| Why Boys SUCK! |
| Boys suck! And not in a good way. They're slobbery, they smell bad, and they're sex-obsessed. Not that it's always particularly bad, but don't they think about something else? EVER? Don't get me wrong- I'm a heterosexual female, I obviously have semi-decent relationships with a few guys- but even they appear to have some creepy thing with the fact that *gasp* I'm a female and thus have certain anatomical regions. Quote of the new millennium: "Breasts. They're not that interesting." (I think it's Courtney Love who said this. F'n genius.) Back to the subject at hand (speaking of hands, that another problem in and of itself). They think with their dick exclusively. Why the hell is this? Does it constantly send some hormonal signal begging them to reproduce? If you have back hair, why do you want to reproduce? Get some wax! Get a razor! Enlist yer football/band/gay buddies and have a fest. Another rant- what the hell is up with the no-condom thing? Do you know why they call it the clap? There's a damn good reason, and you don't wanna find out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all about castration at birth, although in a hell of alot of cases it could fix most of these social *cockroaches'* problems... |
| *The Difference Between Men & Women* WOMEN... Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN... Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit. |
| 101 Reasons Men Suck 1. They can't settle down. Its like they have to spread their seed to everyone. 2. All men are such hypocrites! If you're their friend they'll tell you that you need to find a real man and stop falling for such assholes. But when you fall for them they'll break your heart just like the rest. 3. Just b/c it "feels right" means its ok. They completely forget about your feelings too. 4. They rub it in your face that you can't have them. 5. They deny what they said even when they know it was true at that time! 6. The word love isn’t in their vocabulary, only lust 7. "nothing" is good to wear 8. That lovely black gunk under their finger nails from always working on their car 9. The little head 10. Their ego 11. They get jealous easily 12. "Good times" are when you’re in a dark room together 13. They make you want them over and over again, and each time they hurt you like before 14. 20 minutes is enough grieving time 15. their ebonics 16. I love you means I want sex 17. Wanna be playaz 18 Power tools are an extension of genitalia 19. Pants are 4 sizes too big 20. Male pattern baldness 21. They BS constantly 22. The geniuses tell your best friend secrets and expect them not to tell you 23. When they’re w/ their girlfriend they look at other girls 24. Scratch "their stuff" every 15 minutes 25. Smell bad if not drenched in cologne 26. They always wanna get w/ your friends 27. They always call girls bitches 28. Claim everything their’s 29. Everything they do is a competition 30. NO PMS! 31. Circle jerking 32. They have to be all big and bad 33. Always want a 3some w/ you and your friends 34. Cuz they want their BJ but they won't lick us back 35. ::gag gag:: (got it??) 36. The good ones are gay 37. Have a need to be "Mack Daddy" 38. Toilet seat....terrible aim......got the picture? 39. They destroy things lesser than them 40. Take pride in their rude bodily functions 41. They never grow up 42. Leave the bathroom smelling extremely rancid 43. They demand too much 44. Expect you on your knees 45. Some words that are not in a guy’s vocabulary: respect, love 46. They don' know how to say sorry 47. Um hi my eyes are up here, stop staring at my chest 48. They just can't be satisfied w/ one female 49. They don't take no for an answer 50. They’re stinky 51. They’re hairy 52. They have this stupid walk 53. We must not forget their manly tales about stupid stuff they probably never did 54. They think that they’re just the best 55. Guys think they're the greatest creatures that ever walked the earth 56. They beat the crap out of each other for fun 57. Many have no fashion sense 58. You make them feel good about themselves, it goes to their head 59. The way they think their sooo buff and actually a 7-year-old can whip their ass 60. Take advantage when you’re most vulernable 61. Think they could get anyone they wanted 62. Have a problem with homosexuals. They’re all homophobic. Gay's are people too 63. Love and leave 64. Once they find out that you're crushing on them, they act like complete assholes 65. Wait... what am i saying... they're always complete assholes 66. Talk about their masturbation skills in public 67. They act like they can really whoop someones ass, when they do actually fight (if they don't pussy out, which most do) they just end up like slapping each other and stuff 68. Tell every friend how far they've gotten w/ you 69. RAPE 70. MOLESTATION 71. And they get away w/ it 72. If you get pregnant, it's not thier fault 73. Treat females like shit 74. Scot 75. Tom 76. Go for total whores w/ fucking blue eyeshadow!!! 77. If they just break up w/ a girl.... 5 min later their already jumping on another one 78. Thay say they'll call.... but never do 79. Don't talk on the phone, and if they do they only want phone sex 80. Would hump anything with 2 legs 81. Hump anything w/ 4 legs 82. Go after girls that are all hoochified but when you dress like that they make you cover up 83. Want u to pleasure them but won't repay the favor 84. They'll give u their ex girlfriend's jewelery and say that bought it 4 u. 85. Most guys eat whatever they want and don't gain a pound, its so annoying 86. Guys only care about a girl if they're gettin some 87. They let what their friends have to say impact them so much, it influences the decisions they make about everything 88. When they make you cry they think its funny. 89. Ladies, ever heard this one "I'm in love w/ my car, not her." I unfortunately did. 90. They feel "trapped" 91. They bring us down!!! Damn the man! 92. Because GOD supposedley created them first, they automatically rule everything 93. menopause, menstruation... etc..... 94. their not supportative 95. They think their all good, but can't really satisfy 96. Guys take pride in their shit, literally 97. They act all lovey dovey when they want sumtin' 98. Hate Valentines Day! 99. Always try to prove themselves better than you in everyway! 100. They never remembeer important Dates! 101. BECAUSE WE'RE WOMEN AND WE CAN BITCH ABOUT IT |
| Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. All men would still really like to own a train set. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |