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| Afterward..... |
| A couple of weeks after the funeral, my son and daughter came to me and said that they really wished they had a few mementos of Josh. My kids are incredibly close, and the loss of their brother had devastated them. It was especially hard for my son Chris, Josh was his baby brother, and they were the best of friends. For Kim, my daughter, Josh had always been her "protector", her big brother who would chase away bullies, and since they were both "the babies", they had a special bond. I tried to think of things to give them, but I realized that what I had was the usual "mother stuff". Photographs, diplomas, etc. He had taken all of his personal things to his girlfriends apartment. My daughter in law Heather, (Chris's wife) told me that Chris was inconsolable. He was not sleeping at all, and yet working all day, he was wearing himself down to nothing. She said Chris would really like to have Josh's guitar. She felt if he had it, he might start to feel a little better. Understand that both of my son's played guitar, and did the "garage band" thing together since they were young, along with their friends. It was a personal thing that the two of them shared, so many of Chris's happy memories were connected to he and his brother playing music together. She said he was literally making himself sick over it. I think he felt if he held it and played it, that he would be able to feel Josh, and somehow keep him with him. I phoned Josh's girlfriend and asked her if she would please get together just a few of Josh's things for us. I told her how important it was to the kids, and to me. Understand, I only asked for things like a ballcap, or a wallet, just some small personal things of no value other than sentimental. I explained to her that Chris was not sleeping, and how much he'd like to have Josh's guitar. She flat out told me no, and told me I was a terrible person to call and ask her such a thing. I was speechless. I tried to reason with her and explained that Josh had taken his personl things to her apt., and that mementos were important to a family after losing a child. I said "Couldn't you just pick a day that we could come by and maybe look at Josh's stuff together? We certainly don't want everything, just a couple of small mementos, this is not a lot to ask." Still she told me no. I was beside myself. All I could think of was I am his mother! How can you be so cruel or so selfish to tell me no? I assured her I wanted nothing of value, if that was what she was worried about. Any small thing. She said she just wasn't ready to part with anything, and didn't know if she ever would be. I begged for something for my kids, and she said all of you should wait. I told her again that Chris was so sad that no one could console him, and the only thing he wanted was his brothers guitar. She told me "Well, I don't see how getting a guitar will solve all that, and besides I am thinking of taking lessons....". I won't even go into all of it, but she said many hurtful things to me during that conversation. It was as though she wanted to block out the fact that Josh ever had a family before he met her. She was treating me as though I were an old girlfriend or something, certainly not treating me as Josh's mom. I was so crushed. If you have lost a child, you know you want to hold their shirt or pillow or something that has their smell on it, I'd have been happy with a pair of stinky old socks. She eventually gave Chris the guitar (she had to be shamed into it). To my daughter Kim, all she sent was the shirt Kimmy had given Josh for Christmas. She has never sent anything for me. It has been 9 months now. I have given up hope that she ever will. I can only pray that one day when she falls in love with someone new, as she eventually will, and her life goes on, that she will return my son's things, and not simply throw them out because of pride. I guess I should have known, the evening after the funeral her family was getting ready to leave my house, and she and her mom stopped and asked me if I had the funeral registry(the book everyone signs at the funeral). I said yes, it was with the things I'd brought home from the funeral parlor. They both stood there looking at me as if to say "Well, go get it and give it to me". I thought they can't be serious. I simply said "Yes I have it." Her mother said "Well, I'm glad she at least got her flowers, so she doesn't have to go home completely emptyhanded". Did they really expect me to give my son's funeral book to a young girl who in a couple of years will have a whole new life? I'm not sure why I have told you all of this, other than it is a great source of pain to me. When I want to hold something that was Josh's, all I have to look at is a tiny box of things from his funeral. I leave the box untouched. I cannot bear to look at them. Have any of you gone through something like this? |
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