Tim and Kyle's Hauntingly True Biographies

Tim's Bio: Tim is a prototypical upset American youth, he spends most of his time sulking over the figurative "girl who got away." The last time that Tim did anything (work, play, school) was 1985. He spends most of his time listening to bands that fuel his own angst, such as Tool and Type O Negative. His hobbies include ignoring his parents and watching Family Guy episodes on his computer. Tim is signed on his aol IM at all times! When he sleeps he has the volume turned up so that it will wake him up in case someone actually IM's him.
            Despite his seriously major flaws, Tim is a good guy. After recieving a serious skateboarding injury (in which he sustained minor brain damage because he did not wear a helmet) in 1995 his mom visited him in the hospital and said, "I hope you learned a valuable lesson about wearing helmets while skating." Tim's immediate reply was "nope". Tim was once paid one dollar to eat an entire anthill. Tim attended the University of Minnesota in fall 2001 where he majored in Philosophy and Western European History with a minor in Sanskrit and Women's Studies (or as he refers to it, "chick studies").
             Tim's most embarassing moment came in 1996 when he lost the presidential election to Bill Clinton after "guaranteeing victory" for the repulican party.
            Tim's ultimate dream is to live in a rural town in Montana. Tim has seen every episode of Moesha, The Jamie Foxx Show, The Steve Harvey Show, The Hughleys, Girlfriends, and 7th Heaven. Tim's favorite fictional TV show is Gumble 2 Gumble: Beach Justice.
            Tim is one of the only persons to have been drafted by a team representing every major sport: MLB, 1996 Milwaukee Brewers (70th round); NBA, 1998 Cleveland Cavaliers (second round); NHL, 1999 Los Angeles Kings (sixth round); NFL, 1999 Cincinnati Bengals (second round). Tim also spent half of last season with The Columbus Crew of Major League Soccer as a midfielder where he scored one goal in 15 games played. Tim is also an alternate on the US National Team. Although Tim has never been injured he has not signed a contract with any of these teams because he fears he may eventually be injured at some point in time. His current employer is Super Valu, Inc. Where he pitches for the company softball team.
            Tim has an IQ of 133 and a sports IQ of 236, he was recently crowned champion on MSC's Sports Geniuses. He has dated many famous women the past 15 years. He has been rumored to date Tyra Banks, Jessica Biel, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, Mandy Moore (one day), Rachel Leigh Cook, Mena Suvari, Natalie Portman, Julianne Moore, Shannen Doherty, Angelina Jolie, Katie Holmes, Helena Bonham Carter, Joey Lauren Adams, and Elizabeth Hurley. FYI: Marian Gaborik's list is much longer. We could not afford the bandwith here at SirMarian because the text required ballooned past 500 megabytes.
            Tim has appeared on both Late night with Conan O'Brien and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He has also made guest appearances on the sitcoms Spin City, Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond. Tim is slated to sing the national anthem at Superbowl 37 next January. He lives in Minneapolis, MN and drives a 1992 Grand Am with a bumper sticker that reads "my other penis is a vagina".

Kyle's Bio: Kyle likes cheese, all kinds, Parmesan, Ricotta, even the ever-lovely Brebis du Puyfaucon. But what Kyle likes the most is Marian Gaborik. However he does not like to eat Marian Gaborik because even though he is a great hockey player...he probably would not taste very good. But anyways, Kyle spends every waking moment worshipping Gaborik, thanks to his Marian Gaborik home worship kit. Complete with human sacrifice pedestal and authentic Marian Gaborik sweat. However...unless Gaborik starts to slump...the pedestal will be kept in its original packaging.
       Kyle was born to an Mr. and Mrs. Kyle in some year and some day around 20-80 years ago. He was a beautiful baby boy...or girl. Many believe Kyle had ten fingers and ten toes when he was born. However, there are no records to confirm this guess presupposition. He spent much of his childhood in front of the Calico-Vision conquering the likes of Pac-Man and Hunt-the-Wumpus (who...unknown to him...will be the name of his second child) After many attempts at sports, Kyle assumed the position of spectator, due to the fact that the jock strap was much too constricting. After failed attempts of marrying Martina Navratilova, due to the fact that she doesn't swing that way, he decided to enroll in high school in Bloomington, Minnesota.
       After flunking out in the 10th grade, Kyle went on a Worldwide escapade pooping on any and all conformist activities, including wearing clothes. After failed attempts to turn the world naked he ended up along the streets of Compton with a "will strip for food sign". Lucky for Kyle a film agent drove past him one day and offered him a job in the upcoming epic, Marian Gaborik: The God of The 21st. Century? Kyle happily accepted, seeing that the rats just didn't provide enough nourishment. As his film career escalated, so did his cockeyeness. So the roles stopped. Kyle's last product was announcer in Ron Popiel's latest infomercial…"Edible kids: Wow…they taste great!"
        So back Kyle went back to school. He decided to concentrate on something he had interest and actual experience with, so he diecided Womans/Feminist Studies. But he had to give a few things up, such as shaving his legs and armpits, which he did on a regular basis. He thought of armpit/leg toupee's, however these were a little spendy. Kyle finds happiness with a fine woman on a cold winters day while bundled up in front of a fire, with her performing things thats I'd rather not say.
       Kyle one day would like to get his own drive-through strip club. In the mean time, he enjoys watching sitcoms on Television. Some of his favorites include: Friends, Will and Grace (he likes the gay guy), and Two girls and a guy (again, he likes the guy). He would like someday to firebomb any and all Television Studios where sitcoms are produced.
       Kyle dislikes the radio, he says its because it doesnt sound good, we all know that its because he is a horibble singer and no one wants to hear him sing.
       Kyle may be found in the Happy Puppy Nudist Colony in sunny Desert Springs, California at the moment, oogling all of the older womem.
Kyle...who likes cheese.