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She Thinks © 2002 The air smelled of a combination of sweet and spicy. The
purple hyacinth that blossomed in flower boxes perched on window ledges mixed
with the Mexican cuisine wafting through the restaurant’s open door. Ruby
Wallace sat at the wrought iron patio table stirring the lemon in her ice water
with a straw and waiting for a friend, a former lover. Her gaze lifted from her
glass to the sidewalk, spying the man she waited for. Tall, dark, and handsome.
A beautiful man with hair so dark it almost looked black and eyes the same
color as the jade elephant that sat on her mantle. His assure gait propelled
him toward her, the classy double-breasted suit shifting with his every step. Ruby rose to her feet, the folds of her floral skirt
brushing against her bare ankles in the warm, aromatic summer breeze, to greet
the man she once loved. “Kevin, it’s been too long. God, you look good,” Ruby
said, embracing him as tightly as her slender arms would allow. “How are Lisa
and the boys?” Kevin Richardson looked down into her face, a smile on
his lips but a sadness in his eyes. She had changed. Drastically. Her short
crop of golden hair still shined, framing her face much like a halo. But her
skin looked paler, almost while like chalk, drawn tightly to her features. No
longer did her skin glow with radiance; the signature pink blush missing from
her normally rounded cheeks. But the thing that frightened him the most was her
eyes. Her dark, mysterious eyes had lost their sparkle and became the dull
spheres of someone who’d given up. Who’d abandoned faith and hope. “They’re great. The boys left for camp last week and will
be gone for the next few months. And Lisa is busy with her summer classes,”
Kevin replied, gesturing Ruby to take a seat. He watched her cross one leg over
the other, astonished by how thin she’d gotten in the last year. He grasped her
frail hand in his, stroking the back lightly. “How are you?” Ruby looked away from Kevin’s intense green stare, her
eye following the drifting fall of a white blossom to the ground. “I’m okay,
Kevin. I just take it one day at a time. Today is one of my better days,” she
answered after several moments. “It’s really great to see you,” she added,
returning her gaze to Kevin. “It’s great to see you too.” She can account for all of the
men in her past. Where they are now, who they
married, how many kids they have. She knew their backgrounds,
family, and friends. A few she even talks to now and
then. Ruby closed her eyes momentarily, willing the tears that
formed to disappear before they had a chance to fall. She bit her lip to keep
her chin from quivering as she drifted away into the recesses of her memory. She was never a promiscuous woman. She could count all
her lovers on one hand. She knew everything about them from the age at which
they lost their virginities to their parents’ anniversaries. But she didn’t
know anything about the one who always occupied her mind. Not his birthday.
What his car looked like. Not even his name. But there is one she can’t put
her finger on. There is one that never leaves
her thoughts. And she thinks his name was… John. They’d met at Kevin and Lisa’s 10th
anniversary celebration three years ago. The minute her eye landed on him, she
was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. The rumble of his laughter. The
twinkle in his eyes. And he reciprocated her attraction. Cornering her near the
bar for hours of conversation. The wine flowed like water down their throats.
Glass after glass of burgundy liquid passing through their lips as the conversation
continued. Their eyes oblivious to anyone or anything but each other. Kevin could hear the melodic ring of Ruby’s laughter
across the room. And a smile crossed his face. Perhaps this dark-haired
stranger would bring happiness to his dearest friend. The 30-year-old woman who
wanted nothing more than to settle down with a good man. She wanted the house
with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. She wanted it all. A chance meeting at a party a few
years back. Broad shoulders and blue eyes.
His hair was so black. He was a friend of a friend you
could say. She let his smile sweep her away. Ruby leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on the man’s
full lips, finding herself lost in his depthless azure pools and the his waves
of ebony hair. And he returned her affection, pulling her close and capturing
her mouth with his, leaving her breathless at the kiss’s end. Hesitation swept
across her face when he leaned toward her and whispered something in her ear.
She looked uncomfortable and Kevin noticed. He almost stepped in to help her
avoid a potentially dangerous situation. But as he sauntered non-chalantly
toward her, a smile erupted on her face with a nod of her head. Looping her arm through his, the man escorted Ruby out
the door and into the night air. Kevin watched her leave, hoping and praying
the Ruby knew what she was getting herself into. “Lisa, darling. Do you know
who that dark-haired man leaving with Ruby is?” Kevin asked his wife. Lisa shook her head. “Didn’t he come with Tim?” she asked
in return. Kevin probed around. But it seemed like no one knew who the
mysterious man was. And that thought worried Kevin. She’s okay. She’s a big
girl, Kevin thought to himself, trying to get back in the party mood and
returning to his guests. And in her heart though she knew
that it was wrong. But too much wine and she left
his bed at dawn. And she thinks his name was… John. Ruby rolled over when the sunlight streaming through the
windows spilled across her face, subconsciously stretching her arm out to embrace
the man who slept beside her. But when her arm hit nothing but cold air on even
colder sheets, her eyes fluttered open. The tears filled her eyes as she sat
up, holding the ivory sheet close to her naked body. And soon they streamed
down her cheeks in angry rivers of remorse and regret. She gazed around her
surroundings, not having any idea where she was or when…Christ! She couldn’t
remember his name! Searching under the bed and in the bathroom, she located
all her haphazardly thrown clothing and shamefully redressed. She felt dirty.
Used. And completely stupid. Why did she go home with a man she didn’t know?
She collapsed onto the toilet seat, a flood of tears breaking forth into her
palms. Pulling herself together, Ruby reached for the phone and
called the only person she knew would be understanding and supportive of her
utter stupidity. “Kevin?” she squeaked, trying to hold in the sob that wanted
to escape the instant she heard his voice. “Can you come get me?” “What’s wrong, Ruby?” he asked with genuine concern and
fear. “I don’t know where I am,” she wept. “I’m at that guy’s
house.” Kevin bolted upright in bed, anger surging through his
veins. “Did he hurt you, Ruby? Are you okay?” he asked, seething. Ruby gulped down past the lump her throat before
answering. “I’m fine.” “Find the address. I’ll be there in ten.” And ten minutes later, Kevin found Ruby sitting on the
front stoop of a stranger’s house, streaks of mascara running down her face,
her body trembling from head to toe. Kevin wrapped his coat around her
shivering shoulders and helped her to her feet. “You’re okay, Ruby.
Everything’s going to be alright,” he assured her, trying his best to comfort
his shaken, embarrassed friend. But only a few months later, things changed for her. For
Kevin. For everyone Ruby Wallace knew and loved. She knew she didn’t feel well.
Every time she took a step she felt like fainting. And when she finally did,
collapsing on a customer’s table, Kevin took her to the hospital. “Miss Wallace,” the nurse called. Ruby rose on weak legs
and followed the nurse into the examining room where they drew blood for a
serious of tests. Three weeks later, her dizziness and nausea slowly passing,
the doctor called for her. “Ruby, I don’t know how to tell you this,” he began,
fiddling with his pen cap. Ruby placed her hand on the doctor’s. “Just tell me,
Jack. What’s wrong with me?” Jack sighed. “You have AIDS,” he said, his voice barely
above a whisper. “And it’s spreading fast. And I have no idea why.” Everything after that moment blurred. And everyday after
seemed more important than ever before. Kevin consoled her endlessly. But Ruby
knew she had just been handed a death sentence. By a man who she didn’t
remember. Black hair, blue eyes, perfect teeth, and a soft touch. Her memory
recalled these things. But a phone number, a name. No. Eventually, Kevin moved. A promotion and a transfer that
he couldn’t give up despite his wanting to be near Ruby in her time of need.
And Ruby got sicker and sicker, landing in the hospital for what she once
called trivial things more times than she remembered. With the aid of a new
drug cocktail, she was better. Her life extended. But she didn’t kid herself
with the hopes of a family, a loving husband, and a long life. Now each day is one day that’s
left in her life. She won’t know love, have a
marriage, or sing lullabies. She lays all alone and cries
herself to sleep Cause she let a stranger kill her
hopes and her dreams. “You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?” Kevin
murmured, breaking Ruby from her reminiscing with the gentle sound of his voice
and the soft touch of his hand. “Sometimes, he’s all I can think about,” Ruby replied. “I
hate him, Kevin! I hate what he’s done to me!” she cried, the tears brimming
her red-rimmed eyelids and spilling down her sallow cheeks. “But I hate myself
more for being that fucking stupid!” she yelled, her head falling onto her
folded arms and her shoulders heaving with sobs. Kevin caressed her hair, scooting his chair closer to
hers for comfort. She lifted her face and buried it in the crook of his neck,
her tears soaking the starched white collar of his high-class shirt. “I hate
him too, Rubs. If I could, I would hunt him down and make him suffer for what
he’s done to you,” he whispered. “You’re my best friend, Ruby Jane. How am I
going to handle losing you?” Minute upon minute passed. Hours ticking away. And Ruby
and Kevin continued to talk, console, comfort, and assure each other. But as
the sun set on their day, Kevin bid Ruby farewell. “Call me next week. Perhaps
we can do this again. Let’s not wait another year before we see each other,”
Kevin stated, stroking Ruby’s cheek affectionately. “I will. I love you, Kevin. You’re the only one who
doesn’t look at me like I’m diseased but continues to treat me like a person. I
don’t see the pity in your eyes when I look at you.” Kevin leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You will
always be Ruby Jane to me. The little knock-kneed girl who used to follow me
around when we were kids. The beautiful woman who I loved in high school. And
the amazing woman you’ve become with age. I love you too.” Ruby watched Kevin walk down the street, her eyes misty
with tears that threatened to fall. But next week didn’t make it. And the call
she gave Kevin was not one he wanted. Four days later Kevin was sitting in his recliner reading
the paper while Lisa prepared dinner when the phone rang. “Hello?” Lisa
answered. “Yes. Hold on.” Her voice was steely serious as she spoke with the
person on the other end. Handing the phone to Kevin, she said, “I’ll be
upstairs.” Kevin looked at her strangely, but disregarded her sudden
mood change. But when he heard the struggling breath on the other end, he
stiffened. Every hair on his body standing at end. “Kevin…I need you here.” He barely recognized her. Was
this the same person with whom he’d spoken only four day earlier? “Please,
Kevin.” Kevin raced up the stairs to pack a bag, but found Lisa
standing at the top of the staircase, his black leather tote in hand. “I’ll be back
in a couple days,” he muttered, kissing Lisa hastily before bolting out the
front door. And all her friends say what a
pity, what a loss. And in the end, when she was
barely hanging on, All she could say is she thinks
his name was John. He entered her hospital room, a small gasp leaving his
lips at the sight before him. She looked dead. Her skin gray, lacking any sign
of color. Her body thinner than he’d ever seen it. He took her hand in his and
squeezed gently, letting her know that he was there by his side, and she opened
her eyes. “You’re here,” she sighed. “I’m here,” he replied back, his voice hushed in the
still hospital air. “I’m here until you get better. Or you decide to be with
God. I’m not leaving you,” he added, kissing her forehead. Ruby could feel her heart beat slowing, her breath
getting shallower. And knew her time on Earth was drawing to a close. She
motioned Kevin toward her and he leaned down. With all the remaining strength
she possessed, she tilted up to meet Kevin’s lips in one final kiss. “I think
his name was John,” she breathed before she took her last breath. Kevin felt her hand go limp in his and he couldn’t stop
the river of tears that fell from his eyes. Clasping her lifeless hand in his,
he buried his face in the sterile-smelling blankets covering her and sobbed.
Cried like he never had before. Although he knew he wasn’t, he couldn’t help
but feel guilt yanking on his heart. Thinking that maybe he could have
prevented this all somehow. But drying his eyes, he realized that Ruby would never
and had never blamed her for what happened. He kissed her motionless lips one
last time before whispering his final good bye and leaving her room, stopping
at the Nurse’s Station to inform her that Ruby Wallace had passed on. And her
nightmare was finally over. She thinks his name was…John. *
based on the song “She Thinks His Name Was John” by Reba McEntire * |