whats happening outside
'Plane lands on highway'
'A skillful pilot in distress landed his light plane on a Silicon Valley highway in the middle of a California rush hour'. Would you fly with a pilot skilled in distress?
Wednesday 29 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Murderer 'saved' by Santa'
'A butal serial rapist and murderer got a temporary repreive from Texas' death row yesterday after his lawyers argued he was so retarded he still believed in Santa Clause'. So - doesn't everyone?
'Fighting bulls 'on drugs''
So 20% of the fighting bulls are on drugs to slow them down and help the bullfighters. Bloody wimps these matadors.
Tuesday 28 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Mutant Ninja turtles in NSW drains'
'A rare American turtle capable of biting off human fingers has been found in an inner-Sydney drain. The endangered Alligator Snapping Turtle is thought to have been one of eight babies stolen from a reptile park 21 years ago. Another major movie comng up. How many more will there be? How many fingers will they want?
'Doc sued over lost manhood'
'Love has eunuch elected mayor'
A US businessman in Singapore was awarded $100,000 after surgery intended to improve his fertility left him sterile and with shrunken testicles. All is not lost though. In Gorakhpur in Northern India, a eunuch has been voted in as mayor.
Wednesday 22 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Cops return car, and body'
From LA - 'A man was delighted when police returned his stolen car - but not so happy when he opened the boot. For there he found the bullet-riddled body of a murder victim'. The police and car-owner have both denied the killing.
'Crew sucked out'
'An American Airlines crew member who opened the door of a jetliner too soon after an emergency landing yesterday was sucked out of the plane and killed, police said.' Had the captain turned off the fasten seatbelt sign - I don't think so.
Tuesday 21 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Dentist on dope'
'An American dentist was fined after he was caught trying to smuggle 12.7g of cannabis into New Zealand inside two tampon applicators in his underpants'. Baaa
Monday 20 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Plucky Queen killed wounded pheasant'
The Queen has been condemned by anti-hunting groups after she was photographed apparently wringing the neck of a wounded pheasant. This behaviour is obviously why she is still Queen of the Northern Territory. Bring on the republic.
Sunday 19 November 2000 - Sunday Territorian
'Prince Charles in love child claim'
National Enquirer magazine claims Prince Charles has fathered an illegitimate child. The claim has been made by advertising executive Janet Jenkins from Toronto. Is her occupation any clue to the bonafides of the story?
'Bart, Ernie top worst toys list'
'Bart Simpson's slinghsot, Seasme Street's checkup Ernie and a mock military bazooka have made the 10 worst toys list unveiled by a consumer safety group in the United States. the group is called World Against Toys Causing Harm. So what are the dangers - tongue depressors that become lodged in your throat, hearing loss, serious eye injuries and blunt trauma injuries. Ouch!
Saturday 18 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'8 years' jail for cooking his wife'
From London - 'A man who killed his wife and then cut up her corpse and cooked her head was sentenced to eight years jail yesterday. Roger Frisby killed his wife with a hammer, then cut up her body. He threw one of her arms over the cliffs of Dover while his two children waited in the car, then cooked her head. He buried her head at a golf course, but was forced to confess whn a dog dug it up 15 months later'. In case you were not sure what had happened ABC radio outlined the story in three times as much detail.
'Net love then hell'
Meanwhile in Hong Kong, a man thought he had found true love on the Internet. But he ended up being tortured for three days and nights. The only details we got this time were that he was tied to a chair, his genitals were kicked, his lips were burnt and he was made to eat faeces.
'Beauty queen a man'
But the story from Bangkok takes the cake. A contestant won first runner-up prize in a Thai beauty contest. But when it was discovered that he was a man he had to give his prize back in disgrace. He did however want to keep the sash. What about the judges?
Friday 17 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Wallabies on Tube'
Wow - must have been a big thrill. The Wallabies were caught in a traffic jam and ditched their bus for the Tube. The bus got there first.
'Did the butler steal Di's wedding gift'
A new player for Cluedo. 'A former butler to Princess Diana has been arrested over the theft of a $A2.77 million wedding gift to her and the Prince of Wales'. In all fairness, it probably would have got more use stolen.
Thursday 16 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Pet cat enrolled to vote'
Another Australian story to make it to World stage - and you thought it could only happen in the US. 'A pet cat was once enrolled to vote in a federal seat in New South Wales, electoral officials discovered'. It was discovered when a letter to Curacao Fischer Catt was returned.
Wednesday 15 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Aussies watch TV star die first'
Wow. Channel 7 showed the final episode of Inspector Morse in Australia before even the Brits saw it. Inspector Morse dies in the show. Now Brits are whingeing - that's real news.
'Kiss fingered for millions'
Kiss is being sued in the US for millions because a woman claims she was permanently injured when a guitar was tossed into the audience in May at a show. She claims a guitar string wrapped around her finger and caused permanent nerve damage and meant that she was no longer able to use it. Millions for a finger? Yep you can have one of mine.
Tuesday 14 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Bush's drinking a worry: Sheen'
Martin Sheen is concerned about George W Bush being a "white-knuckled drunk". And to think we were simply worried about his policies.
'Beatle boredom'
Zzzzz....... Only 15 people turned up at midnight at HMV London to buy the Beatles latest Greatest hits CD. Zzzzzzzzz..........
'Mobile phones a royal pain'
The Queen has banned her staff from using mobile phones in her residences. Hear hear.
'Fishing for feet'
A NZ fishing trawler caught a human foot still in a basketball shoe yesterday. No-ne has claimed the foot to date. Is this a modern twist on Cinderella?
Monday 13 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Volcano hits balconies'
Well it appears as though Australians in general may not know a lot about what is happening outside. Americans dumped lots of Douglas Fir after the St Helens volcano in 1980. The timber was not seasoned or graded and is now believed to have been responsible for balcony collapses. So beware of balconies. Maybe we could send the US some of our politicians.
'Slumbering plod busted'
Another monumental resignation worthy of inclusion in world news. 'A British policeman has been forced to resign after being found asleep in a police car'. If only such standards applied to politicians (those not on cocaine) or public servants. What's wrong with a quiet kip anyway?
'Goat on run in Adelaide'
It is rare indeed that such a newsworthy item of world importance comes from within Australia. But yesterday a goat barged into a shop in suburban Adelaide. In scenes reminiscent of the future film 'Goat Attack', customers were harrassed. Unfortunately, and not to script, the goat was then cornered in a nearby backyard. The goat was reportedly distressed - sounds just like a movie star.
Sunday 12 November 2000 - Sunday Territorian
'Hero Eel in pool ban'
Unlike his phenomenal popularity in Australia and many other countries, Eric Moussambani is no longer able to swim in the hotel pool in Equatorial Guinea because he is seen as an embarrassment to his nation. Maybe the manager of the hotel is in training to become an Olympic official.
Saturday 11 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'007 Moore in Internet bungle'
'Roger Moore has discovered the details of his Swiss bank account have been accidently posted on the Web'. I presume he was told.
'Kurst survivors gassed to death'
I don't think so. How can you survive death.
Friday 10 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Monkeying around'
From Thailand comes the story of a senior Buddhist monk who left his order after being caught engaging in phone sex. Somehow the order managed to have a tape of the conversation. I'm not sure which was the worse offence.
'Bet of the Century'
A London man, fed up with lack of success on horses, backed himself at 66-1, six years ago, to get to 100. He made it, winning $27,300 for his $400 bet. The only bet I could be sure to win is that I won't make it to 100. Not much fun collecting the winnings though.
Thursday 9 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Dead man enters Senate'
Only in the US could a man who died three weeks ago be elected to a Senate spot. His widow will now take his seat. the rest of page 3 referred to some election in the States, something to do with Bush and Gore. Could it be referring to a Territory picnic.
Wednesday 8 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Brunettes 'most beautiful''
Brunettes are more beautiful than blondes according to a poll of 3000 people in the UK. Andrea Corr came in first with Catherine Zeta-Jones second. Raquel Welch came in 17th. They must have been thinking of some pretty ugly blondes.
'Elephants on drugs'
'Thailand's forestry department threatened to open fire on drug-crazed elephants used by poachers for illegal logging, reports said yesterday'. Apparently the elephants are fed amphetamines which makes them very aggressive and they successfully 'log' teak. There is no truth in the rumour that the NT Government is about to import 500 of the beasts to remove the mangroves at Weddell.
Tuesday 7 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Queen Mum breaks collarbone'
'The 100-year-old royal tripped and fell while unattended'. Not more than a day later and she is out of bed and sitting up. One tough chick.
'Piano a grand gift for a tribe'
Colonel John Blashford-Snell has delivered a baby grand piano to a remote area of Guyana, where a tribe of 190 live in an area the size of Wales. In true Guyanan style the first tune played was God Save the Queen. Shades of the last NT Administrator's inspired choice of songs from the Last Night of the Proms earlier this year. Colonialism is alive and well. And now lets sing Hymn 233 on page 459.
'Boy, 8 , drives at 120km/h'
An 8-year-old boy from New Zealand borrowed his fathers car, driving 10km at speeds up to 120km/h before petrol ran out. Obviously in training to become a future Territorian although it could be argued he has started a year or three too late.
Monday 6 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Brits honour for US director'
Steven Spielberg has won the Britannia Award for Excellence in film. And his quotable quote (not) '(The British film industry) has truly created more than a ripple for the past 65 years. I t has been a tidal wave of creativitiy'. Ho hum.
'US man sues over impotence'
A man is suing a US hospital and a newspaper after his image was used in a commercial for impotence. He has accused the media of 'oppression, fraud and malice'. Wonder how he will argue his case in court?
Sunday 5 November 2000 - Sunday Territorian
'Beauty attacked'
From Moscow - 'A gang leader was jailed for 11 years yesterday for ordering an acid attack on a beauty contest winner'.
'Man arrested after making crop circles'
'A British man has been arrested after being photographed creating crop circles, the intricate patterns which appear in fields overnight and are seen by some as evidence of alien life'. Sounds like a boon to Wycliffe Well and Tennant Creek where there are no problems witnessing alien life.
'3000 flee York floods'
Floods have forced the evacuation of 3000 homes in York. Must be very inefficient housing if 3000 homes comprise only 3000 people. However, the story features a photo of a duck which couldn't be happier'
Saturday 4 November 2000 - Northern Territory News
'Brad still sexiest'
So People magazine still reckon Brad Pitt is the sexiest man alive. He is the first man to be honoured twice by the magazine. What a load of crap.
'Disney tugs Tigger'
A vaguely remember seeing something on the internet about the Middle East and Fiji. But here in living black and white is the real news. From London 'Talking toy Tiggers were withdrawn from sale in Britain yesterday after complaints that it growls the word "wanker"'. Disney thought it said "I'm Tigger" followed by a distinctive growl. But what sort of wanker would complain - sorry I meant what sort of I'm Tigger followed by a distinctive growl would complain.