JOKE 1 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

JOKE 3 A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

JOKE 4 The Redneck Letter Dear Billy Joe Bob, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. Love and kisses, Your favorite aunt

JOKE 5 New company policies! All employees must read! SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your absence. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Gross pay $1,212.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.91 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $2.24 Tic-Tacs $2.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $1.98 Stadium tax $2.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $3.46 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $7.00 FICA $81.88 TGIF Fund $9.95 Life insurance $7.85 Health insurance $17.23 Dental insurance $5.50 Mental insurance $5.33 Disability $3.50 Ability $1.25 Liability $3.41 Unreliability $10.99 Coffee $16.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $1.32 Desk rental $14.32 Union dues $25.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $28.13 Miscellaneous $113.29 Sundry $14.09 Various $8.01 ======================== Net Take Home Pay $6.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week, Your Boss

JOKE 6 Reasoning Test Question #1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe, and then close the door. Explanation: This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an over-complicated way. Question #2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant, and then close the refrigerator door. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and then close the door. Explanation: This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. Question #3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. Explanation: This tests your memory. Even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. Question #4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. Explanation: This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

JOKE 7 Who's better on the computer? Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

JOKE 8 The English Language. Let's face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant. No ham in the hamburger. And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. And French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, What the heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down. And in which you fill in a form, By filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers. And it reflects the creativity of the human race. (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why, When the stars are out, they are visible But when the lights are out, they are invisible And it's why when I wind up my watch, It starts. But when I wind up this poem, It ends.

JOKE 9 In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!] On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special.] On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?] On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion.] On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." [Oops, too late!] On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows the day.] On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save even more time?] On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.] On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [One would hope.] On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?] On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious.] On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." [NEWS FLASH!] On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta.] On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

JOKE 10 Only in America! Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

JOKE 11 Give me serenity! Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays And help me to remember... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

JOKE 12 Frustration at tech support. This was evidence used in a case, where a woman sued a technical support representive. It's a transcription of the recording between the teech guy, and the woman (whose names have not been included to protect their privacy). Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" Woman: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Tech: "What sort of trouble?" Woman: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Tech: "Went away?" Woman: "They disappeared." Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Woman: "Nothing." Tech: "Nothing?" Woman: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Woman: "How do I tell?" Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" Woman: "What's a sea-prompt?" Tech: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Woman: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Woman: "What's a monitor?" Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Woman: "I don't know." Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Woman: "Yes, I think so." Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Woman: "Yes, it is." Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Woman: "No." Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Woman: "Okay, here it is." Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Woman: "I can't reach." Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Woman: "No." Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Woman: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Tech: "Dark?" Woman: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then." Woman: "I can't." Tech: "No? Why not?" Woman: "Because there's a power failure." Tech: "A power... A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Woman: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Woman: "Really? Is it that bad?" Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Woman: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Tech: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

JOKE 13 Jackass! This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone! Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to Melissa Lewis?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You’re a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, "You’re a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That’s because you’re a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 402-8863. Continued... An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, This guy’s a jackass. There are sure a lot of jackasses in the world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 402-8863 and yelling, "You’re jackass!" (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front." I said, "What’s your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When’s a good time to catch you, Don?" "I’m home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you’re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You’re a jackass!", but I didn’t hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What’s your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front." "I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You’ll what?" "I’ll kick your butt." "Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming right over, Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of siz squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

JOKE 14 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

JOKE 15 Newly married couple were on their honeymoon when the husband turns to the wife and says, "care to go upstairs for a shag?" "Shhhhh!" says the wife. "These walls are paper thin, all the neighbors will know what we're up to! In the future we'd better ask each other in code. How about have you left the washing machine door open?" That night when they're in bed, the husband asks the wife, "did you leave the washing machine door open?" "No, I definitely shut it," says the wife, rolls over and goes to sleep. Later on the wife wakes up and feeling a bit amorous, she wakes the husband and says, "you know I think I did leave the washing machine door open, care to do some washing?" "That's okay," replies the husband, "it was a small load and I've done it by hand!"

JOKE 16 A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is it. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!" The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

JOKE 17 A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

JOKE 19 A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. "Ummm, yeah...," the driver replied. The officer grinned and said, "Ever catch all the fish?"

JOKE 20 A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the managing director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No," replied the director. "Phew," said the trainee as he laughed and hung up.

JOKE 21 A couple came upon a wishing well one day. The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too! But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

JOKE 22 It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

JOKE 23 An accountant and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both accounting and engineering majors. Each of the engineering majors had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering. The accountants ignored the laughter. Then, one of the accountants said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the accountants piled into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said "Ticket please". An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted "Conductor coming!", all the accountants again piled into a bathroom. All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "Ticket please."

JOKE 24 Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

JOKE 25 One day a police officer stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said: "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!" "Why not?" Asked the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it's almost the same." "But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP!" "But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing?!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop," says the officer.

JOKE 26 One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: Me: Hello AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? Me: Yes, is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent. AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me? Me You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T? AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me! AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr. Byron? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... AT&T: (click)

JOKE 27 A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Finally it's little Billy's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

JOKE 28 There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

JOKE 29 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

JOKE 30 First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don't open it --it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them. But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven't yet received it? 1) You have no friends 2) Even mail handlers think you are too prudish for the contents 3) You are receiving this by smoke signals 4) You wrap your computer in latex, for protection 5) Your computer is powered by a Z80 6) You're still looking for the any key Hmm any other thoughts?

JOKE 31 A man was on a flight to New York from LA. He was sitting next to a blonde lady. He decided to have some fun, so he asked the blonde to play a game. The game went like this: he would ask a question, and if she didn't know the answer, she would pay him $10, and vis versa. The blonde refused, and tried to take a nap, but the man, instead of giving up, said "I'll pay you $100 for every question I don't know, and you can only pay me $10. Okay?" The blonde finally accepted. The man asked: "Who is the leader of Russia?" The blonde promptly handed him a $10 bill. Then she asked: "What is black and white and runs up hills backwards?" The man pondered on this for a while, then took out his laptop and preceeded to check all his references, email all his friends, and ask the question in chat rooms. After an hour the man handed the blonde $100, then asked "What was it anyway?" The blonde handed him a $10 bill and chuckled.

JOKE 32 How men use an ATM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card, car still in gear 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt, pull ahead as shovin' all in shirt pocket How women use an ATM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Reenter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

JOKE 33 A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man. "Too much trouble," he responded

JOKE 34 It's wise to remember how easily email, wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here.

OKE 35 An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!"

JOKE 36 Hello, are you there? Yes, who are you, please? I'm Watt. What's your name? Watt's my name. Yes, what's your name? My name is John Watt. John what? Yes, are you Jones? No, I'm Knott. Will you tell me your name then? Will Knott. Why not? My name is Knott. Not what? Not Watt, Knott. What?

JOKE 37 Two Grannies Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For several minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, " How soon do you need to know?"

JOKE 38 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

JOKE 39 At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

JOKE 40 End Of The World As We Know It Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts. "I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow." "I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good -- God does exist. And the bad -- the earth will be destroyed tomorrow." "I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, I'm one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we've got this Y2K thing solved!"

JOKE 41 Guide to Essay Writing 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. Avoid clichés like the plague. 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Be more or less specific. 15. Understatement is always best. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice is to be avoided. 19. Who needs rhetorical questions? 20. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Tune in next week for...

WASTE YOU TIME!!!!