[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a 
banquet]

JOEY: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like
      cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.)

CHANDLER: Taste it.

JOEY: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep,
      it's fat. I drank fat!

CHANDLER: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

ROSS: (entering) Hey!

CHANDLER: Hey, mister tux!

ROSS: Why aren't you guys dressed?

JOEY: We have a half hour.

ROSS: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the
      door at twenty to eight. 

JOEY: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get
      dressed.

ROSS: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed
      now.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Okay. (they don't move)

RACHEL: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.

ROSS: Really.

RACHEL: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: How come you didn't come over earlier?

ROSS: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.

JOEY: Hey, Ross, want some cider?

ROSS: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. 
      Make-up's on, hair's done. 

RACHEL: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.

ROSS: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.

RACHEL: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.

JOEY: Glass of fat?

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous]

JOEY: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?

ROSS: No! Do you wanna hear it?

JOEY: Am I in it?

ROSS: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to 
      the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

PHOEBE: (entering) Hello.

ROSS: Hey!

JOEY: Whoa!

ROSS: Wow, hello! You look great!

PHOEBE: Thank you! I know, though.

ROSS: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you,
      oh, you are my star.

PHOEBE: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.

CHANDLER: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, 
          I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before
          men. (to Joey) Get up.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: You're in my seat.

JOEY: How is this your seat?

CHANDLER: 'Cause I was sitting there.

JOEY: But then you left.

CHANDLER: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom,
          you knew I was coming back.

JOEY: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.

CHANDLER: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my 
          seat.

JOEY: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there 
      (points to the bathroom). Soo...

ROSS: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter,
      because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain
      in my head pops. So..

CHANDLER: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really 
          quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!

MONICA: (entering) Hi.

ALL: Hey.

MONICA: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!

PHOEBE: All right all ready.

MONICA: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?

ROSS: That's, that's funny. Change!

MONICA: Hang on a second I just got in.

ROSS: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.

PHOEBE: We could not, would not want to wait.

ROSS: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be
      there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.

MONICA: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look
        at each other)

RACHEL: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit)
        does this look like something the girlfriend of a
        paleontologist would wear?

PHOEBE: I don't know, you might be the first one.

MONICA: Rach, did you check the machine?

RACHEL: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my
        calves look fat. Nevermind.

CHANDLER: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get 
          Up.

JOEY: All right! You can have the chair.

CHANDLER: Really!

JOEY: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers)

PHOEBE: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if 
        I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the 
        guys) Is that too spooky?

ROSS: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel.
      Rach!"

RACHEL: (entering from her bedroom) What?!

ROSS: Nevermind.

RICHARD: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."

MONICA: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old
        or new?!

ROSS: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double 
      beep?

MONICA: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless
        we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call
        him back?

CHANDLER: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really 
          old.

ROSS: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I
      went through the same thing. And you know what I did?

MONICA: Huh?

ROSS: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay.
      (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops 
      her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, there we go.

CHANDLER: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right
          there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right 
          here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's 
          face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't
          get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip
          onto Phoebe's dress)

PHOEBE: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!

CHANDLER and JOEY: Sorry Phoebe.

JOEY: I'm so sorry.

PHOEBE: What am I gonna do?

ROSS: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out
      humus?! What gets out humus?!

PHOEBE: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out humus.

MONICA: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?

PHOEBE: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.

CHANDLER: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.

MONICA: So, should I call him back?

THE GUYS: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops)
          NO!

CHANDLER: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the
          chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.

JOEY: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

CHANDLER: All right! (jumps up)

ROSS: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want 
      you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey
      will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.

CHANDLER: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair 
          sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair!
          (leaves)

RACHEL: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees 
        Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened?

PHOEBE: Humus. I got the humus.

RACHEL: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna
        wear my black jacket? 

PHOEBE: That won't go with this dress though.

RACHEL: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get 
        you out of that. Come on.

ROSS: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.

RACHEL: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?

MONICA: I called him.

ALL: Nooo.

MONICA: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's 
        okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a 
        casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it
        wasn't breezy? 

PHOEBE: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're 
        in such a breezy place.

MONICA: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and
        you can tell me if it's breezy enough.

JOEY: Monica, how are you gonna do that?

MONICA: I know the code to his answering machine.

ROSS: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're
      dialing, you are dialing.

(Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a 
show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins)

RICHARD: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message
         at the tone."

MACHINE: "You have two new messages."

JOEY: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new 
      messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'

MONICA: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I
        got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or
        new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't,
        whatever. I'm breezy."

JOEY: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates 
      the breezy.

WOMAN'S VOICE: (on machine) Ola, it's me, yesterday was really fun.
               Call me about this weekend, okay.

JOEY: Now she sounded breezy.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]

MONICA: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.

PHOEBE: Monica, you don't know that.

MONICA: Well, who's voice was that?

CHANDLER: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his 
          daughter's.

MONICA: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like
        Michelle?

ROSS: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get
      a cab.

MONICA: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.

RACHEL: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If 
        that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, 
        what am I wearing?!

ROSS: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?

RACHEL: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big 
        night.

ROSS: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve
      minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for
      you.

CHANDLER: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in 
          turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A.
          A. Mim, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

JOEY: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts
      to leave)

CHANDLER: What are you doing?

JOEY: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything
      about the cushions.

CHANDLER: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

JOEY: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

CHANDLER: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

ROSS: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.

RACHEL: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me 
        to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

ROSS: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

RACHEL: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of
        these days.

PHOEBE: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's
        wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck)

RACHEL: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.

PHOEBE: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!

ROSS: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you
      doing?

RACHEL: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love
        you.

CHANDLER: We used them as pillows when we went camping.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: (shyly) The sheep.

ROSS: Hey, what you do on your own time...

JOEY: (entering) Where's my underwear?!

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his
      underwear?

CHANDLER: He took my essence!

ROSS: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the
      underwear you're wearing now?

JOEY: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

ROSS: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

JOEY: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another
      man's fatigues.

CHANDLER: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give 
          back somebody his cushions.

JOEY: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to
      you.

CHANDLER: What are you, what are you gonna *show* me my clothes?

JOEY: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)

CHANDLER: He's got nothing!

PHOEBE: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover
        the stain) Okay, I'm ready.

ROSS and CHANDLER: Oh, aaaah!

PHOEBE: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had 
        this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll
        be political.'

CHANDLER: What are you supporting?

PHOEBE: Duh!! Christmas!

ROSS: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly 
      twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows 
      Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around
      any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33,
      I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!

RACHEL: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes 
        should I wear? The black or the purple?

ROSS: Just, just, just pick one!

PHOEBE: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black,
        with the little strappys?

RACHEL: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I 
        should wear pants?

ROSS: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout
      you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying 
      to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any 
      shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they
      match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or
      your earlobes look fat. Okay.

RACHEL: But I...

ROSS: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we
      can go.

RACHEL: All right.

ROSS: Thank you!

MONICA: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta
        see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.

ROSS: It was, it was her voice.

CHANDLER: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.

MICHELLE: Ola! Hello. Hello?

MONICA: Okay. That was her right?

PHOEBE: Definitely.

MONICA: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get
        dressed now.

ROSS: Yay!

(phone rings)

PHOEBE: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. 
        (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to 
        Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that 
        Caller Id thing. You should get that. 

MONICA: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your 
        number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we
        were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know
        how it is, it's that....

CHANDLER: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore
          pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he 
          always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that 
          about?

MONICA: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my
        message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, 
        you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell
        your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with
        this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch 
        always hated me. I'm calling her back.

ROSS: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

MONICA: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)

CHANDLER: They got a phone in there, right?

PHOEBE: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.

(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)

ROSS: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be 
      pushing it a little, um.

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo.

ROSS: You're not going to go.

RACHEL: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

ROSS: How, how, um how can you not be going?

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not
        going.

ROSS: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...

RACHEL: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of 
        my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty 
        kind of mood.

ROSS: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.

RACHEL: It's fine.

ROSS: No, but, your-your mad.

RACHEL: I'm not mad. 

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: I'm just not going.

ROSS: Your not going.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your
      upset.'

RACHEL: No.

ROSS: No, because your not upset.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: About the yelling.

RACHEL: Right, and the humiliating.

ROSS: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: We're good.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. Honey?

RACHEL: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)

ROSS: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)

PHOEBE: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she
        comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just
        getting dressed.

CHANDLER: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)

JOEY: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing
      everything you own.

CHANDLER: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's
          underwear!! 

JOEY: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more
      clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

CHANDLER: Oooo-ooh!

JOEY: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better
      not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

ROSS: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of 
      this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you
      can come to the party!

CHANDLER: Jeez, what a baby.

JOEY: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.

ROSS: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about
      getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even
      gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a 
      jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there.
      Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much
      I want you to be there.

JOEY: You could drink the fat.

ROSS: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.

RACHEL: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, 
        wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds
        interesting.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think you *should* drink the fat.

JOEY: Yaaaay!

ROSS: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you
      mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what
      I'll do.

PHOEBE: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting
        out.

ROSS: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a
      vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. 
      (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts
      drinking)

RACHEL: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!

ROSS: You will?!

RACHEL: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?

ROSS: Well, yeah.

RACHEL: You were gonna drink the fat.

JOEY: Let's see what else he'll do!

ROSS: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler)
      You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and 
      I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! 

(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)

CHANDLER: Stop it. Stop it!

(Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)

PHOEBE: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you
        doing! No, Monica, no!

RICHARD: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.

MACHINE: You have three new messages.

MONICA: Not any more!

MACHINE: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the
         tone.

MONICA: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind
        of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or
        something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your
        machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and 
        um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um,
        I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole 
        thing. Okay, bye.



MACHINE: Your outgoing message has now been changed.

MONICA: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!

MONICA: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did
        something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my 
        period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!

PHOEBE: How did you do that?

MONICA: I don't know!

MACHINE: Good-bye.

MONICA: Noooo!!!!

ROSS: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people.
      Go! Go! Go!

MONICA: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could
        change the message. Maybe they can change his number. 

PHOEBE: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

ROSS: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!

RACHEL: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him)
        Okay, that was about seven seconds.

ROSS: So we're a little late.

RACHEL: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way....

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'm going commando, too.

ROSS: Awwww!!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: At the banquet]

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.

ROSS: Wow! What a pleasure.

WHITFIELD: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite
           impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. 
           Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.

CHANDLER: Excuse me. Hi.

WHITFIELD: Yes?

CHANDLER: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.

WHITFIELD: What do you mean, your seat?

CHANDLER: I mean, I was sitting there.

WHITFIELD: But, you got up!

CHANDLER: But, I never left the room!

WHITFIELD: But, you left the chair area.

CHANDLER: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.