Hollywood has it all wrong. They should just listen to me and they would be making good movies again. Here are ten flicks that I think we, as moviegoers, need to have made:
INDIANA JONES AND THE QUEST FOR THE ETERNAL BONG OF JAMAICAN GOLD – Speilberg finally fesses up to the source of his inspiration for the last 20 years in this highflying, slam bang, action packed epic. Jones, now 65, seeks the fabled bong of Ra Rasta Tutantokum before a group of evil nazis get to it first and bogart it for all eternity. Music by John Williams and Ice Cube.
DEEP INSIDE PIPPI LONGSTOCKING – Not a pedophilic porn film, but a behind the scenes exposure of the perverted German-Swedish filmmaker Olle Hellborn and his crew of dirty old man as they exploit poor Pippi to the fullest extend of a pedophiles imagination in a series of cleverly disguised kiddy porn flicks. Ever notice how she always sits with her legs wide open? Ever notice how she dabbles in black magic and witchcraft? Ever notice her best friend was a donkey? Every notice all those close ups of her pearly white buck teeth? Ever notice how much time she spends in the arms of her drunkard Dad and all his fat, filthy, ale swilling sea mates? Ever wonder why you can’t buy her movies any more? I bet you did. Learn the disturbing, unsettling truth in this shocking, important film of child abuse and neglect. Pass the Pippi, please.
EVIL DEAD 4 – Now that we can do such cool things with computers, it’s about time someone just give Sam Raimi and Bruce (don’t call me Ash-hole) Cambell a hundred million bucks so they can do what they have been trying to do all along; a sick, twisted, hilarious Evil Dead film without the usual S-Mart budget. Zombie slaying stooge Ash battles dark forces somewhere other than a shabby cabin with a chainsaw and a Chevy. Groooooovy.
FRANKENSTEIN VS. DRACULA: 2003 – Arnold Schwarzenegger as the misunderstood monster and Sylvester Stallone as Count Dracula duke it out in modern day Transylvania, leaving a bloody body count to rival even Godzilla. Charlize Theron plays the sexy, brilliant scientist Suzy Van Helsing, who gets herself mixed up in the morbid love triangle between the tortured ugly monster and the greasy, bloodsucking Rambo. Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin blow a $120,000,000.00 devastating landmarks across Europe as the two go at it like Siskel and Ebert on moonshine. For mature audiences onl- aw hell, bring the kids.
WELCOME BACK KOTTER: THE MOVIE – Gabe Kaplan and Johnny Travolta team up with the rest of the sweathogs in the Quentin Tarantino 70’s revival flick. It seems that Horseshack got himself framed as a serial killer, and his schoolmates team up with good ‘ol Mr. Kot-ter and try to bust his sorry ass out of jail before he misses Epstein’s Puerto-Rican Bar Mitzvah.
HOW THE GEORGE STOLE HOLLYWOOD – James Brolin comes out of retirement to play the evil emperor George Lucas in this controversial Oliver Stone film. See how George goes from stoned, goofy nerd to powerful Hollywood billionaire! See how he ate up acres of Clifornia land like a hungry beaver to build his massive empire of top-secret, high tech, state-of-the-art filmmaking technology! See how he masterly squeezes every rust cent out of his poor, disillusioned fans and become the Nexus of the movie making universe!!!
THE ADVENTURES OF WOODSY AND SMOKEY – Weirdo Tim Burton and Pixar Animation team up and bring us this dark, twisted tale that will give children of all ages nightmares for years to come. Smokey the Bear and Woodsy the Owl are our hapless heroes and they must do battle against a mob of Satanic arsonists deep in the woods of Delaware after they accidentally ingest magic mushrooms during a Boy Scout nature walk. Hit songs by Marilyn Manson, Slayer, Eminem, and Smokey Puffy Daddy D.
GOING, GOING, GONE POSTAL – Horror masters George Romero, John Carpenter and Wes Craven finally team up to deliver the serious gory goods in this brutal, disturbing homage to the white collar working man. Disgruntled postal workers Charles Bronson, Roddy Piper, Dolph Lungren, Samuel L. Jackson, Charlie Sheen and Steve Buscemi decide they have had enough of America’s stinking state of ever decaying customer service and go on a bloody rampage that devastates an entire mid western state. Much like Romero’s zombies, hapless innocent civilians are annihilated in grotesque fashion as make-up man Tom Savini uses an estimated one million gallons of fake blood and guts. Unrated, Uncut, Unedited, Uncensored, Special Limited Gold Extreme Ultimate Collector’s Edition Director’s Cut on DVD. Available only at Walmart.
JACKIE CHAN: KICK MY ASS! – The martial arts film to end them all! An aging Asian man (Chan) immigrates to the US and tries to open a Sushi Bar in Queens, New York. Things go array when the local Chinese community, dangerous street gangs, Neo Nazis, the Mafia and the KKK crack down hard and kill his helpless Uncle Wang. Chan swears revenge and bites off more than he can chew. In five amazing fight scenes, Chan gets his ass seriously whipped by just about everyone, including the NYPD and a group of local crack addicts. Chan not only lost an eye, all his teeth, broke six ribs, his jaw, his foot, both hands, and his arm, but was actually killed in a death defying stunt in which he leaped off the top of the exploding Empire State Building onto the whizzing blades of a flaming helicopter. He was chopped to pieces, but the footage was so good and not only ended up being the climax to the film, but of Chan’s overlong, self abusive career!
THE ULTIMATE THREE STOOGES IN 3D – Yes! Finally knuckleheads can rejoice! Digitally remastered, restored, and recut, the Stooges like you’ve never seen them before. Presented in THX in select IMAX theaters only, it’s two hours of the best gags, routines, and beatings by Moe, Larry, and Curly (no Joes or Curly Joes please). You’ll see, hear, and feel slaps, punches and eye gouges galore in this intense assault on both your body and mind that will leave you feeling like an honest to God Stooge. The next best thing is to be tooled on by Moe himself. Don’t worry, there’s always room for a little Shemp. Nyuk nyuk. |
