| RumpleSmoothSkin.com Exclusive He’s Just Happy to See You The ‘Skin knows what U.S. city houses the highest profile gay athlete in American history |
| This is a complete joke, until the AP picks it up and confirms our theories.We hope no one's feelings got hurt as a result of this article. You know how sensitive certain people can be. |
| Brendan Lemon, editor of Out magazine and aspiring rabble rouser has done what he can to shake up the world of sports. Known for exposing high profile homosexuals, Brendan and the magazine are attempting to boost their circulation by appealing to a different demographic. Mr. Lemon has chosen to exit the interested and accepting readership of the insecure, gay community for the realm of professional athletics. Whether participants or fans, this is not a group of people known for their tolerance of overtly sexual slaps on the ass or locker room stares held just a little too long (after writing this article, the author learned that this behavior is actually encouraged in some locker rooms; including the New England Patriots, Boston Bruins, and all of Major League Soccer). In recent weeks, the ‘Sammy the Bull’ of the gay community has laid claim to participating in an affair with, “a pro baseball player from a major-league East Coast franchise.” When the last issue of Out went to print with a letter from the editor describing the nature of the relationship and the fear of exposure felt by said ball player, the witch hunts began. Clubhouses up and down the East Coast were turned on their ears as players frantically showered and dressed before the eyes of a potential gay guy could commit anything to memory. No more were the days of traditional locker room games like soap fights, That’s not my Bat, and the disappearing ball trick. Mike Piazza went so far to say, “No one can understand why we should even keep playing. It’s gotten so you can’t even grab each other’s asses, trade pre-chewed tobacco, or make out with any one without being labeled ‘gay.’ All the fun’s been taken out of playing.” Fear not Mike, this rotten apple just needs to be yanked from the barrel and everything will be just as latently homosexual as it used to be. Rumplesmoothskin.com is happy to announce that the hunt is over. After extensive research and exhaustive investigation, we at the ‘Skin have unmasked Major League Baseball’s “Ballpark Fairy.” After making random accusations and narrowly avoiding multiple lawsuits for the better part of a week the ‘Skin’s crack investigative team uncovered two leads, one the result of an inside tip, the other a product of our own deductive reasoning. Early Tuesday morning, a call came to our 24 hour tipline desk (1-888-gayline) describing a conversation between employees of Madison Square Garden television. The content of this conversation could not be confirmed; what was said makes so much sense that no one felt the need to check the facts. Manuel Ramirez was born in the Dominican Republic and moved to Washington Heights, NY at the age of thirteen. Exactly when he discovered his love of fashion and gay sex is a mystery. It’s possible that a young Manny stepped up to a little league plate, wrapped his hands around the barrel of his long, heavy bat and found himself inexplicably aroused. It may be that Manny was perfectly straight until being traded to the Red Sox prior to this season. Pedro Martinez has gay to spare and may very well have passed some of his gay on to Manny. Regardless of exactly when or why Manny caught gay isn’t really what matters here anyway. What is relevant is the hero status of Manny Ramirez in the most latently homosexual city in the country. Boston is widely regarded as the home of the highest concentration of repressed homosexuality in the nation, and everyone knows that no one hates a queer more than a queer. So it seems that Manny’s little butt pal has put him in a different kind of awkward position. Having to face an entire city of complete fags who will try to hide their gayness by attacking Manny’s sexual orientation. The city’s hero, the man who would bring the BoSox out of their championship slumber and into the annals of baseball history, the man who would put an end to the endless jibing of Boston fans will instead be the source of all Boston’s misery. With an openly gay figurehead to lead the way to a spectacularly un-Boston-like plus 500 season, Boston will forever be known as “Manny Town,” where the fans love their players and the players love naked man ass. So RumpleSmoothSkin.com would like to be the first to extend a limp-wristed hand to Manny Ramirez. We accept Manny for who he is and the choices that he’s made. We’d like to pat him platonically on the back and say job well done. Boston – Manny – Hall-of Fame – flaming homosexuality. Words forever linked in the minds of sports fans and the hearts of gay people and Bostonians. Congratulations Boston, your hero is gay and the entire country is proud of you. Forget San Francisco, Bostonians can stay right where they are and be just as gay as they want to be. Remember Boston, it’s O.K. to be gay – even Manny says so. Editor’s note – We at the ‘Skin would like to remind the reader that there are many gay athletes currently living a life of secrecy and fear. Too scared to admit to themselves and the world their sexual orientation and lifestyle, these men live every day with the hope that an accepting sports community will extend a friendly hand to coax them out of the closet. That list includes, but is not limited to Pavel Bure, Pedro Martinez, Mike Piazza, Dan Marino, Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Shannon Sharpe, Charles Barkley, Tony Gwynn, and Brady Anderson. Incidentally, we at the ‘Skin were positive that Brady was the mystery Mary until Manny’s orientation was exposed. But they’re both pretty gay. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE? I would stand in the middle of my weight room with a fire extinguisher. The antique furniture can burn, but I will stand in the middle of my gym until the very end. – Brady Anderson, from Outside Pitch, May 23,1997 |
| By Dave Winters |
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| Manny Ramirez is super. Thanks for asking. |