The Blue Monkey Saga
By Fred Bonset and Oren Bern
"Jiminy Crinkle" cried Blue Monkey. "How can I ever permute my emerald, when your throat is scarlet?" "blllluck" said the kyloe. And he was right, you know! Blue Monkey temerariously grabbed his invertebrate wuul, so he at least could take care of the zygodactyl in a lopulous manner. But lopulization would have to wait, as the kyloe insisted upon a round of checkers (Brezhnev's Vespa variant). Blue monkey was a rather gregarious checkers player, but he had to flouf to the kyloe's demands, as the scarlet eusaphogus was giving him appendicitis. The game started as the kyloe moved an equine apple from a nearby rosebush to the exact center of the zygodactyl's left eye. The zygodactyl reacted violently, "Au....." " Why did you do that for?" cried the zygodactyl. "now I have to sudatore your lower back-bone" The kyloe stopped playing and scratched his romper. He nodded to Blue Monkey; "Let's just sepulchral this beast" Blue Monkey- who was behind on the Brezhnev's Vespa variant- tenaciously reached for his invertebrate wuul, put a sock over it's eyes, dressed himself in his best nainsook and RAN FOR IT!!! He got till Nun-Dangortheb before he was stopped by a glop agent, who demanded to see his glop certificate. Unfortunately blue monkies aren't issued glop certificates, and the agent was forced to take drastic measures: He took the wuul and tlackily shaked it until the sock came off. Then he said, You pfeefling. Don't you know we, Nun-Dangorthebians can't stand wuuls. And monkies in nainsooks without a glop-certificate are usually cooked with mustard sauce". Blue monkey crossed his ears for a bit, tinkered with his jojo and hastily stammered: "B-But; Mr. glop-agent, sir....I just came here to niggle an ystorhorn. It's very important and the whole future of Nun-Dangortheb, yes, even the whole future of Bolwerre, depends on it" The glop-agent replied, "yes, well, we haven't cooked a monkey in a nainsook in a while, let alone in mustard sauce, and I for one am getting awfully klowry. The future of Bolwerre, you say? How so?"
"JAGOLAPOLIC?!?" the glop-agent shouted. "JAGOLAPOLIC?!?!?! Well, in that case, go right through, and hurry!" Blue monkey hid his smile. His bluff had worked wooply. The glop-agent didn't need to know that the zygodactyl was not jagolapolic, but in fact merely rhab. Rhab zygodactyls are ofcourse very beige, but the glop-agent didn't know that. Saturnine Blue Monkey continiued his journey to Nun-Dangortheb. His wuul was no use and he was terrified to encounter another glop-agent. Suddenly out of the scaur-bushes beside the road an unco jumped out. His beak moved rapidly while saying; "nug! nug! nug! vleer!" over and over again. Ofcourse Blue Monkey knew immidiately what to do. He said to the unco: "!reelv !gun !gun !gun", which made it immediately disappear in a cloud of freltic smoke. This made the wuul extremely happy, and consequently he stuck his head in a bucket and hopped around singing show tunes off key. Blue Monkey was about to throw a fried platypus at it when he realized: Yopuls are trectacly porous!!! "Oooogggg!!" he screamed. "Yopuls are trectacly porous!!!" The wuul reacted violently by singing show tunes even further off key, but Blue Monkey didn't care. zygodactyl!!! he though, over and over again, until it suddenly dawned on him he could fill the holes of Yopuls with chewed out bazookas. He snatched the bucket of the wuul, who was in the middle of singing "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love wuuls tomorrow" and told the wuul to go to the nearest wee bazooka shoppe and buy all availabe ones. "Make sure, you fake Annie, to take the next orlop on the right, the one near the osier. That will lead you to the wee bazooka shoppe. And...... keep chewing on the way back !" Blue Monkey saw the wuul leave, still mumbling "singing in the rain" and figured he might as well bend spoons with his mind while he waited. So he looked around for a spoon, but instead found a rather ployous beetle, hatchily trying to fly. So he blew on it, and it turned into solid gold, as ployous beetles tend to do. Unfortunately, Blue Monkey knew nothing about gold, and soon lost interest. The beetle was later found by a fox and used to buy shares of Microsoft, but that's a different story. In any case, the wuul soon returned, its hoppo overflowing with chewed bubble gum. "Calloo! Callay!" chortles Blue Monkey, and settled down to the task of Yopul repairing. Suddenly, to his dismay, he heard the screech of the zygodactyl; "hreeeeew hreeeeew, mek mek" Blue Monkey dropped his chewed out gum, hid the trectacly porous Yopul in the nearest elm, grabbed the still singing wuul and reached for his toupee. "Don't come any nearer" he shouted to the zygodactyl. "this toupee is loaded and ready" in the meantime he tried to put a sock over the wuul again, who was merrily singing :"When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars Then peace will guide the planets And love will steer the stars This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius The age of Aquarius Aquarius! Aqua..........". There. The sock worked. The zygodactyl looked a bit surpised at the sudden silence and the loaded toupee. He was expecting to be greeted by another zygodactyl (a friend of his by the name of GgGgG) and therefore was very hokulous at meeting Blue Monkey instead. "Oh well," he thought, and left, not before blowing Blue Monkey a kiss. Blue Monkey was now completely confuzzed. He had just wanted a pink emerald, and look what had happened! His wuul had gone insane, a zygodactyl was flirting with him, and he had lost a game of checkers to a kyloe. Suddenly, he realized: that was exactly what had happened in the Holy Book of Tookie-Tookie-Loo-Loo! That meant that he, Blue Monkey, was the Fhafi Prophet Guy! It was the best thing that could have happened to him. He, an ordinary Blue Monkey; The Fhafi Prophet Guy !!
Finally after travelling many Volvo-years (meaning, of course, the distance a Volvo travels in a year), Blue Monkey and his wuul (who had since been freed of his sock after promising to be phopho) reached the Gates of the Emerald Kingdom, or GEK. "Good morning," said GEK. "Please enter your password." Blue Monkey was not deetered, he leafed through the Holy Book of Tookie-Tookie-Loo-Loo and found a page reading: "Password" This must be it, Blue Monkey thought. He told the GEK; NODRREEF and pushed a vim. Immediatly the GEK creaked open and Blue Monkey and the still phopho wuul entered. He said "ququ" to the Gek, because he was a decent Blue Monkey. He was a bit surprised when the GEK answered: "lyyyyyyf" , but he realised not everyone had had a good upbringing. In the distance Blue Monkey saw the Really Big Pile of Stuff (or RBPS -- the Emerald King was fond of acronyms). Blue Monkey, who had been reading in the Holy Book as he travelled, knew immediately what the RBPS was for -- the lost, broken, and gtolured objects of the world were collected by a team of geckos and brought here for safekeeping. "My pink emerald is here, or I'm a rabid dingo-puffin," thought Blue Monkey and walked towards it. But the RBPS was a dangerous place, and soon Blue Monkey and his wuul came upon a gecko, armed with an impressive and mean looking simnel-cake. "Hebold !" said the gecko, "this is an rageout!. Legs up and spread your hands !" "I'm the Fhafi Prophet Guy" Blue Monkey answered with dignity. "MY OH GOD, IT'S THE PROPHET GUY FHAFI, MY OH GOD, MY OH GOD !!!!!!! "said the gecko and died of a mysterious liver disease. "Well" said Blue Monkey to his wuul "if this happens all the time I mention I'm the Fhafi Prophet Guy, there will be many deaths to mourn" He picked up the simnel-cake, cause that might come in handy, and continued his path between the gtolured objects. He was just checking if the simnel-cake was loaded when he spotted a pinkish glint in the distance -- "my emerald!" he thought and ran towards it, dragging the wuul (who didn't quite lersify what was going on) behind him. They arrived qluded and out of breath at the source of the glint. Whatever it was, it was buried under a pile of transparent DVD players. Blue Monkey immediately started digging, using the simnel cake for zotrusion. He was starting to get tired when he heard the hiss of the trectacly porous Yopul he had left in the elm. "My good sssssir, can I help? " asked the Yopul. "We, yopulsss are very excellent in digging, don't you know. Esssspecially after a treatment with bazookas, which you ssso kindly gave to me, before disssmisssing me in the elm" "Hey! ta." Said Blue Monkey. He sat himself down on a DVD player, reached for a bottle of Metheglin -- that some gecko had left -- and took a deep swig. Blue Monkey gave the wuul a sip as well, but the wuul un-pho pho-ed and chanted a song from the rocky horror picture show. The Yopul, who, with his enormous klengs, had digged very deep looked disturbed, but kept on digging. Finally, after many transparent DVD players had been dispolted at the bottom of the RBPS, the Yopul announced that he had found the glinting object. "Ququ most kindly for your help, my dear Yopul. Tell me, is the object my emerald?" "I will tell you," the Yopul getroded, "but firsssst you mussssst ansssswer a quesssstion. I mussssst know: are you the Fhafi Prophet Guy?" "I don't think you want to hear the answer," Blue Monkey said frapily. "Rhab things happen to those who hear it." "Pleasssssse, I must know," pleaded the Yopul. "Are you sure?" said Blue Monkey. "Ssssure." "If you're sure... Yes, I am the Fhafi Prophet Guy." "OH MY GOD IT'SSSS THE FHAFI PROPHET GUY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!" plounded the Yopul and died of mercury consumption. "I tried to warn him," thought Blue Monkey and in the Yopul's pockets. After finding an Asian elephant, twelve cuckoo clocks and a Zygodactyl-themed collectible card game, he finally uncovered what he had been looking for for so long: His beautiful pink emerald! Using the Holy Book of Tookie-Tookie-Loo-Loo and his powers as the Fhafi Prophet guy, he tripulated the moonlight transfusion until the emerald was good as new. "At last, my emerald is ready to be used!" he cried, and sold it, using the money to buy a pair of wooden shoes. |
