First, we have the issue with his name. What might that be, you ask? HELL-O! It's only as obvious as the blue and green streaks in my hair! If you simply rearrange the letters of his name- just a little bit- then it will all be spelled out for you, the whole sordid truth. From S-A-N-T-A, we move the N down a space or two, thus turning his name into S-A-T-A-N. That's right! SATAN! Santa and Satan, one and the same! What's that? Just some random coincidence, you say? Sure, I suppose it's possible. And I also suppose it's JUST a coincidence that the woman who is now My Hero just happened to shoot her child once upon a time... right? RIIIIGHT...
But, if that HUUUUUUUGE 'coincidence' isn't enough for you (as my old co-star and I would say, as the tagline for our hit show: Coincidence? I think not!) well, I've got more. Like what? you gasp! I'll tell you what: I've spoken to that assclown! And I'm not the only one! There are others who are willing to testify as to how much of an assclown the fatman really is: Kim, Demon, and Rachel are at the forefront, but there is also Carmen and Nate. I will use exerpts from conversations that Kim, Rach, and myself had with Santa in order to drive my point home.
*after having been awarded about the 7th lump of coal in 10 minutes*
Gabs: fuck, at this rate i'll have me a nice fire on Christmas, wont i?
SantaClaus: My goodness. You've earned another lump of coal. I'm sorry but this is the last warning and lump of coal I can promise you. Any more cursing and I'll have to stop talking to you. --honestly, the guy's how old, and he cant handle just a little mature language?
*
Rach: WOULD YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF PRETTY PLEASE
SantaClaus: Mm hm. --what? sicko!
*
Gabs: satan
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again --he admits it!!
*
SantaClaus: Though I speak every language in the world -- I cannot quite make out what you are trying to say.
Gabs: comment allez vous?
SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me out but I just cannot make any sense of that.
Gabs: so youre a liar and an assclown?
SantaClaus: Whoa Ho! Ho! Now, there's no reason for that language, I am doing the best I can.
Gabs: but you said you speak every language, and i ask you a simple question in french, and you dont get it? --LIAR!
*
Gabs: you say you have magic...
SantaClaus: Well you could try putting your finger on the side of your nose -- but it took me 400 years of practice. ;-)
Gabs: you telling me to pick my nose?
SantaClaus: I could say the same thing to you -- and I will. How indeed? ;-)
Gabs: i dont know, i take it youre the expert on the subject.
SantaClaus: Indeed! --EWWWWW!
*
Gabs: WHAT? Did you just call me a ho??
SantaClaus: What, indeed! --and he calls me names! what an ass!
*
SantaClaus: Have you made any Christmas cookies yet? I'm known to be partial to them. :-D
Gabs: no
SantaClaus: Well, we won't get very far with this conversation then will we?
Gabs: what the hell?? extortion?
SantaClaus: Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.
Gabs: let me get this straight: youre a van dam fascie bastard assclown pro nose picking extortionist?
SantaClaus: That's simply too much for me. --the list keeps growing!
*
Gabs: do you rape little kids too?
SantaClaus: I think of every single child as part of my family. ;-)
Gabs: i bet you do
SantaClaus: If you think so. ;-)
Gabs: do you rape kids?
SantaClaus: Everyone, as I see it. ;-) --WHOA! THE TRUTH COMES OUT!
*
Gabs: are you a serial rapist?
SantaClaus: Well that's hard to say. Ask an elf. ;-) --how depraved!!
*
Kim: I Said No
SantaClaus: Hmm. I'm not really sure what you're after there. The elves don't get it either. ;-) Speaking of elves, why not ask me about them.
Kim: eww no way theys be scary lil guys with big feets
SantaClaus: Yes, who knew? ;-) --i suppose he'd know better than anyone.
*
Gabs: what do you like most about kids?
SantaClaus: Well, I think of every child as part of my family. ;-)
Gabs: uh, why did you wink when you said that?
SantaClaus: Well I'm sure I don't know but I can ask one of the elves to find out. ;-) --back to his elf-kid fetish...
*
Gabs: i know youve been naughty
SantaClaus: Indeed! --at least he stopped denying it
*
Gabs: you claim to be all good and shit, but we all know what you do with kids
SantaClaus: Mrs. Claus and the elves, of course. And the reindeer. ;-)
Gabs: what?? Them too? i sooo didnt need to know that
SantaClaus: Hmm... What, what?
Gabs: dont act innocent --again, i didnt need to know that!
*
Gabs: ya know you can get arrested for that?
SantaClaus: Without a doubt.
Gabs: as long as you know... --blatant disregard for the law...
*
Gabs: i believe i shall send my Hero out there to blow up your damn workshop
SantaClaus: As long as you believe, I'll be watching over you.
Gabs: are you stalking me?
SantaClaus: Stop playing around. ;-)
Gabs: stop with the winking
SantaClaus: Only Mrs. Claus has that kind of control over me. ;-)
Gabs: whoa there
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Wonderful.
Gabs: stop calling me a ho
Gabs: ok... so, you are stalking me?
SantaClaus: :-D
Gabs: that was kinda scurry --great, a new stalker. like Joe wasnt enough.
*
Gabs: is that how often you come around to stalk me?
SantaClaus: Well you could try putting your finger on the side of your nose - but it took me 400 years of practice. ;-)
Gabs: i dont want to know about your nose picking
SantaClaus: You got it! That's great!
Gabs: no, it isnt. youre so weird
SantaClaus: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.
Gabs: admitting it now? --creepy!
*
Rach: do you rape kids
SantaClaus: Mrs. Claus and the elves, of course. And the reindeer. ;-) --he seems awful proud of this...
*
Rach: do you rape them?
SantaClaus: Do you?
Rach: yes, quiet often
SantaClaus: Mm hm. --Rach is no surprise there... but come on, Santa!
*
Rach: i want Kim to get a flesh eating disease
SantaClaus: What else tops your list this year?
Rach: Demon going to heaven --- the only point of this is to show that I have no personal vendetta against SC, and he's not the only assclown around here
*
Rach: freak!
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again -- suffice to say...EW.
*
Rach: oh mr high and mighty! child rapist!!
SantaClaus: Well, I am trying to learn. --trying? he seems to know a lot about it already...
*
Rach: soon the streets will be flooded with the blood of the non-believers
SantaClaus: Well, you're someone who's definitely on my "nice" list. :-) --say wha? THAT gets you on the nice list? well, shit... i can do that! ass...
*
And there you have it, folks. I didn't initially intend to put so much up there, but I just had to be sure you would all know what an assclown the guy truly is. Thank you.
~The Dictator Herself, Gabs Hardy