"Thank God I'm Not The Starting QB!"
My name is Mike Register. Keep visiting this website to get all the latest "Inside" info on the pungent...errrr, potent, Miami Dolphins Offense. If you have any questions, comments, or "Inside" info, I can be reached at email@example.com.
TRADE UPDATE After RB Leonard Henry rushed for 85 yards on only 18 carries in this week's loss to the NY Jets, the Dolphins have decided to "Untrade" with the St Louis Rams for RB Lamar Gordon. GM Rick Spielman thought of the idea when he accidently hit the reset button on his Sega Genesis before saving his team in NFL '95. He also plans on Untrading QB AJ Feeley with the Philadelphia Eagles. Upon hearing the news, both St Louis Coach Mike Martz and Philly Coach Andy Reid simutaneouly laughed and cried. (10/3/04)
NON PLAYER UPDATE Cleveland, Ohio resident Lamar Jordan was disappointed for the second time in the last 30 days with the Dolphins. When Dave Wannstedt announced the Dolphins had traded for Jordan, the 46 year old plummer was excited. "I thought I could make this team better," a saddened Jordan said after he was told that Wannstedt made a mistake and actually meant the Dolphins traded for RB Lamar GORDON. The second disappointment came days ago when a rumor leaked from the organization that Spielman was inquiring about Jordan's services after Gordon was lost for the year to a shoulder injury. Jordan called up the Dolphin's front office, only to find out that Spielman was interested in NY Jets RB LAMONT Jordan. Lamar Jordan is considering legal action against the Dolphins for emotional distress. (10/01/04)
EXTORTION UPDATE I, Mike Register, agree to cease and desist criticizing the Miami Dolphins through this website and any public forum for a payment of only $31,000 from Dave Wannstedt, Rick Spielman, Wayne Huiyzinga, any offensive player of the Miami Dolphins (and more than a few could be considered offensive), and/or anyone willing to give me $31,000. Payment can be made via PayPal to the email address firstname.lastname@example.org. I would like to point out that this would not be considered extortion, as you are buying all content on this website and my personal opinion, as well as any independant thought I may have concerning the Miami Dolphins. For an extra $200,000, I will vote for whoever you want in the Presidential Election. (9/30/04)
FIGHT CLUB UPDATE Rumor has it that a fight errupted a few hours ago in an airport bar between Dave Wannstedt, Rick Spielman, New England coach Bill Belichick and GM Scott Pioli. The fight started when, after having more than a few rounds, Spielman lamented that, "no matter who I trade for, the guys just don't fit into our system." Wannstedt added that, "I just can't get these guys to do what I want them to do." Belichick replied, "A good coach does what it takes to win. Even if that means passing the ball ten times in a row." The fight was broken up when a security guard came after Wannstedt and his mustache with an electric razor. Unfortunately for Spielman, he did not fair so well, even after yelling before the fight, "You think my brother, former All-Pro LB Chris Spielman, could hit, you ain't seen nothing yet!" When hearing the news, boxing promoter Don King simutaneously laughed and cried. (9/30/04)
LATEST RUMOR QB Jay Fiedler was very cocky and arrogant at today's practice, according to an anonymous source. After third string CB Jimmy Wyrick almost picked off a floater from Fiedler, the QB when on a rant. "I put some heat on that pass b**ch! You can't catch my sh*t! Ain't nobody better than me. Not Damon Huard, not Ray Lucas, not Brian Griese, not AJ Feeley! I'm the sh*t n*gga!" Over on the sidelines, third string QB Sage Rosenfels could be seen simutaneously laughing and crying. (9/29/04)
PLAYER PROFILE Starting FB Doug Easlick is a rookie free agent from Virginia Tech. He received his degree in Hydrological Rehydration Engineering in six years. Easlick was surprised when he received a call from the Dolphins to tryout for the team, considering he was only the water boy for the Hokies. GM Rick Spielman spotted him a few years ago when Spielman and a few scouts where watching Mike Vick practice. "Easlick was the real star. He showed great speed and agility delivering the water to the players. It was great," gushed Spielman to our Insider. (9/29/04)
HIGH POWERED OFFENSE UPDATE Only one of the 117 Division IA College Football teams are averaging less yards per game (209) then Miami's 219.3: Marshall. When asked about this, a source inside the organization said, "That means we could have beaten Troy, Ohio State, and Georgia, right???" (9/29/04)
ANNOUNCEMENT Coach Dave Wannstedt announced today in a press conference that the team is only one player away from winning the Super Bowl. "One QB, one LT, one RT, one LG, one RG, one C, one RB...." (9/29/04)
NFL DRAFT UPDATE Inside sources tell us GM Rick Spielman has begun scouting college QBs for next year's draft. One prospect high on Spielman's list is North Texas QB Andrew Smith Jr. Spielman told our insider that Smith has a "live arm." (9/28/04)
FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATE Coach Wannstedt's Fantasy Team is now 3-0 after beating Pittsburgh in hurricane weather 48-0. RB Ricky Williams ran for 300 yards and Jay Fiedler added another 150 passing yards, with no interceptions. All 48 points came off of Olindo Mare field goals. (9/28/04)
LATEST RUMOR!!! Word has it that GM Rick Spielman has offered LB Eddie Moore, San Diego DB Jamar Fletcher, and WR David Boston to the Kansas City Chiefs in exchange for HB Larry Johnson. Spielman believes the trade would be great for both teams, as Miami would recieve the tough inside runner they need and Boston, Fletcher and Moore would solve the Chiefs defensive woes and give the offense the big play receiving threat they are lacking. Upon hearing the news, KC Coach Dick Vermiel simutaneously laughed and cried. (9/28/04)
ROSTER UPDATE Coach Dave Wannstedt believes so strongly that Kicker Olindo Mare will redeem himself for last year's missed field goals against New England that he has already named Mare the starting QB for the October 10th game at Gillette Stadium. Upon hearing the news, NE Coach Bill Belichick simutaneously laughed and cried. (9/28/04)
LATEST RUMOR!!! The Dolphins are expected to sign LL Cool J this week. Coach Wannstedt was impressed with his running ability in the movie "Any Given Sunday." LL Cool J also played a football player on his own lame sitcom, so he should fit in with the Dolphins Offense. GM Spielman is currently attempting to contact the Miami Sharks to work out a trade for the "Cool J." (9/28/04)
SMARTEST RB EVER UPDATE If the Dolphins can't solve the running game problems by the highly anticipated showdown November 14 with BYE, Wannstedt and Spielman will inact what is known within the organization as "Blunt Plan B" to lure RB Ricky Williams back to the team. From what we have been able to find out, the plan involves tying a bong to a long, long piece of string, dangle in front of Williams, and slowly lure him back to the Dolphins facilities. Originally Jay Fiedler was going to be the one pulling the string, but much to Wannstedt's chagrin, Spielman has opted to go with unproven string-puller AJ Feeley. (9/28/04)
BEST QB EVER UPDATE Former Dolphins QB Dan Marino has been awoken late the last three Sunday nights by the phone ringing. When answered, all that can be heard on the other end is uncontrollable sobing and mumbles of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please come back." No word yet on who the caller could be. (9/28/04)
DOLPHINS TEAM FUN UPDATE The Dolphins Defensive players have affectionately come up with nicknames for the Offensive Lineman. They include Wade "Dwight Freeney's Bag Boy" Smith, John "Revolving Door"St Clair, Damien "My ankle is broken but I'm still better then Mark Dixon" Mc Intosh, Seth "Stop touching my ass" McKinney, Vernon "Can I get another year of College Eligibilty" Carey, and Taylor "Goddamnit block someone mother fucker!!!" Whitley. (9/28/04)
FORMER PLAYER UPDATE Former Dolphins Offensive Linemen Mark Dixon, Tim Ruddy, Todd Wade, Jamie Nails, Todd Perry, Brent Smith, Kevin Donalley, Keith Simms, and Richmond Webb have all been awoken the last three Sunday nights by the phone ringing. When answered, all that can be heard on the other end is uncontrollable sobing and mumbles of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please come back." No word yet on who the caller could be. (9/28/04)
STAT OF THE WEEK Through two and a half games, AJ Feeley has passed for a total of 523 yards. Dan Marino once passed for 521 yards in ONE GAME. Still wonder if Wayne Huizenga considers Feeley the next Dan Marino?
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