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Miami, Florida - An airplane was beached in Miami last Friday when it was injured after swimming through fishing nets. The plane washed ashore around two o'clock in the afternoon, and a team of marine biologists couldn't get it back into deeper waters until high tide came in. "Only three of the forty-seven passengers suffocated before we could push her back into the water," said Marty Climson, a marine biologist who was on the scene. Witnesses cheered from the shore as the plane started swimming away. "She just struggled for a minute, and then she raised her tail up out of the water as if she was waving thank you." said another onlooker. Not all of the

witnesses shared the same opinion on helping the beached plane. Randall 'Hang Ten' Middin stopped catching bodacious waves to yell at the heroes. "Can't you idiots see that this airplane just crashed! Why are you morons trying to push it back into the water?" were some of the insane remarks coming out of his gnarly mouth. "Those passengers will drown!!!" he continued, before being taken to an insane asylum. Fire Cheif Milton Craps commented on the loon, "If we had done things his way there would have been a lot of dead passengers on that plane by the time we pushed it into the ocean. Like I always say, 'It only takes one bad apple to throw a f***ing pinball machine out of a two story window when your girlfriend is cheating on you'."

Tampa, Florida - "We should have known they were retarded. They are almost two years old and they are still playing with toys." Those were the words of an upset mother of two similar-looking tards. "Our first hint that they might be retarded was when they were three months old and still s***ting themselves." Loraine Dimley continued. The concerned parents of

the tards took them to Doctor Sherman Kramden to have some tests done and verify their suspicions. The doctor gave them a few tests that included a simple calculus exam from a freshman college course, and several other 'simple' quizzes that non-tards would pass easily. "These two tards didn't get a single calculus question right because they chose instead to draw on the exam with crayons. What a bunch of mongoloids." said doctor Kramden. "When given verbal questions such as, 'Who popped out to shortstop in his last at-bat after 24 record-setting seasons in 1928?,' the two retards only responded with answers like, 'Where's my mommy,' and 'I have to make pee pee,' when it is soooo obvious that the answer is Ty Cobb! Duh!" The family is not yet sure what they are going to do with their 'Village Idiot' children, but some of their ideas include sending them down a river in a wicker basket, or leaving them on someone else's doorstep alongside a flaming bag of dog doo. The father, Michael Dimley says, "Yep, there's not much use for a retarded set of babies. We would probably save money by replacing them with a pair of riding lawnmowers."

Orlando, Florida - A perfectly nice looking photo was ruined on Saturday when Roy Zaxtallion, an accountant from Des Moines decided to play a very cruel joke on a group who was just looking to make a memory. "We just wanted a nice photo so we could show our parents how much fun we were having in Orlando." said Mallory Smith, whose name was changed for safety reasons. "Why would someone want to ruin a photo like that?" An image studies expert is examining the photo to determine whether the gesture was intended to be 'Bunny Ears' or some sort of pagan sign resembling 'Devil Horns'. When reached for comment The Zaxtallionmeister claimed, "I thought it would just be a cute, innocent prank. People make bunny ears all of the time. It's hilarious." When told of Super-Zax's remarks, Mrs. Smith (who is quite possibly a prostitue) responded, "That's ridiculous, I have never seen

a picture so carelessly ruined." At first glance, that whore Mallory responded the same way anybody would. "I thought I really had two fingers growing out of my head that I had not previously noticed. When I had a doctor check it out, he told me that there were definitely no fingers growing out of my head, and that it seemed that I had been the butt of a cruel prank." What is known, is that this act of photo-terrorism will not go unpunished. Sluts-Smith has filed a lawsuit against Mr. Zax-to-the-Max claiming Conglameration of Municiples. "We have got to set an example for those who think they can just DESTROY pictures for other people!" In conclusion, Mallory Smith is a slutty whore of a dirty, VD infested prostitute.