We will go on beyond goodbye

Josh Groban 

Written by John Williams
duet with Lara Fabian

Heaven: Always and Forever

Chapters:                                                      

1     2    3    4

5    6     7     8

 9    10    11     12

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*1*

Across the room AJ kept a close eye on Cris. She was currently talking to some guy, a business partner of her father’s if he remembered correctly. He didn’t want to be here. But he knew how much this meant to her. Still he would much rather be home alone with her right now. He imagined they would curl up together on the couch and fall asleep or talk and listen to music just as they did that first night they met.

She laughed and placed a hand over her chest. The action brought attention to the amount of cleavage she chose to show. And tonight it was a lot. Her eyes moved to his and she smiled slowly. She had said earlier the green dress was for him and he had to remind himself of that. Suddenly he saw her gasp and almost fall to the ground before that guy caught her arm.

He rushed over to her and helped her into a chair. “Cris, are you alright?”

“I’m fine Alex.” She laughed.

He eyed her carefully. They’d promised not to lie to each other anymore.

She turned serious. “Really. It just took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting the movement.”

“Are you sure?” He knelt down beside her. He wasn’t looking at her face for the truth anymore. He watched her hands move slowly.

“I’m sure.” She said definitely. “Here. Feel.” She took his hand and placed it over her swollen abdomen. “There. Can you feel it? I was talking about you. It knew. It’s Daddy.”

      “She knew. Adrienne.”

      “Adrienne? Just yesterday it was Maria.”

      “I thought of it a minute ago.”

      “And? Is the other one still Michael?”

      “Michael and Adrienne? Adrian and Adrienne sounds better.”

      Cris frowned. “We’ll have to see. I like Adrian.” 

      “Adriana?” Cris shook her head. “What else goes with Adrian?”

      “Just because they’re twins doesn’t mean they have to have similar names. I’m sure they’ll thank us for it later.”

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:*2*

Cris sighed. Twins, she would have never thought. Alex wanted kids and that’s just what he got. Even God couldn’t deny him anything. Just the thought of being responsible for not one but two lives was almost more than she handle. Thank God she had Alex. She reached out and grabbed his hand. She needed him more than anything. If it were not for him she had no clue what she would do. Her eyes filled up and she couldn’t stop it. She knew she worried AJ with crying but she couldn’t help it.

      “Cris, honey?”

      “Hormones.” She explained. “Everything is fine now, really.”

      She heaved herself up out of the chair. She was fat and she hated it. The babies were taking over her whole body. She was almost ready for them to come out so that she could be herself again. AJ leaned over and kissed her.

      “You look great.” He whispered. He always knew what she was thinking.

      “Oh my god! What happened?” Cris’ mother came rushing in with full dramatics on. “Someone said Cristian fell.”

      Cris rolled her eyes as she and AJ shared a look. “I didn’t fall, Mother. Danny got me in time.”

      “Well I always said Daniel here was reliable, didn’t I?”

      “Mother.” Cris warned. She reached out for AJ and his arm immediately came around her. Just knowing that he was there protected her from her mother a little more. She didn’t know when she’d been so dependent on him. She tried to stop and think.

      “She just gave us a scare but she’s fine now Mrs. Dane, right baby?” AJ answered.

      Cris nodded. She wasn’t sure if the ‘baby’ was her or the ones growing inside of her but she answered anyway. “I’m fine. I’m kind of thirsty though, hon if you don’t mind getting me some water.”

      “With lime?” He asked.

      Cris nodded. Since the pregnancy that was how she liked it. He was learning quick.

      “Sit down over here while I go to the kitchen.”

      “We just told her I was fine.”

      “I know but it would make me feel better.”

      “You’re only going to the kitchen besides it would be too much trouble to have to get back up. I’d rather stand.”

      “Cris, the doctor said for you not to be on your feet a lot.”

      “It’s only for a few minutes.”

      “I’m keeping the babies in mind. We don’t need you doing anything stressful.”

      “Standing is stressful?” She asked but sat nonetheless. He was always keeping the babies in mind. Sometimes she felt like she was being put into second place.

      “It's stressful to me. I have you to worry about. Thank you.” He kissed her on the forehead then went to fetch her water.

      Cris sighed. What was that, twice in five minutes? The sigh came out more as a yawn. If she did admit it she was somewhat tired. She placed a hand on her belly as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. This was supposed to have been her vacation break from work. The holiday season was always the busiest for advertising. Fortunately for Cris, she was the hottest new thing in the business. Her new business was booming now. So much so that she had to take on extra partners. It was a hard decision to make but the firm still remained under the name McLean and that was what was important to her.

      “Aunt Cris?” Cris opened her eyes to find Amelia standing before her.

      “Hey Mellie. Are you enjoying Grandmother’s party?”

      “Yes.” The little child nodded. She carried her mother’s true blonde hair and blue-eyed look. Cris wondered what their children would look like and which ones would have her eyes or his talent. “Aunt Cris, you are okay aren’t you?”

      Cris reached out and tried to smooth away the frown from the young’s girl face. “Yes, sweetie, I’m fine.”

      Amelia turned back to her grandmother across the room. “See Grandmother Dane, I told you.”

      Cris cringed. ‘Grandmother Dane’ sounded so proper. But that was the way Amelia was raised. Denise already said she was going to be called Granma. Cris could see now which grandparent she would have babysitting most often. She’d lost some of her anger towards her mother but she still wanted her children around as less as possible.

      “How did you know I was okay?” Cris asked her.

      “Because Mommy said that as long as the two of you had each other you were going to be okay. Uncle Alex is always here. He won’t let you go, she said.”

      “I’m glad he won’t.” Cris looked up to find AJ looking at her. Their eyes connected. “I need him here with me. Always.” She whispered.

      “See always and forever. That’s what I told Mommy.” Amelia shook Cris’ arm. “Can I see it?”

      Cris held her left hand out. She knew exactly what the child was talking about. She spread her fingers wide. There around the third finger in small bold script ‘ALWAYS, FOREVER’ permanently tattooed in dark ink. It normally would have been covered with her wedding band but her fingers had become too swollen to wear it.

      When she looked up again AJ was by her side holding out the glass of water with the lime floating inside. She took the glass from him.

      “Now you.” Amelia grabbed AJ’s hand.

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*3*

He removed his band carefully and showed her in the same manner Cris had.

      “Tell me why again.” Amelia asked. “Please?”

      AJ sat beside Cris and pulled Amelia into his lap. “Mellie, how old are you now?”

      “Five!” She yelled excitedly.

      “Well, two years ago when you were just three years old your aunt and I disagreed on some things and we said that we didn’t want to be around each other anymore.”

      Cris played with the hair at his nape as she leaned in to listen.

      “But you didn’t mean it?”

      “No we didn’t because we love each other very much and we realized the mistake that we’d made.” He looked to Cris and smiled.

      “Was it hard? Did you miss her?” Amelia asked.

      “Yes, I did. And she missed me too. Four months is a long time to be without someone you love.”

      “When Mommy goes to work I miss her.”

      “See, I knew you’d understand. So when Aunt Cris and I got back together we decided that we didn’t like being apart and we wanted something that represented how we felt. This lets us know and reminds us that we’ll love each other for always and forever and that we should always be together.”

      “Forever,” Amelia finished for him. “And ever and ever and ever.”

      “Yes, forever and ever.” Amelia stopped playing with his finger so he put his ring back on.

      AJ looked down to find that Cris had dozed off in that short time on his shoulder. He brushed a stray curl from her face. He kissed her softly. “Hey, baby. I think you might be tired. Want to go back to the hotel?"

"Yeah, I think I just need to rest.”

      “Sure. Let me tell your parents and we’ll go.” He picked Amelia up and carried her over his shoulders. “Come on, shortcake.”

      “I am not a shortcake.”

      “You’re not? I’m sorry. I thought you were short and sweet like cake. Aren’t you sweet? Or are you sour?”

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*4*

Cris watched them go. Jessica took up AJ’s spot. “He’s going to be great with the kids. Just look at him with Mellie.”

      “I’m scared Jess.” Cris blurted out.

      Jessica looked at her. Cris was always the stronger older sister. For some reason it seemed impossible that Cristian Dane should be afraid of anything.

“Of what?” She asked.

      “Losing Alex.”

      “Sweetheart you’re never going to lose him. Didn’t you just hear that story he told? The one he’s always telling? He is always going to be there for you. Don’t ever doubt that. If you do look at your finger and there’s all the proof you need. Always and forever, Cris. He meant it. Men like him don’t back down.”

      “Jess,” Cris looked at her younger sister and started to cry. She wanted very badly to blame it on the hormones again but something told her it was some of her own fear creeping in. “Jess, don’t tell Alex. Something is wrong. I can feel it. Something with the pregnancy. I can’t tell him. He won’t believe it. He’ll think I don’t want the babies. But there is something wrong. I know it. I think he’ll blame me anyway. And then he’ll leave me. He gave me another chance last time after I screwed up. He won’t forgive me again.”

      “What do you think is wrong?”

      “I don’t know. I just get this feeling that something is not right.”

      “This is your first pregnancy. Are you sure?”

      Cris nodded. “And I get these pains. In my side. Sharp pains.”

      “Cris, this is serious. Have you told anyone?”

      “No, they just started today. But I just want him to be happy. He’s been so happy. He can’t wait for them. He’s already the proudest father ever. He even bought those stupid cigars yesterday. Jess I'm not due til another couple of months.”

      “Cris, you need to tell him. You can’t keep something like this hidden.”

      Cris hurried to wipe away her tears as she saw AJ coming back. “Shh, Jess don’t tell. Please.”

      “I won’t but you have to promise to see a doctor. Tomorrow Cris. I know one here locally. I’ll take you.”

      Cris nodded. She smiled up at AJ. “Are we leaving now?”

      “Yeah. Are you ready?”

      “Yes. Let’s go.”

      Jessica helped her to stand. “I don’t know why you just didn’t stay here instead of having to drive to some hotel.”

      “You know I can’t stay in this house Jess. I may have forgiven her but some things can’t be forgotten.”

      “I told your mother you said good night already. Did you want to see your dad before we leave?” AJ placed her coat around shoulders.

      “No, I'll see them tomorrow. I’m tired, Alex. Let’s just go.”

      “Okay, baby. We’re leaving.” He turned to Jessica. “Tell everyone that Cris was really tired and that we had a nice time at the party. Thanks Jess.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door with Cris.

      “Okay. Cris, call me tomorrow.”

      “I will.”

      AJ helped her out into the cold and over the patches of ice. She hurried into the car.

      “I hate snow.” He declared as he started up the car.

      “Me too. I miss home.” She turned towards him. “Baby, let’s go back to California tomorrow. I can’t stand it here.”

      “We came to spend Christmas with your family.”

      “I know but I really miss home. I don’t like this weather. It makes me paranoid with all the ice and snow.”

      “Cris, I don’t know.”

      “Think about it. It could be you and me at home, right now. I don’t want to stay here. We can go home and trim a tree tomorrow night. We can even call Denise and go to Florida. Anywhere but here.”

      “We can’t just leave.”

      “Yes, we can. I’ll call them tomorrow and explain that the weather was too much for the babies and me. Alex, please. Mother is getting to me. She’s driving me crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.”

      “Okay, Cris. We’ll go home.”

      “Thank you.” She held his hand and kissed the back of it.

***

      “Oh, it is so good to be home.” Cris flopped on the bed.

      AJ laid their bags down. Somewhere in the house they heard a phone ringing.

      “My phone. Let it ring. I’m not getting up.”

      He laughed at her. “I’ll get it. Where is it?”

      “In my purse. On the front hall table.”

      “Don’t move.”

      “You won’t have to worry about that.” She stretched out.

      A few seconds later the ringing stopped. She heard his voice as he traveled back up the stairs. “I know. I tried…Cris wanted to come home…It was the weather. She didn’t think it was that good for the babies…You know how she is, very stubborn…I understand. We will. Of course.”

      Cris smiled playfully as he came closer to the bed. She lifted his shirt and began kissing his stomach.

      “What was that?…Cris? She’s, uh, on the bed. She was very, very tired. And hot. I mean cold. She was cold. She’s fine now that we’re home.” He held the phone away from him. “Cristian McLean, I’m on the phone.”

      “I know.” She undid his pants buckle.

      “I’m sorry. What was that?… Of course. We’ll definitely try.”

      Cris moved up to kiss his neck while one hand gently rubbed him so that he shifted uncomfortably.

      “Oh, uh, like I said we’ll try. Yes…Merry Christmas to you too.” He hung the phone and threw it across the room. “Mrs. McLean, what are you doing to me?”

      “Making sure my husband has a very merry Christmas.” She kissed him. ”Are you?”

      “Yes. But Cris, the babies?”

      “There are other ways.” She kissed her way down till she reach the waistband of his shorts. “We haven’t been able to have sex in a month. This must be driving you crazy. I wanted to show you how much I care.”

      “I want you.” He growled.

      “I’m here, baby, right here.”

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*5*

Cris turned on her side as the babies switched positions. Every time they moved it required her to change positions too in order to stay comfortable.     

      “Be still.” AJ ordered.

      “I can’t help it. Your children keep moving.”

      “My children, huh? I thought we were both going to carry the responsibilities.” He looked up at her as he dipped the brush back into the bottle and onto her toenails.

      “Look at me. I’m carrying all of it and them. You haven’t got an ounce of fat on you.”

      “Baby, I keeping telling you, you’re pregnant not fat. You’re gorgeous.” He stopped painting to look at her. There wasn’t a statement he meant more in his life. Her skin was still flushed from the bath moments ago. Now as she lounged in her underwear and an open robe she looked refreshed and glowing. Coming back home was the right decision.

      “Well, it feels the same.” She pouted.

      “I tell you what,” He made sure the bottle was tightly closed before setting it down. She wiggled her toes when he blew on them. “We’ll share the responsibilities. You take care of them and I’ll take care of you. For now at least anyways. And in a couple of months I get Caitlyn and you can have Christopher.”

      She scrunched up her nose. “I kind of liked Maria.”

      “Really?” She nodded. “Hmm. We’ll see. There’s time.” He kissed her belly.

      “Alex, think about it. In one year, the whole house will be covered in presents for the babies..”

      “It already is. The nursery anyway. With my mom and your parents plus Jess and the guys not to mention the people from your office, these babies are going to be spoiled as hell.”

      “It’ll be their first Christmas next year. For us that makes 6 years.”

      “Didn’t think we’d make it, did you?”

      “Honestly, no. Things got rocky for awhile there.”

      “Babe, you got to have faith.”

      “Didn’t think I needed it. I had you.”

      “I’m still here.”

      “I know.” He watched her eyes fill with tears. Except for that time with her mother on the phone and the time she got sting by yellowjacks last year he hadn’t seen her cry before. He never knew Cris to cry so much and he could tell she didn’t like it. She was his ‘Superwoman’ and he loved her for it. It made her Cris. His mom called her a tough cookie.

      She swiped at her eyes with her hand. “I know,” She cheered up. “Let’s start decorating the tree now. Yeah?” He nodded as her eyes lit up. “I’ll get the new ornaments we bought and meet you downstairs.”

      He stood. “Okay. Right now the tree is sitting in the hall. Do we leave it there or move it to the bay window like last year?”

      “Let’s leave it there and move the hall table. Then we can open the oak door and let everyone see our tree through the glass.” As quickly as she could she jumped off the bed, which wasn’t very fast AJ noted.

      “Cris, baby don’t you want to put on some clothes first?”

      “Why?” She looked down. True she couldn’t see anything pass her stomach but she looked for signs of anything being wrong or out of place. “Damn, I know that I’m a little overweight, but that hurt. If you don’t want to see me like this, that’s fine.”

      “It’s not that. I love your body. I love making love to your body but,” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. “If we have the door open I’d rather not have the whole neighborhood having the advantage of seeing my wife in her underwear.”

      “Okay babe, I will. I’ll meet you downstairs with the ornaments.”

      Cris quickly pulled an oversized dress over her head and started for hall closet where the new ornaments were stashed. The ones from previous years were in the downstairs hall closet. When she bent over to pick up the bags she felt a small stab in her side. “Okay, babies. It’s okay. Mommy will promise not to do that again if you stop.” Slowly she took deep breaths. “Thank you.” She rubbed her stomach gently.

      “Hey babe,” She called out as she started down the stairs. “I’d say these are definitely your kids. They can’t stay still for anything.”

      “What’s that?” AJ tried to ring the dogs in before Cris came downstairs. He didn’t like them running around her too much. “Whoa, down boy. Get down.”

      Cris laughed. “That’s what I should have said. I wouldn’t be in this mess now.”

      “Hold on, babe. I can’t hear you.”

      “I said……Jesus Christ.” Cris gripped the banister. She took slow deep breaths. The pain would pass in a little while. Another wave hit her. It was worse. “Oh God..” She let go of the banister and gripped her stomach. “Alex!” She didn’t mean to call his name but it just came out. She didn’t want him to come running, didn’t want him to worry. She called out his name again. This time she was in pain and she needed him.

      “Cris?” AJ came to the foot of the stairs just in time to see his wife let go and fall downward. The ornaments in her hands rolled and shattered all over the floor into a million pieces.

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*6*

“Hello, you’ve reached Cristian and Alex’s voicemail…it’s my name. I do not sound like my mother. Fine. You’ve reached Cris and Alex…what…oh, no according to my dear sweet husband you’ve reached Cris and AJ. That better, honey? Good. …I think you’re sweet. Well, you can be sometimes. If you're not sweet you can't be dear either…Yes, Alex, I know it’s still recording…No, I will not. I’m going to leave it up there. Yes, I am. Anyway, this is the McLean’s. Leave a message after the beep. Bye. We are not putting music in the background. Just because you're a musician. What’s wrong with-”

{BEEP} “Hey, it’s Jess. Just calling to make sure everything was okay. Daddy said you guys went home. You could’ve told me. Um, anyway it’s kinda late so I guess you’re in bed already. You must be pretty tired. Call me.”

{BEEP} “Hey, kiddos. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Heard you were back in Cali. Her family that bad, huh? Just joking, Cris. Love you girl. You too, Bone. Merry Christmas.”

{BEEP} “You really need to change that voicemail. It’s horrible. It’s been up there for months now. In a few months all you’ll have time for is changing diapers. Just like I changed yours, Alex. Except you’ll have twice as many as I did. They’re not here yet so don’t stress. I can see the panic on your faces already. You still have time. And there are two of you so you’ll be okay, I believe. At least you have each other. Merry Christmas. I love you. Take care of my grandbabies.”

{BEEP} “Hey, where are you guys? It’s 12:01. Just calling to say Merry Christmas. Again. Well, Merry Christmas. Later.”

AJ paced the waiting room nervously. After what seemed like hours upon hours the doctor told him the babies were coming prematurely and that they would have to go in and take them out two months early. Later the nurse reported to him that the operation was not going well and asked which would he rather have saved his wife or his children.

      “My wife.” AJ replied without hesitation.

      After that he sat down and cried. Finally he stood and tried to compose himself. He dug his phone out of his pocket. The first person he knew to call was his mother. He told her of his decision and cried some more while she listened and offered soothing words. She was right of course; they could try again to have more kids. He knew Cris was the important factor to remember and that he’d have to be strong for her.

      When he hung up with Denise, he felt somewhat consoled but not much better. He jumped when his phone rang in his hands. That’s when he found out from Jessica what his wife had been hiding from him.

      The doctor came out again to tell AJ what his heart already knew. The babies had not made it but Cris had. She was in stable condition now if he wished to see her.  AJ thought about this. Cris was the reason his children were dead now but he went in anyway. It was Christmas Eve and he didn’t want to spend it alone in a hospital waiting room.

      When he first saw her his heart jumped. She lay there with the wires and needles connected to her. But the biggest shock was the inflated stomach she still carried as though there were something growing inside. He grabbed the door handle behind him and almost ran back out of the room. Taking a deep breath he steeled himself to walk over to the chair beside the bed. On instinct he took her limp hand in his. He was so tired from worrying and crying and hurting he laid his head slowly down on the bed and fell asleep.

 
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*7*

“Alex?” Cris slowly fluttered her eyes open.

      AJ raised his head and removed her hand from his.

      “Alex, what happened?” She placed a hand on her stomach.

      “You tell me Cris. What happened?”

      “I felt a pain and I fell.”

      “Pains like you’ve felt before? A sharp pain in your side?”

      “Yeah, something like that but I thought it would pass. Alex, what happened to the babies?”

      “It was premature labor. They were positioned wrong and the umbilical cords got tangled. The doctors had to cut them out. The operation …” He stopped and swallowed hard. “It was a stillbirth.”

      “Oh, baby. I’m sorry.” She reached out to stroke his hair. “I know how much this meant to you.”

      “Do you?” He quickly stood.

      “Of course I do.”

      “And what did it mean to you?”

      “What kind of question is that? They were my babies too.”

      “But you didn’t care.” AJ shouted. The tears were coming again but he left them unnoticed.

      “Of course I did. I did everything. I exercised, ate right, slept correctly. I did everything that damn doctor told me to do.”

      “You should have felt something. You’re the mother, why didn’t you have some sort of warning? Why, Cris?”

      “Alex,” She could already see him moving away from her. There was a slight pain starting in her chest. Her heart. She ignored it. It was only what she deserved. It made her eyes water because she knew this was it. Everything was coming to an end.

      “A sharp pain in your side. That’s what you said that you felt. You said something was wrong with them. You felt it.”

      “When did you talk to Jess?” She asked quickly.

      He ignored her. “You could have told someone. You could have prevented this.”

      “Alex, you’re yelling.”

      “Our children are dead because of you." He enunciated each word as he swung items off the bedside table. "Who gives a fuck if I’m loud?”

      Cris froze. Here it was the thing she feared most. He blamed her for the deaths. And how could he not? She blamed herself.

      “Alex,” She tried to find a way to calm him down. “We can have more kids. There’s time for more.”

      “Always and forever feels like a long time doesn’t it? But it’s not really. Not when the one you love most in this world betrays you.”

      “I didn’t betray you. I love you.” She said with steeled determination.

      “Why didn’t you tell someone? Why didn’t you tell me? I’m your husband.”

      “I was afraid.”

      “Of what?” He asked softly.

      “Of losing you! Of this. I didn’t want you to blame me. I did everything. You wanted perfect babies and I tried to give you that.”

      “Why didn’t you just go to the doctors, Cris?”

      “I thought that it would pass. It only started yesterday.”

      “Stop lying to me.” He closed his eyes. “You told Jess you felt that something was wrong with our babies and you didn’t do anything about it.”

      Cris stayed silent. There was nothing she could say to that. It was true.

      “You didn’t want them did you? That’s why they didn’t make it. You killed them from the inside. They knew their own mother didn’t want them.” His tears had dried and it was obvious that he'd already made a decision.

      “I wanted them for you. This wasn’t planned. I wasn’t ready for motherhood, not yet. When I found out that I was pregnant I was happy for you. You were all that ever mattered to me.”

      “Not enough obviously. You couldn’t tell me the truth.”

      “I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to be hurt.” She was crying openly now.

      “Too late now.” He started towards the door.

      “Alex, where are you going?”

      “Home. I’ll be back. I need to get you some clothes. They cut your dress for the operation. You’ll go home in about three days.”

“Don’t leave me, Alex.” It was a quiet plea.

“Jess is on her way here. She got on a plane a couple of hours ago. She was worried. You didn’t call her. Another lie, huh, Cris? ”

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*8*

AJ pulled into the driveway and got out of his truck. A woman stood at the front door.

      “Can I help you?” He asked.

      “I’m looking for AJ. You.” She smiled.

      He sighed as he rubbed his eyes. He just wanted to get some clothes back to Cris and come back home to sleep. The day was turning into a worse evening. He’d have to call management tomorrow so some kind of statement could be released.

      “What is it I could help you with?” He asked.

      “You don’t have to sound so formal. I’m not a customer in a department store.”

      “Mind telling me who you are then?”

      “AJ, you don’t remember? It hasn’t been that long. About 6 years, I believe.”

      He stepped forward to peer closer at her. “Alison?”

      “In the flesh. Of course there’s more of it now.”

      “You look great. You always looked great.” He shocked himself to find that even after all that they’d gone through he really wished no ill will towards her.

      “Thanks. You know AJ I never really got over how we broke up.”

      “Alison, I’m married now.” Cris was his first thought. That’s the way that it would always be.

      “I know, I’ve been keeping up. I just wanted you to know something.”

      “What?”

      “Being that it’s Christmas Eve I brought you a present.”

      “What’s that?” He put his hands in his pocket. Alison was always full of surprises. He glanced behind him. The sun had set and it was full night now. He needed to get back to Cris. He didn’t know if he wanted to but he needed to and that was the thing.

      Alison walked to her car, which was parked in front of his. “Come here sweetie.”

      AJ stepped forward. “Alison, listen I really need to get back to the…” He stopped when he realized the ‘sweetie’ wasn’t directed towards him. In her arms she held a small child with dark curls and chocolate brown eyes that mirrored his own.

      “Her name is Celina. I was pregnant when I left that night.”

      AJ stared at her. “You couldn’t have been. That was-“

      “She’ll be 6 in a couple of months, February.”

      “Why didn’t you tell me?” AJ finished lamely as he realized it was the same statement he just asked Cris less than an hour ago.

      “I did come back to tell you as soon as I found out but you’d moved.”

      “You could have found me. It wouldn’t have been hard. The fans can surely do it.”

      “True but some part of me didn’t want to. I had to fess up to my own responsibilities. There was also that part of me that was scared.”

      “Of what?” AJ pushed back the strong feeling of déjà vu.

      “That you would take her away from me when you found out.”

      “So why come forward now?” AJ spoke without taking his eyes off the child.

      “I read that your wife was pregnant.”

      “And? What does Cris have to do with her…Celina?” He reached out to stroke her soft curls. Part of him didn’t really believe that she was real. She shyly turned her head into her mother’s shoulder.

      “Don’t be afraid. Say hello. It’s Daddy.”

      “Alison you didn’t answer the question.”

      “I thought that you should know before your wife gives birth.”

      “Thank you but she had a Cesarean tonight. The babies were stillborn.”

      “AJ, I’m sorry.”  

      “It’s okay. You learn to deal with the blows that life offers you, right?” He glanced at Alison. “Want to come in? For a little while, just to talk?”

      “Sure, I’d like that.”

      “Come here,” AJ reached for the child. “Come to Daddy. Come here sweetheart.”

      Only after a moment’s hesitation did she come to AJ. He turned to go into the house with Alison following. He stopped at the door.

      Cris stood there before him blocking the doorway.

      “AJ, what’s wrong?” For some reason Alison couldn’t see Cris standing there. AJ didn’t try to explain Cris’ presence or Alison’s either for that matter. He felt like he’d been caught doing something wrong and he had no explanation prepared.

      “Alex?” Cris called out to him.

      He turned back to Alison who continued to talk. “AJ are we going into the house? Why did you stop?”

      “Cris.” Was all that he said as she disappeared and the child in his arms with her.

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*9*

“Oh, honey, how are you doing?” Jessica rushed into the room.

“As much as can be expect for a woman who just had her dead children cut out of her and whose husband hates her for it.” Cris tried to sit up more in the bed.

      “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry for telling him but he told me that you were in the hospital and I thought that I just had to.”

      “It’s okay. I’m not blaming you. I was right Jess, and you were too. I should have told him but he hates me now.”

      “Now he doesn’t. He still loves you. It’ll just take him awhile to get over this hurt.”

      “You didn’t see the way he looked at me. I lied to him. He’ll never forgive that.”

      Jessica moved over to stroke her hair and to rub her back.

      “When he looked at me I wished I would die right then. The pain hurts so bad. I don’t want him angry with me. If he’s upset, he won’t love me. He’ll leave me.”

“No-“

“Yes, he will. You don’t know how he is. Alex has all these intense emotions. That’s part of the wonderfulness that makes him Alex. He feels everything so wholeheartedly. And if he hates me that means I can’t live anymore. I need him so badly in my life. I don’t want to be without him. I’m at the point I don’t think I can anymore.”

“Who are you? I don’t recognize the person lying in this bed. This is not my sister. The Cristian Dane I know was stronger than to need a man in her life. No matter how wonderful he is.”

“She fell in love and became a McLean.” She smiled sorrowfully. “Love will do that to you, Jess.”

“Maybe other people but I’ve never known anyone to do anything like this to you. Tell me where my sister went. That’s all I want to know.”

“Jessica, I’m here. I’m dying inside but I’m here.”

“Then tell me something. I want you to promise me, Cris, and I mean it this time. Okay?” She waited for Cris to nod before continuing. “You have to promise me that you’ll go on after this. You’ve suffered a terrible heartache tonight I know, but you have to get up. This will only make you stronger not weaker.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Sweetie you have to.” She wiped away the tear that escaped. “But you know the best part?”

“What?” Cris gave a watery smile for her sister’s sake.

“You won’t have to do it alone.”

“When did you become the older, wiser sister? I know you’ll be here for me. You won’t leave me will you?”

“I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about your husband. You love him and he loves you. If that wasn’t enough, then tell me how it is that you two are together after everything that you’ve been through. You’re meant to be together. And you will.”

Cris sighed. If only she shared some of that hope.

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*10*

    “Cris.”

    AJ woke up suddenly with a jolt. He sat up and shivered.

      He looked around him. He fell asleep in the living room on his way out of the door. On the couch beside him was the overnight bag with the clothes that he’d picked out to take back to Cris. The bag was bought to be used months from now but it still held some of the same needed items in them. He’d taken out the baby blankets already.

      He placed the bag on the floor and stood to straighten the pillows. There in between the cushions the corner of an envelope stuck up. He pulled it free. Immediately he sat back down heavily. It was the goodbye letter he’d written to Cris. He’d plan on dropping off the bag with the letter inside. When she got home tomorrow he’d be at his mom’s house in Tampa. This time for once he was running away like she’d done so many times.

      Thoughts crowded his mind. Before he’d woken up he had a dream. He thought for a moment. Alison was there and their child, their wonderful little girl with the beautiful brown eyes. He frowned. No, the eyes were green weren’t they? Green with little gold flecks that he could map out every time he closed his eyes. But it hadn’t mattered because Cris was there and it made him see she was the only thing he’d ever really need.

      He closed his eyes and it was Cris’ green eyes he saw. Green with gold flecks like the sun shining through to the bottom of the forest floor. Green and gold, that was his heaven. For 5 years now she’d been his heaven. They celebrated each year as though those four months apart never existed and they were in bliss.

She was his Cris, his everything. There was no way he could go back to her now. Not like this. He tore the letter into halves then fourths. Taking the tablet and pen from the coffee table he slowly began to pen another.

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*11*

“Hello, Cris how are you feeling?” Cris’ OB-GYN walked into the room.

      “Hello Dr. Anderson.” Due to the amount of extensive crying she’s just done her voice nor her looks were at their best. “Okay. Getting better.”

      “Is the anesthesia is starting to wear off? Want me to call the nurse and get you some painkillers?”

Cris shook her head. “I’m fine. That’s not necessary, really.”

“If you insist but don’t be hesitant to ask when you need some.” He sat opposite Jess. “Is your husband around here? I wanted to talk with both of you.”

      “No not at the moment. He went home for a while. He’s been through so much.”

      “You both have. In my opinion he got off easy. Well, I just wanted to tell you about the operation and to tell you what happened exactly. I talked with your husband some earlier but I didn’t tell him any specifics. Of course your fall didn’t help but don’t think that you are to blame at all. The biggest thing I wanted you to know was that this is no one’s fault. Babies come when they want to. Even two months early.”

“Why the premature labor?” Jess asked.

“It’s what we call spontaneous preterm birth. Having an over distended uterus can cause early labor. In your case it was nothing that you did. It was just because you were carrying twins. As I told you earlier in the pregnancy carrying twins does add extra risk and complications.”

“I know but I thought that the third trimester meant we were out of the danger zone.”

“That is by no means true. There can be complications up to the actual birth as it were with you. When your husband brought you in unconscious our first thought was to keep you stable. This changed when we discovered one of them were in ‘breech position,’ meaning a bottom-first position. When this happens we perform a process called an external cephalic version or ECV. Listen, Cris, I don’t want to bog you down with a bunch of medical terms but I do want you to know exactly what happened. Understood?”

Cris could only nod.

“Good. However at this point there was nothing anyone can do but try to hope for the best. I knew there was no chance of turning the baby around and we immediately began the Cesarean. That was when we discovered that they were stillbirth. They must have lived right up until just moments before. This seemingly was caused by lack of oxygen, due in part to the position of their umbilical cords. If they hadn't died they would have been born mentally retardent. And I am well aware that tomorrow is Christmas but I’m going to need you to get up and walk around. This will be painful, make no mistake about it. But it’ll increase your circulation and in the long run help you to heal faster. You’ll also have your IV and urinary catheter removed. You can eat bland foods if you want to at this time as well.”

       “Mrs. McLean?” The nurse peeked her head inside the door to see whether the patient was awake or not

      “She’s awake.” The doctor answered. “Although she should be getting her rest. I’ll leave you now. You’re a young healthy woman, Cris. I’m sure-no, I’m positive you’ll be able to have more children if that’s what you and your husband want. I’d stake my career on it. And I’ve seen a lot of pregnancies and delivered a lot of babies. Most importantly, I want you to have all the medication that you might need. It’s a hard transition after losing not one but two babies, however there are small things to help it go easier.”

    “Thank you doctor.” They shook hands before he left the room.

    “Is there anything you needed?” Jess asked the nurse who still stood there.

      “Visitor’s hours are over. You’ll have to leave now.”

      “I will in a minute.”

      “Mrs. McLean, your husband left this bag for you.”

      Cris reached out for it. The nurse laid it on her lap. She looked pointedly at Jessica. “You’ll still have to leave, miss.”

      “Alright then. Cris, I’ll be back tomorrow. Apparently the nightshift is a bunch of uptight bitches. But call me if you need anything at all sweetie, I’ll find a way in here to you.”

      “Where are you staying? Not at a hotel. You could use the guestroom at our house.”

      “I’m not so sure about that. I have a feeling that if AJ isn’t here he probably would like to be alone right now.”

      “Yeah. I hadn’t thought of that.”

      “There’s a hotel a few blocks down. I’ll get a room there.” Jess kissed Cris on the forehead. “See you tomorrow.”

      Cris unzipped the overnight bag. She almost lost it again when she saw what bag he’d chosen to bring. It was like a cruel joke to remind her again of what she’d done. There lying on top was a folded letter. She began reading as Jess and the nurse filed out of the room.

      She looked up. “Nurse, did he say anything else? My husband?”

      “Just to give you the bag and that he’ll be back by tomorrow. Merry Christmas.”

      “Thank you, you too.” Cris was already back to reading the letter.

 *** 

      A few minutes later the bedside phone rang.

      “Hello?”

      “Did you get the letter?”

    “I did. ‘Always and forever.’” Cris nodded although he could not see her. “Where are you? Alex, I wish you were here.”

      Cris looked up as her room door opened. “Baby, right here. I thought you read the letter. I’ll always be here for you.”

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*12*

Cris,

     Five years ago we stood before everyone that mattered to us and we told each other how we felt about one another. That was supposed to be how we would feel for the rest of our lives. Two years ago you broke the scared union of marriage that we’d created. You broke it and my heart. But you were so much of my heart, broken or not, I couldn’t live without you. Almost three years ago coming up this March we once again promised to love each other. Always and forever.

But I don’t have to tell you this. You know it all. You were there, right, Cris? You were there through all of the hurt and tears and bullshit we’ve gone through to get here. What I don’t get at this point is why? After all the shit we’ve been through why would you do something like this? And when I sat down and cried for you, for our marriage, I thought ‘this is it.’ It was the end for me. I was ready to walk away from you and everything that we’d built together.

That’s what I thought. My heart had to tell me I was mistaken. Because it knows better than I. See, it was there too. It knows the history.

Five years ago, we said we’d take each other to Heaven. Eventually we became each other’s Heaven. But Heaven isn’t what it was. What goes beyond Heaven, beyond feelings and emotions? I don’t know. It’s something indescribable. I only get a glimpse of it at night when I make love to you and you softly utter my name. I thought that was Heaven. But it goes beyond that. Or when you lie in my arms, I want to tell you what I’m feeling at that point. But it goes beyond feelings. Or even when I can think ‘Cris’ and you look up at me because you know me so well, better than anyone and we share all these emotions in one glance. But it goes beyond emotions. It’s so far beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s just…you. It’s all you baby.

You said once that I was just a dreamer and a poet. I hope that over the years I’ve come to be a little more to you. I hope that I’m your soul mate, the other half you can’t live without. I want to be your energy source and when times get their best or their worst the one person you coming running to. Because that’s what you are to me. I want us to be so close we won’t have to reach out to each other in the middle of the night because you’re already in my arms and your legs are already wrapped around mine.

            I remember waking up warm summer evenings with you beside me. Just the sight of you and I was already hard. I took the pleasure in knowing that it would be this way for the rest of our lives. That for the rest of my life I could kiss your tender lips, your soft skin, your sweet body. Watching your face as you climaxed knowing it was me that brought you that joy, that perfect release each time.

            At that moment, that splendid moment your eyes lock with mine and I see forever. You don’t look away or close them to savor it for yourself. You offer me part of forever with you. And each time as I let you lead me over the edge, I accept.

            See, baby, there’s something in those eyes of yours, those greens and golds that I get lost in. I’ve always gotten lost in. When I first saw you, saw your eyes my whole body stopped. Including my heart. It said, ‘This is her, don’t just stand there and be a dumb ass. Now,’ It said. ‘Now life is waiting for you.’ And so you were. Waiting for me just as I was waiting for you so that life could begin for us both. There was no living before you. Everything lead up to that point, that exact moment. So we could go on and have other moments together.

            Celina. That’s our daughter’s name. She has dark hair and your intense eyes. I’ve seen her. She’s our future. I know the deaths of our babies weren’t your fault. I’m sorry that I blamed you for that. You’ve only tried to give me everything, including yourself. I almost lost you there. I came so close. I got so scared. I send kisses up to God now in gratitude that he let me have you just a little while longer.

            I don’t know how I thought that I could ever walk away from you. I know you’re wondering why I’m not there with you now. You’re probably hurting and I’m sorry for that too. Give me a few hours and I’ll be there to kiss away all of your pain. I felt that I had to write this alone just as you must read it alone.

            Damn, this got a little longer than I intended. Yeah, I know I get wordy sometimes. But you know that too. What I really wanted to say, what I started to say is just that Cris, baby, I love you.

Always, Forever

Beyond till the end,

Alex

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