt to realise that she was on the outside of the cage. She peeked out, making sure she was unobserved, and left. She knew she would be stopped the microt anyone saw a very pregnant woman walking the halls. She didn't have trouble finding her way around as all the command carriers were built similarly and she remembered the layout from when she had arrived. It didn't take long before she found the medical bay. She thought that Talyn would have his quarters somewhere around there if he had a choice.
She started whispering his name at doors because she couldn't think of anything else to do. When she did, a door opposite her opened and Talyn reached out and pulled her in.
"Oh, My.." words failed him. "There's blood. Where are you hurt? Is it the baby?"
"It's not mine," she said, suddenly feeling like crying.
"Did you kill somebody?" he said, as if wondering if security personnel were right behind her.
"No. My bunkmate did. She killed her baby. Well, it looked like it. She tried anyway." Meara buried her face in his shoulder. "Talyn, you were right and I was wrong. I've changed my mind. Do you think there's any way we could still get out of here?"
"I don't know. It would have been a lot easier if we'd just been on a marauder that didn't come back. How long do we have?"
"Ten solar days, more or less."
"That's what I thought. Can you fly?"
She looked up at him with desperate eyes. "I don't think I could even fit behind the controls. And I have no idea where in the hezmana we are."
"In a couple of solar days we'll be circling a commerce planet. Maybe we can find some way down and buy passage off the planet," he said, trying to think.
Meara was shaking in his arms. It occurred to him that he had never seen her this scared before. "I will do what I can," he said helplessly, knowing it wasn't much consolation.
"I know," she said, trying to look brave. "I am so sorry."
"I am not blaming *you*" he said. "Maybe if I didn't love you so much I-" he stopped what he was saying.
"I have to get back before they miss me." she said, turning her face up to his. She gave him a shaky smile and left.
She was not spotted on the return trip. Fossa's office doors were still open. She did, however, find that the shoe was gone and she couldn't get back on the ward. She decided to wait in Fossa's office.
When he came in she was sleeping in the chair opposite his desk. When he turned the light on she said sleepily, "You forgot me."
"I certainly did. I'm surprised to see that you're still here."
"Where else would I go?" She shrugged.
"Diebe will be all right. I wanted to thank you, Lt. Sun. You did well, and might be the reason she's still alive."
"The baby died." Meara said flatly.
He sat behind his desk and put his head in his hands. "Yes. I tried to save him, but there was nothing I could do."
Meara was surprised that he seemed to feel genuinely regretful." How could she do that to her baby? I can't imagine doing that to my child."
"Not everyone feels they way you do."
Meara snorted. Who was he to tell her how she felt? "She's supposed to take care of her baby, just like I'm supposed to take care of mine."
"It's not your responsibility to care for your progeny, it's ours," he said carefully.
"You didn't make her," she said defiantly, and struggled to get up from the chair. Fossa came around to the side to help her up, but she shrugged off his hand. Meara put a hand on the wall behind her for balance and leveraged herself up. With great dignity she walked out of the room and back to the maternity ward.
Fossa returned to his desk with her words still ringing in his ears. He decided to stay up a while longer and do some research.
Meara woke up because someone was patting her arm and whispering in her ear.
"You aren't going to give me a sleeping pill, are you?" she asked, opening her eyes. It was Fossa. "You are not supposed to be in here."
"C'mon. I want to talk to you."
She reluctantly dragged herself out of the bed that she had just gotten into microts before. Of course, she realized that it was probably longer than that, but it felt like microts. She followed him through the dark and silent room to his office and sat back down in the same chair.
"You really should get a more comfortable chair," she said, shifting uncomfortably. He just looked at her. "Well, I think I've spent enough time in it to be able to criticize."
"I got a report that someone saw a very pregnant woman sneaking around the halls. After a while, they decided to contact me and ask if it was one of mine."
"They must have been imagining things," Meara said casually.
"Actually, that's what they said."
"What did you say?" Meara asked.
"That they probably were. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. i know who the father of your ba- your offspring is."
"Okay. So, who is it?" she said, looking straight at him.
"You know, you've made quite a fool out of me. It finally occurred to me to check your service record, quite a good one, I might add, and you were on a long voyage with only a few potential partners, none of whom matched the names you gave us."
Meara managed to look tired and a little bored. Privately she was thinking that he had been quite slow.
"I would have bet on this Broc fellow, but the DNA tests say it's Aeryst."
Meara raised her eyebrows. "Him? I completely forgot about him. I was just sure it was Senex."
Fossa looked at her measuringly and continued. "Now, this was the same 'science officer' that worked on you after you were burned, right? He would have been in a position to know whether your implant was still working or not. And frankly, I'm skeptical about the implant's failure . I would have thought your arm would have to be burned clear through to affect the implant, wouldn't you?"
Meara shrugged. "How would I know?" She was a little alarmed by this. He seemed to be getting uncomfortably close to the truth, but of course that's why she hadn't given him Talyn's name in the first place.
Fossa leaned forward conspiratorially and said, "Did you ever think you might have been the victim of deliberate sabotage?"
Meara choked. It was all she could do to keep from aughing. "No, No. That had not crossed my mind."
"It's possible that this Aeryst fellow planned this."
"Do you really think I would have sex with someone I didn't want to? You think this guy goes around impregnating women against their will? That's what you do. I think that's a ridiculous theory." Meara awkwardly got up to leave. She'd had enough of this, and the chair was definitely hurting her back. Fossa did not move to help this time. "It's a much better theory for you than if I believed you were in on it. If you fingered this guy, there wouldn't be any more question about your involvement, and you're far enough along that the baby would be safe."
Meara graced him with her most dazzling smile. "Get Stuffed."
Before long it was obvious that she was in labor. Although it occurred to her that she might try to hide the fact, it wouldn't profit her anything and might endanger the baby. She alerted the medical personnel and then gave in to panic.
"It's too soon, isn't it? I'm not due yet."
"You're fine," they reassured her. "It's only a few days and your offspring is definitely large enough."
"Can't you give me something to make it stop? I'm not ready."
"There's no need. Everything's fine," she was told as they moved her to a different room.
Meara was reduced to begging. "Please, make it stop. I want to keep her for just a little while longer. Please."
Their response was to try to give her 'something for the pain". Meara gritted her teeth. "Get that away from me or I'll break your arm."
The labor went quickly and easily, probably due to the fact that Meara was in great physical condition. Each pain and contraction was taking her child farther away from her. She cried, she railed against the world, she used a few choice curse words but it continued inexorably on. With great force of will, she did not cry out for Talyn.
When the baby was born, she said forcefully, 'Give me my baby. I want my baby." The medtech holding the newborn brought it over to her to look at. Meara held out her arms. The medtech looked over at the man still working between Meara's legs. he shook his head. The tech looked at Meara and handed her the baby anyway. Meara looked down at the most beautiful sight she had ever seen, even if the child was still covered with blood and mucous.
'It's you," she said softly. "I know you. Oh look, you have your father's eyes." She smiled down at her child, whose eyes were riveted on her mother's face.
Another medtech said, "You were not supposed to do that. They're supposed to look but not touch."
Guiltily she snatched the baby away from Meara again. Meara started to hang on, but let go quickly as she realised that she could hurt the baby. The medtech backed up a little and then turned and ran as all hezmana broke loose in the delivery room.
Fossa entered the small room where Meara was being held. She was sitting in the corner with her hands around her knees, her head resting on them. Her hair fell in tangles around her upper body, hiding her face.
He knelt down on his haunches. "I'm not here to hurt you."
"Too late."
"What you're going through is post-partum psychosis. About five percent of our first-timers do this after giving birth. Usually there is a lot less property damage, not to mention the-"
"There would have been a lot more if I hadn't passed out." She lifted her head up to glare at him.
"Well, it doesn't matter because this kind of temporary insanity is well recognized. It won't effect your military record or rank. The only consequence will be that you will be banned from procreation assignment. Do you understand what I'm saying? You won't have to do this again."
"I understand." Meara said, getting to her feet. "I could snap your neck right now and it wouldn't go on my permanent record."
Fossa rose to his feet quickly and took a couple of involuntary steps backward. "I was worried about you from the beginning because you seemed to be overly concerned about your offspring."
"Overly concerned?" Meara repeated sarcastically.
"Your daughter is fine. She's probably the healthiest infant I've seen." He was still trying to be propitiating.
"I want to see her."
"She's being well taken care of by the baby-maternity personnel. They know how to take care of newborns."
"I want to see my child. You took her, give her back." She narrowed her eyes at him.
"You know I can't do that. If you don't calm down they will decide that you aren't salvageable and they'll give you Honorable Retirement."
"They'll just have to retire me then because I will never calm down. Now get out." Meara started pacing back and forth, gripping her hands tightly together.
"We need to look at you, get you cleaned up," Fossa said with his best bedside manner.
"I am not going to let you touch me." Meara said menacingly. She did not spell out what would happen to him if he tried.
Broc found Talyn sitting at a small table having a drink. It was the last place he had looked, having expected to find him around the infirmary. He joined him and without preliminary, said, "Some babytech is asking about Meara. He wanted to know if I thought she knew she was .. um, pregnant, before we got here."
"What did you tell him?" Talyn was looking pensive.
"I told him "no" of course, but that's not true, is it? I mean, that's why you wouldn't let her drink raslak and why she wasn't feeling well. Then he asked me if I knew who the father was and I told him it could be me and he said he already knew it was you."
"Well, you should congratulate me. I'm a father."
"You think she had the baby? How would you know?"
"I think so. Last solar day, I had an onslaught of babytechs come into the infirmary and I realised that my daughter must have been born."
This came out so bitterly that Broc realised Talyn was miserable. It wasn't easy to tell if Talyn was angry, becasue he seemed to have the same calm demeanor about everything. Broc leaned over and started whispering.
"I can't believe it. Did you two do this-" he started guiltily as he realized someone was standing over them.
"I need to talk to Officer Aeryst alone." Fossa said.
Broc disappeared. Fossa started to introduce himself but Talyn interrupted. "I know who you are."
"You know," Fossa started off conversationally, "I wanted to make you the villain in all of this. I thought it was some megalomaniac idea of yours to replicate yourself."
"I'm not going to say anything that could be construed as a confession," Talyn replied.
"It doesn't matter. The only hard evidence was thrown into a waste receptacle." He was observing Talyn closely. "I am banned from procreation. I'm not completely Sebacean."
"It doesn't show," Talyn said. Fossa looked like any other tech, a little on the small side.
"It does in the DNA. But you aren't banned. We have you on file. So why do this?"
"You wouldn't want to do me a big favor and throw those little vials away, would you?"
"What I really want to know is if you're going to be responsible for what you did. I'm afraid we're going to have to put Meara down. She's not snapping out of it and she won't have anything to do with me."
"You want me to see her?" Talyn said, getting up. "Why didn't you just say so?"
Talyn asked Fossa to make sure that his visit with Meara was not recorded, saying that he thought it would be best for all concerned if there wasn't any more 'hard evidence'. Fossa agreed, but said he would be watching from outside the room. Talyn wasn't sure that he was telling the truth, and he also didn't understand why he said he would be watching. Did Fossa think that he would do something to hurt her?
Talyn was shocked by his first glimpse of Meara. She was pacing back and forth with her arms crossed against her empty waist. Her hair was unkempt and her face was white, with dark circles under her eyes. The only thing that seemed to be keeping her up was nervous energy, as she was in continuous motion. When she saw him she stopped but did not come forward to close the distance between them. She looked at him with an expression he had never seen on her face before, a mixture of guilt and fear.
"I'm here," he said softly, holding out his arms. She turned her face away. He came towards her, still holding out his arms. She uncrossed her arms and hit him hard across the chest. He put his arms around her and held her tight. She struggled for a microt, trying to push him away, but she soon gave up and rested her head on his shoulder. He could feel her body relax and her breathing even out. It wasn't long before he realised that he was supporting most of her weight.
"I'm sorry. I let them take our baby away."
"Oh, Meara. You didn't let them, well, not without breaking a few bones anyway. And there was that guy with the concussion," he spoke lightly, hoping that she would realise that he didn't blame her.
"This is all my fault. I was so stupid," she said bitterly.
He held her more tightly and said very quietly, "We could still go away. You can have six other babies, as many babies as you want."
"I don't want other babies. I want this baby," she said despairingly.
"She's gone, Meara. They put her on another ship. She's in another creche for neonate recruits on the other side of the galaxy. Fossa told me. Evidently its standard operating procedure for cases like this."
Meara raised her head up and looked at him as if she didn't believe what he was telling her. Something in his face convinced her that he was telling the truth, and she let go with loud, gutwrenching sobs. It was all Talyn could do to keep from joining her, but he knew he had to be strong for her. When she showed signs of slowing down, he picked her face up in his hands and said, very seriously, "You have to calm down. You have to pretend you're all right, no matter how you feel, or they will never let you out of here. Can you do that?"
She shook her head dumbly.
"You * have* to. Do it for me. I can't lose both of you," he said with tears in his eyes.
This time she found herself nodding.
"And promise me you won't do anything stupid. You will be careful what you say and do, and not get yourself killed."
"I promise," she said with a sigh.
"Good," he said, folding her in his arms again. "I love you. Don't Forget It."
Fossa came in to take Talyn away. Meara didn't protest, already setting her mind to " pretending" to be sane. As they were leaving, she heard Talyn thanking Fossa.
"Just a microt," she said suddenly. "Talyn, what do you think of " Aeryn"? For her name, I mean. I was thinking of Aeryn."
"I like it," he smiled at her, and then he was gone.
Meara let them do a postpartum examination, got cleaned up, and then slept for about 12 arns. While she slept she dreamed that her baby was still inside, moving around and kicking her. She awoke to a fresh feeling of grief as she remembered that she was gone.
Meara was pleased to get into some real clothes, even if they didn't fit exactly right. She was still quite surprised, even though she wasn't her old shape, to realize how small she was compared to how big she had been. She also was glad to have her ident chip. She felt that suddenly she had an identity again, instead of being just another faceless womb in the maternity ward.
Fossa was there when she was ready to leave. She was braiding her hair back. This was quite a chore, as she hadn't cut it since she had left on her previous assignment.
After telling her she was in good shape and ready to go, which she acknowledged with a curt nod, he asked her point blank, "Why did you do it?"
Not turning around to look at him, she answered, "I love him. I wanted to have his baby." She paused for a microt. "I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to keep this baby," she said softly. She struggled to keep the tears out of her eyes and her voice. It was so clear to her now. She didn't understand why it wasn't clear to her when she was sitting in the forest on Joh.
"Well, I'm not going to say anything," he said gruffly. "It's going to be enough of a stigma for your daughter to be an accident of a soldier and a tech. I wouldn't want to be the person who made her have to live with the fact that her parents are deviants and rebels."
While the words were said without any contempt or emotional impetus at all, Meara felt a stab of guilt. She wondered briefly what life would be like for her child and whether she would end up a fighter or a tech, but that led to thoughts of whether she would be strong enough to survive at all. Maybe she would be like Risa or worse yet, Marik.
"Why put us through this? Why don't you use artificial wombs or something?"
He shrugged. "We haven't been able to get them to work. Maybe someday."
She finally turned to look at him. "Did you ever have a time in your life when you realised that everything you thought you knew was wrong?"
He looked blank.
"Well, I hope you don't, because if you do, you'll realise you have a really drenny job."
"Lt. Sun." Fossa stopped her as she went out the door. "They won't tolerate another "accident" either. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Meara looked at him with frank disbelief. Did he think she would put herself through this again? "I understand."

Broc had never seen Meara look so unsure of herself as she did when leaving the maternity ward. She took hesitant little steps instead of her usual confident stride. She didn't speak when she saw him. They walked silently down the corridor for a while. Broc didn't know what to say-he wanted to go back to the maternity ward and do to them whatever had been done to Meara to make her act this way.
"Where is he?" she asked quietly.
"He's gone. They reassigned him and had him shipped out last solar day," Broc said.
Meara staggered and almost fell, barely catching herself by throwing her hand out against the wall. This was so unexpected that Broc's attempt to catch her came way too late, but she allowed him to pull her gently upright by her arm.
"Are you all right, Meara?" he asked, worried.
"I need a drink," she gasped, as if it was difficult to breathe. They made their way to the officers club and ordered some Fellip nectar. Broc updated Meara on everything that had happened while she had been incommunicado. The Traveller's weapon had been demonstrated by Talyn and had been well received. No one seemed to think it could actually have come from the Travellers, though, since they were well known to be vagabonds whose only talent was hot-wiring spaceships. He had not been questioned about any of the events of their trip, except for Fossa's questioning, which he didn't mention to Meara.
It was soon apparent that the Fellip nectar was hitting Meara hard. Broc was surprised at how quickly it was affecting her, but he didn't say anything. A couple of soldiers greeted him as they went by, but of course, no one knew Meara. Broc went to refresh their drinks and noticed that Meara had moved to a different table and was talking to a couple of strange men. His first thought was that it was none of his business if Meara wanted to go back to someone's room, but then he thought about her telling him her recreating days were over. Generally she meant what she said.
Drifting over to check out the situation, he was just in time to see a very large and angry man get up from the table. Meara stood up also and had her hands on her hips. From what he could hear from their raised voices, Meara was picking a fight. Acting quickly, he scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder.
"She's a friend of mine," he explained. "She gets a little belligerent when she's drunk." He moved away quickly as they laughed and sat back down.
"What the hezmana do you think you're doing?!" Meara said indignantly.
"Watching your back," he said as if explaining it to a slow child. "I don't know that guy, but he's got a nasty reputation."
"Well, he didn't look that tough to me," Meara said.
"Where is your room?" Broc asked.
"I haven't the foggiest idea," Meara said foggily.
"Okay, we're going to mine, then."
On the way, Broc attempted to set Meara on her feet, but being carried with her head down did nothing to restore her equilibrium, so he carried her the entire way.
He deposited her gently on his bed. Meara lay there passively, looking grateful to be still. "You know, you're really very sweet," she said.
"And you're very drunk," he said. "Otherwise, I'd never have gotten away with dragging you out of there.. You used to hold your nectar better than that."
"It must be because I haven't had a drink in so long...I would really like to wring Fossa's neck. He must have turned us in."
"Would you really do that?" Broc asked, looking down at her.
"No. That would probably constitute doing something stupid. I can't do that. I promised."
"You don't think picking a fight with that guy was stupid? He was twice your size," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"You're bigger than I am."
"Well, i wouldn't want to take on that guy either, and I don't think you have the strength to get off this bed right now."
"You're probably right," she said, making no move to test this theory.
Broc placed a hand on either side of her, close but not close enough to touch, and leaned in towards her. "Meara, if you need anything at all, I'm here for you." He meant what he said. If she wanted someone to hit, a warm body in her bed, to curl up on his lap and cry like he had seen her do with Talyn the night that Risa died, anything.
Meara looked up at that so familiar face and smiled. She touched a lock of hair that was drifting across his face and said, "You're growing your hair out."
"Because of you," he said bashfully.
"It looks good on you. You're here, Broc, that's enough," she said gently and turned her face away, patting his arm.
Broc eased off the bed and sat on the floor. "I'm sorry you lost Talyn," he said awkwardly.
"I haven't lost him. We just aren't together right now." The face she turned towards him was sad, but luminous, like she was lit up on the inside. Broc was surprised by a fierce stab of jealousy. He knew that he had never caused anyone to glow like that, and that he probably never would.
Meara still held out hope that she and Talyn would be assigned to the same regiment again. She put in request after request for transfers, even if it meant a demotion. It was to no avail. On the other hand, she and Broc had no trouble staying together and her career continued to advance, almost despite her. She continued to walk a fine line between obedience and insurrection, and at times the only thing that kept her alive was knowing that Talyn was out there somewhere, and having Broc to rein her in when she went too far.
When she finally saw him again, almost two cycles later, it was an accident and a complete surprise to both of them. She saw him across a crowded room at a Peacekeeper base they were stopping at briefly. She didn't quite believe it was him, until their eyes locked and all the old feelings came flooding back. The self-control she had developed during the last two cycles kept her from running across the room towards him.
Later, in her temporary quarters, she jumped up and peered out every time she heard footsteps go by. Finally she heard familiar but slow footsteps, as if he wasn't quite sure where he was going. She reached out without looking and grabbed him by his jacket and hauled him into the room. His mouth found hers and he started kissing her passionately. He lifted her off her feet and she wrapped her legs around him and he carried her over to the bed.
Afterwards in the midst of endearments and sweet nothings, Meara suddenly giggled. "I'm glad that was you," she said. "I didn't really look."
"I'm glad it was me, too," Talyn said. He was running his hands up and down her body, investigating every inch and tracing every curve.
"Disappointed?" she asked, worried that she had changed since having a child.
"No," he said, kissing the end of her nose. "You are more beautiful than I remember. But," he continued, "I think you've lost weight."
"I don't have you cooking for me anymore," she explained.
"On the other hand, I think that I lacked my usual finesse."
"You made up for it in enthusiasm."
His hand stopped as he found a long scar running down the side of her right arm. It was accompanied by a similar smaller scar that ran paralell to it.
"You have a new one," he said quietly.
"It's Scarren," she said offhandedly, but she turned her face away.
"You got that close to a Scarren and lived?"
"I'm here, aren't I? I like the Scarrens-I mean I like fighting them. Not only are they worse than the Peacekeepers, they look like something out of a child's nightmare. It makes them easy to kill."
He turned her face back towards him. "I know they're very hard to kill. Have you been taking unnecessary chances, Meara? Doing stupid things?"
"Not too stupid," she tried a smile. "How about you?"
He briefly thought about sugarcoating the truth. "Our captain's a madman. I hate it."
Her eyes got big and sad. "I have tried and tried to get us in the same place."
"I think we've been marked, somehow, on our records. I don't think we will ever be stationed in the same place again. From what I've been able to find out, it's standard procedure when you have a child together, whether you're suspected of doing it on purpose or not."
"Well, dren. I guess I can't blame Fossa anymore." Meara suddenly jumped up from the bed and started rummaging through the clothes that were scattered around. "I have something to show you."
She found a small holochip and turned it on. A picture of a young child of about two cycles came on. She looked a little sad and had dark curls and dark blue eyes. Talyn realised that he was looking at the daughter that he had never seen.
"Isn't she beautiful? I bribed someone in the nursery to take that for me." Meara looked proud and happy to be able to share it with him. "She's smart, too, but I think they're going to make her a soldier, because she's tall and her reflexes are good. I'm not sure how I feel about that, because techs get treated bad but I think they have a longer life expectancy." She wound down because she realised Talyn wasn't listening to her. He was staring fixedly at the picture, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
"Do you regret it? Making her?"
"The only thing I regret," Meara said," is not running away with you when we had the chance."
Talyn reached over and turned the holochip off. "Do it now. Let's just go. We'll steal a prowler and get out of here."
"That's not a very good plan," Meara said doubtfully. She shook her head. "If I left now, I'll never know what happens to her. At least this way, I know whether she's alive or dead. I know I can't see her, but I just can't seem to let go. I don't know if you can understand that."
He rested his chin on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "No. That I can understand."
"Maybe if I get high enough.."
"Do you really believe that anymore?"
"No." She shook her head. She didn't tell him that she had has many complaints on her record as she did commendations now. The tightrope she was walking was getting thinner, and she was bound to fall off sooner or later.
"We're shipping out tomorrow," Talyn said, putting his arms around her and nuzzling her neck.
Meara sighed and leaned back into him. "No goodbyes, alright?"
"No goodbyes."
It was two and a half cycles later and Meara was looking forward to seeing Talyn again. During that time she had been through a lot of fighting and had some close calls but she was still there. Enough time had passed that she knew that the Peacekeepers were not going to use the Traveller weapon, because it's usefulness did not justify the intensive training it took to use it. They did, however, use the technology to develop a sonic net used in aerial combat training. Meara rather liked the idea that it ended up being used for a somewhat peaceful purpose. She wondered if Eldric knew that the traveller weapon would not be used when he taught it to them. She was certain that since the weapon had been given so little respect that the next group of Peacekeepers that came up against it would be as ignorant of its abilities as they had been.
To her surprise she could not find Talyn on the command carrier they were temporarily stationed at while preparing for an upcoming battle. His name wasn't even in the datastores. She asked Broc worriedly if he would do her a big favor and ask around to see if he could find out what had happened to him.
She could tell from the look on his face when they met up again that the news wasn't good.
"He's not here. Word has it that he was arrested and held for courtmartial. He refused a direct order. I'm not sure what it was. Some kind of nasty medical experiments is the rumor," Broc told her reluctantly.
"Is he dead?" she asked sharply. "No," Broc said, "he wasn't tried. He escaped. Took out a couple of guards."
Meara started breathing again. Then, to Broc's amazement, she smiled. "I guess you taught him something after all," she said.
"Aren't you upset or something?" Broc asked, as if he expected furniture to start flying around any microt.
"No," Meara replied calmly. "I'm sure he's fine. And I know he'll be much happier now."
For a microt, Meara had been upset. For Talyn, who was always so devious and careful, to get into so much trouble made her wonder if he had given up on her. Maybe she had lost her last chance to go away with him. But then reason prevailed and she realised that he must have gotten into a situation that his conscience made him refuse to participate in. She had come very close to getting court-martialed recently herself, when she led a mini-rebellion against a commander that she was certain was leading them into a deathtrap. Luckily for her, she had been right and the only ones that were still alive to tell the tale of her insurrection were the ones who had followed her lead.
"Where was it? Where did this happen?"
"Um..." Broc paused to remember. "A little planet called Nargallia."
Meara tried to remember. Was there anything she knew about Nargallia? She remembered being served a Nargallian torte in the Traveller camp. That was about it.

Meara knew that Broc had no idea why they had taken this little side trip. She had been unsure of how much to tell him about her plans. She couldn't decide whether it was better to tell him the truth or let him keep his illusions about her. She did know that there was something she needed to ask him.
She broached the subject when she and Broc were alone and, she felt, the room was reasonably secure.
"You know that I had a daughter," she began.
"I know that you and Talyn had a daughter," Broc corrected. "Why didn't you tell me when it happened?"
Meara was startled. She hadn't been sure if he knew, and she hadn't known that he resented the fact that she hadn't trusted him.
"Why bring that up now? So long after the fact?"
"You've never brought it up before. You never talk about her. You don't even talk about him." Broc looked a little less peeved now.
"I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't trust you with my child's life, but I'm trusting you with it now. Her name is Aeryn and if anything happens to me I want you to keep an eye on her. If she ever needs anything maybe you could do something to help her." Meara was getting a little teary-eyed, for the first time since she and Talyn had been separated. She tried a little smile." You know with us as her parents she's got to end up in trouble sooner or later."
"You're going to follow him," Broc looked horrified.
"*If* I were to do something like that, I would make it look like I was missing in action," Meara said calmly. "I wouldn't want you or anyone associated with me to be punished for my actions."
"Would you really do it?"
"One way or another, Broc, I am not coming back from our next campaign."
Broc looked very sad. For a microt, Meara thought she might actually have seen a tear. She had never seen him cry.
"I can't believe you're throwing your life away for some male."
"It's not just Talyn," Meara said, and she knew that it was true. After all, she had lived with the pain of being away from him so long it was an old companion. "It's that I can't win."
"You always win."
"I don't mean in terms of survival. I mean that I can't change anything. I can't make things better-even if I do in my own little territory there are still so many things that are just.. just wrong."
She looked at him. He wore his hair long now and braided it back just like hers. "I am tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not a Peacekeeper anymore. I haven't been..." She hadn't been since that microt in the delivery room when the face of the enemy had changed for her forever. She knew now why it was called irreversible or irrevocable contamination, and that it was about ideas, not genetics. And why it was that there wasn't a second chance for those who were deemed that way. Once your eyes were opened to the way things really were, there was no way to go back to the way you had been.
"I haven't been for a long time." She tilted her head and smiled at him, willing him to understand.
He shook his head, willing himself not to understand. "How do you know that he still wants you? That he hasn't.." he searched for the words that would make her stay, "found someone else?"
Meara's smile got bigger. "Then I'll drag her out of his bed by her tinted hair and throw her out the nearest airlock. I'm not worried about *that*," she said with the confidence of someone who had only given her heart once and never had it returned to her in pieces.
Broc said very quietly, "What's going to happen to me?"
Meara smiled, although there were tears in her eyes. "Maybe you'll become one of those people they teach us about in Peacekeeper training."
It wasn't difficult for Meara to sneak into the youth barracks. They weren't as well guarded as the neonate recruit facility. There seemed to be just enough security to make sure that there weren't a lot of young soldiers sneaking out.
She was very quiet as she walked through the rows of bunks, looking for the one face that she had come there to see. A child rolled over and made an inquiring noise. She gave him a fierce scowl, and he rolled back and was quiet.
When she reached the right bunk she stood there and looked at her daughter's sleeping face for a long time. She was such a lovely child. Meara wondered briefly if she had been that pretty when she was that age, but she didn't know. She had had no one to tell her she was pretty until she got old enough for men to pay attention to her. She stood there long enough that the little girl woke up, somehow sensing that she was not alone. Even though Meara had not worn anything to signify rank and wasn't carrying any visible weapons, she could tell that she was still a frightening sight.
She went to the side of the bunk and knelt down. The little girl's eyes followed her.
"Do you know who I am?" Meara asked very quietly.
"No," the child whispered.
The words twisted in Meara's heart. She knew logically that her daughter could not possibly remember being torn from her mother's arms, but it was different hearing it.
"I am your mother," Meara said sadly.
"My mother?" the child said curiously, with just a twinge of disbelief.
"You are so beautiful. You look just like your father," she said, reaching out to touch the black hair that was spilling across the pillow. The girl flinched, pulling her head back to avoid Meara's touch. The action brought Meara back to reality. She realized that somewhere deep in her heart she had hoped that somehow they all three would be together again, and that was why she had delayed leaving. She knew now that if she were to grab her child and run with her that her daughter would be the first to yell for the guards.
Meara took a deep breath and remembered what she had planned to say. "Aeryn, I wanted to tell you that you weren't just an accident or a genetic birthing to fill the ranks." Meara spoke as if she were talking to an adult, but the child was listening to every word. "I, and a male that I cared about, chose to yield a life, and that was you. Your father's name is Talyn. He's a good man, a gentle man. I wanted you to know that you were made... with love."
Meara had to stop and regain her composure. "I'm sorry, baby, you don't belong here," she said, taking a deep breath. She started to get to her feet and then turned and pulled the covers up over her daughter. "It's cold in here," Meara said, patting her shoulder through the blanket.
After Meara left, she was surprised to discover that she didn't feel like crying. She had been mourning her daughter for five cycles and knew she would probably continue to do so, but it was something she had no control over and it was time to let go. She had no other regrets. Instead, she felt a vast relief. She thought she knew where Talyn would be, but even if he wasn't there she wouldn't regret trying. She knew with a crystal clarity that she was leaving everything she knew behind her, and that she had no idea what the future would hold. She felt like she was jumping out an airlock without a spacesuit, and it felt wonderful.
The end.