Country Technology Dictionary

When Hell freezes over

The Ideal Resume

Silly direction labels

Real-life classified ad's

Kids and Science

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Road Signs (a funny JPEG pic - thanks Ben!)

Country Technology Dictionary

Some Modern Terms - Country Style

1. Log On- Makin’ a wood stove hotter.
2. Log Off- Don’t add no more wood.
3. Monitor- Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
4. Download- Gettin’ the farwood off the truck.
5. Mega Hertz- When yer not kerful gettin’ the farwood.
6. Floppy Disk- Whatcha git from tryin’ to carry too much farwood.
7. Ram- That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. Hard Drive- Gettin’ home in the winter time.
9. Prompt- Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. Windows- Whut to shut when it’s cold outside.
11. Screen- Whut to shut when it’s black fly season.
12. Byte- Whut them dang flys do.
13. Chip- Munchies fer the TV.
14. Micro Chip- Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. Modem- Whutcha did to the hay fields.
16. Lap Top- Whar the kitty sleeps.
17. Keyboard- Whar ya hang the dang keys.
18. Software- Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
19. Mouse- Whut eats the grain in the barn.
20. Mainframe- Holds up the barn roof.
21. Dot Matrix- Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
22. Enter- Northerner talk for “C’mon in y’all.”
23. Random Access Memory- When ‘ya cain’t remember whut ya paid fer the new rifle!

When Hell freezes over

How Hot Is It In Hell? (A True Story from a Yale professor)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religion state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Banyan during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you.” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell must be exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not
turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after
heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate
machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet,
eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly.

REAL-LIFE CLASSIFIED ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

KIDS AND SCIENCE

The ideas about science quoted here were taken from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that “The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosives.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

Genetics explain why you look like your father; and, if you don’t, why you should.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

last updated: Sat, 14 Oct 2000