hymentimes3

New York, NY - Yves Saint Larent's new line was called a disgrace and an embarassment by critics on Sunday. Yves Saint Larent has been a renowned French fashion designer for the past 27 years. His newest line however seemed to disturb the critics who often favor Laurent's work. The new Autumn line was set to follow the "Light and aerodynamic" look. It included primarily white colors, or the more expensive Grand Wizard designs which includes purple and red colors. The Grand Wizard designs are named for Gandolf, Laurent's favorite storybook wizard from Lord of the Rings. When asked why he thought his fashion show didn't do well, Laurent claimed, "I think it may be because of our unusual approach to the runway. We told the models to yell 'White Power' when they reached the end of the runway, to express the use of our white fabric colors."

The positive thinking after-party that followed the show just seemed to outrage the critics even more. To promote positive thinking, the fashion designer burned a plus sign in the front lawn of a local African American's house. When asked why he chose an African American's lawn to burn the plus sign in, Laurent replied, "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to promote race relations. I am surprised the fellow in the house didn't join our party. We had beer." When asked whether he thought his new line might be oppressive to minorities, Laurent claimed, "Well, I just feel like white brings out the best in people's natural colors, but don't worry, it also comes in purple and red."

Helena, Montana - If I may, I would like to address the Vegetarians of the world. I have been elected to speak on behalf of all cows in saying that we really don't mind being eaten. Really, we aren't that smart and rarely ever feel pain. Some animal rights people claim that the way they kill us, referring to the farmers who hit us in the head with sledge-hammers until we die, is cruel. Well PETA, have

you ever been hit in the head with a sledge-hammer! I'll bet you haven't. Well it doesn't hurt at all when you are a cow. My buddy Hal was just hit seven or eight times today and he's still not dead. We just want to let you know that we don't mind you eating our delicious and tender meat. Hell, if it wasn't considered cannibalism, we would practically eat ourselves. That PETA group needs to reconfigure their whole arguement. We cows aren't smart, we would prefer tiny cages over vast pastures any day, and we enjoy being clubbed in the head with sledge hammers. And to us cows, Vegetarians just don't make sense. Plants are alive too, they are just easier to catch.

Boise, Idaho - Every college student has to reach that fork in the road at some time, drugs or education. But in Boise Idaho, they really do have that fork in the road.
Before starting college, all students must choose which

route they will take. "We wanted to let the students know that they must choose one or the other. You can't go down two roads at the same time. And you can't go down the middle, cause then you'll hit the sign LOL!!! [editor's note: This man really said the letters L-O-L, we are not kidding] This is a message to all college-based kids letting them know that all of their chickens will not be in a basket all laid out for them in heaven." said Governor Punani. Students who have admittedly been former potheads have often been baffled by the sign. "I don't know, so many choices. In one direction, I will be happy and have the skills necessary to get somewhere in life; and in the other direction, I will have to study a lot. Well, I guess that solves it. F*** education!" said one student when he reached the sign.

Tokyo, Japan - Sumo wrestling champion Shindo Nakajima defeated the 8-year old rookie Jason Kanto last Friday. Nakajima won every round and left Kanto battered on the ground. The match was set up as a photo opportunity for young Jason Kanto, but nobody explained to

Nakajima that they weren't supposed to fight. When the ceremonial salt was tossed, Nakajima rushed Kanto and knocked him out of the ring, off of the platform, and five rows into the crowd. When asked about the win, Nakajima said, "I killed that fool. My favorite part was when I rubbed some of the ceremonial salt in his eyes after the match. I needed to make a point!"

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Do you need some stupidity? Ask the Amish, they have plenty. These idiots don't use electricity or telephones because they are complete loons. With no television sets, how are they supposed to watch reruns of Saved By the Bell?