Age 1: Well the parents will be expecting something good, so a sappy card and a pillow are good.
Age 2: By now they will be learning new words, but will be so retarded they can only say mama, dada, and other simple things. One of those 5 dollar, battery powered pianos will shut 'em up.
Age 3: Still just a baby, so coloring books and crayons are always safe.
Age 4: Almost going to start school, the poor little shits. I would feel sorry for them. A dollar action figure will cheer them right up.
Age 5: They are finally learning how to read and write. Get them hooked on phonics. If you listen to their commercials, that thing somehow makes reading fun. Let them have a good time!
Age 6: I think that this is where they start simple math. Collect around 5-10 dollars in change. It looks a lot more in change than in cash, and the child will have a blast counting it up.
Age 7: Lucky number seven. A board game will keep them busy for a while, since they are too young to know board games suck.
Age 8: By now they have developed a liking for the shittiest types of music. A CD or cassette with "funk" songs will destroy their parent's eardrums, but keep the kids happy.
Age 9: A poster. That is the best present. Whatever the kid likes. By now he or she would rather see Hot Wheels or Barbie on a poster, so no Pamela Anderson posters for now.
Ok, right here, girls and boys want different things, so B is for boys, G is for girls.
Age 10: Finally in double digits.
B: Spy kit, or something along those lines.
G: Cheap jewelry.
B: Money, that's all they want at this age.
G: At this point, all girls want is jewelry, so I will only post boy presents.
Age 12:
B: Some CD full of tracks of the shitty sounds they call music.
Age 13:
B: Playstation (or any other game system) games.
Age 14:
B: Food, since they will be fat from playing the video games you gave them.
Age 15:
B: Some weights because their fat smelly asses are annoying.
Age 16:
B: An air freshener for their car (if they can't drive then they don't deserve any present), because they will be smelly.
Age 17:
B: Gift card to a store they never visit.
Age 18:
B: Now we are finally at the age where you can get guys the same thing every year. I suggest ties and clothes. They can even be crappy clothes because whoever you give them to will want you to feel good. They will act like they are fond of the shirt so you won't get sad.
Anyway, those presents are what I'm giving everyone for their birthdays, and I hope you do too. Have fun shopping.
000,000,022 people wouldn't want to receive any of the presents I listed.
Back to how much I suck...
© 2003 by Fastman