July 29, 2002
Today was awful!
We were almost out of food, and Natalie started eating the carpet, so I lured her to the forklift with a pound cake so we could get to the grocery store.
So we get there and Natalie gets out of control, running through every aisle and peeing her pants. Until finally she got to the gift card aisle and when she realized that there was no food there, she tried to turn around and got LODGED IN THE AISLE.
At first it seemed like she would never get out. But then the manager brought over some gravy. It was a perfectly good idea at the time but when Nat saw the gravy in the bucket she ate the manager AND the gravy. So we took more drastic measures. We brought over the left over chicken fat and knocked Natalie out with an elephant tranquilizer.
We rubbed the chicken fat all over Natalie and finally she got out. She paddled me when we got home because there was chicken fat in her crevices.
I almost got rid of that god forsaken paddle. I even tried hiding it once but I didn't realize that Nat has smeared some chocolate pudding on the back and sniffed out it's location.
Anyway I should go back to the grocery store and apologize before they ban us from there like they have from McDonalds and Subway. (I still can't believe Natalie threatened to eat Jared.)
Until Later,
Tay
July 20, 2002
Today was EXCELLENT!
We went to Walmart with Zac and Ike but since we couldn't all fit on the forklift I had to run along the side which was awful because everytime I started to slow down Natalie would slap my ass with her paddle. She carries it around everywhere now. She says it helps her think. It is the only thing she owns that she hasn't taken a bite out of yet. (Besides me)
Well, my dear younger brother Zac had to go shopping for his party. He has a barbeque every year, but last year Natalie ruined it, naturally seeing all of that food she got so excited that she peed all over Zac's guests and then ate all of the food AND the grill.
But this year Zac has a full proof plan: Build a cake as big as a house and stick Natalie in it. By the time she eats herself out the party will be over!
I suggested that we just give her another elephant tranquillizer but Ike objected, knowing that we only have 2 left and the guy who works at the zoo that supplies us is on vacation.
So here is Zac, buying 38 pounds of flour, 50 pounds of sugar, and 63 pounds of cocoa. I told him to buy more butter, because Nat loves a good pure butter frosting on her cakes, but he refused, reminding me that Nat would be in the middle of the cake anyway and frosting wouldn't matter.
Well, I must head over to the house. Zac's party has started and I don't want to miss anything. A night without Natalie should be as sweet as the cake she is trapped in!
Until later,
Tay
July 16, 2002
A few days ago Natalie let me go to fanfest with Ike! I was so excited and all day I was planning on talking to a bunch of fans. But when we got there... yes, you guessed it, Natalie tried to eat my fans!
Right before we left the house I told Ike to make sure he put the giant cage on the fork lift, but guess who decided to be Captain Forgetful; IKE!
So there we were, Natalie gnawing off hands of poor girls who only wanted an autograph from Ike and me, and we had no cage to keep her away! And on top of all of this, Natalie decided to make a baked bean cake before we left and ate it ALL.
So now not only was she trying to EAT what was left of our fans, but her ass was exploding off fumes of death that not even Neo from the Matrix could dodge.
Luckily, Ike spotted a concession stand not far off and grabbed a couple of pound cakes and an elephant tranquilizer to calm Nat down. It was a close call. Too close if you ask me.
Until Later,
Tay
July 3, 2002
Today Natalie had to be rushed to the hospital. It all started after lunch. We were walking into the living room, but when I heard Natalie grunting I turned around to see her stuck in the doorway.
It was terribly funny and I nearly peed in my pants but refrained from laughing to avoid being paddled. Well anyway, she refused to just go around outside and come through the front door and when she tried to force herself through she took off the ENTIRE DOOR FRAME.
She yelled at me to get the doorframe off of her shoulders but it wouldn't budge, so we hopped in the fork lift and went to the hospital.
The doctors managed to remove the frame with a hack saw after a couple hours and gave us a presciption of petrolium gelly. He says to grease the doorways every morning to avoid getting stuck.
So after we got done at the hospital we went to walmart and Natalie, being my thoughtful wife, decided to buy us matching troughs. One that says 'Natalie', and one that says 'Natalie's Husband'.
Well, I have to go grease down the doorways before Natalie wakes up from her nap.
Until later,
Tay
June 29, 2002
Finally, a good day!
Despite that I am in a lot of pain, Natalie has not had a withdrawl all day.
Well the day started out normal enough, we ate breakfast and then Natalie went to go take a shower, when I noticed that I couldn't move my leg.
So I look down, and the bone is sticking straight up out of my leg and I realized; NATALIE HAD SAT ON ME. After I began screaming, Natalie came downstairs from her shower to paddle me for making too much noise, but when she saw my leg, she freaked out.
She grabbed a couple bags of M&M's before we headed for the forklift to go to the hospital. Besides the fact that we had to stop at 4 burger joints for Natalie before we made it all 6 miles to the hospital, I got to the doctors just in time.
Immediately the doctor scolded me for not listening to him about if I wanted to live to see my 20th birthday I should always be on top during sex. It took me nearly 20 minutes to calm him down and explain that Natalie had not crushed me during sex... she'd simply misplaced her large ass again and since it obviously all won't fit in a chair, part of it landed on my leg.
Natalie feels bad, so she said that I could order KFC tonight instead of making dinner. (Even though she loves my mashed potatoes and gravy)
Until Later,
Tay
June 28, 2002
Today was yet another terrible day in the Natalie household. After lunch, Natalie's good friend Don Diego came over for brownies and tea.
Natalie ordered me to make more chocolate tea and when I came back, Natalie and Don Diego were in our bedroom!
She swears that nothing happened, but she was making the strange camel noises that she makes when I scratch her back, and I nearly had my eyes burned out of their sockets when I saw her naked ass crack.
Yeah sure... so we're married... you'd think that I might've seen Natalie naked. But just because I am married DOES NOT MEAN I AM CRAZY. I avoid seeing Natalie in the nude AT ALL COSTS. There was a time when she was getting out of the shower and she didn't have a towel... I was so scared for my well being that I jumped from a second story window to keep from seeing her beefy thunder thighs and her rolling hilled stomach.
It is tough to avoid things like that. And now the neighbors complain. Not only does one pair of Natalie's underwear take up the whole clothes line, and there is no room for my clothes, but the neighbors reported us to the police because we block the sun from the rest of the neighborhood.
I cannot help that Natalie poops in her pants and stains her normally white underpants, making the normal beautiful rays of sunlight, brown shit stains for the rest of the neighborhood.
I GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING!
Until later,
Tay
June 26, 2002
Well, it has happened... the thing that all of Tulsa has come to fear.
The Brownie Withdrawls
The day started out normal enough when the symptoms started after Natalie's usual breakfast of 12 english muffins, 14 buttermilk pancakes, 11 sausage links, 13 loaves of toast, 10 eggs, 7 waffles, 4 cups of orange juice and a baby, when i noticed that she had started to break out into hives.
At first I thought she'd just put too much butter on her pancakes and was getting another grease zit, but then her left leg began to twitch before she flipped backwards in her chair.
I put on my trusty helmet (a great wedding gift from a dear friend) to shield myself as Natalie whipped her fat around and began farting uncontrollably.
Well, I thought it was all over for me and nearly passed out when I regained my strength. I ran to the backyard and got the fork-lift. The doctors said that if I hadn't gotten to the hospital as fast as I did, Natalie would've eaten herself, which of course would've been fatal with a mouth her size.
Once again, I have saved my wife from certain demise. And what do I get as a thanks? PADDLED IN THE ASS AND ALMOST EATEN BY A KILLER COW.
Boy is marriage tough.
Until later,
Tay
June 23, 2002
I am sorry that I didn't write yesterday. Natalie and I had some problems with the fork lift we bought from Sears the other day. I don't know what happened. We were getting ready to go to the grocery store and all of a sudden I hear this racket in the backyard.
I ran to see what is was and nearly PEED MY PANTS to see Natalie STUCK IN THE FORK LIFT. It seems as though when the weigh limit is exceeded, the forklift just malfunctions and BREAKS DOWN!
When we tried to get our money back at Sears they said that living with a fat ass did not entitle us to the warranty... Natalie was devestated.
Thank God that mom brought over the brownies... or Nat would've started spitting randomly and convulsing again. Last time she started to convulse was before we got evicted from our old house.
I mean, I can understand why since Natalie pretty much destroyed the house. Who knew that if I didn't keep the refrigerator stocked that she would start EATING THE CEMENT OF THE FOUNDATION. That was a sad day. It really gave new meaning to the expression SHITTING BRICKS. On the other hand Natalie couldn't pass gas because of it, which was wonderous because being continuously blown out of my own house is NOT my idea of a good time.
Well, it is almost dinner time.
Until later,
Tay
June 21, 2002
Boy oh boy was last night TERRIBLE!
When Natalie brought the beans with us to the beach yesterday I had no idea what kind of problem came with it!
ALL NIGHT I WAS BEING BLOWN OUT OF BED. You know what they say is true? About the beans and the fruit and eating them and then... TOOT. Only Nat doesn't toot.
She rips these COLLOSAL FARTS THAT CAN BE HEARD FROM THE NEXT COUNTY. She made me re-paint the walls of our bedroom because the paint peeled.
Dear Jesus in heaven... what have I gotten myself into?!
Until later,
Tay
June 20, 2002
Today Natalie is bringing me to the beach! She won't let me swim or anything but still, she is letting me out of the house without a leash or anything! Only I think she might make me wipe down her back with SPF 500 like last time. Her back is about the size of if you will imagine a killer whale's, so it takes a good part of the after noon to do it.
Natalie started crying again today about McDonalds shutting down and when I laughed at her, she nearly was almost able to maneuver her fat self out of her chair to come at me with the paddle again.
Boy that paddle. Nat says she only uses it for my own good, but what good could possibly come from a paddle that says 'Taylor Nat & Nat Forever'? I still haven't decided why she crossed out my name!
Well, it's almost time to go to the beach, and I have to pack the picnic basket before we leave. Natalie likes to have sausages and baked beans over a fire when we go to the beach. Such a romantic she is. Maybe even this time she will let me eat a little.
Until later,
Tay
June 19, 2002
Today the Tulsa McDonalds shut down for good. They say it is because Natlie has eaten them out of business. She was so upset and I had to make a pound cake for her to cheer her up.
We went to the doctor today and he says that if I hope to live to see my 20th birthday I should always be on top during sex, otherwise I will be crushed. After we left the doctors we went to Sears and bought a Fork Lift so me and Natalie can go places further away from our house.
Mom called today and told me that she is sending brownies as fast as she can because she knows Natalie will start going through withdrawls again if she doesn't. The last time Natalie withdrew was TERRIBLE. She was spitting at random people and farting and her left leg would stop working at certain times during the day.
That is why we bought the fork lift. In case of emergencies where she can't move herself, no one will have to kill themselves trying to pick her up and relocate her, though the doctor already confirmed that anyone lifting that amount of weight would be near impossible.
Well, I should get going. I have to go make dinner for my fatty... my wife.
Until later,
Tay
June 18, 2002
Today Natalie let me go outside. It was nice, even if it was only for a couple of minutes.
Tomorrow I get to make Natalie a castle. She say I have to do it all by hand because she will be entertaining the construction workers.
I am excited for Monday because that is the day that Natalie does not make me rub her feet.
Well... I have to get going. Natalie likes dinner on the table by 5.
Until later,
Tay