diary

Jan 31, 2002

I finally got my prescription for T. It's been faxed over to the pharmacy in San Diego and should come in the mail any day. I had thought that maybe I wasn't ready, or maybe I should put my family first, or maybe I should be happy like I am. But as soon as the opportunity for T was there I knew I had to take it.

I'm passing almost all the time now. Sometimes even when I talk. But the hormones will help to ease my mind. I could hardly sleep last night I was so excited. I can't believe it's really happening.

Anyways, my journal for the next months is going to be based on bodily and emotional changes. I hope that my record will be a help to those who come after me.

Feb 1, 2002

Well, things are really rough. My boss at work seems to be flipping out a bit. And my family is a big issue. I came out to my Aunt Karen knowing that she would spread the word. This is good for me but it's also painful. Now my parents aren't happy about talking to me. I'm so tempted to give up on family.

I'm going to start wearing my binder 24/7 as soon as I get my first T shot.

The pain I'm feeling is just as intense as the joy. It's almost the whole world against me and only the internet on my side. I have been getting a lot of support online which is really helping me to get through.

I'm already looking in the mail every day. I hope my T comes soon. I've noticed a mental transition preparing me for life in the male world.

Feb 2, 2002

Well my family has given me an ultamatum. Them and health insurance or hormones. I got the T in the mail today. I need to ask the doctor about self-injecting and needles and the price of visits without insurance. I should find out if my college offers insurance. Maybe my Dr. will help me out and give me a deal on visits. I'll also have to go to therapy less often if I'm going to be paying out of pocket. But I'm going to make it. I'm not giving up just because of stupid money issues.

It's late at night now. It's been an extremely hard day. But I'm going to make it. I'll find some way to work it all out. I wrote this down and am carrying it in my pocket:

I won't give up! I won't give in. I won't become another statistic. I will be around for those who come after me. My life has meaning because I will help others like me pull through what I'm struggling through now.

I won't give up!

I will never surrender. This world is not going to beat me. I am strong and there are thousands maybe millions of others like me in this world. We need eachother.

I am trans hear me roar. ROAR!

Feb 3, 2002

Since I took myself off my Effexor and Risperdal I feel so much more alive. Maybe it won't be such a bad thing that I can't afford them.

I'm feeling dizzy from going off my meds but I know it'll pass.

Ok, it's night now. Withdrawal from my meds has been pretty intense today but I made it. I'm not giving up. One of these days it's going to get easier.