Author: J. Juls (jjuls @ tbc.net)
Series: TOS
Rating: NC-17
Codes: U/Ilia-probe
Summary: Uhura takes matters into her own hands when Decker can't succeed with the Ilia-probe.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all Star Trek, even ST 1. Wowee.
Nyota watched incredulously from her monitoring station on the bridge.
"All these vessels were named _Enterprise_."
Lame! So lame! He's showing her his car! Sheesh!
"Ilia enjoyed this game. She nearly always won."
Okay, now he's taking her to the video game arcade. Geek! Loser!
"This device serves no purpose."
Duh, stupid. Obviously you don't understand how to reach the Deltan remnants in this probe. Okay, they're finally heading toward Ilia's quarters. About time!
"Ilia liked to wear this on special occasions."
What, a *headband*? A lousy *headband*? The entire Earth is about to be destroyed, our only chance of a solution is to contact the Ilia part of this probe, and they're going through a fashion show. "Captain?"
"Yes, Uhura?"
"Permission to leave the Bridge. I think I may have a solution to the, ah, probe troubles."
The Captain seemed to mull the issue briefly. Uhura could tell he knew that dweeby little Decker wasn't getting anywhere with Ilia. Why Kirk hadn't gone to her himself was a mystery!
"All right, you may go, Lieutenant. I'll call Decker and tell him to report back here."
***
Uhura strode briskly down the corridor to Ilia's quarters, on her way meeting a really pissed-off Commander Decker. "Lame," she muttered to him in passing. "Just really, really lame." She shook her head in wonder.
She barged into Ilia's quarters. "Excuse me, probe?"
"Greetings, organic scum. Why have you contaminated this room?"
"I have just one more teeny, tiny bit of human functioning to show you before you decontaminate the ship." She pawed through Ilia's possessions; it didn't take her too long to find the extensive vibrator collection. Duh, a Deltan who took a vow of celibacy probably went through a couple subspace vibrators every day. "Position your body horizontally on that pallet." The probe obeyed. "Now increase the angle between your legs to 150 degrees." The probe obeyed. Uhura grabbed three vibrators: anal, vaginal, and clitoral. She also took two vibrating nipple clamps from Ilia's extensive supply.
Uhura untied the probe's white terry micro-robe and placed all the vibrators with practiced ease. "Is this another medical evaluation?"
"No, no, this will be *much* more worthwhile than what Dr. McCoy did to you. Although he has a good heart, sometimes his manners cause him to be too deferential to ladies." She turned all the vibrators on.
Immediately, the probe arched her back. Sweat poured from her perfectly-simulated glands. Her nipples became erect, her genitals livid. Her fingers and toes curled back and her teeth bared in rictus. She closed her eyes and screamed, a wildcat's scream.
The Ilia-probe thrashed violently on the bed as she came, and tiny sparks shot from her head and through the wall of the ship. When the probe stopped thrashing, Uhura adjusted the vibrators and turned them up to the next notch.
It took less than a minute for the probe to come again. This time, more sparks shot from her head, out toward the heart of V'ger.
The fifth time the probe came, a huge lightning bolt zapped from her head out through the ship. The probe imploded, belching black smoke. Soon Uhura received a call on the commpanel.
:::boop::: "Kirk to Uhura."
"Uhura here, sir."
"You've succeeded, Lieutenant! V'ger's been destroyed. That last lightning bolt did the trick. You're sure to get a medal for this."
Uhura sighed in relief. "Thank you, sir. Oh, sir?"
"Yes?"
"Could I have a few moments in my quarters to, er, rest?"
"Certainly, Lieutenant. We'll be heading back to Spacedock. Kirk out."
Uhura rolled the charred body of the probe off Ilia's pallet; it clunked to the floor. She then scooped out great handfuls of the Deltan vibrators, gathered them into the bedspread, and took a nice bag o' goodies to her quarters. This was going to be a wonderful day, after all!
END