Chargers

    The 2000 NFL season has already etched itself in history by seeing a number of fallen records. Corey Dillon broke Walter Payton's twenty-three year old mark by rushing for 278 yards in a single game. Marshall Faulk broke Emmit Smith's old record by busting into the endzone 26 times, even while missing three games because of knee surgery. Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, it did. Add another one to the record books, the 2000 San Diego Chargers suck worse than any other team in the history of the league. "This is not something we set out to do in the beginning of the season" said a chipper Junior Seau after recieveing the news. "When we saw how bad we sucked, I think everyone knew we had a chance at it (the record), but its like in baseball, when the pitcher has a no hitter going in the fifth inning, no one says anything, you don't want to jinx it."
     The Chargers took the record from the 1976-77 Buccaneers squad that managed to lose 26 games in a row while sucking so badly, the league thought they would never see another team quite like them. Enter Ryan Leaf.
     Before Leaf took over the reigns, the Chargers sucked. But in the three years since, they have reached new hights. "He's been really fuckin bad" said coach Mike Riley at the news conference set up by commisioer Paul Tagliabu to celebrate the team's accomplishment. "He's definitely our leader out there. Whenever things look like they might be going o.k. for a minute or two, Ryan would be there to fuck everything up. Having him at quarterback is like running blindfolded through a cow pasture, you know you're going to step in shit, you just don't know how much or when its going to happen, but you're going to step in shit."
     The Chargers had only one bump in their road to a winless season, a November 26 slip-up against Kansas City, which they won 17-16. "I told everyone to keep their heads up, that we still really sucked" said Riley. "They took it hard, but this group is special. I told everyone to look around the room, to look in the eyes of the guy next to them, if anyone thought that guy didn't suck, speak up. You could of heard a pin drop in there, they knew." Leaf took the win especially hard, "I threw two picks (interceptions), but it wasn't enough. When that field goal went through the uprights and we won, I was stunned, I felt like I let everyone down."

    After the win, the Chargers regrouped and got their asses kicked at home the following week. The 45-17 drubbing at the hands of the 49ers, who also suck, was all the Chargers needed to right the ship. Leaf came storming back, throwing four interceptions. Everyone knew the 'bolts were back. "People in the crowd were yelling at us, telling us to go fuck ourselves and die, it was nice to hear" said Leaf after the beat-down. "We had a really shitty week of practice, coach was on us everyday saying we didn't fuck this and that up enough, making sure I made the wrong reads. We watched film of the '90 Patriots, we did everything we could to prepare for that game." It showed with Leafs stunning game and the Charger 2-11 success rate on 3rd down.
     When all was said and done, the Chargers joined an elite group of teams consisting of The Colts, Saints, Cowboys, Patriots, and Jets-to lose 15 games in a single season. Said Riley, "They used to only play 14 games a season, you couldn't lose 15 games no matter how bad you were. But to get to 15 is special, You have to be really fucking bad." When asked about other contributers to the record breaking season, Riley could only name Leaf. "I don't even know our tailbacks fuckin name, what is it Fazand, Fazande, is that him? I mean, he sucks, they all suck. It's not just one guy, but Ryan gets the numbers."
     When someone commented to the coach, you can only go up from here, Riley didn't even let him finish his sentence. "Bullshit, we can lose 16. We should have done it this year. The guys will be thinking about that Kansas City game all year. If we play them next year, we'll lose by fifty."
     With Leaf calling the signals, anything is possible. Just wait for the 18 game schedule.