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Frank at the Academy awards:
Frank: Uh raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing wa woo tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
Raquel Welch: And the winner is..
Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna. I cant help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of Dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats. freeing up that tuna, for our nations hungry.
Raquel: And the winner is..
Uh so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, take those cats, skin them! use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
Ed: Ted, can you show us those lab results you got back from the research institute?
Ted: We weren't able to get any clean fingerprints captain, but we did find footprints outside the institute. We made plastic casts out of them. Size 9.5 D. We're running a trace on them now. But even more interesting Frank, we also found this single dinosaur footprint. A major find from the paleolithic era.
Frank: Any thing else Ted?
Ted: Yes, about twenty feet down from that spot we discovered ancient timbers which we believe may be part of Noah's ark.
Frank: That's great Ted, but about the case..
Ted: I'll be departing tomorrow for Boston where I'll be delivering a major address to the American Archaeological society. And I'm booked on Geraldo next week.
Frank: You're going on Geraldo because of this?
Ted: No, my wife is a transexual satan worshiper. But meanwhile, we'll be continuing fingerprint analysis, fiber checks, DNA breakdown, hair samples, and using the microscopic dirt particles on this footprint. It's a mater of getting a geologic breakdown of this entire city.
Ed: We may not have that kind of time Ted.
Ted: Then maybe this will help. We found his wallet on the curb outside the institute. We haven't yet had a chance to examine it thoroughly, it just came down form the lab an hour ago.
As far as police work is concerned, every once in a while something comes up that nothing quite prepares your for. Somehow some demented madman, probably full of self hate, and a couple of months behind in his rent finally snaps.
Oh, congratulations, I understand that Edna's pregnant again.
And if I catch the guy who did it!
Hapsberg: Please to meet you Mister..
Frank: Drebin, Frank Drebin. I believe I've used some of your restrooms.
I've been dating too. Nice girl, she's an author. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.
"Frank the Homemaker"
Nordberg-I'd love a cupcake! And that coffee smells good! Frank-I grind my own beans! The Naked Gun 33 1/3 The Final Insult
(After an army tank has just crashed into a Chinese fireworks factory) Frank-Alright. Nothing to see here. Please disperse! Nothing...nothing to see here! Please! The Naked Gun
Frank trying to get an "Almost dead guy" to talk
Frank-Talk! TALK you sniveling worthless scum!
Hood-Gee, if that's your atitude forget it! The Naked Gun 2 1/2 The Smell of Fear
"The feeling is mutual."
Jane: How about a raincheck?
Frank: Let's just stick to dinner
Rocko Dillon: I've been watching you McGurke. You handle yourself really good.
Frank Drebin: Really well.
Rocko Dillon: Whatever.
Jane Spencer: Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been
back on a case, haven't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin: No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
Jane Spencer: In your wildest dreams.
Frank: What's with the old hag? Did she take one in the face?
Rocko: Hey, that's my mother!
[Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance of the Award Ceremony place]
Frank Drebin: Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Frank Drebin: Mr. De Niro, we got to get inside.
Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my
Frank Drebin: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.
Tanya: What are you doing?
Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
Tanya: Your bishop's exposed.
Frank Drebin: It's these pants.
Tanya: You're all man. I like that in my men.
Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me
like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
Tanya: You're Jewish?
Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called
"look but don't touch."
Tanya: I could have two lovers.
Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one
with as little dribbling as possible.
[Frank offers Tanya a cigarette]
Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
Tanya Peters: Yes, I know.
[Jane catches Frank kissing Tanya]
Jane Spencer: How could you!
Tanya Peters: Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.
Frank Drebin: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank Drebin: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank Drebin: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank Drebin: I just think about baseball.
Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer: Goodyear?
Frank Drebin: No, the worst.
Drebin: Just think, next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank Drebin: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Frank Drebin: When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in broad daylight, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare In The Park production of Julius Ceaser, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Frank Drebin: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Frank Drebin: Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane Spencer: I was young. I needed the work.
[Jane climbs a ladder.]
Frank Drebin: Saayyy, nice beaver.
Jane Spencer, producing a stuffed beaver: Thanks. I just had it stuffed.
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank Drebin: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! He really was innocent!
Ed Hocken: Frank, Kelner went to the chair two years ago.
Frank Drebin: Ahh, whats the point..
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank Drebin: And I'll tell you one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Jane Spencer: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank Drebin: So am I...
"Like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."
Doctor: Mrs Nordberg, I think we can save your husbands arm. Now where would you like it sent?
Wilma: Oh Frank, I'm so glad you came.
Frank: Wilma, it's good to see you. I came as soon as I heard.
Wilma: Oh thank you Frank.
Frank: You Bet.
Frank: Now, wheres Nordberg?
Ed: He's right here Frank.
Frank: Right. Nordberg, it's Me, Frank.
(Nordbergs bed goes haywire when Frank sits on it.)
Frank: Nordberg, it's me Frank, now who did this to you?
Nordberg: I love you.
Frank: I love you too Nordberg. Who were they?
Nordberg: No. Ship. Boat.
Frank: That's right Nordberg, a boat. Now when you're better we'll go sailing together, on a boat, we;ll take a cruise, just like last year.
Frank: Hey nurse, quick, get this man some drugs. Can't you see he's in pain? Quickly.
Nordberg: No..Heroin. Heroin Frank.
Frank: Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Wilma: Oh, oh my poor Nordberg. Oh he was such a good man Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: Ahh it's hard to tell.
Frank: Could be a roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover.
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself.
Frank: He was a good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: Well you're right Ed. A parachute not opening, that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a lamplighter, now thats the way I wanna go.
Wilma: Ahhhhh..Oh Frank, this is terrible.
Ed: Don't worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right Wilma, But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back on Police squad.
Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable, but I think that's only common sense.
Ed: Wilma can you think of any reason why Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?
Wilma: No..but I found this at home in a drawer.
Ed: A photograph. I love you, out of Caracas. A Panamanian ship. Frank, when Nordberg was saying I love you, he was telling you the name of the ship!
Frank: I realize that...now.
Ed: We'd better check this out.
Frank: I want every available man on this.
Ed: I can't spare anybody Frank. You know we're in charge of security for Queen Elizabeth's visit! I'm shorthanded already.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you, whatever scumbag did this, not one man on this force will rest for one minute until he's behind bars. Now lets go grab a bite to eat.
Frank:Thank you your honor. Protecting the safety of the Queen is a task that is gratefully accepted by Police Squad. For now matter how silly the idea of having a Queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Frank: I promised Nordberg we'd bake a raisin nut-bread together. --Mike
Frank: I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader! I mean a time, I was dating a lot.
Quinten Hapsberg: I didn't see your name on the guest list mr Drebbon.
Frank: That's all right, I sometimes go by my maiden name.
Jane: I'll shave your back, just like last time!
Oh Frank! It's horrible,horrible, my father died the same way. -Michael Burns
CAPTAIN - Can you tell us where it came from?
(blinds are closed and projector turned on)
TED - I'd be glad to. Billions of year ago the Earth was a molten mass. As it...
FRANK - (drinks out of beaker)
TED - Here let me take that urine specimen from you Frank.
FRANK - I wonder why Savage would be hanging out in a place like that?
ED - Sex Frank?
FRANK - Er... Not right now Ed - we got to do!
FRANK - A red van, Ed.
ED - So?
FRANK - Jane said she saw a red van the night of the bombing!
ED - Lets take him down
FRANK - Sorry we would have come earlier but your husband wasn't dead then.
FRANK - After being retired for sixth months I was finally back into action. Faster than you can say spread 'em - I was inside the cold grey walls of Statesville Prison. I was
surrounded by pimps racists and murderors. It was like being in the stand at a Los Angeles Radiers game.
BLACK INMATE - Take it from me this place here changes a man.
FRANK - Oh yeah, in what way?
BLACK INMATE - I used to be white! I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
ROCCO - Screw with me - he'll make you feel pain like you've never felt before.
FRANK - I know, I remember the Osmans.
HARTMAN - An escape plan... This is you ticket to another 20 years dillon - if the warden get one look at this.
FRANK - Hey, you call this slop - real slop has got chunks of things in it, this is more like gruel. And this chateau la blanc is supposed to be served slightly chilled this
is room temperature. What do you think we are - animals?
are you sure you wont have something to eat?
Jane: "I've heard police work is dangerous."
Frank: "It is. That's why I carry a big gun."
Jane: "Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?"
Frank: "I used to have that problem."
Jane: "What did you do about it?"
Frank: "I just think about baseball."
Ed Hocken : Do you wanna take a dinghy?
Frank Drebin : No, no. I took care of that at the press conference.
"Like a midget at a urinal...I was going to have to stay on my toes."
Assault with a concrete dildo?!?
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through."
(Frank shoots and explodes his own car rolling down a hill after he parks it.) Frank: Did anyone get the license number?! Anyone get a good look at the driver?! Take the names of everyone here for questioning. I gotta get...inside...
Frank: I've been swimming in raw sewage..I LOOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!
Frank: I've been dating alot too, an author, she wrote the book on male sexual disfunction, you've probably read it.
Jane: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.
Guy-I got a message from vincint ludwick
(says something while firing gun at drebbin)
Frank-I cant hear you , dont fire the gun while your talking - Andrew Beckett
"I've been... swimming in RAW Sewage. I love it..."
Frank- Dr Meinheimer... Or should I say Hacker!
Hacker- DREBIN!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Woman- Oh my God! Lokk what he's doing to that poor guy in the wheelchair.
Can somebody help?
Frank: I can tell you in 3 words: Quentin Hapsburg
woman in shop ' is this some kind of bust?
Frank Drebin ' yes, its very impressive - submitted by Ben Perrott'
Lady:Do you realize because of you this city is being over run by babbons?
Frank:Yes but isnt that the fault of the voters?
Frank: Is it just me, Ed, or has the whole world gone crazy?
It's not everyone Frank, it's just a small percentage of the population.
Trucker: I know when a woman says 'no' she really means 'yes.' So, how about
Trucker: What do you mean no?
On Frank's newspaper in the opening of 33 1/3: Dyslexia for cure found.
Frank: No Dutch Irish, my father was from whales
Drebin: Where were you when all this happened?
Sally: I was right here at my desk, working.
Drebin: And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?
Sally: Well, when I first heard the shot... and as I turned, Jim fell.
Lieutenant: He's the teller, Frank.
Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally: No, Jim Johnson.
Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Lieutenant: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally: He had the flu, so Jim filled in.
Drebin: Phil who? Lieutenant: Phil Din...he's the night watchman.
Drebin: Alright, now let me get this straight. Twice came in and shot the
teller, and Jim fell.
Sally: No, he only shot the teller Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Drebin: OK, then after he shot the teller you shot Twice.
Sally: No, I only shot once.
Lieutenant: Twice is the holdup man.
Sally: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Drebin: Oh so now you're changing your story?
Sally: I shot Twice after Jim fell.
Drebin: You shot Twice AND Jim Fell?
Sally: No, Jim fell first, and then I shot Twice once. Drebin:
Who fired twice?
Lieutenant: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Drebin: OK...now, Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice.
Then Twice shot the teller once.
Drebin: And Jim fell, and then you fired twice.
Drebin: OK... alright, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.
Lieutenant: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
Sally: Oh, of course.
Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
Sally: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it, he hasn't been in for weeks!
Drebin: (pause) ...well.... Thank you again, Miss Decker.
(In the Sperm Clinic)
DOC: So when did you find out about your problem?
FRANK: In the back yard with my UncleDOC: In the back yard....with your
FRANK: When he come over we go out throw it around for a while
DOC: And what did you and your uncle find out
FRANK: Oh, I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt especially on the long ones, I
can't seem to streighten it out, It's...It's kinda numbDOC: In here please
FRANK: er, for what?DOC: A sperm countFRANK: In here?
DOC: Well it's not exactlly the back yard but it'll do
Drebin: Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the
middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the B@st@rds that's
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you
moron. You killed five actors: Good Ones.
frank-(drinking from a beaker
ted-here let me take that urine specimen from you frank
Ed:"Oh my God! Look what they did to Meinheimer!!"
(After he sees Meinheimer covered in stuff from the shelves)
doctor: Mrs. Nordberg I think we can save your husbunds
arm. Now where would you like it sent?
AT ACADEMY AWARDS (WHEN ROCCO TAKES JANE UP TO BALCONY AND ASKS FOR ANY LAST
JANE: FRANK, I LOVE YOU! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN YOU AWAY FROM YOUR POLICE
WORK, I KNOW NOW THAT'S WHY YOU COULDN'T PERFORM DECENT SEX WITH ME!!"
Frank- Don't Worry ED This Is Not Goodbye, Its Just I Won't Ever See You
RADIO PRODUCER: YOURE LISTENING TO KSAD ALL DEPRESSING ALL THE TIME...
NOW HEARS A MESSAGE TO FRANK FROM JANE AND IT READS...
"FRANK YOU LYING WEASEL WEENIE ITS BAD ENOUGH YOUR SHOOTING BLANKS BUT NOW YOUR
LEAVING THE DOOR WIDE OPEN LETTIN ALL THE HEAT OUT."
from Naked Gun 2 1/2
Jane 'Play it again Sam, play our song'
Sam 'Ok.....Ding Dong the witch is dead, which old witch?...'
Jane and Frank ' No Sam the other song'
Ed: Frank, you might end up dead.
Frank: You might end up dead is my middle name.
Ed: What about Jane?
Frank: I dont know her middlename.
ED: Here nordberg, put this together. (hands him a puzzle)
Ed: here nordberg, its for you (picks up the phone and hands it to him)
Nordberg:Hello? Hello.. (Hands the phone to another officer) Hey get this phone fixed.
Frank - Having your nut's bitten off by a laplander, thats the way I wan't to go!
Hector Savage. from detroit. yea, i remember this pug. ex-boxer. his real name was joey chicago.
Ed: oh yeah. he fought under the name of kid minneapolis.
Nordberg: hey, i saw kid minneapolis fight once. in cincinnati.
Frank: no, you're thinking of kid new york. he fought out of philly.
Ed: he was killed in the ring in houston. by tex colorado. you know, the arizona assassin.
Nordberg: yea, from dakota. i don't remember if it was north or south.
Frank: north. south dakota was his brother. from west virginia.
Ed: you sure know your boxing.
Frank: well, all i know is never bet on the white guy.
Thanks to Frank McCozie for this great quote!
(After Frank consumes evidence of escape plan)
Rocko:Thanks to you, we still have the plan. Where is it?
Rocko:It's a good plan.
Frank:I've had better.
"Do you realize because of you this city is being overrun by babbons??"
Frank:"Yes, but isnt that the fault of the voters??" - Richie Hudak
FRANK: Hey, thats a honey of an ankle braclet you got there
JANE: (tuts) Oh did it slip down there again?!
"You take a chance when you get up in the morning, cross the street, or
stick your face in a fan..." --Frank Drebin
I like my sex the way I play my basketball, one on one and with as little dribbling as possible. - Frank Drebin
Lee(at least I think that's his name)You wouldn't want anything to happen to your little key store would you?
Frank: what about my little keester?
Lee: Little KEY STORE.
(Jane is yet again leaving Frank) Jane:It's bad enough you don't want to have a baby, but I told you what would happen if you went back to Police Squad, you...you white Anglo male!
Frank: They're going to blow this place sky high...it'll be a disaster...unless it happens during a dance number.
Ed:I'm Captain Ed Hocken and this is Officer Nordberg. We're here to prevent a disaster.
Guy in booth: You're too late for that.
Mrs Dillon: Hows my boy doin?
Rocko: about as well as a hetrosexual can in prison...I can't take much more
of this,I gotta get out of here. Hows Tanya?
Mrs Dillon: About the same. Milky, creamy skin, firm buttocks, ample
breasts, ears you'd just love to stick your tongue into
Rocko: I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up
(Dentist office mayhem)
Dentist: My God, you're an animal!
Frank(barely understandable through the stuff in his mouth) I AM NOT AN
ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING!
Frank: what are we?
ConvictL: homo sapiens?
Frank: Right! WE ARE MEN!
Frank sees Jane again after the blast)
Frank: it was like a dream, but there she was. That delicately beautiful
face, a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room and
breasts that seemed to say 'hey, look at these!'. She was the kind of woman
that made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man. She
reminded me of my mother all right.
Ed: Frank, snap out of it. You're looking at her like she was your mother
for God's sake!
(Frank questions Jill)
Frank: Jill, we can't let these vermin infest our cities or we'll have a
rotten, scumsucking cesspool
Cop: Frank, please, I'm trying to eat this tunafish sandwich
Frank: a rat infested, worm ridden festering boil
Another cop: Frank, cut it out will you? I'm talking to my mother!
Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, then come
out with your hands up. Or come out then throw down your guns, just remember
the two main elements: One, guns to be thrown down, two, come on out.
Cashier: why should I tell you coppah?
Frank: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleeze like you and the
decent people of this town
Guy: Oh, hi Frank. We got that model 283 Sure Grip Swedish Suck Machine you
Frank: its a gift.
President: I want you to fill a special post I'm going to create that may
mean long hours, dangerous nights and being surrounded by some of the scummi
est elements of our society.
Frank: You want me to be in your cabinet?
Frank: Can you describe him?
Jane: he was a caucasion
Frank: A caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. He had a mustache, about 6'4''
Frank: that's a pretty big mustache...
Frank: the questions in this case kept coming up like bubbles in a case of
Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
Frank:(looking at her) very hot and awfully wet..
Frank:that shirt looks familiar
Jane: it's yours. I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled..at least not yet
Rocko: What's your prison number
Frank: it's unlisted
(Frank's retirement party)
Frank: Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs...souvenier
Ted: This is what I'm talking about. We detected a high quantity of a fine
Frank: tastes like...
Ted: that would be fertliizer, Frank. It's for another case.
Ed: we heard about Jane. If there's anything we can get you
Nordberg: Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number!
Ed(handing Nordberg jigsaw puzzle) Here. Put it together
Frank: before you blow this place sky high, can I pull the underwear out of
my crack? a guys gotta go out comfortable.
Rocko: (fires gun in the air) Freeze and nobody gets hurt(guy falls from
rafters) Well, from now on!
Jane: this is such a violent world we live in
Frank: I know but if it wasn't, I'd be out of a job and back on the circut riding motocross...
Frank: Solitaire is a lonely man's game Hapsburg
Hapsburg: Lieutenant, I don't recall seeing your name on the guestlist
Frank: Nothing to be embarrased about, I sometimes go by my maiden name...Nice party, I see a lot of familiar facelifts.
Hapsburg: do you gamble, lieutenant?
Frank: every time I order out
Hapsburg: Que sera, sera...You do speak French don't you?
Frank: No. Unfortuately, I do kiss that way
Frank(to Jane): You were always trying to save the endzone layer
Jane: OZONE layer
Frank(about the girls he's dating) ...I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year olds, girls who can't get enough, sex,sex, sex, sex..It's your turn to wear the handcuffs they say(Ed is foaming at the mouth)
Jane: I had a wonderful evening. I can't believe we just met yesterday.
Frank: you really mean it? I mean, you're not just saying it becuse we exchanged bodily fluids?
Frank: We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead yet
Frank: I think we can handle this responsibly, just like the mature adults we are, cant we Mr. POOPY PANTS?!
(Jane is leaving Frank)
Frank:I guess you know how my lips feel about things!
Jane: You're not still obsessed with our relationship are you?
Frank: No, No...It's ancient history, like the Democratic party
Frank: I want a world where I can go into a 7-11 without an interperter!
Frank: I told Jane to meet us at the hotel's rear entrance
Ed: where's that?
Frank: in the back.
Frank: love is like the ozone layer. You never miss it until it's gone
Frank: I want a world where the Democrats will put somebody up here worth voitng for!
Frank: You're part of a dying breed Hapsburg. Like people who can name all 50 states
Frank: the truth hurts, doesn't it? maybe not as much as jumping onto a bicycle with the seat off, but it hurts.
Dutch: Who are you and how did you get here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith
Jane: you are so insensitive
Frank: This isn't that toilet seat thing again is it?
Frank: I want answers Cherrycakes.
Tanya: I love you
Frank: Wrong answer. I dropped out of the sap of the month club a long time ago. Now you've got one more chance Angel Drawers-and not one of those major league baseball Steve Howe kind of last chances either.
Ed: Sergeant, take 'er away and book 'er
Frank: Sergeant Takeraway, Sergeant Booker...
Ed: How did you know that Sally was responsible?
Frank: oh, just a little hunch back at the office
Ed: I brought that little hunchback down here. Charlie?
Here is that long quote I mentioned and a few others.
Mrs. Twice: Do you have any idea what it's like being married to a big
wonderful man for 14 years?
Frank: no, can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once though that was
just for a a couple of years. The usual slurs, innuendos, people didn't
understand. I ran him out of town like a common pygmy.
Ed:(to Mrs. Twice) did he have any enimies?
Mrs. Twice: well, the democrats didn't like him
Mrs. Twice: Poor Ralph. And my daughter...what am I gonna tell her?
Frank: what about this: a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven.
Ed: what about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved an entire
Frank: No, he was kidnapped by left wing insurgents from Paraguay, no
Ed: I got it..he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson
Frank: It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier. I had only a few
seconds to admire the view. I had to watch out. If she made me for a cop,
I'd be tonights meatloaf
Tanya: come here, sexy
Frank: you're all woman. I can tell by lookin' at you
Rocko: she was referring to me
Frank: I was talking about your mother
Tanya: hey, look at this. She's married. What if her husband comes looking
Frank: he probably will. He must be a great guy
Jane: he breaks promises
Frank: well, look at you trapsing all over the countryside just to spite a
big wonderful guy
Jane: he left me
Frank: more like you left him
Jane: you should talk
Frank: well, listen to you
Jane: listen to you
Frank: listen to you
Jane: LISTEN TO YOU!
Frank: LISTEN TO YOU!
Rocko: Geez, you two knock it off. You'd think you were married or
Frank: Rocko could see from my little escapade in the shower that I was well
More 'Frank the Homemaker'
Frank...here you go...some of 'Frank's Never Fail Fudge'!
Mrs. Dillon: I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him
Frank: I get that all the time. It's the underwear
(Rocko is about to pull the bomb)
Ed: Well, if I'm goin' out I'm goin out happy!(grabs woman and kisses her)
Dutch: Who are you and how did you get here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith
Jane: you are so insensitive
Frank: This isn't that toilet seat thing again is it?
Frank:I want answers Cherrycakes.
Tanya: I love you
Frank: Wrong answer. I dropped out of the sap of the month club a long
time ago. Now you've got one more chance Angel Drawers-and not one of those
major league baseball Steve Howe kind of last chances either.
Frank(to boxer playing saxophone) sorry, no sax before a fight.
Frank:(about investigating a case)It's like having sex. It's a long, arduous
task that seems to take for ever and just when you think you're getting
somewhere, something happens.
"It's all right, Stephanie - Normally you would not be going sixty-five the wrong way down a one-way street." - The Driving Instructor
"Check it out for yourself, Frank."
"(Looks into microscope) I can't see anything."
"Use your open eye, Frank." - Ted Olsen, Frank Drebin, and Ed Hocken
"(Opens a drawer) Bingo! (Pulls out a bingo card)" - Frank Drebin
"Of course, may I remind you that my fee is twenty million dollars."
"Oh, money is of no difficulty-"
"(Surprised) Mm?" - Vincent Ludwig and Paphsmir
"Wong Foo's? I thought they closed down three years ago!"
"Really? Well, I don't feel like Chinese tonight... (Snifs and faints)" - Jane Spencer and Frank Drebin
"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'd like to introduce a very special American. This week, he's celebrating his one thousandth drug dealer killed." (Aplause)
"Thank you, thank you. But, in all honesty, the last two I backed over with my car. But lucky they turned out to be drug dealers." - Police Commisioner Brumford and Frank Drebin
Nordberg: I got the sandwiches
Ed(to Eddie Casales) All right, you went to the movies. What did you
Eddie: I don't remember
Nordberg: who had the egg salad?
Ed: 'I don't remember'
Nordberg: Well, somebody ordered it
Frank: you can't expect us to buy that
Nordberg: I already paid for it
Eddie: why cant you give a guy a break?
Nordberg: thanks a lot
Eddie: whats the charge?
Ed: what are you trying to do insult us?
Nordberg: okay $3.50, coffees on me
Eddie: I told you, I went to the movies and I fell asleep. I don't
Frank: you don't expect us to swallow taht
Nordberg: All right, Ill eat it. But I don't think it's fair I should
have to pay for it!
Frank: When I got home, I got a call from Mimi Dujour. She said she
wanted to talk to me at the club right away. Since I didn't know where
the club rightaway was, I suggested the club flamingo. She agreed.
Frank: We sure picked a good day...this fog will keep us concealed
right over to Hapsburgs warehouse.
Ed: Frank, thats not fog. The #2 engines on fire. They're trying to put
Frank: I think Ludwig's involved in this right up to his pretty
important shirt collar!
Frank: I had a case similar to this. The kidnappers cut off the victims
ear and sent it to the family.
Mrs. Burton: Ahhhhh!
Ed: so you see, that's why you've got to let the police handle it
Frank: not the whole ear of couse just a piece of it
Mrs. Burton: Ahhhh!
Ed: and when this whole thing blows over we'll return Terry's ear if
she's still alive.
Mrs. Burton: Ahhhh!
Frank: she's taking it pretty hard
Ed: we'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything at all,
just ask him.
Ed: Nordberg, I want you to nose around
Frank: and take a look out for the ear
Nordberg: dont your worry Mrs. Burton. If Terri's ear comes Ill handle
Mr. Burton: I've got to know, where is she? where is she?
Ed: bless you
Mr. Burton: My daughter is a needle in a haystack.
Frank: No she's not, I saw a picture of her. She's quite attractive
Ed: maybe a little thin
Lana: Her real name is Mimi Coffee
Lana: no thank you
Eddie: piece of cake lieutenant
Frank: no thank you I just ate
Ed: I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding a million dollars.
Frank: why would the lab demand a million dollars?
Ed: the kidnappers made the demand Frank
Frank: when Eddies criminal record became known, they were run out of
town like common pygmies.
Jane: you're late
Frank: That depends on what I'm late for
Mr. Burton: what do I do
Frank: you're in the textile business
Frank: she's in this right up to her pretty little head
Ed: that means she's in this right up to her pretty little ears
Ed: We've been through hundreds of these. Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas R Us, International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tubaligation...
Frank: I got a lotta green
Guy: you got Lorne Greene?
Martin: I'd trade him(Briggs)for Lorne Green
Frank: No, What I meant was I got cash
Guy: you manage Johnny Cash too
Martin: who are you
Frank: Kelly. Bob Kelly. Mind if I sit in a few hands?
Martin: your moneys good here
Guy: you got the blimp too?
Martin:how about these(in the stakes pool)(holds up
Frank: no dice, Martin
Rocko: stupid copper punk. I treated him like my brother...The one I didn't kill..
Frank: Find anything?
Ed: No, I've combed through hundreds of these and come up empty. Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas R Us, International house of Tubas, Tuba or not Tuba, Tuba-Ligation
Mrs. Dillon after the blast: heh heh heh hehheh cool. heh heh heh hehheh cool. heh heh heh hehheh cool.
Frank: Does he(Meinheimer) have any identifying marks,a mark a scar a tattoo webbed toes a third nostril?
Jane: well he has a birthmark in the shape of Whistlers Mother on his right buttock.
Frank: uh, well...
Frank at the Sperm Bank:
Sperm Bank Attendant: when did you first notice the problem.
Frank: When i was in the back yard with my uncle.
Sperm Bank Attendant: In the back yard with your uncle?
Frank: Uh yes, when he a comes over to visit, we like to go out
back and throw it around for a while.
Sperm Bank Attendant: And what did you and your uncle find out?
Frank: Oh I can't keep up with him. My arm hurt, especially on
the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no
feeling, it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much maybe.
Sperm Bank Attendant: If you would. (Gives Frank a container for
Frank: ah, for what?
Sperm Bank Attendant: a sperm count.
Frank: in here?
Sperm Bank Attendant: Well it's not exactly the backyard but it
Papsmheer: my people are very upset
Rockos mother: They're always upset, they're arab terrorists
Frank: Well, we shot a lot of people together. It's been great.
But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now it will have to
be in the confines of my own home. Hopefully it will be an
intruder and not an inlaw like at my
Frank and Jane in Therapy:
Therapist: Which one of you is impotent?
Jane: That would be him.
Therapist: Ah yes. Of course.
Frank: Why don't you ask who's frigid?
Jane: That would be him also.
Frank: How would you know, you're never home.
Jane: Frank resents the fact that I'm a working woman. In fact,
he has no idea what a woman wants or needs. You're so insensitive.
Frank: This isn't that toilet seat thing again is it?
Jane: Babies frank, I want to have a baby. And every time we
start to make love you have a headache.
Frank: I'm not a piece of meat Jane. I'm trying. I've got
creams, books, things that vibrate.
Frank: Maybe it's your fault!
Therapist: Have you tried sexy lengiere, some lacy underwear, a
Frank: I've tried wearing them all, they don't work.
Jane: Frank, why don't you want to have a child?
Frank: Didn't I try to adopt that 18 year old korean girl?
Therapist: Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest. Make tonigh a
special night, dinner, wine romantic music. Put on the 24 hour
johnny mathis station. Just be Jane and Frank, lovers.
Jane: We haven't had a night like that in a long time.
Frank: Not together.
Frank: Jane, having a baby is a big responsibility. It's like
being in charge of sanitation at a hatian jail. I'm just
Jane: Frank, let's make tonight something special. Oh honey, Its
just that I love you so much.
Frank: My little lover sparrow.
Jane: My Puppy wuppy wover.
Frank: My little love biscuit.
Jane: My little shnooky wookums.
Frank: My little lady teasy puppy.
Therapist: Mister and mrs drebin, please, I'm a diabetic. You
On Soap Opera on TV
Man in hospital bed: I never thought we'd end this way.
Woman: How did you think we'd end?
Man in hospital bed: I don know..Some other way.
Frank: Just remember Hapsburg, you so much as sneeze and I'm gonna be
right there to wipe your nose!
Frank: This isn't easy for me to say. I'm lonely, I'm lost, I need someone
to hold, someone to love!
Jane: Frank? Over here!
(Frank sees he's sitting at a table with a tough looking man drinking a
Frank: I had 24 acres of Brazillian rainforrest slashed and burned so that
we bould build our dream home!
Jane: Frank! How could you be so insensitive?!
Frank: Insensitive?! Do you know think it's easy trying to displace an entire tribe? You try it sometime!
Quentin Hapsburg: Now I want the pleasure of killing you myself!
Frank: The pleasure is all mine!!!
(Stealing the Oscar away from Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones)
Frank: Sorry about this. Loved you in Coneheads!
Nordberg: Sure was one hell of an explosion!
Frank: Any more victims?
Ed: Uh, you're standing on one right now Frank.
Frank: It looks like the cows have come home to roost!
Jane: That's quite a tempting offer luietenant, but I'm afraid I'll need to get my rest this evening. Tomorrow being Arbor Day and all...
From the tv show: Man: Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith.
Guard: Lights out McGurk!!
(fan at baseball game): "kick him in the balls!"
Frank Drebin: "This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad, throw down you guns and come on out with your hands up. Or, come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you want to do it. Just remember the two key elements here, 1, guns to be thrown down, 2, come on out."
Captain Annabell Brumford: "I would like now to introduce a most distinguished American. This week he is being honored for his 1000th drug dealer killed. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Luitenant Frank Drebin of Police Squad."
Frank Drebin: "Uh,In,In all honesty, the last two I backed over with my car..... Luckely, they turned out to be drug dealers."
Jane Jane..The name will always remind me of her..
Frank having dinner with Jane
Frank - I've been hurt before. Oh how I loved her, I’ve known her for years. But she had her music; I think she had her music. She hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument, or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days out of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for Christmas; she asked me what it was.
Same old story, boy finds girl, boy loses girl. Girl finds boy, boy forgets girl. Boy remembers girl……girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange bowl on New Years Day.
Jane- Good Year
Frank- The worst
Jane- O Funny face