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Why I Don't Dress
WHY I DON'T DRESS
I don't have the motivation to go through the whole thing any more. Because I woke up one day and realised I didn't look as good as I thought or hoped, and I was deluding myself to think otherwise. So if I don't like or enjoy the results, there is nothing to motivate me, except the sexual perversion, the arousal... and that's not enough. It's just too much of a hassle for such unsatisfactory results and feelings. I have to shave the whole body, shave the face real close, and it's never enough anyway becuase I have a thick, dark, coarse beard. So I bleed a lot when I shave so close. Then I have to wear very heavy make-up to try and cover the beard shadow and to try and make me look feminine. I'm over 30 so I can't really pull it off any more, assuming I ever could... but men definitely don't get less masculine with age, that's for sure. They get more masculine. Moreover, applying the make-up is frustrating and a struggle. It's never been that much fun. I would much rather someone else did it for me. It's also a very expensive hobby. And the few clothes and accessories I kept are in storage, and they're not enough to dress properly anyway. So when I get the urge to dress, first of all I think that I have to go and pick up the stuff, and then buy more stuff, and then when I think of the practical details of shaving, etc, the urge dissolves by itself, like ice cream in the sun...
I haven't been able to motivate myself since April or May 2004. Every few months I may get an urge, but it doesn't last, it goes away by just thinking about the different steps I would need to take, from picking up the stuff in storage, far far away, to shaving the body with that disgusting chemical stuff (and that's still the best method for me), and then the face, real close, with extensive bleeding... then the sticky, heavy make-up that makes my skin feel bad and irritates it for days and days. I just really dislike having stuff on me, as a guy I don't even wear any jewellery, or a watch, nothing, so all the bits I need to wear as Sarah annoy me a great deal, including the make-up, wig, false eyelashes, earrings, choker to hide the Adam's apple, and so on. It just really feels unnatural and sticky and not enjoyable at all. Years ago it used to be that the results I thought I obtained seemed to make it worthwhile, but not any more.
I would do it only if there was someone else who'd do my make-up, and maybe even the shaving, and then someone, the same person or not, who'd take pictures. Because I've always liked the idea of taking pictures, without them it's not worth it for sure. This person would also have to be nice, pleasant, not sexually interested in me, etc. Ideally they'd also do it all for free... If not, I would do professional makeovers and photoshoots, paying, but at the moment I can't afford them, in the sense that there are many things that are more important to me to spend money on than professional makoevers. So I don't dress and it's kind of a vicious circle, the less I dress the less I'm motivated to pick it up again as a hobby. Because at best that's what it always ever was.
I'm not really interested in doing the social thing any more either. I had some pretty unsuccesful, boring evenings out in 2004, and in any case it just feels wrong, I feel embarassed by how I look if I go out. The 'glamour' has gone, unfortunately. As I said, I'd still do it if those above conditions were met. But I wouldn't go out to clubs or anything like that any more, I think. It just doesn't appeal any more. I've "been there, done that"... I've lost the motivation. It happens. Some TV-CD-TGs just lose it at some point, and become 'admirers' - when they just don't like how they look any more.
I've also put on quite a lot of weight. From the photos taken in summer 2003, almost 20 kg... That's a lot. My whole body has just become more masculine in general. It was about time, and it happened around when I turned 31. It was gradual but also pretty quick. I don't think I'd ever be able to get back into the shape I was in back before then. There is just more muscle tissue, even without doing any exercise... Just a more masculine shape and appearance. It happens to everybody. For some men earlier, for some later, but usually before 40 anyway. Unless you get surgery done, take hormones, etc, that's what happens. And since it's just a frivolous hobby, a sexual perversion, and also because I don't have the money (and fear surgery anyway), surgery is a no-no. And hormones too, there would just not be any reason.
Sarah's 'gone', because that kind of body isn't there any more. I probably will dress again at some point, maybe even regretting not doing it now in my early thirties, but it won't last. Because I'll remember the reasons why I didn't do it. And they're good reasons...
I always knew I was going to stop dressing when I didn't like how I looked any more. And this has happened.
Months ago I bought a dress, I was conviced I was going to start dressing again real soon... but I've never even tried it on. I'm of the 'allo-or-nothing' school. Not for me a pair of panties on hairy legs under male clothes. It's either the full monty with the shaving, make-up, etc - or nothing. Lately the choice has always been 'nothing'.
I just don't "get" the trannie thing any more. It puzzles me. And the people... don't get me started on the people...
All in all, I just don't "get" the whole trannie thing...
Intelligent comments only to sarahmorgan73@yahoo.com