FLETCH SCRIPT For the first time on the net... Laker Jim's Fletch Won Homepage presents Fletch Fans everywhere the 1984 Fletch Script. A New Section will be added every FRIDAY (This is not for reprint or sale. This script is solely for entertainment or educational purposes only...enjoy)

FLETCH SCRIPT PART 1 - Beginning of Movie (1) to Fletch in the records room (59)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 2 - Gillett waits for Fletch (60) to Poon (80)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 3 - Cops after Gummy (81) to Jim Swarthout (114)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 4 - Finding the Deed (115) to Fletch almost gets killed (148)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 5 - To Cabana 1 (149) to Underhill arrives to collect(162)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 6 - Deed's a forgery(162-A) to Chased by the cops (191-B)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 7 -Fred "the Dorf" Dorfman(192) to The Mattress Police (219)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 8 -Meet Marvin and Velma (220) to Fletch breaks the news (233)
FLETCH SCRIPT PART 9 -Fletch on roller skates(234) to The police arrive(260)

FLETCH SCRIPT PART 10 - Don't call me Irwin (260-A) to The END

Click here to Listen to the Fletch Midi while you read

May 4, 1986

PRODUCERS:PETER DOUGLAS
ALAN GREISMAN
DIRECTOR:MICHAEL RITCHIE

FLETCH

Final Draft Screenplay

by

PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON

From a Draft

by

ANDREW BERGMAN

Based on the novel

by

GREGORY MC DONALD

FLETCH

FADE IN

1. EXT.CALIFORNIA BEACH – DAY 1

   Seagulls squawk, and the waves pound, but we’re not talking about Malibu Colony, here. This is a fairly rundown beach area, catering to lower-echelon surfers, vagrants, and strung out druggies of all ages, several of whom stand or sit on their haunches by a dilapidated old hamburger stand. Over the stand is a faded sign: "FAT SAM’S HAMBURGERS".

   A simple but haunting electronic melody plays in the b.g.

2. INT. "FAT SAM’S" – DAY 2

   Seated just inside the stand on a folding aluminum chair is a chubby man in his late thirties. He’s wearing a stained valor sweat suit and a cap. This is Fat Sam. He’s a dealer. Seated on the sand next to him is Fletch, a rangy man, early thirties, in jeans and a Magic Johnson T-shirt, nodding idly on a battered Casio music machine which he treats lovingly. This is the source of the title music.

   FLETCH

   So what do you figure?

   FAT SAM

   No idea.

   FLETCH

   No idea at all?

   FAT SAM

   Okay. Some idea.

   FLETCH

   Like when?

   FAT SAM

   Like tonight.

   FLETCH

   For sure?

   FAT SAM

   No, not for sure. When it comes, it comes.
   You gonna want some $hit?

   FLETCH

   I think I’d rather have drugs.

3. CONTINUED

FAT SAM

(shakes head and smiles)

Fletch…

FLETCH

Sorry. I find a little humor really brightens

things up around here, don’t you?

A young junkie with a black eye – Gummy – passes.

GUMMY

Hi Sam. Hi Fletch.

FLETCH

Hi Gummy. How’s the eye?

GUMMY

It’s okay. The cops did it.

FLETCH

I know.

GUMMY

They busted me last week.

FLETCH

They bust you every week.

GUMMY

I know. I got bad luck or something.

Gummy exits. Fletch and Fat Sam watch him go.

FLETCH

That kid spends any more time in jail

He’ll have to start paying rent.

3       WIDER ANGLE THROUGH BINOCULARS

---Fat Sam and Fletch conclude their conversation. Fletch walks back among the
---drifters, the nervous, expectant junkies. He stops to talk to a young man
---propped up on his elbows on a towel.    Creasy.

4      CREASY AND FLETCH  

FLETCH
Maybe tonight?  

CREASY
Whaddyamean 'maybe'?

  FLETCH
That's what he said.

  CREASY
(getting desperate)
He doesn't know? How come he doesn't know?  

FLETCH
I don't know how he doesn't know. He doesn't know.

  CREASY
Sonofabitch.

  FLETCH
Wonder who his supplier is.

  CREASY
I have no idea.

  FLETCH
I wasn't asking.

  CREASY
He never leaves the beach, Fat Sam.    Never leaves.
Sits in that chair, he's outta junk.    Then he suddenly
gets up, he's got junk.    So where does it come from?
Through the sand?

  FLETCH
I think that's highly unlikely, Creasy.

  CREASY
(rolls over)
I ought to get some sleep.

  FLETCH
Creasy, how old are you?

  CREASY
Nineteen.

  FLETCH
(a touch of sadness)
You're not taking real good care of yourself.

5        WIDER - BINOCULARS AGAIN              

---Fletch takes his Casio and starts off the beach.    The binocular angle follows
---him.    A pelican crosses the water.    The binoculars move off Fletch and
---follow the flight of the pelican as it swoops low over the ocean.  

6        BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY             

---Fletch emerges into view, walking towards camera, when a Man steps into the
---immediate f.g., the binoculars at his side large in frame.    Fletch Stops.  

MAN
Excuse me. I have something I'd like to discuss with you.

  FLETCH
What?

7        REVERSE

---A trim man of approximately Fletch's age, wearing a perfectly tailored grey
---suit, is standing across from Fletch.    This is Alan Stanwyk.  

STANWYK
We can't talk about it here.

8        MASTER  

FLETCH
Why not?

  STANWYK
Because we can't.

FLETCH
Are you on a scavenger hunt of some kind?

  STANWYK
I want you to come to my house.    Then we'll talk.

  FLETCH
I think you've got the wrong gal, fella.  

STANWYK
I'll give you a thousand dollars cash just to
come to my house and listen to the proposition.
    If you reject the proposition, you keep the
thousand, and your mouth shut.

  FLETCH
Will this proposition entail my dressing up as Tina Turner?

  STANWYK
(unsmiling, all business)
It is nothing of a sexual nature I assure you.
(Takes a thousand in cash from his pocket)
One thousand, just to listen.I don't see
how you could turn that down Mr...

  FLETCH
Nugent.    Ted Nugent.

  STANWYK
(shakes his hand)
Alan Stanwyk.

  FLETCH
Charmed.

9 EXT. BERMAN STREET - BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

---A Jaguar XJ sedan goes up Berman Street, a dead end. Fletch's hand reaches out
---of the passenger window and empties sand out of a sneaker.

10 INT. JAGURE - DAY

FLETCH
I always liked this part of town.

11 EXT. BERMAN STREET - DAY

---The Jaguar continues on up Berman Street, stopping before massive iron gates
---marked PRIVATE PROPERTY -- NO TRESPASSING -- STANWYK. The gates open
---electronically.

12 EXT. STANWYK HOUSE - DAY

---The jaguar goes up the center of the drive toward a white-pillared mansion. The
---lawns and planting are spectacular.

13 INT. JAGUAR - DAY

---Fletch stares out the window.

FLETCH
What a coincidence.

---The car stops before the house.

STANWYK
What?

14 EXT. HOUSE - DAY

---as they get out of the car.

FLETCH
I came this close...
(holds fingers slightly apart)
...to buying this place

---Stanwyk ignores Fletch and starts toward the house. Fletch follows.

FLETCH
Then I found out Hopalong Cassidy had
shot himself in the game room. That
just blew it for me.

STANWYK
Who?

FLETCH
Hopalong Cassidy. Killed himself here.
Bow and arrow. Strange.

---Stanwyk stops before the front door, stares at Fletch

STANWYK
What are you, doped up or something?

---Fletch abruptly changes gears, stares at Stanwyk

FLETCH
I don't work for you yet, assface.
Don't talk to me like that.

STANWYK
(after a beat)
Come inside.

15 INT. HOUSE - DAY

---Stanwyk and Fletch enter. A Mexican Maid crosses.

STANWYK
Buenas dias.

MAID
Buenas dias.

She disappeared.

FLETCH
I commend you on your Spanish.

---Stanwyk doesn't reply, keeps on walking. He opens a set of double doors to the
---left of the winding staircase, then stands to one side, indicating that Fletch
---should enter.

16 INT. LIBRARY - DAY

---Massive fireplace. Everything built in teak. Fletch enters, and Stanwyk closes
---the door behind them.

FLETCH
Ahh, the library. Masculine but sensitive.

---Stanwyk wordlessly goes behind the desk

FLETCH
Really, I love what you've done with the place.
Must have cost you...hundreds.

---Stanwyk turns, looks out a pair of French doors behind his desk, then turns
---back.

STANWYK
Here's my proposition, Mr. Fletcher.

FLETCH
I'm all ears.

STANWYK
I want you to murder me.

17
thru OMITTED
19

20 FLETCH

---Even garrulous Fletch is stopped in his tracks by this remark, uttered in the ---most business-like manner.

21 STANWYK

STANWYK
Here. On Thursday. I'd like you to shoot me dead.

22 FLETCH

---He just stares, barely breathing.

23 STANWYK

STANWYK
The reason I ask you to do me this service
is that I am facing a long, painful, and most
certain death. You see, I have bone cancer.
I don't know if you know anything about bone cancer.

24 FLETCH

---He shakes his head.

25 STANWYK

STANWYK
It doesn't get any worse than that. Just
eats you up, bit by bit.

FLETCH

---Finally regains the gift of speech.

FLETCH
You don't look sick, Mr. Stanwyk.

27 MASTER

STANWYK
I don't feel sick. Not yet. They tell me it'll
start getting bad in about a month. After that...
well, I'd rather not be around for it.

FLETCH
Why don't you try suicide?

STANWYK
My company has taken out a very large insurance
policy on me. And I have a wife. Suicide would
nullify my insurance. Murder does not.

FLETCH
So why pick me?

STANWYK
You're a drifter, a -- pardon the expression --
beach bum. No one would notice if you disappeared.
I've watched you for a couple weeks.

FLETCH
Maybe I'm just on vacation.

STANWYK
Not with the scum you hang out with. I've watched.
I've thought. Its a perfect scheme. I even have a perfect
escape plan for you.

FLETCH
Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to kill you?

STANWYK
I've got fifty thousand dollars says you will.

28 FLETCH

---He chews his lip.

29 STANWYK

STANWYK
Fifty thousand and a guarantee you won't get caught.

---Stanwyk searches Fletch's face carefully for a reaction. After several beats....

FLETCH
I'm still here.

STANWYK
(turns and goes to the French doors)
I want it done Thursday evening, around eight PM.
My wife will be off to the club for a committee
meeting. It's the staff's night off.
(pushes doors open)
These will be open.

30 FLETCH

FLETCH
Wouldn't they normally be locked?

31 MASTER

STANWYK
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The staff
usually forgets.

FLETCH
I have the same problem with my help.

STANWYK
(goes on, unresponsive)
I will be here in the room, waiting for you.
The safe will be open and there will be fifty
thousand dollars in it. You will be wearing
rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?

FLETCH
I rent them. Monthly lease, with an option to buy.

STANWYK
In this drawer....

---He opens the top drawer of his desk

32 INSIDE THE DRAWER

---an enormous .357 Magnum.

33 MASTER

---Stanwyk holds up the gun.

34 FLETCH

FLETCH
A .357.

35 MASTER

STANWYK
Very good. My .357. Use it and no one can
trace it to you. The room will be in some disarray.

FLETCH
So it looks like a burglary attempt. You
catch me. I get the gun, and shoot you.

STANWYK
Precisely. Are you a good shot?

FLETCH
(looking at the huge gun)
What's the difference? The noise'll kill you first.

STANWYK
Get me on the first shot, if you can.

FLETCH
I don't think you'll have to worry about that.

---A beat. Stanwyk stares at Fletch.

STANWYK
Do you have a passport?

FLETCH
Sure, all drifters do.

STANWYK
Fine. After you kill me, take the Jaguar.
The keys will be in the glove compartment.

FLETCH
Take it where?

---Stanwyk starts to write down the information on a note pad.

STANWYK
LAX. Go to the Pan Am desk. There will
be a ticket waiting for you.

FLETCH
Where am I going?

STANWYK
(hands Fletch the note)
Rio. Flight 306. Departs at eleven PM.

FLETCH
They serve dinner on the flight?

STANWYK
It'll be a first class-ticket. I'm sure you'll
enjoy the ride. I would recommend staying down there
at least a year, Mr. Fletcher.

FLETCH
You've certainly thought this out, haven't you?

STANWYK
I am not someone who leaves a great deal
to chance, Mr. Fletcher.

FLETCH
You sure those doors will be open?

STANWYK
Yes. All you provide are the gloves, the passport,
and the aim. I'll take care of everything else.

FLETCH
The gun, the money, the tickets, and the dying.

STANWYK
That's right.

FLETCH
You sure got the hard part.

STANWYK
What do you say, Mr. Fletcher? You'll be doing
me and my family a great service.

36 FLETCH

---thinking it over.

37 STANWYK

STANWYK
Will you kill me?

38 FLETCH

FLETCH
Sure.

39 INT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY

Fletch pushes through the double glass doors, still dresses in a beach mufti -- the jeans and Magic Johnson shirt, Puma sneakers.

40 INT. L.A. NEWS OFFICE - DAY

Fletch is greeted ad-lib by several people as he walks through the cavernous newspaper City Room.

REPORTER
Whoa, check out the beach boy!

SECOND REPORTER
Looking very good, Fletch.

FLETCH
Thank you so much
(to someone else)
Hey, Larry!

Larry, the young "morgue" researcher, hurries over and walks with Fletch. She is fun and flirty, and her feelings for Fletch fall just short of idolatry.

LARRY
Yo!

FLETCH
Can I steal you for a minute?

LARRY
Only if you promise not to return me.

FLETCH
Deal.

LARRY
(pointing to Fletch's T-shirt)
'Magic' today, huh?

FLETCH
Kareem's in the wash. I need a favor.

LARRY
Shoot.

FLETCH
Don't say shoot, okay.

They pass the office of the city editor Frank Walker, fiftyish. Hold on Walker's office. Upon noticing Fletch, he jumps from his seat, edges his way past the two reporters in his office and runs outside.

WALKER
Fletch. Fletch!

40-A FLETCH AND LARRY

They continue their walk.

FLETCH
Did you hear something?

LARRY
Not me.

FLETCH
Me neither. See what we've got on a guy
named Alan Stanwyk, okay? I need it right away.

WALKER
(running up to them)
Fletch, I take it by your presence here that
the story is done. Tell me I'm right.

Fletch hold up a hand.

FLETCH
W-Y-K no 'c.' I'll be down in a minute.

LARRY
No problem, boss.

Larry peels off and Fletch now talks to Walker without breaking stride for his office.

WALKER
Fletch.

FLETCH
Frank, you look a little peaked. Wanna vomit?

WALKER
No, I want an answer, Is the story done?

FLETCH
Uh, almost.

WALKER
'Uh, almost' is not an answer. 'Yes Frank, it's all
done': that's an answer.

FLETCH
(as he enters his cubicle)
And a damn fine one, I might add.

41 INT. FLETCH'S CUBICLE - DAY

A pile of mail is on his desk. On the walls are a team portrait of the Lakers, plus a couple of blow-ups of his column. Fletch writes under the name of Jane Doe. An unused word processor is on his desk, but the keyboard has been moved aside to make room for an old, much-used Royal typewriter.

He bounces some waste paper off the monitor into a strategically placed waste can. (A lot of crumpled papers lie on the floor all around the can.)

FLETCH
Two....

WALKER
Irwin....

FLETCH
Oh, I hate it when he calls me that.

WALKER
Irwin, professional journalism time, now. Go back to the
goddamn beach and finish the goddamn story!

FLETCH
I will, Frank, I will. Something came up, okay?

WALKER
No it's not okay. You have to have this in by tomorrow.
Did you see the ad we ran Sunday?

FLETCH
I never read the paper.

WALKER
...never reads the paper...

Walker goes through a pile of unread newspapers on Fletch's desk, finds the Sunday paper.

FLETCH
What's the spread on the game tonight?

WALKER
I don't know.
(holds up paper)
Look!

FLETCH
Looks great.

42 INSERT - AD

A full-page ad.

NEXT WEEK
A "JANE DOE" SPECIAL REPORT:
DRUGS ON OUR BEACHES -
SHAME OF THE CITY

43 MASTER

FLETCH
'Shame of Our City' is so good.

WALKER
Now, Irwin, try to follow me. You can't run the ad
and then not run the story.

FLETCH
Why not? Oh $hit...really?

Walker just stares at him.

FLETCH
Just kidding, Frank. You'll have the story and
you'll be damn proud of it.

WALKER
You broke it? You know the source?

FLETCH
Practically.

44 WALKER

ready to kill.

WALKER
What's 'practically'? Is it Fat Sam?
You said you had pictures of him....

45 MASTER

FLETCH
I have pictures of him. Dealing....

WALKER
So let's go! We run the pictures.

FLETCH
He's not the story! There's a source behind him.

WALKER
Who?

FLETCH
Well, there we're in a gray area.

WALKER
How gray?

FLETCH
I'd say charcoal.

WALKER
(straining for control)
I'm going to bite out your eyeballs, you know that?

FLETCH
Frank, you animal, I love it. I'll have the story
by Thursday night, I swear to God.
(to himself as he exits)
I hope.

INSERT - NEWSPAPER CLIPPING

ALAN STANWYK NEW V/P
BOYD AVIATION

A photograph of Stanwyk; a head shot. Hands turn the clipping paper. Next clipping: a social page spread on the wedding of Alan Stanwyk. ("GAIL BOYD WED TO ALAN STANWYK.")

LARRY (V.O.)
Everything's recent.

47 FLETCH AND LARRY

Fletch and Larry examine the file.

FLETCH
'Mr. Stanwyk, of Provo, Utah, is a
former commercial pilot.'

LARRY
Married Boyd Aviation. He's no dummy,
that's serious coin.

48 INSERT - CLIPPING - TIGHTER ANGLE

FLETCH (V.O.)
'Stanwyk's parents, Marvin and Velma Stanwyk, also
of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding.'

49 FLETCH AND LARRY

LARRY
(affected accent)
Not our kind of people, you understand.

FLETCH
(points to his back)
Spot right here.

She scratches.

FLETCH
Thanks.

LARRY
You doing a story on this guy?

FLETCH
Maybe.

He pours over some more clippings, then stops at one.

50 INSERT CLIPPING

headlined: "CANCER SOCIETY BENEFIT". A photograph of Alan and Gail Stanwyk, with a gray haired man and his wife.

FLETCH (V.O.)
'...Stanwyk, blahblahblah, with internist
Doctor Joseph Dolen.

51 FLETCH AND LARRY

FLETCH
I wonder if that's his doctor.

LARRY
Only one way to find out.

52 INT. DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM - DAY

Fletch, stripped to the waist. is being examined by Dr. Joseph Dolen, a rather imperious physician.

DR. DOLEN
So where do you know Alan from?

FLETCH
We play tennis at the club.

DR. DOLEN
Really. The California Racquet Club?

FLETCH
Yes.

DR. DOLEN
That's my club too. I haven't seen you there.

FLETCH
Well, I haven't played in a while because of
these kidney pains.

DR. DOLEN
Right, and how long have you had these
pains, Mr. Barber?

FLETCH
That's Babar.

DR. DOLEN
Two bs?

FLETCH
One. B-a-b-a-r.

DR. DOLEN
That's two.

FLETCH
But not right next to each other. I thought
that's what you meant.

DR. DOLEN
Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about
an elephant named Babar?

FLETCH
I don't know. I don't have any.

DR. DOLEN
No children?

FLETCH
No books. No elephants either. No
really good elephant books.

DR. DOLEN
(eyes Fletch curiously)
Still, it'd an odd name. I don't remember seeing
it on the club registry.

Fletch's eyes drift to Dolen's side table with its unnerving assortment of medical paraphernalia.

FLETCH
Oh, I don't belong formally. I've gone with my aunt.

DR. DOLEN
Your aunt?

FLETCH
Mrs. Smith.

DR. DOLEN
Joan or Margaret Smith.

FLETCH
Right.

DR. DOLEN
Well, which one?

FLETCH
Margaret.

DR. DOLEN
Funny old bird.

FLETCH
Is she ever. I've got some stories....

DR. DOLEN
I'll bet. Shame about Ed.

FLETCH
(vamping)
It was. Really a shame. To go so suddenly.

DR. DOLEN
Oh, he was dying for years.

FLETCH
Sure, but the end was so sudden.

DR. DOLEN
He was in intensive care for eight weeks.

FLETCH
Yes, but the very end, when he actually died,
that was extremely sudden.
(quickly)
You know, Alan and I were recently speaking of
dying. Told me Boyd Aviation took out a lot of
insurance on him. You must have to be in some kind
of perfect health to get that kind of policy.

DR. DOLEN
Bend over and drop your pants, Mr. Babar.

FLETCH
Oh really, there's no need to --
we don't want to do that....

DR. DOLEN
Just relax....

FLETCH
Honest, I feel fine. You better be married.

Fletch looks alarmed as Dolan pushes him into position. Dolan puts on a plastic glove.

53 CLOSE - FLETCH

FLETCH
Did I say 'kidneys'? I meant my ear. Maybe I
should see an ear dahhh --
(as Dolan starts to probe from behind)
Ever serve time?

DR. DOLEN
Breathe easy....

FLETCH
Anyway, I'm surprised Alan got the policy so easily.
I know there's a history of cancer in the family.

DR. DOLEN
(noncommittally)
There is?

FLETCH
Whoa, look out there. You really need the whole fist?

DR. DOLEN
Just relax.

FLETCH
(reacts to a poke)
Gee, Alan's been looking kind of sick lately.
Is he all right?

DR. DOLEN
I can't discuss another patient. You know that.
(rising into frame and washing up)
Well, I can't find anything wrong with you.

FLETCH
I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking. Maybe
I should get a real complete physical. You give
Alan an annual, don't you?

DR. DOLEN
Yeah, we check you into Mt. Hebron for a few days,
run lots of tests, charge a bundle. You can pull
your pants up now.

FLETCH
I hope they still fit. Do I get to keep the glove?

DR. DOLEN
Tell the nurse when you've got a few free days. She'll
make all the arrangements.

FLETCH
Thanks, Doc. Maybe I'll come back with a date.
Or an elephant.

54 INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Fletch is dressed in shorts, a clean shirt, and is carrying a doctor's bag. He is wearing a stethoscope around his neck , has a beeper on, a lot of pencils and other doctor gadgets. He's standing at the directory

55 DIRECTORY

Combing it with his eyes, he sees the directory:

PATHOLOGY - THIRD FLOOR
B. ROSENSTIEN, M.D.
H. ROSENBLATT, M.D.
P. ROSENWOHL, M.D.

Fletch goes to a door marked "Stairs."

56 INT. STAIRWELL - DAY

Fletch abruptly empties his doctor's bag and puts on a long green gown, a cap and a face mask. He plugs the stethoscope in his ears, removes miscellaneous file folders filled with papers, closes the bag, and heads for Pathology.

57 INT PATHOLOGY DEPARTMENT - DAY

It's at the end of a long hall, and adjacent to the Autopsy Room and the Pathology Records Room. Over his shoulder we can see into the autopsy room where a gowned doctor is happily performing an autopsy.

RECORDS NURSE
(to Fletch)
Identification please.

Fletch hastily fumbles through his wallet, deftly dropping and picking up the papers he has brought with him.

FLETCH
It's me doctor Rosenpenis. I just have to take
another peek at Alan Stanwyk's file. What have
they done with this place?

RECORDS NURSE
(confused at all his activity)
Nothing. They're still there.

FLETCH
Right. Fine.

Still dropping and picking up, shuffling and collating, Fletch starts toward the Files Room, when the doctor performing the autopsy yells at him.

PATHOLOGIST
Hey you!

Fletch stiffens and turns around.

PATHOLOGIST
Give me a hand for a second would you doctor?

Fletch hesitates.

PATHOLOGIST
Come on, come on.

Reluctantly, he goes to the autopsy table, and the cadaver thereon, which is covered by a sheet, except for the mid-section.

58 TWO SHOT - FLETCH AND PATHOLOGIST

(Note: from here on we never see the body.)

PATHOLOGIST
(poking around)
Have you ever see a spleen this large?

FLETCH
(trying not to look)
Not recently.

PATHOLOGIST
Grab this, will you?

FLETCH
Uh, I'm not really prepared. My hands aren't sterilized.

PATHOLOGIST
You're not going to make this guy any sicker.

We hear a squishing noise as he grabs something large and wet and plops it into Fletch's hand. Fletch stands there holding something icky out of frame, looking uncomfortably up at the ceiling, the floor, anywhere but at the cadaver or at the stuff in his hand. Meanwhile, we hear sounds of further incisions, and the deflating of an organ.

PATHOLOGIST
You never really get used to the smell, do you?

Fletch's eyes roll up, and he falls to the floor in a dead faint.

59 INT. RECORDS ROOM - DAY - MINUTES LATER

Fletch is on a couch, beginning to regain consciousness. The Records Nurse hovers over him.

RECORDS NURSE
Are you all right, Doctor?

FLETCH
Where am I?

RECORDS NURSE
You're in the Records Room.

FLETCH
I'm fine.

RECORDS NURSE
Can I get you something?

FLETCH
Have you got a make-shift plywood pillory? Heh Heh, just kidding.

RECORDS NURSE
Doctor Holmes went to get you some smelling salts.
He was quite surprised that you fainted.

FLETCH
Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I thought
the dead man was my brother.

RECORDS NURSE
Oh my God!

FLETCH
It's all right. It wasn't him but
that spleen was a splitting image.

He sits up and sees that just outside the glass is none other that Dr. Joseph Dolen, talking with the pathologist.

FLETCH
Oh, God, I think I'm about to hyperventilate.
Have you got a paper bag, or something.

RECORDS NURSE
Yes, right away.

She goes to get the paper bag, and Fletch turns his back on Dr. Dolen to go through the file cabinet. By the time the Nurse returns, he's got Stanwyk's file.

RECORDS NURSE
Here you are, Doctor.

FLETCH
Thank you.

He puts the bag over his mouth and breathes deeply as he continues the conversation with her. (From time to time, we see Dr. Dolen in the b.g. looking over, but does not come into the records room or question what's happening).

RECORDS NURSE
Is there anything particular you're looking for?

FLETCH
My associates did a biopsy on this man recently.
(thumbs through file)
He's supposed to have a melanoma, or a carcinoma,
some kind of noma. Hmmm. I can't seem to find any record
of it.

RECORDS NURSE
(taking the file)
Well, if he had one, it would certainly be in here.
(searches)
Wait. Here it is. Yep. Surgical removal of two moles.
Tissue was benign.

FLETCH
That's it?

RECORDS NURSE
(shows him the file)
That's it.

FLETCH
(reading it)
This was last month. So Alan Stanwyk does not have cancer.

RECORDS NURSE
I guess not.

FLETCH
(very puzzled)
He'll be so relieved.

CONTINUED IN SECTION 2

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