WORDS OF WIT AND WISDOM

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over 50 don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody boters to ask the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing togeether and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Women: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We now have power surges.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is improtant only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be mistake taht "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
In just 2 days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad he takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new.Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, thy should both be changed regularly for the same reason.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I doubt, therefore, I might be.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of ividence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found, at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptaion, because it may never pass your way again.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.