By Matt Forge

Washington (FP) -- Alleged presumed possible Democratic presidential hopeful nominee candidate and former Vietnam veteran war hero John Kerry had to be rescued from a sweltering black hearse yesterday by a couple of girl scouts who heard the man screaming and pounding from inside the vehicle as they passed by it. Apparently the Massachusetts senator was placed there, unbeknownst to himself, and couldn't figure his way out.

Kerry gives his side of the story: "I remember leaving Reagan's casket after paying my respects. As I walked back to my SUV, er... car... I began to ponder my campaign strategy. The more I thought about it the more despondent I became. I had to lie down, so I stretched out onto a concrete bench next to the motorcade. The rolling clouds overhead soothed my nerves. I saw one that looked like a crown with an eagle on it and it boosted my spirits a little.

But as I closed my eyes, the daunting reality of what was currently taking place overwhelmed me. Here I was at a Republican president's funeral that was being compared to John F. Kennedy's, and (President George W.) Bush is being compared to Reagan. I soon realized that this was going to rob me of my JFKness and place it (the JFKness) onto Bush - much like the Robin Hood program for school funding. My strategy had been taken away without any hopes of retrieving it back. I mean, how on earth could I top a presidential funeral?!

The next thing I know I wake up in a locked hearse."

Further investigation has revealed that two young military personnel passing by mistook him for the dead president and felt it their civic duty to place what they thought to be the decomposing body in finely tailored black suit back into the hearse. "We even felt for a pulse. And the cold clammy skin convinced us that it was him (Reagan)."

As Kerry quickly exited the vehicle (knocking down one of the girl scouts), he scrambled around trying to find out who the "F-ing S.O.B.'s" were who did that to him. Failing to find satisfactory answers, he retreated back to his earth-murdering campaign jumbo-jet and, seeking comfort, took a nap on his money stuffed king-sized bed while wearing a mocked-up king's crown with eagle on it.

Don't worry, he's just napping.