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Awww Shiznit! Scoops is in da house!!! Raise the roof wit me. We fo real dis time. These newses be off the hook. Ya feel me??? Get ya god damn news on!!!

New York, NY - Recently, Rosie O Donnell has claimed that she will come out of the closet and admit her homosexuality (fondness for woman-sex). The overwhelming ratings boom from Rosie's announcement has forced Oprah Winfrey to out herself live on her show, just to keep her ratings up. On her March 1st episode, Oprah will admit that she, and Stedman are homosexuals. A few new pieces to the show will include the addition

of "Being Gay for Dummies" to the Book Club, Remembering You Lesbian Spirit, and a heart-to-heart in which Dr. Phil will yell at Oprah for no apparent reason. When asked what she expects the show to be like, Oprah claimed, "Even though I love men, I will try my hardest to be the best Lesbian I can be. I am not yet sure exactly how I am supposed to go about expressing my homosexuality. Is there a little dance I am supposed to do or something?"

Undisclosed Location - Do you remember me? Yeah, most people don't. I am the really cute kid from Home Alone. Now do you remember? I know most of you have wondered what the hell happened to me. Well, some of you must've anyway. I don't know what happened. I guess I'm not cute anymore. Do you think I'm still cute? This is a picture of me now. I am 23 years old. Don't let the picture fool you, I am 6' tall. Do you have a movie I can act in? I'll do nudity. You can pay me minimum wage.
[Editor's Note: Above letter was written with crayons, and very hard to read]

Richard Karn
When will I get my shot at being an action star. I can be "ReinKARNation." That sounds great. "Al be back!"

Cuba - What the hell is Macaulay Culkin complaining about. At least he wasn't forced into a communist country at gunpoint. So his parents were mean to him...I only have one left, and Deddy ain't too special. Like Culkin I had it all; Disneyland, a large crowd of supporters, and a hot cousin. Now, I am lucky to have running water. F*** you Culkin! PS - I saw mommy drowned in the ocean and I laughed. I hate America.

Washington D.C. - Missy 'Misdemeanor' Elliot addressed congress on Friday claiming, "F*** that b****, she don't know me! B****-a** N****! Why she frontin? Who the f*** she think she is?" Unsure to whom, and what cause Mrs. Misdemeanor was speaking for, Sen. Tom Daschle replied, "Mrs. Demeanor, if you would please calm down, and address your question in a civilized manner, please." Angered, Elliot only responded with, "That's miss, you b****! I ain't no married and s***!" She then threw up what appeared to be gang signs and claimed she was a

quote, 'Wholesome a** B**** that can't nobody f*** with.' The baffled Congressional Comittee responded by passing a bill that will allow blind people to smoke in non-smoking sections.

Ralph Macchio
Turns out the Karate Kid doesn't really know a lick of karate. How do we know? We saw him on the street and punched him in the face.

Grammy Winners
Most Racist Man
Strom Thurmond
Best Fellatio Recipient
Steve Guttemberg
Best Fellatio Giver
Angela Landsbury
Best President-Fellating Purse Maker
Monica Lewinsky
Most Hardcore Religious Man
Dalai Llama
Most Bigot-Like
Jason Preistley
Oldest Jew
Mel Brooks
Smallest On-Screen Wang
Kevin Bacon
Most Out Of Work Actor
Mitch Bukasky
from Saskatchewan