Alien Portfolio

We have received several requests from people whose interests we've piqued.  A horde of letters have been crossing the Potomac River.  They are from people who want to see what we have to offer before shelling out that hefty $0.37 toll, and spend a death-defying thirteen minute riding down a treacherous stretch of freshly-paved interstate.  Well, for the uninitiated, here it is.

Ramajan Stenkywaldermannishuschennglousterzini

From the swamps of Delaware hails the twenty-three foot long Ramajan.  Complete with steel-belted windows and optional coaxial cable, Ramajan has long been a favorite on Flag Day.  And yes we can arrange appearances for those special occasions such as mass and baptisms.  Hobbies include crawling into old sneakers and eating scotch tape and burnt marshmallows.

Omega Taft 2.7

Live via Gameboy, comes Omega Taft 2.7.  We found Omega stuffed in the closet of an abandoned bowling alley.  Omega had been trapped in it for three hundred years and during which engaged in self-education (such as growing hair and regenerating teeth, to writing Espronto upside down.)  When not in the arena, we keep Omega submerged in Cool Mint Listerine to maintain that world-famous luster on all epidermic regions.  Blessed with the miracle of armpits, Omega Taft 2.7 is considering running for dictator in the upcoming Wilmington election.  Specialties include thirty yard fumbles and crochet quilting.

Panzer Tim

Where can one begin?  Panzer Tim was found hovering over a dog kennel in Minnesota.  The locals didn't mind the extraterrestrial presence.  That is until they were surprised one morning to find their houses turned sideways and their animal's heads would fall off (although they remained alive.)  Several townspeople were outraged but even the most devoted Panzer Tim fans changed their minds when the clouds were replaced with swarms of giant forty-foot-long flying worms.  Subsequently this strange phenomena caused the Chalupa Blimp to crash into the Viking memorial cemetery which again unleashed a horde of angry creatures with bad haircuts and weak peptide bonded cells.  After much deliberation FEMA decided to remove Panzer Tim from the state.  We were fortunate to have been carrying a twenty dollar bill during a visit to the local farmer's market auction.  We purchased Panzer Tim and still had enough left over for three corn dogs and a broken watch.

Sa-ton

Captain Smicky

Captain Smicky may well be the sole survivor of the Big Bang.  Apparently the Captain travels back in time whenever sleeping.  Despite this and the fact that there is half a chicken with rotating nipples growing out of the Captain's stomach, customers keep coming back for the Smicky bar all-you-can-eat on sundays.  Besides being an excellent roofer, the Captain is third in a long line of noblemen and obese crayfish.  Other notable accomplishments include being the first "person" to reach -300 degrees Kelvin while wearing shoes.

Once a pauper in the streets of Jericho, now an oil sheik in Maryland, Sa-ton makes weekly trips out here to service those customers who dare show up for Locked-in-the-trunk-of-a-Datsun-with-rotting-dogs-and-a-wilderbeast-thursdays.  Sa-ton has patented several maneuvers such as the "barn door bistro" and the devastating "vas deferens visceration".  When not climbing buildings and eating trees, one might find Sa-ton at Olive Garden working as a bus boy, or modeling the new line of AsbestosWear on the QVC shopping network.

Fuckface

Believe it or not, we hear several customers comment on how much Fuckface looks like O.J. Simpson with a rotting face on top of his head.  After several years we've concluded that Fuckface does bear some resemblence to O.J. but only at the right angle.  Not one for action, Fuckface spends most of the time baking delicious treats for our patrons.  Stop in and try the world-famous uterus bars.  We recommend the cream of lion extract au jus!