Of The Assassin
Oh, hello. It's you, the reader. How are you today?
Silly me for asking, since you can't answer in a way that I can hear you. I
was in the
Renaissance yesterday, trying to save a universe. Here, I'll tell you how it
happened.
As you may or may not know, my name is Oliver. Oliver the Omniscient. I know
everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. Anything that anyone
anywhere knows, I know. Thing it, I don't tell most of this, since it ruins
it for everyone else.
Anyway, to get back on track, I was in the Renaissance to find a would-be assassin
named Joel. He didn't have a last name. I knew that his pocket universe would
end if he pulled the trigger of his new prototype pistol. So I, of course, had
to stop him. I arrived, as usual, just in time. He was about to fire. So I called
to him: "No! Don't pull the trigger!"
In hindsight, it wasn't very bright, because the guards heard me too. Joel started
to run towards me. Then he swore as he heard the guards. To get his attention,
I started running, too, and yelled: "Don't fire your gun, Joel!" It
worked. He stopped for a moment, clearly puzzled, and called: "Who are
you? And why can't I fire my gun?" He dived around a corner, pulling me
with him.
I had to pull my beard out of my mouth. The darn thing reaches to my waist.
Anyway, I told him my name, and that the universe would end if he fired, and
that the readers would be left in suspense. I shouldn't have mentioned the readers.
"What do you mean, read?" he demanded. Trying to cover up, I just
said "Never Mind." Next thing I know, the gun is in my face and he's
asking me again. Well, I'm not one to argue with a man who has a gun, so I told
him. He didn't take it very well, in my opinion.
"WHAT??" He looked at me like I was crazy, then said: "That's
a joke, right?"
By this time, I was rather offended. Here I was, trying to save his universe,
and he pulled a gun on me, then asked me if I was joking. So I replied, rather
peevishly, I must admit, "Of course. I do know everything, after all."
He stared at me. "I don't believe you." He ducked a crossbow bolt.
"Did that look like writing to you?"
I sighed mentally. He was rather dense."Of course not, Joel. We're in the
short story, so this seems real to us. But to the readers, it's just another
story." Maybe it wasn't a very nice thing to say, but by this point I was
mad.
Joel ran out of the passage, and dodged some guards, running for the throne
room. I could tell I wasn't getting through to him. He told me he was going
to kill the king, and asked if he would win. I told him one last time that I
didn't know, because everything would end in that moment. He didn't listen.
"Lies. The universe won't end because I pull a trigger." Realizing
he was headed back towards the throne room, he put on a burst of speed and left
me behind. Trying to catch up, I tripped and fell. The guards ignored me, of
course, and Joel made it through the door. I knew he was going to try to kill
the king, and that the gun was damaged. I also knew that there was an even chance
of him winning or losing. I called to him: "Oh, please!" One last
try. "Don't!!!" But he wouldn't listen to me.
He pulled the trigger!