Stewpot

Jobie Wan: you’re full name?
Stuart: Stewy
JW: no you’re full name!
Fergus: that’s not your full name
S: Stewy M
JW: full name?
S: Stewy emmy
<Much hysterical drunk laughter>
JW: your grade rank or job title?
S: Ohh HEO cobber
JW: and your date of birth?
S: 30th of the 4th ’68
F: Gee your old
JW: and the country of birth?
S: oh Great Britain
JW: any criminal convictions?
S: None
JW: have you ever been involved in espionage?
S: Nope
JW: terrorism?
S: nope
JW: sabotage?
S: nope
JW: actions intended to undermine or overthrow parliamentary democracy?
S: no, you’ve taken this from a security questionnaire
JW: YES!! That’s right
<much more drunken laughter>
F: yes, it’s from my security questionnaire
JW: have you got a broken nose and how did you break it?
S: no
JW: did you really attack Johnny Cigarettes at the European cup grand final?
S: no
JW: what was all that stuff about your pink house in the papers?
S: oh I haven’t got a bloody clue <said very drunkenly>
JW: do you feel sorry for posh and becks?
S: ahh no
JW: is your life anything like theirs?
S: god no
JW: what do you think of new labor
S: it’s complete crap
JW: what after-shave do you wear?
S: I don’t wear one
F: but I can smell it?
JW: did you get hassled from your mum for staying up late and what is the latest you have stayed up?
S: er no and I can’t remember
JW: do you bunk off school?
S: absolutely
JW: would you get back with Nick Mcabe if he asked?
S: oh I think so <said very cheerfully>
JW: do you still like lasagna after I delivered to your house all those times?
S: no it gave me the shits something chronic
JW: right, got any dieting tips?
S: try not to drop the food on the floor
JW: what animal would you be if you could be any?
S: oh I think probably a dog
<Cue hysterical laughter from Jobie and Fergus. See Matthew’s interview for why>
JW: What do you think of the new Oasis album?
S: I think it’s fairly crap
JW: were you and Nick McCabe ever lovers?
S: no
JW: Sure, who is your all time hero?
S: Ohh ermm Winston Churchill
JW: what is the worst trouble you have been in?
S: turning up to work late
<More drunken laughter>
JW: what can you cook?
S: everything
JW: do you rock hard?
S: I should say so
<Fergus starts laughing to herself>
JW: what song describes you best?
S: Rule Britannia
<Much more drunken laughter>
JW: what is your greatest talent?
S: picking my nose
JW: what is your most treasured possession?
S: my intelligence
<More drunken laughter>
JW: what would you do if you were invisible for the day?
S: shaft everyone in sight
JW: thank you Stuart
S: cheers.