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| 1.A Fairy Tale. . . Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.> The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on "Frog Legs", she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so!" 2: TEN reasons why a dog shouldn't use a computer! 10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (Have YOU ever tried typing with paws?) 9. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. 8. Saliva-coated CD-ROMS refuse to work. 7. Carpal Paw Syndrome. 6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. 5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates them. 4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. 3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. 2. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP. 3.Defamation of Character. . . A man is halled into court and is being sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said... "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!" 4. Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers. Enjoy them all! Hi. This is (YOUR NAME): If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." "This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's probably you." 5.: Two Scottish nuns go to America Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?" 6.: Escaping from a lion. . . Two guys in jungle, come round a crner and meet a lion head on pawing the ground. One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion. 2nd guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun that lion". 1st guy says: "It's not the Lion that I have to outrun"! 7: Conversation between GOD and Adam. . . It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so. "Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely." Adam said nothing in response. "So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!" Adam just looked puzzled but interested."This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes." Adam looked grateful. "This person, "said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks." Adam looked thoughtful. "This person, "emphasized the Lord,"will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!" Adam really looked relieved."And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness." Adam was really impressed and finally spoke. "O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," said the Almighty. "Well," Adam then said, "So what can I get for a rib?" .:8: For Chocolate Lovers! If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. 9.So Cold In my country, winter is so cold that when you want to wash your hands, you have to keep your gloves on. Punctuation An English teacher wrote the words 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and told his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' The women wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.' Not Yet! We recently asked an old man if he had lived in his village all his life. He replied with a simple 'Not yet'. Dirty Mind A woman tells her husband that he has got a dirty mind. 'That is because I do not change it as often as you do', he told her. One Way I went to the travel agent and asked for a round the world ticket. I was surprised when the travel agent asked if I wanted a one-way ticket or a return ticket. 10..Impossible The police stopped a man because he was driving too fast. When they told him that he had been driving at 120 KPH he told them that was impossible because he had only left home twenty minutes before they stopped him. 11.Yesterday A husband got home after a long party and found the following note: The day before yesterday you came home yesterday and yesterday you came home this morning. So today if you come home tomorrow, you will find that I left yesterday. 12..Silly Mother A boy opened a letter from his mother, it read: Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read very fast. Your father has a new job, he has five hundred men under him, he works at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby yesterday but I haven't found out if it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle yet. Mother PS. I was going to put some money in this letter but I have already sealed the envelope. 13.Worried When we asked a man why he looked so worried, he said, 'I went to see the doctor and he told me to take these pills for the rest of my life.' We told him that many people are in that situation and there wasn't much to worry about. 'You don't understand.' he said. 'The doctor only gave me six pills. That is why I am worried.' 14.Poor Mum A four-year-old was watching his mother cook and asked her: 'Mum, where did you work before you got this job with us?' 15.Pilot A pilot went for a check-up at the doctor's and one of the questions the doctor asked him was: 'When was the last time you made love?' 'Nineteen fifty-eight,' he answered. 'That was a long time ago, wasn't it?' the doctor said. 'Not really! It is only 21.15 now,' he replied. 16.Widow What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow!! .17.Died in his sleep He is smiling because he died in his sleep and he doesn't know that he is dead yet. But when he wakes up and finds out, the shock will kill him. 18.Infrequently A man was at the doctor's and was asked: 'How often do you have sex?' 'Infrequently.' he answered. 'Is that one word or two?' 19.Speechless I was so surprised by my birth that I was speechless for about eighteen months. |
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