Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Re-Organize...
Volume Three-- Issue One-- Fall 2002
"The fighting is so fierce because the stakes are so low..." --Henry Kissinger

F ayerweather L iberation A rmy

You don't have to think about it... Just join!

FLA Joins the Union!

Ministers Impressed By Opposition's "Manifest Incompetence"

The FLA Minister of Propaganda released the following statement to the press today: "Following our brave and unprecedent decision last year to demilitarize the armed wing of our resistance movement, we have taken the revolution to its logical conclusion. Today we are proud to announce the complete removal of our backbones, and our utter and abject surrender in the face of our oppressors. Workers of the world, wangmouthify!"

Sources report that another prominent FLA leader, Minister P, emerged from over a year of seclusion, blurry-eyed and hungry, yearning for a union card. "Please, I'm begging you," he was heard to plead. "I give up. I'll sign whatever you want! I've seen the error of my ways!" The minister wandered off in the direction of Butler Library, mumbling vaguely about the next meeting of the study carrel subcommittee.

In a hastily called press conference, the Minister of Propaganda answered questions about the Liberation Army's dramatic decision. "So check it. It's like this. We went to one of their meetings, right? Democracy in action, right? It was brilliant! The most shocking display of manifest incompetence I had ever seen. I was over-awed. I went right up to their leader, got on my knees and kissed her ring. I had never before realized the hot, steamy, raw appeal of flagrant ineffectuality..."

Proud of Our New Look!

This product is not endorsed by either Columbia University or the United Auto Workers. Any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Some assembly required. Void where prohibited. Apply only to affected area. Maybe too intense for some viewers.

Representatives of The Oppressed and Underpaid Graduate Historians (T.O.U.G.H.) were elated at this new development, and promptly released an updated version of their organization's logo (see above). One union spokesman had this to say: "We're glad they've finally joined our side. We always knew the FLA was nothing but a bunch of ass-talking wind-bags. What better home for them than the graduate student union?"

GSEU Strikes…Out!

Major Disarray Leads Attack!

Chants and Rants met with Latex Barrage.

Foreshadowing UAW style democratic actions on Campus, the secret cadre of the GSEU leadership has planned a strike in November of 2002. High-ranking members of the Fayerweather Liberation Army have commented that this strike, like the highly unsuccessful foot-shuffling, slogan shouting jamboree last spring will be met with counter-counter-counter-revolutionary methods. Major Disarray, the new head of FLA urban guerilla operations and mixology, issued a statement claiming responsibility for the Water Balloon attacks on the UAW strikers last spring, and vowed that “this November, it’s going to be a lot worse. I’ve got some really nasty shit cooked up for the cold weather.”

The UAW/GSEU’s decision to strike again (or to strike in the first place) served as a wake up call for the FLA ministers, who were busy doing their own research (how novel!), and led to an emergency of the FLA council of ministers. The Ministers met in a secluded both at a ‘Gentlemen’s Club’ downtown and decided that the FLA reaction to the first UAW strike was not severe enough. The Minister of Fraternization said, “Some people express themselves by voting with the ballot or with their feet—we prefer to hurl objects at our opponents. I would prefer to use my latex for other purposes, but soaking the UAW believers is a worthy cause.”

Disarray added: “We are not going away, and that we just don’t care anymore. The rules of civility are no longer in effect. We have nothing to lose. Our opinions aren’t wanted in the new Blue Button Oligarchy; it’s their union. Where the UAW agitators thought their organization the strongest, we will find the chink in their armor. Where they believed that their plans were well concealed, our agents will learn their secrets. We’ll use sex; we'll use drugs; we’ll use deceit; we’ll infiltrate; we’ll penetrate.”

“A UAW strike is annoying—for all parties on campus—but at this juncture what does this really accomplish? The University will not drop the appeal; The UAW will spin its collective wheels; and the only real result is that the undergraduates will get a day off. And anyone who has read any of the Culpa ratings for GSEU/UAW organizers as teachers—the one facet of their Columbia experience which they claim dominates all of their time—you’ll find that by and large, a day off for these undergraduates is as productive as a day in class.”

Top 10 reasons to join the UAW/GSEU
now that the election is over!

10. Come as your favorite historical organizer Unhappy Hours!
9.    All-access, backstage passes to Howard Zinn’s next speaking event!
8.    A cool blue button with each new membership!
7.    A set of 6 trading cards of all your favorite GSEU organizers in action poses!
6.    The secret handshake!
5.    The GSEU singles scene….it’s hot, hot, hot!
4.   The comfort of knowing that you’re not alone in being oppressed by The Man, or the Dean, or your department, or that hot dog vendor guy…and the list goes on!
3.    The Three-Minute Hates!
2. Democracy, baby! Oh, wait, all of the leadership positions have been taken…and the bargaining committee is already set….how’s this democracy?
1.    The “Boys of the GSEU” wall calendar!

FLA Seizes Butler Study Carrels

Drummer Killed in Bizarre Gardening Accident

Another glorious victory for the armed vanguard of the scholars' revolutionary proleteriat! Inspired by the immortal call of "Library carrels for one and all!" our crack-troops fought, kicked, and clawed their way towards liberating the priceless commodity of run-down, creepy, dark, dank, smelly, cramped, but Oh So Bootylicious library study carrel space.

Our reporters were on the scene to interview FLA troops fresh from the frenzy of triumph. Sergeant Fishclerk gave an eye-witness account: "It was really touch and go there for a while. I was really sweatin' it when that big guy with the beard stopped us and asked for our IDs. But you know, from there, we could pretty much take the elevator up most of the way. What a rush! Power to the people!"

The FLA's success in Operation Butler Eagle has troubled some members of the history department graduate body. One irate email sent to the student listserv wondered whether "anyone had been consulted in advance about the seizure of the carrels. Where is the accountability? Where is the transparency? Was there some kind of election about this? Is it true that 'Guy Who Storms Study Carrels' is a funded position? What's that about?!?"

The FLA Minister of War & Beer-Bonging responded to this email by pointing out: "That listserv is fully in the tyrannical grip of union toadies and administration stooges. I hear that Murphy guy is behind the whole thing. Maybe someone who knows the truth should speak up and out him for the whole world to see."

The History Department's GSAC representative was unavailable for comment.

GSEU Leadership Annnounces
"Goose-Steppin' to the Oldies" Program

At the coronation of new University Reichschancellor Bullwinkle, our noble comrades in the union stood in silent protest of... something. Their jeers and cat-calls accomplished... what, we dare not say. The spontaneous UAW fashion show, featuring strapping young historians in styrofoam rat-suits, was... nothing less than a flash-back to the glory-days of student strikes and proletarian seizures of Kent Hall in the early 1970s. Viagra for one and all!

During their block party at the coronation, union representatives, in between ignoring every request that they sit down so that, oh, the people behind them could see, made a number of startling announcements. First, they revealed their long-secret plans to begin unionizing Columbia University undergraduates. One spokesman noted, "It amazes me how oppressed those poor kids are. Shoved into those little dorm rooms with nothing to do but fornicate and intoxicate? It's horrifying. How much longer must they be forced to spend daddy's money like that?"

Further, the GSEU Chairman of the Plainchant and Marching Songs Sub-Committee made the following statement: "We are excited to announce the return of our old and immensely popular "Goose-Steppin' to the Oldies" program. It was a big hit back in the 1930s. With those uniforms...? Mmm... zesty!" He then led the assembled masses -- rat-masks and all -- in a stirring rendition of:

Links Lametta, rechts Lametta,
und der Bauch wird immer fetter!

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