1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(DOH! too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief.)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay honey just grab the Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone
dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.)
Drive Thru Fun:
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging is fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
Fun With Telemarketers:
NOTICE: All suggestions have been tested and approved for use on telemarketers.
No animals were harmed in the testing.
1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Call-In Pizza Fun:
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Treat Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
To find more of these fun reads go to www.funnyforwards.com.
10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
2) Thou shall not do drugz.
(alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect)
5) Thou shall not steal from thy parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights.
(just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(as Nike sayz, "just do it!")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.
(just leave them in the middle)