Why do butches always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our mate frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

Why are butches so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble with your mate.

Why do butches have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

How do butches always manage to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?

Umm... Instinct, natural timing, and lots of practice (not necessarily in that order).

Why can't butches just share their feelings?

Do we look like femmes to you? Why is it so hard to understand that butches and femmes are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel (and could care less)? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, or disgust, we have no idea how we feel. I personally get a little dizzy whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Generally speaking, I feel mostly annoyed when a femme asks me to share how I feel.

Why can't butches cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides femmes) can stand lying around for hours on end? We butches... hunters... Need to go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... On the other hand, sitting on our asses for hours on end is a whole other story.

Why do butches always speak to my breasts?

Boy, aren't we a little proud of ourselves? Maybe we're trying to speak to your heart. No? Well, the truth is that for many femmes, breasts may be the most interesting aspect of their personality. Yes, yes... It depend a lot on the particular femme (and the particular breasts). (See also: Why do butches always neglect one breast over another?)

Why do butches always neglect one breast over another?

It always comes down to personality. There is something unique and special about every breast that gives it its own personality. It's similar to parents telling their children, "we love you all equally" when it's the furthest from the truth. Besides, it's hard for a butch to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Personally, I suspect that most butches would be much happier with just a single large perky breast in the middle of the chest.

What does it mean when butch say "I Love You?"

1. Sleep with me.
2. Please sleep with me.
3. I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did.
4. What other woman?
5. I forgot to get you a gift.
6. What? I was listening. I was! I swear!
7. Anniversary?? What anniversary? Didn't we just celebrate one last year?
8. Stop nagging me!
9. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
10. PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME!

Why doesn't my butch ever answer me?

We can hear you just fine; we're just ignoring you. We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't butch ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.

Why do butches hate shopping?

Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to butches. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing.

Why can't butches be more sensitive?

We are perfectly capable of being sensitive. We just have no desire to be. Some butches actually tried that in the '80s, but the consensus is that it was a total failure. It turned out that femmes don't really want sensitive butches. Femmes only want butches not to freak out when femmes do something stupid like crashing their car or blowing out their best speakers. Otherwise, femmes want butches that won't think twice before crushing that big hairy spider hiding underneath the toilet.

Why do butches act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't butches stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

You're kidding right? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long.

Why are butches such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... We butches are nothing like dogs.

Why do butches lie?

We actually prefer not to, but femmes make us lie. And I quote, "Honey, does this dress make my behind look huge?" or "Do you really think that other woman is more attractive than me?" When we tell you the truth like we don't want a relationship or that we prefer going out drinking with our buddies, you get mad at us. So we tell you what we think you want to hear. All we're simply trying to do is to please you.

When will butches ever grow up and mature?

Funny you should ask. I just got home from the Butch's Club™ meeting, and we finally had a vote on this issue. It had been tabled for discussion for quite a while, and it was hard to pass because on such serious issues, we needed more than just a simple majority. Anyhow, it was finally passed; and our final decision is "TOMORROW." Collectively, we'll all grow up, be mature, and act responsibly t_o_m_o_r_r_o_w. Tonight we're hanging out with the guys and going out drinking. And no, you can't come along.

Why do butches only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

Why don't butches ever pay attention (i.e. listen)?

Butches actually do try, but scientific studies show conclusively that extended exposures to long hours of nagging and whining destroys the cilia in the Cochlea (tiny little hairs in the ear responsible for hearing). So we tune you out to save our hearing.

What do butches talk about after a date?

Nothing. We don't talk about dates unless we got lucky. Then and only then, the only question that is asked is the attractiveness of the femme in question. This is important for score keeping purposes as it helps to calculate the degrees of difficulty.

Why is it so hard to find a funny, intelligent, nice, sensitive, and single butch?

The answer is actually quite simple. It all boils down to the law of supply and demand. If femmes truly wanted butches who are funny, intelligent, nice, and sensitive, there would be a much greater supply. However, since femmes are actually more attracted to wealth, muscular mass, or butches who mistreat them, this explains the abundant supply of butches that are workaholics, muscle heads, or total jerks.