You are worth it
by Aeryn Slayer
Planned on posting this before Different Destinations, but I went away.
Disclaimers: Sadly, I own nothing, although some day maybe.
Ratings: PG is probably pushing it
Spoilers: Minor ones from Season 1 and 2, mostly from SoD and SIW: WfhW
Summary: The missing tag scene from Self Inflicted Wounds: Wait for the Wheel. Set from the point where the alien ship has been destroyed
Archiving: Sure, but I'd love to be told: moyas_transport_pod@hotmail.com
Authors Note: Special thanks to Bronyx for the last minute beta reading. And for the encouragement to get back into writing.
To anyone who was reading my other story 'From the Past', I think you can all agree that is set way to long ago, and with all the current fics I'm working on, and the site, all I can say is that it's on the backburner
After everything possible had been done to secure Moya for the night, the crew of the battered Leviathan found themselves silently convened in command.
John Crichton, lone human, was getting tired of feeling alone. He had barely begun to process the fact that he had lost the love of his life, when she was returned to him, at a cost no one was prepared to pay. And only a few arns earlier, he had lost any chance of getting the information he may have been able to use to get home. Now he had lost one of the first, and best friends he had made since his arrival at this end of the universe. As he looked around the shambles remaining in the room, he took in the haggard appearances of those also affected by the loss of a dear member of their family.
D'Argo, the almighty Luxan warrior, no more than a shattered wreck. Not only had he been betrayed by his own son and his lover, but he had just lost his greatest confidant and friend. He stood, defeated, in front of a console, looking at but not seeing its readings.
On the opposite side of the room stood Chiana. Eyes still damp from crying for her lost shipmate. She silently prayed that someone would undo everything that had happened since Jothee had been bought on board. As happy as she had been for D'Argo, the ramifications of his sons arrival were a curse to all those around her.
Dominar Rygel the Sixteenth seemed to be affected by Zhaans' demise more than any of the crew would have expected. As close as they had always been, he had appeared to be reacting, as he normally would have. His last words to the 'mother' of the ship would have been proof enough. "Goodbye you big beautiful blue bitch." Only those who had seen his heartlessness up close and personal could tell he sincerely felt a loss as great as everyone else.
Pilot's solemn image graced the 'clamshell' viewer looking down at the sombre group. He felt a loss, which combined with Moya's, was a potent feeling he longed to never experience again. Zhaan had been his protector and friend. Unbeknownst to the rest of the crew, Zhaan was more or less responsible for he and Moya, since the builders had seen her fit for the position. It was a role she had accepted openly, knowing she would do whatever was necessary to protect and serve Moya. Pilot felt a level of guilt that couldn't even match that of what he felt over replacing Moya's first pilot. He tried to comfort Moya at this time, as he saw his feelings were equally reflected in his mighty charge.
Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper, so used to being in control of her emotions, was on an emotional roller coaster ride. Never before had she felt the hopelessness in a comrade's death. Then again, she thought Zhaan wasn't a comrade. She was my friend. Over the past two cycles Aeryn had grown to rely on Zhaan's constant serene presence. How was she going to cope without her here? More importantly, how was she going to cope with the exponential guilt that was flowing through her now? Aeryn felt as if every breath was helping spread the terrible emotion through her, just as it did with her blood.
The part of Starks' face that was visible spoke volumes to the loss he had suffered. His loss was as great as the one John had had to bear not so long ago. His true love had sacrificed herself for the people around him, and the ship. His own thoughts mirrored what he had been warning her about - his dark side. 'How could she justify giving her life for these people, when she could have left them all behind and been with me.' He turned attention to his right, where Aeryn was standing. 'This is all that Peacekeeper tralks fault. My precious Zhaan gave up her spiritual life force so that she could live and be with Crichton. I don't see how she could even appreciate what has been given up for her.'
It was at this thought that the quiet scene of command was destroyed.
"This is all your fault."
Everyone's head snapped up at hearing the contempt in Starks voice. Added on to this was the realisation that he was directing his words at Aeryn.
"Stark." D'Argo started, his tiredness put aside to defend the worthlessness of the Banniks' claim. "No one is to blame for what happened. It was Zhaan's choice. No one forced..."
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Stark's mad cry cut him off. "Zhaan only sacrificed herself because she was already dying. And she was already dying because she gave up a part of herself to bring you back!" During his tirade, Stark moved to stand in front of a visibly shaken Aeryn.
"Stark, I," Aeryn opened her mouth to respond, but then closed it when she knew there was nothing for her to say.
Chiana and Rygel were so stunned by Starks outburst that they became frozen where they stood. John and D'Argo on the other hand leaped into action. They rushed over to Stark and each pinned an arm as he lunged at Aeryn, all the while yelling obscenities at her and accusing her of Zhaan's murder.
"Stark, enough!" John shouted as he looked up and saw Aeryn. This is getting way out of control he thought angrily.
Tears renewed their attack as Aeryn looked around wildly, hoping to find some place she could go to get away from the accusations being thrown at her. Seeing nowhere she could escape to, Aeryn fled the room, running blindly down one of Moya's corridors.
That was just the distraction D'Argo needed. As soon as Aeryn was out of sight, he turned and immediately tongued Stark, effectively cutting off the insane cries from the Bannik. Stark's body slumped into a heap on the floor, almost taking John with him; whose attention was still on the empty corridor that Aeryn had disappeared down.
"What are we going to do with him now?" Chiana asked nervously, her eyes fixed on the motionless form on Moya's gold deck.
"We'll put him somewhere safe for the time being. Just until he calms down." John replied, finally taking control of the situation.
"Safe for who exactly, Crichton? Stark? Or Aeryn?" Rygel asked, all sincerity loss in his words.
"Safer for all of us, Sparky." John retorted. He understood perfectly the underlying meaning of the Dominar's words. Now wasn't the time to get into that argument.
A deep growl came from D'Argo as he glared at Rygel, warning him to not continue with whatever he had planned to say.
"Shoulda, shouldn't someone go after her?" Chiana queried cautiously, well aware that Aeryn was the next problem that needed to be dealt with.
Pilot, who had silently been watching his family once again begin to crumble, knew the only person suitable to go after Aeryn, was Crichton. The strange relationship between the Human and Sebacean was next to impossible for him to understand, but he knew that Crichton was the only one who could help Aeryn deal with the torrid of emotions going through her right now.
"Crichton."
No more needed to be said for the crew to know exactly why Pilot said John's name. The remaining three crewmembers turned to face John, who returned their glances. Ending with D'Argo, he gave an almost unperceivable nod before turning and heading out of command. Just as he passed the outside of the door, a thought came to him. He spun around and looked almost accusingly at his friends. "You guys don't believe what Stark was saying do you? That it was Aeryn's fault?"
Before anyone had a chance to react, Pilot answered the question with strong conviction. "I know I speak for all here when I say that, even though Zhaan sacrificed a part of herself for Aeryn, she is not more to blame for her death than Moya and myself. Stark forgot to mention that although she was dying, she still gave her life to protect Moya from being destroyed. That, in turn, protected me. In a way, we are all to blame for the loss." The solemn look on his face was matched by the sincerity and guilt in the symbiont's eyes.
John spared a glance at each of the crew, who, apart from Rygel, seemed to agree with Pilot's words. Once again heading out the door, he was held back by another voice, whose gentle statement mirrored the sadness in his tone.
"Tell her."
John didn't have to turn around to acknowledge the Luxan's words. He would do what needed to be done. He commenced his run down the corridor that Aeryn had only just been in.
***************
He was right. It was all my fault. Stark was right. The same thoughts replayed themselves over in her mind as she ran as far as she could get from the people she had learned to consider her family over the past two cycles.
Before she knew it, she found herself silently thanking Pilot as she saw the doors to her quarters opening at her approach. She never heard them close as the exhaustion and guilt overwhelm her. Aeryn finally gave in and collapsed on her bed, face buried in the pillows, her body shaking as the forceful sobs escaped.
***************
John knew exactly where he was going.
Normally, whenever a situation on Moya meant that he and Aeryn would need to talk, she could easily been found on the terrace. A place where they could reflect on what they had gone through, while being surrounded by the beauty of stars. Sometimes, if the situation were one that Aeryn didn't want to talk about, he would always find her in the maintenance bay working on her Prowler. This time however, the serious of the situation could only be pacified by her quarters - the small place aboard the giant leviathan that was all hers.
This was why John now found himself standing outside her door, trying unsuccessfully to open it for the second time. As much as he didn't want to alert her to get the door open, he knew it would be a futile effort. After arriving at this place, he easily made out her form curled up on the bed.
Her cries were so strong he could feel them inside his own heart.
After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he gently asked into his comms.
"Hey Pilot, think you can give me a hand here?"
Without response, the door noiselessly opened, allowing John to enter.
Cautiously, John crossed the few steps until he stood beside her bed. He silently argued whether he should say something, or just grab her and hold her, somehow nullifying her pain or taking a part of it into himself so she no longer had to suffer through it alone. Deciding that she may not want to be touched right now, he chose the former.
"Stark was wrong, you know." John started, sounding like he was talking to a child he was trying not to startle. As he continued, he put more strength behind his words, hoping to encourage Aeryn. "He was out of line. And he was wrong."
Aeryn stopped sobbing when John spoke to her, determined to not show any more weakness in front of him. She was also determined that she wasn't going to discuss this, especially with him. She carefully wiped her eyes and sniffed quietly as she sat up and faced him. "Leave me alone, Crichton." She told him, even though she knew it was fruitless. She would have normally laughed at how predictable his response was, if not for the circumstances.
"Talk to me."
She had quickly covered her pain with the only emotion she was trained to deal with - anger. "Leave me alone!" She shouted forcefully, getting off the bed and moving to stand bare inches in front of John.
'Not this time' John thought as he puffed up to his full height, hoping that would give him a little leverage. "I'm not goin' anywhere until you talk to me. We've all got to deal with this Aeryn. I know you don't want to, no one does. The only way we are going to get through this is by talking to each other and trying to get past it. Trust me, it will take a long time, but it will happen." He was a little disappointed that his tone had turned angry, as he was just playing her game. However, if it took getting angry back to get her to open up to him, he was more than happy to oblige.
"There's nothing to talk about, Crichton." The use of his last name hadn't escaped either of them. They both knew she only called him that when she was annoyed with him, nowadays anyway. "Stark was right. About everything.
If Zhaan hadn't given a part of herself to save me, she would never have sacrificed herself to get that ship out of Moya."
After a brief silence, she added sadly, "Just accept it. I have."
"I will not just accept that Aeryn. How can you say it was your fault, huh? You didn't force Zhaan to do either one of those things. She saved you of her own volition. She may have sacrificed herself because she was already dying, but that had nothing to do with you. You could not have prevented any of it. What even convinced you that you were responsible in any way?"
While he had been talking, John had grabbed Aeryn's arms and pulled her closer, so she was looking straight into his face. The closeness wasn't noticed until he had finished.
Aeryn had noticed, however, when she felt his warm breath on her face. She looked up into his endlessly blue eyes and saw the depth of his conviction. 'He doesn't blame me. He truly believes Zhaan gave her life for a worthy cause,' she thought as she considered his question. Deciding that the only way he was going to leave her alone was if he blamed her as well, she chose to tell him the truth.
"The reason I know I'm responsible is because it's the truth." Of course John objected to that, but before he could try and tell her that, Aeryn continued. "You don't understand John. I failed Zhaan. She gave me a part of herself so that I might live, but I failed her."
John was most definitely confused. "Failed her how?"
Aeryn looked away and let out a heavy sigh. John let go of her arms and raised his hands up to cup her face. Lifting it back up to face him eye to eye, he asked again. "How could you have failed Zhaan?"
Trying hard to hold back the tears that threatened to renew their assault, Aeryn took a deep breath and told John the truth. "Zhaan entered Unity with me, in order to give me a part of her spiritual energy. I asked her why she was doing it, and she said it was because she loved me." At this Aeryn had to pause as the tears started to streak her cheeks. John gently stroked them away with his thumbs, giving his silent support.
After a few deep breathes Aeryn continued. "She didn't do it just because she loved me, but because... because you loved me. I was to take her gift not for her sake, but for yours." The emotions running through her were too overwhelming and she had to stop.
Powerful sobs wracked her body as John drew her into his embrace. "Shhh, shhhh. It's alright now, baby. It's alright." He gently whispered into her ear, lightly caressing the length of her back with one hand, while the other was buried in her hair.
"I tried to stop her. When I realised what she was giving me, I tried to break free. I tried to stop her." Aeryn's words were muffled as she pressed her face harder into the nape of John's neck, trying desperately to hide from the pain.
It seemed like he held her for arns, although it was only a few moments. Suddenly a thought struck that confused him immensely.
"How did you remember what happened in Unity? Zhaan said I wouldn't remember details like that."
Aeryn thought about it for a microt before giving the only answer she could think of. "I was dead."
There wasn't a lot John to say to that. 'In a morbid kinda way, it makes sense. I guess.' "Baby, that doesn't prove that you failed her."
Aeryn couldn't understand how he didn't see it. "She sacrificed herself for me. For you. For us. Don't you see? Zhaan is dead because she wanted me to live and be with you. I haven't exactly done anything to fulfil her wishes have I?"
"I understand why she did it Aeryn. It's a little hard to accept, but I understand." Making sure she was looking straight into his eyes, John added, "It doesn't have to be that way, you know."
Mostly out of shock and a little disbelief, Aeryn pushed herself away from his embrace. "So what, now you'll agree to be with me because she wanted it that way? Out of pity?" Without realising it, she was practically shouting at him. She regretted it as soon as she finally faced him. The hurt in his soulful eyes was more than she could handle. "I'm so sorry."
John looked away for a moment, taking deep breathes to help stay calm. When he turned back, he looked straight into her enslaving blue-grey eyes. "You know it would never be like that. I love you, Aeryn Sun."
That was as much as Aeryn could take. In a mix between leaping and collapsing, she ended up in John's arms, crying onto the shoulder of his Peacekeeper-issue vest. All the pent up emotions she had ever had finally being liberated.
John also used this opportunity to properly grieve for his lost friend, happy in the knowledge he was safe in the arms of the woman he loved.
Pulling himself together, John cleared his dry throat as he separated from Aeryn, just enough to look back into her face. He tilted his head forward, so that his forehead just touched hers. "We're all tired Aeryn. I think all we can do now is get some rest. All of us."
Sounding incredibly vulnerable, Aeryn begged with him, "Please don't let me go."
A small smile pulled at the edges of John's mouth as he kissed her forehead. "Never."
Putting his arms around her, he led her backwards, towards the bed. As they reached the edge, he carefully helped her to sit down. He then proceeded to crouch at her feet. He started with her utility belt, slowly undoing it and laying it the floor. Then, John cautiously unclipped the pulse pistol from her thigh, shyly looking up into her curious smirk. Finally, Aeryn's boots were undone and quickly discarded.
Aeryn could barely hide her surprise as John leaned closer to her. Realising that he was only reaching past her to pull her sheets back. Surprise was very quickly replaced by an uncontrollable rush of passion, her pulse racing at the closeness of John's body.
The feeling was not lost on John either. The soft smell that was all Aeryn was clouding his senses. Not only was his heartbeat pounding so loudly in his ears he was sure Aeryn would be able to hear, but slowly, John could feel the tight pants he wore getting a little tighter. He only hoped he could stay calm enough to overcome it, since he hadn't planned to rush into anything.
Before Aeryn could take any action, John dipped down and grasped her ankles, slowly lifting her legs up onto the bed. The disappointment on Aeryn's face as she realised John was putting her in bed alone was promptly squelched when John bent down and kissed her ever so lightly on the lips. When he rose up so they faced each other, the boyish smirk did more than enough to reassure Aeryn.
John turned around and sat down next to her and removed his own belt, pulse pistol, vest and boots. Even though it only took a few microts, Aeryn was happy to just lay behind him and appreciate her view of the muscles in his back and shoulders as they moved under the thin black shirt he wore.
Unable to remove the look from her face before John turned around, Aeryn's cheeks flushed faintly. John also seemed a little flushed to Aeryn as he slipped in gently beside her. Pulling the gold sheets over them, John lay on his back in the middle of the bed. Aeryn slowly snuggled further into John's side, resting her head on his shoulder. John's arms encircled Aeryn's ithe body, as they finally got comfortable.
Only the gentle hum of Moya accompanied the last words Aeryn said before falling asleep.
"I love you too."
Both Human and Sebacean fell asleep in each other's arms, the sweetest of smiles gracing their faces.
FINI