FIRST THINGS FIRST

It was my comparatively pale skin, of course. My mother's skin was toned darker than my own and would more quickly appear the greenish nut brown common to our race under the intense sunlight of a Stilcho spring. Therefore until such time as my own genetic heritage engaged more fully, I must either wear a heavier garment than others in the household, or use chemical salves or oils. My father was also lighter of skin coloration than anyone else in the intermediate familial unit. For the time in which we had resided on Stilcho he had periodically misted his body in a chemical spray which assisted him in adapting to the local planetary conditions.

Stilcho was subject to a higher level of radiation from the local sun than our planetary home. His moderate use of chemicals was therefore logical.

However, at some time, far in my childish past, I had found the scent of the chemical protective addition unpleasant. In what I now recognized as a response common to myself, I knew I had deliberately over-compensated by becoming physically closer to my father. Even today I found myself constantly touching him as he worked. It pleased me on many levels to do so. I forged a closer bond with him, the dominant male figure in my household. It pleased both my parents for me to be able to be physically close to both of them.

Mother had previously noted the reluctance of most youths of my generation to touch and caress, even to do so with their parents. By custom it was proper to touch one's own kin, but still many of my race and class physically distanced themselves even as they learned the patterns of logic and judgment common to mature Vulcan's.

My secret was that being able to touch the warm dry skin of others of my race brought me comfort. My mentors reminded me constantly that it was customary to touch, and it was logical to touch those closest to you. Public displays might be unseemly, but private touching was a means of growing stronger bonds within and without. I enjoyed touching.

They said; "Always use proper judgment, always use the mind's skill to determine the times when closer contact was permissible. Always know when a higher level of contact was allowed."

I did not always know. Unfortunately my movements in public were always less than smooth as I had to judgmentally process my proper level of intimacy first before acting on my wishes.

Ronnle, my constant companion T'Chaan, always integrated herself socially more smoothly than myself. She always seemed to move so smoothly and effortlessly. She always stood close to her brother, and maintained proper distance with her mentors and further away with complete strangers. She seemed to do so without conscious thought. I continually had to stop and judge my level of kinship and previous established level of intimacy before finishing my movements. I felt very young and prone to misjudgment, after observing her. It was illogical to wish for what I was not, but I wished I was more swiftly able to judge and move in society.

Ronnle, and the sisters T'Bras, comprised part of my own individual circle of closest non-kin intimates. As intimates of similar social, gender and age grouping, we were able to ask questions of each other and search for reasonable answers we were hesitant to ask of others.

Not all questions, of course. Those proper to ask of an intimate were asked. Just as some questions were to be asked of kin, and those for parents, and those for siblings. Our Mentors were another level of intimacy, and even there levels of intimacy existed.

It would be proper to ask a Mentor questions concerning private sexual functions. It would be better to ask my Mother. My father would be able to answer questions about male sexual functioning. So might my closest male Mentors.

I am unsure of my proper needs or responses in the matters of sex, bonding and especially of life mates. Perhaps it was better in those distant ages when all such bondings were pre-arranged by our parents with assistance from the priestly hierarchy. However, such a pre-selection might be quite unsuited for myself.

For doubts concerning sex and bonding filled me with many doubts and questions that I refrained from asking. That was illogical. I should ask, and worry little about social proprieties. Knowledge is peace. Knowledge is power.

My Mother had shown me many common methods of masturbation, always reminding me of the existence of other ways of relieving the female Vulcan body of its hormonal overload. She had also emphasized not only the physical pleasures of self-gratification, but the mental clarity possible when in a state of intense gratification. Though she had of course properly cautioned me against letting a search for personal pleasure overwhelm the cognitive functions. The mind must always be the dominant organ in the Vulcan biosystem.

My Mentors also dwelt on the importance of mental control. It was the control which allowed us to do many things not normal for other star-faring races.

I had heard of and read much about an obsolete pattern once more widely practiced by our race. Mind melding.

It was quite extraordinary to mind-meld.

Ronnle and I had attempted the ancient discipline with very mixed results, most of them disturbing. The meld had been momentary, but much jumbled and disorganized data had flowed between us. Nonetheless it had been extremely exciting. I had discovered afterwards that I wished to share a greater intimacy with Ronnle, including physical intimacy.

This realization prompted much thought and many internal questions afterwards. None of them were answerable from my own experience or knowledge.

It is profoundly disturbing to be in doubt. Much of Vulcan protocols are aimed at resolving doubts or submerging them.

Naturally we had told our parents and Mentors of our experiments, also with mixed results. My own closest Mentor, Rapchal, felt I was attempting too much before my mind had become disciplined enough to withstand the chaos-inspiring effects. Not to mention it was a means by which one's emotions might be over-stimulated.

I continued to study my new perspectives internally.

My parents had been more encouraging, but had been quite adamant concerning the many stages of study and understanding I would have to undergo before proceeding further with this mind melding skill. They were moderately encouraging because they were not so sure that the discipline was outmoded, having had positive results in the past. Emotional control was essential, however, to further personal research.

Perhaps not all questions should be asked, however.

I am aware that my period of bonding to another is not for years to come. It is proper to bond to one person and maintain that bond for life.

My parents are not rigid traditionalists, therefore they have pointedly talked with me about their own preferences for my bond-husband, but have also emphasized their reluctance to make my decision for me.

Since meeting my three second-level kin who were in the Vulcan Space Force, I have also asked repeatedly about other options. The thought of me being a Deep Spacer does not apparently distress either parent too greatly. It is an honorable profession. Mother wishes me to go into the Diplomatic Corps if I must choose a non-standard vocation. Yet their hope is for me to also continue my familial line, but understand I might not wish to stay home and raise my own children. They understand my new desire to go into space. We have discussed other possibilities, such as leaving any children with either my new husband, and his family, or with my present family to raise. Being the female it would be my choice as to whether my parents or new husband might raise the offspring to adulthood.

They do not even yet know of my other desires.

Since Ronnle and myself mind-melded I find myself thinking almost exclusively of her when I masturbate.

Masturbation is a flavor of life. It is illogical to avoid the flavors of life. I asked the sisters T'Bras if they would enjoy masturbating me. They were agreeable, but wished for Ronnle to join in. This was acceptable to Ronnle. We would masturbate each other. I would enjoy doing this. If the twin's parents consent, we shall together sample that flavor of life.

One should never be dominated by the pleasures of life, but must savor and enjoy them. Wine is a flavor to be enjoyed. Determining the flip-point in isolinear tensor is a flavor to be enjoyed. Serenity is a flavor.

I wish to savor the joys possible when having sex with another female. After this I shall study sex with males. One should be bonded and mated for life, so it is no small matter to contemplate sex with males.

It would be logical to have sex with women first. I need not make choices about a male mate for decades yet.

Therefore today I crouch here alongside my Mother, suffering the minor irritant of the hot sun above our heads. Mother is working on building a sub-surface drainage and irrigation system in the garden expansion she has begun for our home. She intends to create a small formal arrangement in which our residence would seem to be on Vulcan itself, although most of the plants will be Stilcho natives. She seeks to create harmony and balance in an apparently wild and unorganized landscape.

Three dissimilar boulders with spare clumps of leafy life to either side will be the focus on this side of our house for harmony and contemplation. A stony slope leading to low-lying carpets of stubborn dark brush is the focus on the other side.

I spend many moments there in a corner of the house shaded by an overhang. I speak my cycles and logics there, finding much peace and surety.

Mother will eventually show in this place of apparent chaos a flavor of harmony and disorder; but will hereby emphasize the use of mind over environment without domination.

Domination is not desirable. Harmony and balance always is desired. I rarely feel in balance or in tune with my environment. I know my emotions are always near the surface of my mind.

I have to wear a robe and brim-band on my head if I stay any long period of time outdoors. As this garden is a melding of planetary life, it is worthwhile, and I will assist my Mother as she works. As she works in the nude, I shall be able to better maintain my focus on what I need to ask of her. If she were not my Mother, I know I could find her desirable. Her mind is incisive and penetrating, and her body is maintained in top physical condition.

I readjusted my knee-pads and bent again to place tiles in the small trench the robo-gardener has dug. The robotic workers might do this task more speedily, but efficiency is not always logical. It was logical to always perform some tasks by hand, as it maintained optimal dextral and mental proficiency. It is also extremely important emotionally to maintain close physical familiarity with the planetary and local physical environment.

Mother was carefully layering in a gravel mix proper for this course above the tile channels when I turned to admire her form. She was only eighty years of age, and showed all the taut beauty of a mature woman in the prime of her life.

"Mother," I said, "I find it very pleasant to admire your body. You have maintained the biological system admirably."

She glanced at me before responding. "It is logical to maintain health, and prolong useful life."

"I not only admire your abilities, Mother, but I enjoy looking on the female form."

"Indeed," she noted. Then she sat back up on her heels and examined my face more completely.

"This statement is not an accusation, Mother," I evenly said. "You have not yet informed me of the possibilities of sexual expression and even life-bonding between two females."

"And you wish the information now," she finished for me.

I nodded in assent. Mother returned to working on her desert environment garden. I assisted her, grateful for her tact and due diligence. She glanced at me twice while working, therefore I knew she was choosing what next to say.

"You are aware that it is accepted custom for a wife and mother to maintain close ties with other women of her own choosing? If she so wishes?"

She carefully refrained from discussing at this time the imperatives driving our society in the matter of sexual relations between fellow wives and other females. We had even discussed the Pon-Farr and other deviant acclimations accepted by our society. Not in detail, perhaps, but I knew of them.

They were a price we deliberately paid for our stable society.

"Do you have anyone in mind with whom you might wish to explore these options?" she asked. "Ronnle T'Chann? She is already conversant with eight forms of tensor analysis. Or perhaps one of the T'Bras sisters? Netem especially is a marvelous physical system, and seems especially intelligent. She would undoubtedly be pleasing."

"Mother…, I began, "…perhaps…" Then could not go on. Once more I was inadequate to the task. How could I hope to aspire to the Space Force or anything else as flawed as I felt?

"Let us work now, and talk more later." And this we did.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After dinner, Mother suggested we walk a small distance out onto the desert. As the larger predators on Stilcho were as sickened by our smell as we were of theirs, it was safe to do so. Shelats were not necessary to protect the familial unit, though they were still common as companions in our communities on this planet.

Evening onset gradient thermals lifted my long hair and made noises with our robes. I expected for us to talk of my unformed questions, and so we did.

Mother explained the combination of deep respect and true emotional bonding she had long ago acquired with my Father. Yet she also made a point of publicly telling me that she and T'Peq share sex as well as mugs of Cha in the morning. This was already known, but Mother was building a logic tree.

Until we topped a small rise and saw the camp before us.

Mother looked at me, clasping my hand in a soft embrace.

"T'Tata Talas is an old friend of mine, dearest daughter mine, as you well know. We first knew each other on Vulcan. More specifically, I knew her mother, Aold."

I saw a bare-breasted Vulcan woman with short hair rise up from beside a small campfire, her long sharp-chinned face a mask to us in the semi-darkness. There was a single glow on in her tent, and her blondish Shelat, XeJab, rose up and snuffled at us. I shook, barely able to control my suddenly spiking emotions. I recited strings of submergence to myself, bringing lucidity back to my eyes and mind.

My hands of their own will felt my hardening nipples, but my mind was cooling and growing strong as the new patterns were reassembled again and again in my mind.

Pleasure is a flavor of life. Satisfactory sex is a pleasure. It is a flavor none of us should be denied. It is logical to have enjoyable sex.

My body secreted copious amounts of lubrication, and I was a strong scent in my own nostrils. It was logical to lubricate before pleasurable sex.

I am not a victim of chaos, I repeated to myself, I am the flame, I am the candle, I am the light, I am undying, I am a whisper, I am forver, I am transient as a breath.

Chaos does not hold me. I hold chaos in my palm and quiet it into submission.

"Aold, T'Tata Aold was forty years older than me, and I was almost as old as you when we first shared coitus. She was very patient, as well as proficient and caring. We were lovers for many years. I always enjoyed sex with her.

"I always knew her daughter T'Tata Talas enjoyed the sight of you. She enjoys the sight of most Vulcan women.

"She will never take a husband.

"Here, tonight, there are no commitments, no promises, no unsightly unbridled emotions, and from myself no commands. Walk back home with me now, or spend the night with Talas. You may leave at any time and for no reason, if you wish. Nothing is preordained, nothing is bonded, nothing is forced.

"I remind you she is forty years older than yourself, and ask for you to be gentle with and kind to, her.

"Your scent is strong," my mother observed. "It appears that I have made a satisfactory decision in this delicate matter.

"With that I wish you always, my dearest daughter, to live long and prosper."

We touched cheeks, and then touched fingertips. I am the flame that cannot die. I am the moth flaming for a second. I am gone from here. I am here and shall never leave.

She turned to find her own bed, and my Father, and her life.

I turned to find tomorrow.

---------------END

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