What's the Story, Mornin' Glory?

Holy shit! Did you see that? That kid just got kidnapped!

Cellular
(2004)

     A woman, Jessica Martin (Kim Basinger) is kidnapped (womannapped? Napped?) one day after dropping her son off at school. Five men burst into her home, kill her housekeeper, and take her away to an attic in some house. The head kidnapper, Ethan (Jason Statham) smashes the phone in the attic, so that she can’t call anyone, but after some MacGyver-ing she manages to dial a slacker named Ryan (Chris Evans) from the phone pieces. After a lot of pleading and a pot shot at his moral fiber, he takes the phone to the police station. There, a small riot breaks out and Ryan is brushed aside. Jessica is told that they’re going to kidnap and kill her son if she doesn’t tell them where her husband is. Ryan gets to her son too late and they kidnap him. Now Ryan has to race to the LAX to save Jessica’s husband, which he’s also too late for. Will he be able to save Jessica and her family and what does the LAPD want from them?


You Learn Something New Everyday...

Science teachers wear fishnet to school.
You can carry on a conversation on the phone even if the phone isn't to your ear and the speaker phone isn't on.
Dirty cops are lousy shots.
You can break a window with your arm.

Zing!

"Dude, I dunno what happened. One minute I was talking to nipples and handing out flyers and next thing I know I'm in a whale costume." -Ryan's friend.

Survey SAYS...

     First I have to say that Kim Basinger is a gross old hag that overacts in any movie that she’s in. She looks like her face is made of wax. She’s such a terrible, terrible actress! Anyway, with that said, I can also say that Jason Statham is such a beefcake. What a cutiepie. He’s a good actor and always takes a crappy movie and makes it semi tolerable (Except Ghost of Mars Nothing could have saved that movie. Not even naked Jason Statham). Haha.

     In all actuality though, this movie wasn’t so bad! I actually enjoyed it. Kim Basinger managed to tone her acting down enough that I wasn’t thinking "God, I hate you" the whole time. Although, any of her screaming or crying scenes were just too much. Just like Cary Elwes in Saw. Ah, it’s funny because anyone who’s seen that movie, that’s the only scene they really remember, Cary Elwes’ terrible sob scene. Haha. But, anyway.

     So, this movie had some unanswered questions. Like, how was this guy who pulls a gun out in public multiple times, steals two different cars (the same one twice), causes multiple car accidents, and does many other totally illegal things, how is this guy not on the cops radar at all? What type of phone is this guy using that it will blink of low battery for 20 minutes? Why were the dirty cops killing people in the middle of the day where they could be seen? Why was every dirty cop there? How come no one asks why Mooney (William H. Macy) knows about Jessica being missing? How does a biology teacher know how to rig a broken phone? What kind of lawyers say “oh snap”? Why does a rich kid have to take the short bus? These are all very important questions that were never answered. Why are security guards so useless? Who knows, Cellular did not answer these questions for me.

     If you like...breaking traffic laws, incredibly rich science teachers, cell phone hijinks, nods to the wonders of technology, dirty cops, William H. Macy, hilarious slo-mo faces, cops who can’t shoot, car chases and sneaking guns into airports…This is the flick for you. As for us...we give Cellular

No Burt Reynolds! No Burt Reynolds! No Burt Reynolds!

That Wasn't so Bad Was It?



Entertained
I was left Feeling: Entertained